How can I make this right?

[woinlove]

What a complex situation. I recall you said you and your ex had sorted out why she kept the news of your daughter from you and then suddenly showed up, and yet, you only find out about the cancer from your wife.

 

For some, cheating is a deal breaker and divorce is the right thing for them. Some don't know this for a while, while some know right away. Some rebuild their M and do well. You need to figure out what works for you, but you don't need to decide right away. Presumably the ex does not need to move in immediately.

 

Unless you are certain that you want to divorce, I think MC is essential. It is probably essentially for almost all cases of cheating, but there is also so much more going on here. Also a fair amount of not keeping each other completely in the loop, such as on this move of the ex. I also was surprised you didn't discuss with your ex the fact you looked into child custody. But the things she hasn't discussed with you are even more concrete. If you do want to try reconciling your M, communication will need to improve.

 

Don't feel like you need to sort everything out right away. You can take some steps, like consulting with a lawyer and going to MC, without knowing whether you will divorce or reconcile.

 

I know you will be going through some tough emotional times and I hope you have the support you need, both within and from others.

[eleanorrigby]

I have been thinking that I may just have to suck up the cheating and make it work with my wife so that my boys have a strong solid foundation at home and so we can make what time my ex has left bearable and my daughters transition and grief as pain free as possible.

 

If you think you can do it, I believe this is your best bet. All the other avenues look bleak.

[serial muse]

Sorry that was badly worded. of course my kids come first. I was referring to the adults. Do I disregard my own feelings and stay for my kids? Do my ex's feelings have any relevance? Does my wife get a free pass for cheating just to keep the happy home?

 

I don't get the sense from what you've written here that your wife feels much remorse over this. You've had a lot of ground to cover, so maybe that part just got left out? Or...did it?

 

Seriously, is she even sorry? Or is she saying that her cheating is your responsibility because of the situation? (Which...no.)

 

That is the thing that, in my opinion, makes or breaks the reconciliation.

[proudddad]

Well my marriage is over. My wife has moved from her friends place into an apartment with the married man who has left his wife. One of my wifes good friends came and told me and apologized for not telling me earlier that this has been going on for 6 months that she knows about. So this affair possibly started before I even knew of my daughter. I think my wife has been using it as an easy excuse to get out.

 

I don't understand that at all because we seemed so happy before the discovery of my daughter. But the lies, the deceit, the ease at which she has moved on, it's all come out now, I don't know how I could have been so wrong about her.

 

My boys are still with me and my wife has said that she is happy for them to keep living in the family home. I guess we will finalise things soon.

 

My ex has to be out of her rental property in March and is all set to move in here. I am not altogether happy about the arrangement but I must do what has to be done. I guess some people have it worse than I do so I can't just put myself first.

 

I guess I have a pretty traumatic and lonely year or so ahead of me. Wish me luck. 12 months ago I was the happiest man alive, now my world had been thrown into chaos and the only thing I have to look forward to is my 3 gorgeous children.

[Janesays]

Really sorry to hear this, PD. I just looked at the progression in this thread and there are so many twists, turns, and surprises here that i feel like it's impossible to advise you now. This is sorta like watching a soap opera.... Any second I expect an evil twin to show up or someone else to go into a coma! All I can say is that now, a good counselor is your best friend.

 

Good luck, man.

[proudddad]

I just looked at the progression in this thread and there are so many twists, turns, and surprises here that i feel like it's impossible to advise you now. This is sorta like watching a soap opera.... Any second I expect an evil twin to show up or someone else to go into a coma! All I can say is that now, a good counselor is your best friend.

 

You have trouble reading it all, you should try living it!

 

I am still troubled by what caused my marriage break up but have accepted it's over. I have no desire to try and make things work (not that it's an option anyway). I would love to talk to her and find out why but I wont believe a word she says so there really is no point.

 

The next year or so will be devoted to caring for someone that the only feeling I have toward them is hate. I must do this because it is not about me or my ex but about my daughter. That is the priority and that is my focus. I don't wish the cancer on her and I hope her suffering is short lived but I truly hate her for keeping my daughter from me.

 

My wife is happy for my boys to stay with me so as long as I don't have to fight to keep them I think everything on that front will work itself out.

 

So it's just me and three kids. Not a great future on the dating scene whenever I can manage to get back to that. Think I will just get a housekeeper instead. Anyone looking for a job?

 

Good luck, man.

 

Thank you.

[Balzac]

Your stbEX's stunning deceptions and manipulations are astounding. I cannot imagine what this magnitude of emotional whiplash feels like.

It's also hard to imagine her walking out so easily on your shared children. Not sure how trustworthy that arrangement is. If you want physical custody I'd be finalizing this while she's in rapture w Mr Flavor-of-the-Month.

[proudddad]

It's also hard to imagine her walking out so easily on your shared children. Not sure how trustworthy that arrangement is. If you want physical custody I'd be finalizing this while she's in rapture w Mr Flavor-of-the-Month.

 

I found her willingness to leave the boys with me astonishing. I do not want to kick her out of their lives though, my boys deserve a mother. I have no doubt in time she will want to fight for custody so you are right, I will have to act quick while she is in her honeymoon period with this new guy.

 

For those who have followed the thread, you may remember my wife's mother. Well she visited last night to apologise for the way her daughter treated me and to ask me not to cut her out of her grandsons lives (I never had any intention of that).

 

It seems my wife has fallen out of flavour with many people over this including friends and family, many of which have contacted me offering support and help if needed. It feels really good to know you have friends you can count on. I hope for my wife's sake that her new guy is worth it because she has pretty much lost everything and everyone she had here.

[SensitiveTJ]

Hi ProudDad. I haven't posted in this thread, though I have been reading it since the beginning. All I want to say is: I hope it works out for you. Who can say what that will look like, but you deserve something better. I think your actions have been very courageous and the way you have put your children first, I respect immensely. Best wishes and God Bless.

[BetheButterfly]

In short I am married (4 years, been together 5) and we have 2 kids. We are both in our late 30’s and it’s her 2nd marriage and my first.

 

I got a facebook friend request mid year from an ex and long story short I have a 5 year old daughter to her that I just found out about, she’s now doing it rough and wanted help. Now we’ve gone through all the why didn’t you tell me stuff and it’s all been sorted so I don’t wish to drag that up anymore. I am now doing the right thing and am paying for my daughter.

 

I am so proud of you for helping financially support your daughter!!!

 

For the record I had not even met my wife when I finished with my ex. She must have got pregnant on one of the very last times we had sex. I have had a paternity test and she is mine. We split because she moved interstate and we tried long distance relationship but I was weak and cheated.

 

The reason I am here though is that my wife is angry, and I mean real angry about this. She keeps telling me what a bad parent I am because I wasn’t there for my daughter, tells me she is worried that I would leave her and the kids for my ex (because my ex is a lot younger, she is only 26 now) and many other irrational arguments.

I understand your wife a bit. However, it's important for her to note that you didn't realize you had a daughter till later, right? My advice is to assure her that you have matured and no longer are the kind of man who would abandon his offspring. As for your marriage, marriage is like a delicate plant that can be destroyed very easily, so it takes both you and her to make sure to keep the marriage strong and growing.

 

It’s been 6 months now, I had my daughter over the Christmas break and she was with us for Christmas lunch, my wife basically refuses to even acknowledge my daughter, it is very very sad.

Why??? None of this is your daughter's fault at all!!!

 

My wife and her mum had a huge fight over exactly that (at least the mother-in-law is on my side), it was a really great ruined Christmas.

I hope that your wife grows to see that even though her life right now is not what is her ideal, that she will grow to love this child like her own and accept her as part of the family.

 

I have become friendly again with my ex and my wife really dislikes that but I have to maintain some sort of relationship with her if I want to keep seeing my daughter. I am open with my wife when I go to see them, she is always invited, it’s not like I am going to have an affair with my ex behind my back but she just flatly refuses to believe that.

I wonder if your past of cheating makes her suspicious that you will do it again? My advice is just to keep being open with her and always tell her when you communicate with her. Also, please don't call her "my ex" when talking to her. Please call her "name of your daughter's" biological mother, and ask your wife if she would please consider being her "second" Mom. I don't even like the term "stepmom" because of Cinderella (I know that's a silly reason) but the daughter does need to feel loved or at least accepted by her Daddy's wife.

 

I have only had sex once with my wife since the day I found out (6 months ago) and while I will never cheat it is really dragging me down. I have begged with her to see someone or that we can see someone together but she refuses. I don’t know how much longer I can put up with the negativity. I asked her outright would things be better if I stopped seeing my ex and daughter and while she didn’t say yes it was clear that she wouldn’t be unhappy if that happened.

Please don't abandon your daughter. Why don't you go to counseling alone and continue to invite your wife? Maybe eventually she will realize that your daughter is not going to drop out of your life and will decide to get on board?

 

I don’t know what to do next. I don’t even think my wife knows what she wants me to do. I see three options (counselor, stop seeing my daughter or ride it out). My wife has ruled out the counselor and I can’t force it to happen, I refuse to stop seeing my daughter as I have missed so much already, and riding it out is really getting to me now. I have stayed at my ex’s longer just because I dread going home to face the silent abuse but of course staying there longer just makes it worse. My ex has offered to move away but that is not fair on her, me or our daughter.

Be strong. Patiently endure the storm and hopefully your wife's heart will begin to allow love for your daughter to rush in... what she is doing is just hurting everyone, including her own biological offspring (ruining Christmas, for example).

 

I’m sure this has been dealt with before so if anyone had the magic solution please help. The way it’s going we are heading towards a divorce. She refuses to touch me, 50% of our communication is in anger or snide remarks and she doesn’t seem to want to make it better. It’s what I would expect if I had cheated but this is basically just a child from a previous relationship.

My advise is to give it a time limit where you stay strong, continue to be open and honest with your dealings with your daughter's Mom, be cheerful (that's a decision, even when the happenings around you aren't happy), and spend time with your children with your wife as well as with your daughter from another mother, and see if her heart softens. If it doesn't after the time limit, then see about separation. Maybe she will realize that she has an attitude problem and will strive to change it for the love of you two to survive.

[BetheButterfly]

Well it’s been one roller coaster ride after another recently and it doesn’t look like stopping any time soon.

 

I confronted my wife when she came home the other night and she dropped a bombshell that I am still trying to sort out in my head.

 

Apparently she has been talking to my ex about ‘issues’. I have just found out those issues are MAJOR issues. My ex has cancer and has at best 2 years to live.

 

My wife found this out after confronting my ex about her relationship with me and why she came back. Once my wife heard this news her loving caring nature came out and that’s when her attitude changed.

 

The boldened above is awesome!!!

 

The hope is that my daughter will transition to us so she still has a family unit when the inevitable happens. To make this easier my wife has asked my ex and daughter to move in with us. We have a fully self contained unit out the back so they wont actually be in the house with us but still on our property. I was never consulted on this.

 

Well your wife has done a 180 hmm?

 

This is the loving caring wife I have always known, always helping others, but I still can’t get past the fact that she cheated. I told her to leave so she is currently living with one of her friends while the kids stay at home with me where they belong.

 

The boldened part is cool. What? Your wife cheated? I need to read all the thread.

 

I am totally stuck in a crap situation now. I don’t want my ex to move in while my wife isn’t here but I have no idea where my wife and I are heading. My ex obviously needs support but I am not sure I am in a good enough place to offer that support.

 

Man... why can't your wife stay? You cheated on your ex, correct? So, since you cheated and no longer cheat (right?) why can't you allow your wife to stay with her children and your ex and her daughter to stay in the separate unit?

 

So it looks like I may well be a single dad with 3 kids sometime in the next 2 years. Not how I thought my life would pan out when I met the woman of my dreams.

 

Can you forgive your wife?

 

I have been thinking that I may just have to suck up the cheating and make it work with my wife so that my boys have a strong solid foundation at home and so we can make what time my ex has left bearable and my daughters transition and grief as pain free as possible.

 

Don't do it just for your boys. If you truly believe she will not cheat again, then do it for love.

 

I normally have a clear direction of where I am heading (even if it is the wrong way) but right now I am just in a haze. I have no idea of what is the right thing to do or who’s feelings I should put first.

 

Think with love.

[BetheButterfly]

I found her willingness to leave the boys with me astonishing. I do not want to kick her out of their lives though, my boys deserve a mother. I have no doubt in time she will want to fight for custody so you are right, I will have to act quick while she is in her honeymoon period with this new guy.

 

For those who have followed the thread, you may remember my wife's mother. Well she visited last night to apologise for the way her daughter treated me and to ask me not to cut her out of her grandsons lives (I never had any intention of that).

 

It seems my wife has fallen out of flavour with many people over this including friends and family, many of which have contacted me offering support and help if needed. It feels really good to know you have friends you can count on. I hope for my wife's sake that her new guy is worth it because she has pretty much lost everything and everyone she had here.

 

Oh man. I really should have read all the thread first before responding.

 

I'm so sorry for all that happened.

 

I very much hope you and your three children are well and that you enjoy life, and hopefully someday that a wonderful loving, beautiful, and faithful lady will come into your life after you have healed from the cheating of your wife and all the stress of the situations you have endured.

 

I just want to say I really respect you for caring for your children and for being a man who takes care of them. I really wish your wife didn't cheat on you and don't know why she did.

 

Anyways, much respect for taking care of your kids. I hope things get much better.

[jellyco]

I read 7 pages of this topic before work this morning, mulling over my opinions on the matter. Needless to say, the last 5 feels, like Janesays...uh... says, like a soap opera. As a fellow who left a cheating wife (but not half the other stuff you're dealing with), what helped me was leaning on friends and family and talking to a professional. Keep your chin up, friend. If I were in your neck of the woods, I'd buy you a pint.

[eleanorrigby]

Yeah I feel bad that I have kind of disappeared from this thread, the situation just got so messy I didn't know what to say anymore.

 

I feel for you Prouddad... this is just awful.

[tattoo]

No he isnt.

 

I agree with this,and I feel you need to stop personalizing your own experiences Jane, and imposing it on ProudDad.

 

He came her asking for advice and perspective.

 

I think it is wonderful you have offered him perspective, and he certainly needs this, and I feel he has acknowledged where he may need to adjust his thinking.

 

I do not feel it is fair to attack him for not having full comprehension on how a woman thinks or feels immediately. Our roles are to provide him with viewpoints (without attacking) that he must consider.

 

He will be less open to these viewpoints if done in a way that is meant to make him feel stupid and small for not "getting it" right away.

 

He is a man. We are women. We do NOT think or feel the same way all the time.

[tattoo]

oops. guess I should have read all the rest of this before posting previoulsy.

 

Pd, really sorry about everything you have had to go through. This is a difficult situation, one that is not enviable, and one I am sure you don't deserve.

 

Janesays, I am sorry if I came off harsh to you; you are clearly a passionate person that wants what is best for all. I do think PD might have been overwhelmed with everything thing though, maybe he just needed more space to digest.

 

I really hope everything works out. PD...I hope your wife sorts herself out.

 

Know that your efforts to do what is right and best WILL pay off - your kids will remember their dad stepped up. That will never be forgotten, even when they are older.

[Eden anthonye]

Sounds like women being women.

[proudddad]

I thought I would update - It's been a crazy crazy ride over the last 2 months.

 

I don't even know where to start.

 

My (soon to be ex) wife has moved overseas with her 19yo lover (YES you read that right). He is Argentinian and they have moved there.

 

She sold her half of the business to me for a nominal amount (basically gave it to me) to look after the kids. Same with everything else she owned. She has moved away with maybe 10% of what she owned.

 

I have no idea what she is thinking or doing but I have more important things to worry about.

 

My ex has moved in and it is not going well to be honest. She seems to think moving in means we will rekindle our relationship and I am not interested in that at all. I had done everything to dissuade this but during a weak moment we did have sex once. She is just clinging to that and I have no-one to blame but myself.

 

I would love to send her packing but given her fight I just cannot do that. On that front things look promising for her. Apparently the last operation she had seems to have got it all (so far). At this point it is no longer a death sentence (finger crossed).

 

On a purely selfish note, and I utterly disgust myself for saying this, now I am stuck. If she is better I want her gone but given her affection for me I believe that will cause issues with access to my daughter.

 

In regards to my kids. They are my everything, the whole reason for living. My daughter has adapted so well, it is like she has been a part of this family forever.

 

I have drawn a bit of a blank. I can't remember where we last left this discussion. If anybody is still reading and is interested please feel free to ask anything and I will reply.

[melodymatters]

Thanks for the update ! I don't really have anything to add: as weird as my life has been at times, I can't even touch this scenario !

 

But I do want to thank you for the update and wish you luck, and hope you DO keep me/us posted on one of my favorite soap opera's in the 7 yrs I've been on this board !

 

PS. Ha, I must say however, that your wife was right about one thing: the ex wanting you back, no matter how much both you and she protested that it wasn't true ! Don't EVER f*ck with women's intuition, or the more politically correct " gut feeling" !

[toneNtam]

I could be wrong but, I think we've all been taken on a wild goose chase. This is all to bizarre to even remotely be true!

[knitwit]

Hi Prouddad,

 

Wow- so much going on. I have to say though that it sounds like you are living up to your name and taking care of your kids!

 

I am just in shock about your STBXW- I cannot ever imagine voluntarily leaving my son! Are you doing OK with her leaving? A lot of people have said that the infidelity of their spouse was the absolute worst thing they have ever gone through, including the death of their loved ones.

 

Her taking off with a 19 (!!!!) y/o kid and moving to Argentina...just...wow. i hope you're able to push through the paperwork and get the custody, finances, divorce done.

 

Yours really is an incredible story. Two quotes come to mind: "When you're going through hell- keep going!" by Winston Churchill and "Just keep swimming!" from Finding Nemo.

 

Also- "Tomorrow is another day" and "This too shall pass".

 

At some point you will have yourself, three wonderful kids, and some peace. Just keep going.

 

How are your boys holding up?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thought I would update - It's been a crazy crazy ride over the last 2 months.

 

I don't even know where to start.

 

My (soon to be ex) wife has moved overseas with her 19yo lover (YES you read that right). He is Argentinian and they have moved there.

 

She sold her half of the business to me for a nominal amount (basically gave it to me) to look after the kids. Same with everything else she owned. She has moved away with maybe 10% of what she owned.

 

I have no idea what she is thinking or doing but I have more important things to worry about.

 

My ex has moved in and it is not going well to be honest. She seems to think moving in means we will rekindle our relationship and I am not interested in that at all. I had done everything to dissuade this but during a weak moment we did have sex once. She is just clinging to that and I have no-one to blame but myself.

 

I would love to send her packing but given her fight I just cannot do that. On that front things look promising for her. Apparently the last operation she had seems to have got it all (so far). At this point it is no longer a death sentence (finger crossed).

 

On a purely selfish note, and I utterly disgust myself for saying this, now I am stuck. If she is better I want her gone but given her affection for me I believe that will cause issues with access to my daughter.

 

In regards to my kids. They are my everything, the whole reason for living. My daughter has adapted so well, it is like she has been a part of this family forever.

 

I have drawn a bit of a blank. I can't remember where we last left this discussion. If anybody is still reading and is interested please feel free to ask anything and I will reply.