How can I make this right?

[proudddad]

In short I am married (4 years, been together 5) and we have 2 kids. We are both in our late 30’s and it’s her 2nd marriage and my first.

 

I got a facebook friend request mid year from an ex and long story short I have a 5 year old daughter to her that I just found out about, she’s now doing it rough and wanted help. Now we’ve gone through all the why didn’t you tell me stuff and it’s all been sorted so I don’t wish to drag that up anymore. I am now doing the right thing and am paying for my daughter.

 

For the record I had not even met my wife when I finished with my ex. She must have got pregnant on one of the very last times we had sex. I have had a paternity test and she is mine. We split because she moved interstate and we tried long distance relationship but I was weak and cheated.

 

The reason I am here though is that my wife is angry, and I mean real angry about this. She keeps telling me what a bad parent I am because I wasn’t there for my daughter, tells me she is worried that I would leave her and the kids for my ex (because my ex is a lot younger, she is only 26 now) and many other irrational arguments.

 

It’s been 6 months now, I had my daughter over the Christmas break and she was with us for Christmas lunch, my wife basically refuses to even acknowledge my daughter, it is very very sad. My wife and her mum had a huge fight over exactly that (at least the mother-in-law is on my side), it was a really great ruined Christmas.

 

I have become friendly again with my ex and my wife really dislikes that but I have to maintain some sort of relationship with her if I want to keep seeing my daughter. I am open with my wife when I go to see them, she is always invited, it’s not like I am going to have an affair with my ex behind my back but she just flatly refuses to believe that.

 

I have only had sex once with my wife since the day I found out (6 months ago) and while I will never cheat it is really dragging me down. I have begged with her to see someone or that we can see someone together but she refuses. I don’t know how much longer I can put up with the negativity. I asked her outright would things be better if I stopped seeing my ex and daughter and while she didn’t say yes it was clear that she wouldn’t be unhappy if that happened.

 

I don’t know what to do next. I don’t even think my wife knows what she wants me to do. I see three options (counselor, stop seeing my daughter or ride it out). My wife has ruled out the counselor and I can’t force it to happen, I refuse to stop seeing my daughter as I have missed so much already, and riding it out is really getting to me now. I have stayed at my ex’s longer just because I dread going home to face the silent abuse but of course staying there longer just makes it worse. My ex has offered to move away but that is not fair on her, me or our daughter.

 

I’m sure this has been dealt with before so if anyone had the magic solution please help. The way it’s going we are heading towards a divorce. She refuses to touch me, 50% of our communication is in anger or snide remarks and she doesn’t seem to want to make it better. It’s what I would expect if I had cheated but this is basically just a child from a previous relationship.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh jeez.

 

My husband has a son from a previous relationship.

 

The circumstances around that are pretty.....odd and unfortunate.

 

I won't get into it.

 

BUT even though he isn't with the woman in any way and hasn't even had contact with her for years, it beings up an irrational, deep, nasty insecurity and even some viciousness.

 

I'm not proud of it, but I did know this before we were married but I can't imagine finding our after.

 

I get that this is not your fault and that you are doing right by your daughter. But in a deep, weird, primal way your wife feels very replaced and betrayed and probably like she's gotten a very raw deal due to circumstance.

 

You haven't been shouting at her when she tries to express any feelings? Or saying things like, "I didn't know, can we just get past this/get over it?"

 

Because you might as well nail the marital coffin shut by doing that.

 

I'm guessing that you and the wife have no children.

 

Big factor here. Women are super-sensitive about kids and it affects their attraction to their mate. The quality of father they are can seriously affect that too.

 

If she won't go to counseling, go yourself, help sort some of this.

 

If you need to lay down the law and say: marital counseling or we finish, you might need to do that.

 

But honestly, there's a huge emotional disturbance there. See if she'll let you listen to it.

[Balzac]

OP stated he has two kids in the marriage.

[proudddad]

 

You haven't been shouting at her when she tries to express any feelings? Or saying things like, "I didn't know, can we just get past this/get over it?"

 

Because you might as well nail the marital coffin shut by doing that.

 

No, I just listen. I can't respond. What I normally do is walk away because I get angry and upset. When I calm down and come back I just ask her what I can do, what I need to do to help us. There is never an answer.

 

I'm guessing that you and the wife have no children.

 

2 boys. 3 and 1 years old.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay, you have kids together KK.

 

I am so sorry for your marital situation. I don't see how you can manage it without outside help at this point.

 

EFT therapy is 80% effective in helping heal broken marriages.

 

She may very well feel the same range of emotions as being cheated on, rational or not. It's a big load to deal with.

[whichwayisup]

You do not have to have a 'friendship or relationship' with your ex. It's like a divorced couple..You only deal with her when it has to do with your child.

 

You've had a DNA test done I take it, to make sure 100 percent she's yours?

 

Anyway, why not have just your daughter at your place..No need to reconnect with your ex and spend alone time with her and your daughter. You and your ex are NOT a family..You and your wife ARE family.

[proudddad]

You've had a DNA test done I take it, to make sure 100 percent she's yours?

 

Yes and she is mine

 

You do not have to have a 'friendship or relationship' with your ex. It's like a divorced couple..You only deal with her when it has to do with your child

 

I probably went overboard initially because she was in some trouble. So I helped her out of that and I helped her move back to near her parents (which is also obviously near us). Now I did that for my daughter, nor for her, so my daughter had somewhere stable and had family around.

 

Anyway, why not have just your daughter at your place..No need to reconnect with your ex and spend alone time with her and your daughter. You and your ex are NOT a family..You and your wife ARE family.

 

I would love nothing more but unless my wife is not home the tension is just unbearable.

[whichwayisup]

OK I see a paternity test has been done so ignore that part of my reply.

 

It’s been 6 months now, I had my daughter over the Christmas break and she was with us for Christmas lunch, my wife basically refuses to even acknowledge my daughter, it is very very sad. My wife and her mum had a huge fight over exactly that (at least the mother-in-law is on my side), it was a really great ruined Christmas.

 

Your wife now has to try her best and put your daughters feelings above her own. This has to happen..She has to accept this otherwise your marriage is going to get worse as time goes on. This is not your daughters fault at all and she shouldn't be punished for this, she's just a kid. Your wife needs to just try to be ' a friend' and go from there. Your wife needs to do some counselnig to help cope with her feelings about this and learn to deal with it in a healthier way..

 

I have become friendly again with my ex and my wife really dislikes that but I have to maintain some sort of relationship with her if I want to keep seeing my daughter. I am open with my wife when I go to see them, she is always invited, it’s not like I am going to have an affair with my ex behind my back but she just flatly refuses to believe that.

 

Again, you do not have to become 'friendly' with your ex. Your wife has every right to dislike this. Bolded part.. Why? Did your ex threaten you? Make you feel like if you don't spend time with her, talking to her, being friends, then you won't see your daughter? Remember, this woman you do not know anymore..This ex kept YOUR daughter away for 5 years! She only came to you because of money problems as she needed help. I think your wife doesn't trust this woman and rightfully so! Why should she? Put yourself in your wife's shoes and imagine how you'd feel. Your wife IS feeling insecure and you two not getting along, not having sex much isn't helping. She is afraid of losing you..I hope you understand this? Try sympathy instead of anger and frustration towards her. Her safe home enviroment has been turned upside down. and, 6 months isn't that long.....

 

Family counseling has to happen!!

[whichwayisup]

Yes and she is mine

 

 

 

I probably went overboard initially because she was in some trouble. So I helped her out of that and I helped her move back to near her parents (which is also obviously near us). Now I did that for my daughter, nor for her, so my daughter had somewhere stable and had family around.

 

 

 

I would love nothing more but unless my wife is not home the tension is just unbearable.

 

How do you know 100 percent that your ex isn't trying to woo you back? Just sayin' a woman who hides the truth for so many years, stole that baby and toddler time from you, is not an honest person. I know you don't want to get into it anymore and you've moved past this, but your wife hasn't and she doesn't trust your ex. Why should she? This woman has shaken her confidence and she feels threatened. .. You befriending your ex has made it worse for your wife. You are not obligated to go above and beyond for your ex! Your wife has seen the efforts and money you've put into her and your daughter and it hurts her..

[proudddad]

How do you know 100 percent that your ex isn't trying to woo you back?

 

Well there has been no indication of that but I understand that is what I see and my wife wouldn't see the dynamic between us because she is never there. But even if my ex did want me back, so what! I don't want to be with her, I have moved on and up until this happened I had the perfect wife and perfect marriage.

 

Just for a bit of perspective: Her ex husband DOES want her back, he freely admits this. My wife (up until last year) still visited him to see their dog regularly. She loved that dog and I trusted her that there was nothing more to it. I trusted that no matter how much he wanted her that she was committed to me. I think I deserve that same trust.

 

You befriending your ex has made it worse for your wife. You are not obligated to go above and beyond for your ex! Your wife has seen the efforts and money you've put into her and your daughter and it hurts her..

 

I have done nothing for my ex, everything I have done I have done for my daughter. Sure this also helps the ex but that is merely a byproduct and cannot be helped. I hate my ex for what she did with holding my daughter from me but I have realised that I must get past that if I want to see my daughter from now on. So if the back door wont lock (as an example) and she tells me I am not going to rush over there and fix it but if I am already there I will. Is there something wrong with that? I can hardly leave the door unlocked and let my daughter sleep in the house that way.

 

I really feel for my wife, I know it mustn't be easy but I am not having the best time either. I have a child I wish I could see every day but I can't. I come home to my beautiful wife and my two beautiful boys and all I wish is that my daughter was there to make it complete. This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

 

I think my biggest issue is that my wife doesn't seem to want it to get better. She flatly refuses counseling and I know if we don't we will eventually split, I can't see her resolving this in her own head. I am scared that then I will lose my boys. I need this to work for all three of my kids and although I hate to say this it seems only one person is working against that and it is my wife.

[AllenMansurian]

I think it take time to understand.

[Doneinne]

Sounds like women being women.

[Janesays]

I think the very first step would be to put some distance between you and your ex. DO NOT interact with her unless it is about your daughter. Period. I would be furious too, if you were 'visiting' and running over to fix locks. Have her call a locksmith. She's a big girl now.

 

If you can manage that, everything else will work out in time. Your wife is still in shock and instead of letting her process that and deal with that, you keep pouring salt on the wound by 'visiting' and 'helping' the woman who turned her life upside down. Quit it and let her deal with her emotions and this whole process will go a LOT quicker.

[woinlove]

I think there is a lot of good advice here. Dreaming described how a husband's paternity can bring up irrational and deep feelings, especially when it is discovered only after marriage and with two young children to worry about. Your wife thought she bore your first born and has only recently realized that another woman played that important role in your life. Would you have married the other woman if you had known? Your wife may wonder about that. She may question your entire marriage and wonder what you would have done had you known. Maybe you would not be with your wife and have the two children you have. You may not even know the answers to those questions. So think about how much your wife has to question.

 

I suspect your W is voicing her real fears, that you will leave for your ex and abandon your two children with her. These fears may be irrational but that doesn't make them go away. Your wife may realize on some level they are irrational and yet she may be unable to shake them. Sometimes fear makes people steer toward the very thing they fear. The situation may have touched on something from your wife's childhood fears and she is certain it will come to be, and even you say, you may be heading to divorce, which is partly making her fears come true.

 

Walking away when she is expressing such fears will only reinforce them. However, if you can't control your emotions, it may be better to walk away than say things that will hurt even more.

 

Also, you say your ex has "offered" to move away. Does that mean you are confiding in her as to the problems in your marriage? If so, you may already be in an emotional affair and your wife may sense that. Your ex should know nothing about your M. Your wife has revealed to you her fears, and to betray those fears by discussing them or related matters with your ex, is just making sure that her fears are realized.

 

You can start counselling on your own. You have a highly charged situation here that will affect the future of three young children, as well as you and your W. Start counselling and your counsellor may help you see why your W may feel the way she does. Your counsellor may also have ideas of how to bring your wife into counselling.

 

Meanwhile, stop talking to your ex about anything except for arrangements directly to do with your child. Don't talk about anything to do with your wife or marriage, if you still want to save your marriage.

Edited December 31, 2012 by woinlove

[woinlove]

. I come home to my beautiful wife and my two beautiful boys and all I wish is that my daughter was there to make it complete. This is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

 

This sounds tragic. It sounds like your marriage and family as you and your wife knew it, has basically ended and is now replaced by a feeling of incompleteness. It is not ALL about you, your children will have to life with this too, when they are old enough to realize you consider their family incomplete. You need to deal with these feelings.

 

I think my biggest issue is that my wife doesn't seem to want it to get better. She flatly refuses counseling and I know if we don't we will eventually split, I can't see her resolving this in her own head. I am scared that then I will lose my boys. I need this to work for all three of my kids and although I hate to say this it seems only one person is working against that and it is my wife.

 

I don't think you realize how huge this is for your wife. Something she had no control over, she wasn't the one having unprotected sex that produced a child, has changed her entire family, leaving it incomplete as you describe it. You already have an attitude that it is her fault. If not for her, everything would be fine. Somehow you forgive your ex deceiving you all those years, you don't show anger that she doesn't provide a safe environment for her child and you need to step in to make it safe, yet you seem incapable of understanding what your wife must be going through. Do you really love your wife? If so, you need to get into counselling right away, to deal with your own feelings and reaction toward your wife. And, again, stop confiding in your ex and keep your interactions strictly to co-parenting, nothing else.

[proudddad]

Meanwhile, stop talking to your ex about anything except for arrangements directly to do with your child. Don't talk about anything to do with your wife or marriage, if you still want to save your marriage.

 

I hear you, I really do, but to go back to the lock example I used, I believe that is directly to do with my child. I dont want to talk to much about my ex but her issues are financial. I find out a lock is broken and it needs to be fixed, she will fix it in a week or so when she can get some money together. My daughter is in that house. I am going to fix it now! How can I not, it is biologically built into me to protect my kith and kin.

 

Also, you say your ex has "offered" to move away. Does that mean you are confiding in her as to the problems in your marriage? If so, you may already be in an emotional affair and your wife may sense that. Your ex should know nothing about your M. Your wife has revealed to you her fears, and to betray those fears by discussing them or related matters with your ex, is just making sure that her fears are realized.

 

I am afraid I am guilty of that. Not intentionally, in fact I never gave it a thought until I just read you post. I wasn't seeking out my ex for advice though, it's just that it has been a real hard slog and when someone, anyone, offers a sympathetic ear you just take it. I will be acutely aware to stop this from now on.

 

Your wife thought she bore your first born and has only recently realized that another woman played that important role in your life.

 

I am in the same boat here. That hasn't been easy for me to swallow believe me. I pride myself on family and to know I let a child of mine slip through the cracks tears me up inside so much. The fact I had no control over it does little to ease the pain.

 

Would you have married the other woman if you had known? Your wife may wonder about that. She may question your entire marriage and wonder what you would have done had you known. Maybe you would not be with your wife and have the two children you have. You may not even know the answers to those questions. So think about how much your wife has to question.

 

This is very thought provoking. I have sat here for more than half an hour pondering this and I cannot answer that definitively.

 

I THINK that if I knew my ex was pregnant I would have begged her to stay, I wouldn't want my child growing up interstate without a father so one way or another I would have made sure we were together. BUT that didn't happen, I met my wife, and I have everything in life I could want or need. I am not going to throw that away because an ex came back to town.

 

mmm, this is a really good post. I think I can see this a little through my wifes eyes now. I think I have some reassuring to do. She is and always will be the only one for me no matter what life throws at us.

[proudddad]

she wasn't the one having unprotected sex that produced a child

 

That is a bit harsh. I was in a relationship with my ex for two years. She only moved away to look after an elderly relative.

 

Somehow you forgive your ex deceiving you all those years, you don't show anger that she doesn't provide a safe environment for her child and you need to step in to make it safe

 

Not true. I haven't discussed these issues here because this is about MY family which includes my daughter but does not include my ex.

[woinlove]

I am afraid I am guilty of that. Not intentionally, in fact I never gave it a thought until I just read you post. I wasn't seeking out my ex for advice though, it's just that it has been a real hard slog and when someone, anyone, offers a sympathetic ear you just take it. I will be acutely aware to stop this from now on.

 

Good, because this is exactly how so many affairs start - by confiding in another woman about things you are unable to discuss effectively with your own wife (whether that is her fault, your fault, or a combination).

 

 

 

I am in the same boat here. That hasn't been easy for me to swallow believe me. I pride myself on family and to know I let a child of mine slip through the cracks tears me up inside so much. The fact I had no control over it does little to ease the pain.

 

Yes, I know and I could write about how I understand how difficult this situation is for you. But you wrote that you just see your wife standing in the way of making things work, so I am trying to get you to see that in fact that is not true. You are both standing in the way.

 

 

This is very thought provoking. I have sat here for more than half an hour pondering this and I cannot answer that definitively.

 

I THINK that if I knew my ex was pregnant I would have begged her to stay, I wouldn't want my child growing up interstate without a father so one way or another I would have made sure we were together. BUT that didn't happen, I met my wife, and I have everything in life I could want or need. I am not going to throw that away because an ex came back to town.

 

After 5 years, your wife probably knows you well enough to know that you would not easily give up making a home with your own child if you could. So just imagine what awful emotions and fears that brings up in her. Rationally, she may tell herself that you also would not want to give up her and the children with her, but part of her probably realizes that life was built in part on lies by your ex. That is a lot to deal with.

 

mmm, this is a really good post. I think I can see this a little through my wifes eyes now. I think I have some reassuring to do. She is and always will be the only one for me no matter what life throws at us.

 

Good. I do think you rushing to help your ex move and talking to her about your M (whether your wife knows this or not, stuff like that kills some intimacy that your wife must be aware of) will have made this even more painful and fearful for your wife. Ideally, you two should have done the hard work and sorted things out as a team, as partners in life. That may have taken months or more and maybe you would say you could not had lived that long without your daughter in your life. Maybe you would have had a bare contingency plan, like seeing your daughter at specific times under specific terms, until you and your wife worked out a longer term plan. Anyway, that is past and can't be undone, but you now somehow have to get back to being a team with your wife and sorting this out together. Don't expect it to happen in a few weeks. This is a huge issue. With 3 children and your M, it is worth the effort to do right as the consequences will be long-lasting.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am afraid I am guilty of that. Not intentionally, in fact I never gave it a thought until I just read you post. I wasn't seeking out my ex for advice though, it's just that it has been a real hard slog and when someone, anyone, offers a sympathetic ear you just take it. I will be acutely aware to stop this from now on.

Were this your wife's 2nd marriage and she had a child living with her ex, you'd have certain expectations regarding her conduct. And I'd guess that you'd also have some concerns were she to do some of the things you've done interacting with your daughter's mom. I get why you've done them in terms of adjusting to this new situation but can also see where your wife is coming from. As others have said, lots for her to absorb.

 

I think you have to look at it as a divorce with an unusual timeline. And as such, make sure that your contact with your ex is appropriate and limited. I commend you for wanting to do the right thing for your daughter...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

I probably went overboard initially because she was in some trouble. So I helped her out of that and I helped her move back to near her parents (which is also obviously near us). Now I did that for my daughter, nor for her, so my daughter had somewhere stable and had family around.

How far away did they live before you helped move them? Where did you stay when you went there?

 

Mr. Lucky

[woinlove]

I think I can see this a little through my wifes eyes now. I think I have some reassuring to do. She is and always will be the only one for me no matter what life throws at us.

 

The bolded is so key, and I'm glad you see that.

 

I suspect your W throwing out stuff about you being a bad father because you weren't there for your daughter is her skirting around the issue that if you had really been there, then you would probably not be married to your wife and have your other two children. She may be probing to see how much you actually regret. You obviously have regrets, having missed the first 5 years of your daughter's life, and it is difficult to separate those regrets from the life you lived those 5 years with your wife. They can be separated, but that takes a lot of honest and open and difficult communication.

 

I'm sure your wife doesn't actually think you are a bad father, since she has seen you with your sons and you are trying to be responsible with your daughter. Rather, I think there is something else threatening to her behind that accusation.

 

As you recognize, spending more time with the ex and treating her as a friend (rather than as an ex and co-parent) feeds into your wife's fears of just how much you regret the past and where that leaves her and your sons.

[proudddad]

How far away did they live before you helped move them? Where did you stay when you went there?

 

I think the relationship between me and my ex has been blown out of proportion (probably my lack of accurate posting so not accusing anyone of anything here).

 

After she made contact I told my wife immediately about her and my (alleged at this stage) daughter.

 

My wife told me to sort it out. We did a paternity test which took a while and once verified that she was indeed my daughter I again immediately told my wife. My wife told me you need to make sure your daughter has a stable home. So I did that.

 

I went to visit them interstate (I wanted my wife to come but she refused). My ex had major financial troubles and all I did was give her the details of a good financial planner in her area (I work in the field). She went and saw him and got everything sorted into something more manageable.

 

I did find my ex a house close to her parents which is still over an hour away from our house. But she organised it all, she organised acquiring the house, she organised the move, everything.

 

All I had done to this point was give some very basic financial advice (which I would do for anyone) and find a house (which was maybe overstepping).

 

Once they were here I visited my daughter once or twice a week. My wife didn't like me visiting there so I got my ex to drop my daughter off to our place. My wife has not said a word to my ex to this day and the tension around my daughter was scary (it really was) so I couldn't keep bringing my daughter home. I organised trips out with my daughter and my boys, to the zoo etc but each time my wife either would not come or if she did would not acknowledge my daughter. I mean buying an ice-cream for my two sons but not for my daughter because that is my daughter and therefore my responsibility is ridiculous.

 

So it was back to visiting my daughter at my ex's house and that is what I am still doing to this day. Now I do go inside the house but it's not like I make myself at home and lounge around on the couch or grab a beer from the fridge or anything like that. It is all very formal. She has had this to eat, she was tired and might need a sleep etc.

 

Now of course my ex can see that my wife is not being involved at all and asked if everything was ok. We spoke briefly about what was going on on a few separate occasions which I acknowledge now was wrong.

 

My relationship with my ex is nothing more than it has to be. I am not going to let my daughter be abandoned by me again and I would hate to think that my wife would want that but she is showing not one sign of empathy toward my daughter or myself.

[Janesays]

 

So it was back to visiting my daughter at my ex's house and that is what I am still doing to this day. Now I do go inside the house but it's not like I make myself at home and lounge around on the couch or grab a beer from the fridge or anything like that. It is all very formal. She has had this to eat, she was tired and might need a sleep etc.

 

Now of course my ex can see that my wife is not being involved at all and asked if everything was ok. We spoke briefly about what was going on on a few separate occasions which I acknowledge now was wrong.

 

My relationship with my ex is nothing more than it has to be. I am not going to let my daughter be abandoned by me again and I would hate to think that my wife would want that but she is showing not one sign of empathy toward my daughter or myself.

 

This is all needs to change. Quick.

 

You SHOULD NOT be visiting your daughter at your ex's house. I was a stepmother once and that wouldn't have been tolerated. Bring her home and if your wife ignores her, reassure your daughter and wait. How is your wife supposed to bond with your daughter if you don't give her time and opportunity?

 

Confiding in your ex was wrong. Dead wrong. I wouldn't have tolerated that, either.

 

Those things alone would have me questioning my marriage to you. And you're wondering why you're not getting sex? Please.

 

Never mind you are not showing your wife one ounce of empathy, either. She was suddenly thrust into the role of stepmother and it wasn't a role she choose for herself. Take it from me, being a stepmother SUCKS. You get all the WORK of being a parent and none of the reward. You can set up a trust fund to pay for a college education for a kid that primarily treats you with disgust and disdain. Trust me, I've been there and it's NOT fun. And I actually CHOSE it. Your wife didn't. Try seeing it from her point of view, for a change, and then have a loooonnnnnnggg talk where you apologize for some of this behavior and problem solve together on how to make the burden less for her and how can you help her to bond with your daughter.

[Janesays]

And you just keep making the excuses up to go over and play substitute husband for your ex when a door won't lock or the plumbing isn't working, and your wife is supposed to be HAPPY about that bullsh*t? What planet do you LIVE on? And you keep using your daughter to justify this ridiculous behavior which just makes your wife resent the kid even MORE.

 

 

I know, right? I mean, he uses that lock excuse all, "But my DAUGHTER can't stay in a house without a lock and her Mom doesn't have the money to fix it, so I HAD to rush over there."

 

Call a locksmith. If she can't pay for it, do a credit card over the phone. Is that more expensive than doing it yourself? Depends. How much does a divorce cost? If I were his wife, I'd take that option over a husband who can't draw appropriate boundaries with his ex.

[proudddad]

I know, right? I mean, he uses that lock excuse all, "But my DAUGHTER can't stay in a house without a lock and her Mom doesn't have the money to fix it, so I HAD to rush over there."

 

Maybe a re-read of my posts would be appropriate. It seems you have made up your mind before you even have all the facts. I never rushed anywhere to fix the lock, in fact what I said was

 

So if the back door wont lock (as an example) and she tells me I am not going to rush over there and fix it but if I am already there I will.

 

I bolded that part just for you. You see this attack is unwarranted because the way you portray it is not even close to how it happened. I hope you are not always that quick to ignore the facts and criticize.

 

I can GUARANTEE you that if she was suddenly back in touch with her ex and taking charge and moving him to your neighborhood and acting as though you don't count, YOU'D be pretty disgusted too.

 

Well my wife had been in very regular contact with her ex up until the dog passed away as I have already stated. And while she never helped him move, when he was unemployed she did actively help him look for work so he wouldn't lose his house and have to move further away. Similar? I think so. Was I disgusted? Not at all, in fact I encouraged her to help. And just remember her ex has made no secret of the fact that he wants her back, my ex has never once made mention of it.

 

How is your GUARANTEE now?

 

I'm surprised she's still there. I would have left a long time ago.

 

How much does a divorce cost? If I were his wife, I'd take that option

 

Thank god I am not married to either of you two irrational ladies. I am guessing you have had man issues in the past because you refuse to see anything but a sweet and pure woman and an evil uncaring man.

 

Sorry to disappoint ladies but that is not the case here.