Dumper has more difficult time to move on?

[LostOne1]

I feel that the dumped has a harder time moving on. The dumper knows what they're doing and checks out early. The dumped is under the impression everything is fine, and then one day. BAM! Their world changes and they go from really happy to really depressed, angry and confused.

exactly.. imagine if you KNEW you wanted out and were just waiting for the right time.

 

Where as the dumped doesn't even think that the dumper is planning the right time or wanting out. Dumpees are never prepared for it and dumpers are... which is why the transition is a little bit easier for the dumpers.

 

I'm sure some dumpers hurt too. My cousins had to dump his ex and I could tell it hurt him. He really liked her, but the things she did made it worse and he had no choice but to let her go. And he basically got himself busy with work and school to keep his mind off her. I don't think he even dated again or has.. so it shows dumpers hurt too. But it all depends on how much the dumper loves that person AND that they had to dump them for a tough reason.

[Shim_kattty]

I find that's the hardest part of life these days. We get so busy with work and school.. we aren't able to have a proper social life.

 

And the only way it works is we get into a relationship. But then when the relationship ends we break down. I found it tough to balance things out with my and she just wanted too much out of me.

 

I don't know about other people, but my ex expected we would talk EVERY night for 3-5 hrs on the PC through webcam or chat. I'll be honest after awhile I just couldn't do it anymore.

 

I see so many people these days investing their life with someone else. Then out of no where it ends and they are left broken inside thinking why they made all these sacrifices for a dream that now won't come true......

 

in the beginning my ex wanted to do everything with me. He was so annoying but I did it anyway. Called him after work, stopped by, texted him all day long, if that was what he wanted, I was willing to give it.

 

But ironically, these things that were asked of me led to the demise of the relationship & he broke it off with me! He wanted all my attention, I lost friendships & everything to make my world revolve around him, & he left me! Then he had a problem because the new girl wasn't showing him enough attention so he was trying to get it from me.

 

I just don't understand the logic.

[MyAngel]

exactly.. imagine if you KNEW you wanted out and were just waiting for the right time.

 

Where as the dumped doesn't even think that the dumper is planning the right time or wanting out. Dumpees are never prepared for it.

 

That hurts to think that she was planning it for possibly months in advance and to be honest that explains the distance she was growing between us but I asked her if we were okay and she said we were. Oh well. Live and learn.

[LostOne1]

in the beginning my ex wanted to do everything with me. He was so annoying but I did it anyway. Called him after work, stopped by, texted him all day long, if that was what he wanted, I was willing to give it.

 

But ironically, these things that were asked of me led to the demise of the relationship & he broke it off with me! He wanted all my attention, I lost friendships & everything to make my world revolve around him, & he left me! Then he had a problem because the new girl wasn't showing him enough attention so he was trying to get it from me.

 

I just don't understand the logic.

same here.. my ex constantly texted me asking why I wasn't online to talk.. and that she can't sleep or end her day properly without talking to me. And if I didn't come on every night or missed one she would say It means I don't care and won't put in time like her and now I'm this horrible bf suddenly.

 

Then the next day I would be nice say lets go out and suddenly i was the best bf for doing one little thing that SHE wanted.

 

I guess I realized.. she is a VERY clingy person and she wasn't when she met me. It's like I made her clingy some how and she just got too attached and addicted to me some how. I liked it but I hated it when it had to be her way for certain things such as chatting at night. Sometimes I'd be so dead and just didn't have the energy to sit there and chat. But I was told I was bad, because SHE didn't have energy but she was willing to still chat.

 

I'm not saying she was always at fault.. i'm not perfect either. But I hate that she BU it all up over reasons that could've been fixed or were stupid little things. I guess we just didn't connect on some things and those things meant a lot to her.

 

The sad part is she always told me if anyone gives her some attention or shows they care she would do anything for them. I guess most people don't care about her and I was one of the first.

 

THen on her trip away for work.. she shared a place with a few people and a new guy shows interest in her and gives her loads of attention and does things for her. WHich is why I think she BU with me. She probably started to like him and realized he's better or he does more things.. so she went with him. And in some ways I'm glad, because I wouldn't want to be with someone, who can drop me so easily after 3 yrs for someone she's met for 3 weeks.

[LostOne1]

That hurts to think that she was planning it for possibly months in advance and to be honest that explains the distance she was growing between us but I asked her if we were okay and she said we were. Oh well. Live and learn.

Well not to be rude.. but what else is she supposed to say? I'm thinking about breaking up but im not fully sure yet im on the edge about it?

 

My guess is she was like my ex.. close to BU but still not sure. I mean you don't pull the trigger unless you are SURE to lose this person and be okay with it. She wasnt okay and sure at that time, but when she finally pulled the trigger she WAS sure of the decision.

 

My ex told me the same.. that once she pulls the trigger and makes the decision.. she doesn't change it. Which means she was sure enough to let me go and know that we were done forever. So in my mind she MUST have had another option for her to go that far. I still believe she had another guy on the side and thought it was better to pull the trigger and start over with someone else than to keep this going.

 

Yeah it hurts, but at the end of the day she made a decision and that's how it is... I don't have regrets for that, because I didn't leave her. So if anyone has regrets it should be her.

[MyAngel]

Yep, so true LostOne. What you said all makes perfect sense, thanks for that. Sometimes it really helps to get another perspective on it!

[LostOne1]

Yep, so true LostOne. What you said all makes perfect sense, thanks for that. Sometimes it really helps to get another perspective on it!

No worries... it's tough to accept thats the problem. I mean I learned a lot from this BU and sadly I "might" have been able to save it earlier.

 

I didn't give my ex space and begged and all. I guess this was my 1st serious relationship and I didn't want it to die off like it did... I resorted to a way, which I think didn't work or help.

 

That's why I pass on the tips I know and all. I'm no expert at all.. I consider my self a noobie at this stuff. But from learning and reading others experiences and stories. I kinda get the reasons behind things slowly and reactions.

 

It's been a tough road for me. I'm at about 5 months since BU and about 1-2 months since we last talked. It's been a hard road and journey losing her. Lost my grandma a month before she BU with me too.

 

I guess in a few days it will be 2013 and I just hope.. that the coming year will be a -rebound year for some happiness. Honestly.. never had so many things go wrong in one year and lose people that meant a lot to me so soon.

 

I just look at what I learned from this BU and experience and just pray and hope that the pain I went through WAS worth it for something in the future. So I can look back and say what I went through in 2012 was worth it for where I am in the future. That it made me a better person and stronger in some form. Otherwise this pain I'm going through for the last half of this yr will be wasteful and useless and I'd hate to see it that way.

[Svet74]

My ex did the same exact thing! then once he knew i wasnt going anywhere he became distant and just did what he wanted. Id go NC on him and he would wait a month then contact me, and id go back. It became a cycle. went on for about a year. Then one day I met someone new and just moved on lol. Now my ex is calling, texting etc, I either ignore, Or tell him I have no interest in going out with him. Its been a month now and he is still trying. what an idiot.

[nocturne12]

Like Svet74 said, this breakup and getting back together drama has become cycle for my ex and me too. He usually starts contacting me after 2 weeks. But this time, he hasn't contacted me yet (today is the day 14th from the breakup)maybe because he is spending long 3 weeks holidays with his family.

 

I assume that he will contacts me with some excuses after he comes back from the trip.

Why do I think so? Because 2 weeks ago, right before the 2nd breakup after the original breakup, he lent me dvds and his sweater, even asked me to leave my motorcycle at his place and he offered driving me home by his car. Mixed signals!

I don't know how to deal with half minded ex.

 

Does anybody have ideas? I would like to listen to your stories if you had similar experiences.

 

My way to deal with this situation is NC, as my ex wished because I think I have no control in this situation, and he MUST find what he wants.

[Svet74]

Like Svet74 said, this breakup and getting back together drama has become cycle for my ex and me too. He usually starts contacting me after 2 weeks. But this time, he hasn't contacted me yet (today is the day 14th from the breakup)maybe because he is spending long 3 weeks holidays with his family.

 

I assume that he will contacts me with some excuses after he comes back from the trip.

Why do I think so? Because 2 weeks ago, right before the 2nd breakup after the original breakup, he lent me dvds and his sweater, even asked me to leave my motorcycle at his place and he offered driving me home by his car. Mixed signals!

I don't know how to deal with half minded ex.

 

Does anybody have ideas? I would like to listen to your stories if you had similar experiences.

 

My way to deal with this situation is NC, as my ex wished because I think I have no control in this situation, and he MUST find what he wants.

 

if you really want to see what your ex wants. Ignore him next time he contacts you. when he contacts again, ignore him again

That will get him thinkings thats for sure. Turn the tables

[Svet74]

because everytime you respond. your validating to him that your not going anywhere so he keeps up with his wishy washy ways. He knows he can take you back whenever he wants because your responding.

[LostOne1]

because everytime you respond. your validating to him that your not going anywhere so he keeps up with his wishy washy ways. He knows he can take you back whenever he wants because your responding.

ahhh grrr LOL it always reminds me of how I gave into my ex. I always made it easy for her to contact me and always msg her so much. I never backed off to say you know what.. have it ur way you want space and want to be broken up then go for it. And follow her to the door and let her our of my life.

 

It's one thing that will always bug me, but so far I have been good with NC. I can't say at school what will happen if I run into her. I always told myself I would smile look at her eyes once to make contact and turn my head away smiling still and walking right past her.

 

I want her to know I was weak at 1st, but I'm stronger now and I don't need her just like she thinks she doesn't need me. She was right.. she always said I was a strong person, that I could live through anything (a death, any loss, losing someone I love) I was strong enough to take it. Well she was right.. I am, though it hurts I know I'll make it. I know it's god or life's way of making me stronger and taking away 2 people that meant a lot to me. Guess it shows that you as a person need to be strong to overcome anything unexpected.

[Sugarkane]

This question always makes me laugh. At least the dumper actually knew there would be a breakup. Unlike the dumpee. It always seems super easy for the dumper to move on. My experience has confirmed that.

[Sugarkane]

They usually have no problem rubbing it in our faces.

[nocturne12]

Actually, I was the fist one who brought up th ebreakup back in last June because I couldn't stand his behaviour anymore at that time. I seriously tried to leave him, but my ex really tried stopping me hard even though, he told me "I loveyou, but I'm not in love with you." in a fight. I decided to leave the house we used to live together and packed my stuffs in my suitcase. Then he came to me and cried so much, and asked me to re-think my decision.

 

I was away for a week after the fight and came back without telling him anything about my feelings for him because I wasn't sure about it at that point.

 

We spent so-so summer together, and we both agreed to take a break to think our reltaionship, though, we had really strong feelings for each other, and that didn't make up really apart. Which means we didn't even stop talking/seeing. So We actually didn't take the break anyway.

 

Because of that we couldn't take clear time apart, our relationship became more unclear. I think this was the main cause of the breakup this time.

 

It is really hard to leave someone together for 7 years you know. So we again did this routine after the breakup in Sep, and kept seeing each other 3 months after the breakup.

I was kind of sick of this routine and my ex's weak mind. (My ex is who always breakingup and coming back.)

 

It has been 3 weeks since last time we talk (second breakup after the original breakup). I think my ex is doing well, and I can see that he tries to changehis behaivor. He would come back, or wouldn't come back... though, anyway I'm little glad to see his change.

 

I'm still angry and sad at him. Though, I take this change as a possitive sign for both of us because he strongly said that "I never go back to our old relationship!"

I don't know his intention clearly now, and his mixed signals confused me a lot, but I want to believe that my ex tried to make a change between us.

[NoMoreJerks]

Out of curiosity, nocturne, did your break-ups (initiated by your ex) ever seem very final, only for him to (unexpectedly) come back ? Were you ever surprised that he contacted you and came back?

[Svet74]

Out of curiosity, nocturne, did your break-ups (initiated by your ex) ever seem very final, only for him to (unexpectedly) come back ? Were you ever surprised that he contacted you and came back?

 

i really think some guys, maybe even women do it to. but i really think they break up not to just break up because they are un happy or for whatever reason. but they do it to gain control and finally get you to go chasing after them. Because they got sick of pursuing you lol just a thought?

[NoMoreJerks]

i really think some guys, maybe even women do it to. but i really think they break up not to just break up because they are un happy or for whatever reason. but they do it to gain control and finally get you to go chasing after them. Because they got sick of pursuing you lol just a thought?

Yeah, true -- I think some people do that. When I broke up with my ex (after he broke up with me and then took me back), it was because I was fed up with his behaviour and wanted to get back some of my dignity. At the same time, I really hoped he'd contact me, because I didn't really want to break up (I had strong feelings for him), and I must say, when he did contact me, it felt good to be chased once more, after I had been the one pursuing him for the most part... this second break-up, though, seems different, or maybe it seems different now that I have the benefit of hindsight on the first break-up... I was not expecting him to contact me after the first break-up either . Still for some reason, it still feels different this time around.. and he hasn't contacted me in 12 days.. last time it was about 7-8 days later that he contacted me, and did it while on his vacation in Thailand. Right now, based on what he told me, as of today, he's on a job in Turkey.. which means that he'd be even more depressed and lonely than he would've been in Thailand.. and yet, not a single word from him... Ah well. Not that I'd give him a third chance even if he does contact me...

[LostOne1]

i really think some guys, maybe even women do it to. but i really think they break up not to just break up because they are un happy or for whatever reason. but they do it to gain control and finally get you to go chasing after them. Because they got sick of pursuing you lol just a thought?

Never thought of that.. but that could be possible. I mean my ex chased me a lot and then this would be an easy way for me to chase her. Though that would be a mistake on my part for falling for it... If I didn't chase then she would've gotten screwed for sure by her plan backfiring...

[NoMoreJerks]

Never thought of that.. but that could be possible. I mean my ex chased me a lot and then this would be an easy way for me to chase her. Though that would be a mistake on my part for falling for it... If I didn't chase then she would've gotten screwed for sure by her plan backfiring...

I never chase after dumpers, once it seems that they have made up their mind and are going through with the break-up despite my attempts , while asking them for the reasons, to indirectly convince them not to leave me. So if anyone is playing that game with me, it'd be called "they lose"... I have too much dignity and self-respect to run after someone and throw myself at them after they've made it clear to me that they don't like me anymore/never liked me, were just using me, etc. No matter what kinds of feelings *I* have for them (in love, etc.). That's why I've never actually been tempted to break NC.. It's been 13 days now, and I have not even had the urge to text or call him. The break-up is his loss, not mine, really! Though I am sure he doesn't view it that way -- not yet anyway.. I'd give it a few more weeks, and then he'll realize what he trampled on and lost forever (because I'm not taking him back again).. Or maybe it will take him years and numerous other women/flings to realize that. Or maybe never (some people remain perpetual jerks!). Ah well. Again, his loss. I'm sure there are pretty decent men out there, who would think I'm a catch.

 

The only time I did break NC is when I got mad at my bf and told him not to contact me until he could apologize (a few days before the 2nd round of break-up). I shouldn't have broken it, but I did. I felt guilty for being so mean..In retrospect, I wasn't being mean. But I'd make a really poor dumper lol.

[nocturne12]

Out of curiosity, nocturne, did your break-ups (initiated by your ex) ever seem very final, only for him to (unexpectedly) come back ? Were you ever surprised that he contacted you and came back?

 

My ex has seriously broken up with me 4 times in 7 years. He seemed very serious and final, he told me "it's over!", "I never see/talk you again!", "I have never loved you". Though, I'm not sure if he had really made up his mind because my ex has short temper, and easily gets upset by unexpected argument and fight. He also tended to jump to a conclusion which is breakup.

 

I actually has not been surprised for him contacting me and coming back because I could see him in half mind even while the breakup talk. He had usually initiated breakups in fights or arguments (both small and big), and told me final words like written above. Though, when I said "ok..." or "then I will disappear from your life as you wish. never bother you again.", he got upset and tried to hold me in his life as his friend which I never agree.

 

When I told my family and friends that he again broke up with me, everybody said "he must come back again because he is too weak. Just leave him alone. And stop taking him back anymore." So no one was surprised for him coming back.

[nocturne12]

Yeah, true -- I think some people do that. When I broke up with my ex (after he broke up with me and then took me back), it was because I was fed up with his behaviour and wanted to get back some of my dignity. At the same time, I really hoped he'd contact me, because I didn't really want to break up (I had strong feelings for him), and I must say, when he did contact me, it felt good to be chased once more, after I had been the one pursuing him for the most part... this second break-up, though, seems different, or maybe it seems different now that I have the benefit of hindsight on the first break-up... I was not expecting him to contact me after the first break-up either . Still for some reason, it still feels different this time around.. and he hasn't contacted me in 12 days.. last time it was about 7-8 days later that he contacted me, and did it while on his vacation in Thailand. Right now, based on what he told me, as of today, he's on a job in Turkey.. which means that he'd be even more depressed and lonely than he would've been in Thailand.. and yet, not a single word from him... Ah well. Not that I'd give him a third chance even if he does contact me...

 

I guess my ex actually doesn't mean to breakup seriously every time sometimes. Because..

 

1) My ex usually breakups with me AFTER scheduling a unavoidable future meeting with me.

2) He even asks me to leave my important stuff at his place or lent me his stuffs RIGHT BEFORE breakups

3) He tells me that he really doesn't want a relationship with me, but he gets upset when I agree, and soon tells me opposite things to stop me at the end of breakup.

4) He seems waiting for me apologizing him about the fight first. ( I don't )

5) He waits for me to IMing him next day of the breakup. (He usually doesn't use IM. And I again don't do that.)

6) He starts contacting me few days after the breakup if I didn't contact him.

7) No apologies, but starts showing me his affection towards to me or flirting with me.

8) He tries physical communication more often than before.

 

I am not sure what my ex's intentions are, but I think you can see how much my ex is weak from these actions, and he is half minded.