Guys: Have you ever dated a woman because you felt bad about rejecting her?

[Anela]

I feel like I'm in a mild version of this situation now. I've got a great guy who does all the right stuff to reassure me and keep things moving forward, is a leader in his profession and a rock-solid provider, honest and kind, cute and sexy, and I think could be a loyal, good partner for life.

 

He's a very practical, responsible, loyal guy, and I think he sees me as a very good match he could have a good life with, but not someone he's crazy about. He's very attached to me because of our bond, the affection and closeness, and so on. And I get the impression he thinks I'm a great girl and he should feel that for me - but does not.

 

I'm torn, because in many ways we are great together, and maybe it will take longer than 6 months for his feelings for me to develop. I was taken with him right away. On the other hand, I think maybe I should end it so we can both move on to a better match. I could try to stay friends with him. It's nothing personal. I can see this is hard on him, too, and it's really nobody's fault - it's just the way it is.

 

Personally, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with a guy who doesn't really love me and feels he is settling. Sure, he would help with all the necessities of life, but I'd feel so unloved and sad, it wouldn't even matter.

 

I thought he adored you, and that you were the one with reservations. Why do you think that he doesn't have those stronger feelings? Is it okay for me to ask? I don't expect a response if you would like to keep that to yourself.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Like Iris said, it's surprisingly common. In real life, people often feel comfortable enough with me to confide their personal problems. My mum tells me that I had this quality since I was very young and should have been a psychologist Anyway, I know many more couples where at least one person has settled (and openly said so to me) than those that were truly in love. By settled, I don't mean married someone that earns less than them or has a bigger nose or something. Settling means marrying someone they were never truly that attracted to. I had to bold that because some people on LS have a different idea of what settling is.

 

I admire people that are willing to risk it alone rather than settle. I am on the fence about it, but overall I think I would be deeply unhappy if I settled.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I feel like I'm in a mild version of this situation now. I've got a great guy who does all the right stuff to reassure me and keep things moving forward, is a leader in his profession and a rock-solid provider, honest and kind, cute and sexy, and I think could be a loyal, good partner for life.

 

He's a very practical, responsible, loyal guy, and I think he sees me as a very good match he could have a good life with, but not someone he's crazy about. He's very attached to me because of our bond, the affection and closeness, and so on. And I get the impression he thinks I'm a great girl and he should feel that for me - but does not.

 

I'm torn, because in many ways we are great together, and maybe it will take longer than 6 months for his feelings for me to develop. I was taken with him right away. On the other hand, I think maybe I should end it so we can both move on to a better match. I could try to stay friends with him. It's nothing personal. I can see this is hard on him, too, and it's really nobody's fault - it's just the way it is.

 

Personally, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with a guy who doesn't really love me and feels he is settling. Sure, he would help with all the necessities of life, but I'd feel so unloved and sad, it wouldn't even matter.

 

I wonder if he ever said or did something to make you feel like he is settling or if it's more of a "gut feeling".

[Woggle]

Not really. If I have no feelings for a woman I will not waste her time.

[GoodOnPaper]

Anyway, I know many more couples where at least one person has settled (and openly said so to me) than those that were truly in love. By settled, I don't mean married someone that earns less than them or has a bigger nose or something. Settling means marrying someone they were never truly that attracted to. I had to bold that because some people on LS have a different idea of what settling is.

 

I didn't realize there was such an epidemic of men settling -- I don't recall much discussion of that on LS. Of course, the OP was not on settling in general but on having difficulty rejecting someone. If you find it too difficult to reject someone, there has to be some feelings there. There are some drawbacks to not going through that initial crazy-in-love infatuation for someone -- it is a bummer that I'm not "hot" enough to attract someone "hot" enough to have that intense passion that's sort of a holy grail for those of us on LS. But at some point, we all need to try and move on to the next stages in our lives.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I didn't realize there was such an epidemic of men settling -- I don't recall much discussion of that on LS. Of course, the OP was not on settling in general but on having difficulty rejecting someone. If you find it too difficult to reject someone, there has to be some feelings there. There are some drawbacks to not going through that initial crazy-in-love infatuation for someone -- it is a bummer that I'm not "hot" enough to attract someone "hot" enough to have that intense passion that's sort of a holy grail for those of us on LS. But at some point, we all need to try and move on to the next stages in our lives.

 

Does your wife know that you settled for her?

I am just curious...

[Ruby Slippers]

I thought he adored you, and that you were the one with reservations. Why do you think that he doesn't have those stronger feelings? Is it okay for me to ask? I don't expect a response if you would like to keep that to yourself.

 

I wonder if he ever said or did something to make you feel like he is settling or if it's more of a "gut feeling".

I don't know. He does and say certain things that are great. But then other things he says and does (or does not say or do) leave me cold. He's not romantic in the slightest, and I am big time.

 

We've agreed to pull back a little and think things over. I'm being smart, not acting on feelings. However it works out, I'm glad we met and had the good times together that we did.

[Lonely Ronin]

I don't know. He does and say certain things that are great. But then other things he says and does (or does not say or do) leave me cold. He's not romantic in the slightest, and I am big time.

 

We've agreed to pull back a little and think things over. I'm being smart, not acting on feelings. However it works out, I'm glad we met and had the good times together that we did.

 

How long have you 2 been seeing each other?

[SJC2008]

I think this is more common than we want to let on and I'm talking about both sexes. Look at all the failed R's and GIGS, especially online. If you GIG someone you should of never been with them to begin with. I'm a very happy person, so happy even when I'm depressed like now I can still laugh and have a good time! Yes I have my rock bottom moments but for the most part I can enjoy myself. I've always been alone and can do things by myself if I don't have anyone to hang out with. You could say I'm a quasai loner.

 

There are women who I could have dated that I wasn't attracted to and stood with them for sex until the NBT came along but I didn't. That HAS to be ONE of the reasons I've been single so long and the other reasons are for another thread...

[Ruby Slippers]

How long have you 2 been seeing each other?

Six months. After 2 months of dating, he had to move to a city that's a 6-hour drive away for work, and immediately laid out a plan for us visiting each other every weekend. We've done that with just a few weekends off.

 

Lately, he's asked me to spend more time in his city - like a week at a time, instead of just a quick weekend visit. I do have more flexibility to be mobile since I have my own business. He works in an office and can work remotely sometimes, but not too often. But I have my own life in my city - and we both agree my city is way cooler and more fun than where he's living now.

 

And I'm just feeling less motivated to invest my time and energy into visiting, given that he's not very expressive about how he feels about me. A little bit of travel isn't a big deal when there's love and you're building something together. But if not, I really do have more important things to do than see this guy for companionship and fun.

 

Now he's talking about stepping up the timeline to move back to my city - but I don't want him to do that because he feels pressured. He should only do that if he really wants to.

 

I'm just relaxing right now, enjoying some rare lazy time during the holidays, gearing up for the new year. I'm not worrying about all this. I figure that if it's meant to be, it'll work out, and if not, it won't.

[Nightsky]

I feel like there's a disconnect between your title and what you wrote. Your title would suggest you don't want to reject a woman because you either feel bad for her (maybe she's ugly, but nice) or because you're scared of rejecting someone and how they'll react. The situation you described sounds more like you were bored and had nothing better to do so you took on a relationship you didn't care much about. All options sound equally bad in the long term though.

 

Yes something like this.

 

Or people with low self-esteem. I have known to hook up with guys like that because they were safe and wouldn't break my heart.

 

Yep he's playing it safe but that obviously only gets him so far once he's had enough sex.

 

This is why we can't find any good guys!

 

Haha no I doubt this is the reason. I think I may have stumbled upon the female version of "nice guys finish last." The "I'm too good of a catch" lol.

 

 

 

What's wrong with dating someone you don't really want to be with when you could easily get someone you do want' date=' but you're too afraid of getting hurt? I think there's a lot wrong with this.[/quote']

 

You know this brings to mind a time a friend of mind complained about his gf being "too pretty." She wasn't even that great looking, I mean she was cute and I found her very pretty but not freakishly so. Thing is here her bf was complaining to me seriously might I add that he wished she wasn't so great looking you like his ex-gf's as if it would relieve him of the stress of dating such a pretty girl.

[Lonely Ronin]

Six months. After 2 months of dating, he had to move to a city that's a 6-hour drive away for work, and immediately laid out a plan for us visiting each other every weekend. We've done that with just a few weekends off.

 

You are both in your late 30's early 40's aren't you?

[edgygirl]

And I'm just feeling less motivated to invest my time and energy into visiting, given that he's not very expressive about how he feels about me.

 

Some guys don't know how to express their love romantically as we would expect, but they do it through actions.

 

Such is my brother-in-law, married to my sis for 25 years and they are probably the most solid couple I know.

 

I asked her if it doesn't bother her that he is not more affectionate and enthusiastic about her, being the introvert he is (she had mentioned he never ever compliments her looks i.e.) and she said he shows he cares and loves her by being the best husband, the best father, being there for all of them and doing the things he has to do to make sure they are well.

 

Have you tried to find out or discuss your feelings with him?

[GoodOnPaper]

Does your wife know that you settled for her?

I am just curious...

 

The topic doesn't come up but she's well aware that I consider my singlehood a very miserable time in my life.

[Woggle]

I have to give the guys side on this. I am not speculating about anybody's situation on here but would you rather a man who showed you everyday through his actions that he loved you or a guy who knows to feed a woman a bunch of bs? There are guys who know how to say all the right words but it is all lies.

[iris219]

Haha no I doubt this is the reason. I think I may have stumbled upon the female version of "nice guys finish last." The "I'm too good of a catch" lol.

 

Are you saying I'm the female version of a nice guy who fails with women? If so, I'd agree with that an extent. The last guy I dated said he had no idea I'd be so nice, and I don't think he meant it as a compliment. I think some guys see the fact that I'm genuinely nice and caring as boring. Being with me means little drama and that probably isn't exciting to them.

 

I think it's too easy to be with me. I'm a generally pleasant, easy to be around person. I need to figure out a way to make it harder and more stressful to be around me.

 

You know this brings to mind a time a friend of mind complained about his gf being "too pretty." She wasn't even that great looking, I mean she was cute and I found her very pretty but not freakishly so. Thing is here her bf was complaining to me seriously might I add that he wished she wasn't so great looking you like his ex-gf's as if it would relieve him of the stress of dating such a pretty girl.

 

I think this is common, for both men and women.

[Woggle]

I think sadly some people have become so accustomed to drama and craziness that they can't handle contentment and peace. Some guys are probably so used to everything being a constant game that they don't know how to handle somebody who just wants a nice and normal relationship.

[NoMoreJerks]

I thought I'd met someone good for me, that I was strongly attracted to, as well. I mentioned him to you before - the one who ended up going to Thailand, when I thought he would be visiting me (or I, him). And then he proceeded to gaslight me. He was still in love with his ex (who broke up with him almost ten years ago - well, he broke up with her, thinking she would eventually break his heart because men were all over her). He then proceeded to tell me he was in love for the first time in ages, the day before my birthday last year- only I found it a week later. It broke me, because I'd waited so long, and thought my luck with men had finally changed. Nope, I guess my looks are sub-standard, even though I've been complimented in all sorts of other ways. I wanted someone stable, with mutual attraction involved. He was the one to keep contacting me, until he got into his new party lifestyle (even then, he was the one contacting me which I didn't understand - I was too trusting and ignored red flags).

 

That guy kept going on about women not wanting him - it turned out I didn't count. He was full of compliments, as I said, but he wanted the gorgeous women he bitched about, who wanted the fancy car, the big wallet, etc. he needed the ego boost of a trophy - or more than one trophy.

OMG, your ex reminds me of my ex SO MUCH it's actually CREEPY! Mine probably dumped me because he felt pressured to come visit me (even though he brought up the idea himself!) - he probably took some time to think about it, though, and decided that he'd rather go to Thailand, because if he spent the money coming to visit me, he couldn't go to Thailand (or that he couldn't justify going to Thailand when he wasn't coming to see me).

 

Mine also claimed he was dumped 2 years ago (and that's when his buddies suggested he go to Thailand to get over his break-up). He never said he was still in love with her, but I think he was. Who the hell knows, maybe he contacted her over Christmas, and she gave him some positive signals, which led him to dump me. I don't even know. He claimed he couldn't do a serious relationship while he traveled so much for work, but I have a feeling there is much more to this story than what he claimed, because honestly, I was the least demanding gf EVER. We hardly talked on the phone, I hardly called because he once told me I was annoying him when I called, we'd only talk when he felt lonely and needed to talk, etc. It was ALL about him. I guess you're right, my ex was just like yours: "he wanted the gorgeous women he bitched about, who wanted the fancy car, the big wallet, etc. he needed the ego boost of a trophy"... So sad and disgusting. It actually made me wonder if most men are actually like this, despite the fact that they claim they want a nice woman. They probably do want a nice woman, but only for a temporary ego boost. It's rare to find a man who is genuinely looking for a nice woman who genuinely cares about him and isn't in the relationship for the money or the ego boost.

 

In my case, I know my looks are not sub-standard. I am above average-looking, IMO, and have received so many compliments about my looks from not only friends, but complete strangers. I've had men approach me , want to date me, etc. I know it wasn't my looks. Maybe my personality. Maybe I wasn't too demanding. Yes, he kept accusing me of being too selfish and demanding, and I became even less demanding of him over time, but maybe I should've done the exact opposite. Maybe he DID like that. Or maybe there just was NO WINNING with him. You just can't win with some people, to be honest, and I think he was one of those people... Don't think that it's your looks, or your personality, or anything you did. They are good at projecting their faults onto us. Sure, I may have made mistakes, but no one is perfect. Being in a relationship doesn't mean being perfect. It means being mature enough to discuss mistakes and work on them together.

[TheZebra]

I think sadly some people have become so accustomed to drama and craziness that they can't handle contentment and peace. Some guys are probably so used to everything being a constant game that they don't know how to handle somebody who just wants a nice and normal relationship.

 

This is true. When I started dating my ex he would constantly remark on how 'easy' I was to be around, how he didn't have to walk on eggshells, and how shocked he was about it all. Apparently his exes were some kind of crazy and full of drama.

 

Iris, continue being yourself. I don't think any normal person is attracted to the high-maintenance and over-dramatic types. Be normal and you will likely find normal. We hope!

[NoMoreJerks]

That guy kept going on about women not wanting him - it turned out I didn't count

OMG. Mine told me that too. In front of me. He complained women didn't want him / didn't approach him in bars, etc. He never once considered that I had wanted him enough to be with him. That never counted, because HE never cared about that... He was just using me. I didn't realize what his rants about women not wanting him meant, until after he dumped me... I mean, I kept asking myelf "what about me?" but I thought, what if he's just saying it in general, for the times before he met me? But he wasn't. He even complained to me that women would not approach him when he was in Turkey for a job. He only considered me a "friend with benefit " and an object that would give him an ego boost.

[Ruby Slippers]

I asked her if it doesn't bother her that he is not more affectionate and enthusiastic about her, being the introvert he is (she had mentioned he never ever compliments her looks i.e.) and she said he shows he cares and loves her by being the best husband, the best father, being there for all of them and doing the things he has to do to make sure they are well.

 

Have you tried to find out or discuss your feelings with him?

Affection and passion are very important to me. I'm not happy without them. I don't care how many nice things he does, if he doesn't verbalize his feelings for me, he feels like a friend. I have friends who do lots of nice things for me, and never say "I love you", "I'm lucky to be with you", or any of that stuff. Because they're just friends. Yes, we've talked about this, especially over Christmas break. Here's an excerpt from our conversation:

 

Me: "I want to be with someone who adores me."

Him: "I do adore you."

Me: "You've never told me that." (in 6 months)

Him: "I'm telling you now."

Me: "It would be nice if you said this stuff just because you felt it, not because you feel coerced."

 

Can you see why this doesn't leave me with a warm, fuzzy, adored feeling?

 

I have to give the guys side on this. I am not speculating about anybody's situation on here but would you rather a man who showed you everyday through his actions that he loved you or a guy who knows to feed a woman a bunch of bs? There are guys who know how to say all the right words but it is all lies.

I would rather he did both - actions and words. All talk and no action is meaningless, and I can see right through it. All action and no talk is ineffective at establishing and maintaining a romantic bond.

 

Without him verbalizing feelings, my motivation to continue seeing him is at zero.

[NoMoreJerks]

Affection and passion are very important to me. I'm not happy without them. I don't care how many nice things he does, if he doesn't verbalize his feelings for me, he feels like a friend. I have friends who do lots of nice things for me, and never say "I love you", "I'm lucky to be with you", or any of that stuff. Because they're just friends.

Sounds just like my ex. He DOES consider you just a friend, by the sounds of it. My ex treated me the same way, and it turned out that he was treating me as a "friend with benefits."

 

I don't understand the whole "all action and no talk." Why is it so difficult for a mature man to say a few words of endearment? I mean, come on. I call bull**** on that. Also, most of the time, actions are rather vague too... or non-existent.

[Lonely Ronin]

Me: "I want to be with someone who adores me."

Him: "I do adore you."

Me: "You've never told me that." (in 6 months)

Him: "I'm telling you now."

Me: "It would be nice if you said this stuff just because you felt it, not because you feel coerced."

 

Some of us are reserved when it comes to saying stuff like that, because it had ended badly for us in the past, just saying.......

[Ruby Slippers]

Some of us are reserved when it comes to saying stuff like that, because it had ended badly for us in the past, just saying.......

No offense, but I think that's a lame excuse. We've all been hurt. I got over my hurt and am ready to love. If he's not ready for that, too, then he's not the guy for me.

[Lonely Ronin]

No offense, but I think that's a lame excuse. We've all been hurt. I got over my hurt and am ready to love. If he's not ready for that, too, then he's not the guy for me.

 

you miss the point, it's not that he might not feel it, or that he might not be ready for it. This is one of the few generalizations that i think hold true. A lot of women don't understand that men who where born prior to the 90's, are not good at talking about/expressing about our feelings. Hell, i was born in the 70's and grew up on a steady diet of John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson, and the the movies they stared in. Hell, even Top Gun has some similar plot lines.

 

In short we learned from a very early age that having insecurities, and showing weakness or fear, are something men aren't supposed to do. We internalize are feeling, good and bad, a lot more than women do, and thus we are not nearly as good as women when it comes to expressing them verbally. I'm sure you will call BS or something on this, but it is what it is.