normal person Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Think about some of the attractive qualities of really likable people or someone you would want in a partner. The reasons they're successful quite often aren't physical. Really likable, attractive people are happy, talented, outgoing, caring, comforting, funny, confident, interesting, etc. This is universal, not gender-specific. A lot of people who aren't particularly physically attractive can seem so if they have fantastic personalities, I know a few examples. What you need to do is implement all these qualities into your personality and you'll become magnetic. I know this sounds like pedestrian advice, but it's true. You need to give other people a reason to be attracted to you. Sometimes you can attract women without opening your mouth, but most of the time you usually can't expect that. Think about the qualities you would love in a person -- it's pretty safe to assume that person wants a lot of those same irresistible things. So you have to get them and display them.
movingon12 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 No.. that rule is mainly for attractive women. You know.. women with amazing bodies, nice teeth, beautiful hair and cute symmetrical faces. <yawn> .....
MrCastle Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 1. Finish school and get a full time job. At your age, you should be building a career. 2. Get a regular social circle. (this will increase your social confidence) 3. Find a new interest/hobby that you can talk about. 4. Stop hitting on 21 yo college girls only. 5. When talking to girls, say things that are slightly inappropriate. Boring/nice conversation is well, boring. 6. Treat women with respect. Forget about all the "bad boy" advice you have heard. 7. Grow a thicker skin. Make peace with rejection. 8. Maximize your looks (clothes, fitness, hair). You have killer legs. Why are they not wrapped around my head 3
Imported Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 No.. that rule is mainly for attractive women. You know.. women with amazing bodies, nice teeth, beautiful hair and cute symmetrical faces. Truly, your village is turning out turnips that are not to my liking and it is for this reason that I have decided to smite your village and burn it to the ground. Casting all of your male folk to the sea and taking all of your female virgins.....and the harlots, as my own to be used as concubines or cleaning girls after farther inspection.
johan Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 No.. that rule is mainly for attractive women. You know.. women with amazing bodies, nice teeth, beautiful hair and cute symmetrical faces. I've never dated a girl who wasn't attractive. I've never been more attracted to a girl than I am to my current girlfriend. I guess it's possible to do it "wrong" and still succeed. That makes me wonder how good a rule you have.
movingon12 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 There is really no "wrong". That's what most people don't get. But you just said that Johan's way of attracting women (summarised as 'be a decent human being and not a complete twat') was a 'rule' that only applied to getting unattractive women. So was his approach 'wrong' or not?
movingon12 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Its a "rule". That doesn't mean its the ONLY rule or the ONLY way. There is more than one way to skin a cat. As a rule you bake Pizza in an oven. Is that the ONLY way to cook pizza? NO its not. Then why did you make a specific point of telling him he that the approach he had used only applied to unattractive women?
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 You have killer legs. Why are they not wrapped around my head See SD, that's an example of bold, borderline inappropriate thing to say. 3
HeavenOrHell Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 No-one dates someone they're not attracted to, but attraction means different things to different people. I've never dated a girl who wasn't attractive. I've never been more attracted to a girl than I am to my current girlfriend. I guess it's possible to do it "wrong" and still succeed. That makes me wonder how good a rule you have.
AMusing Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I'll jump on the "get a life, then a girlfriend" advice bandwagon. I liked these three points especially: 3. I'm happy on my own, but I prefer a relationship 4. I have a life of my own (friends, hobbies, interests) 5. I'm not in a rush. I don't jump on the first attractive woman who looks single/interested. ) I'll amend his list to say that you should find something you're really passionate about, whether that's work or a sport/hobby. I've accepted dates with guys I almost certainly would have otherwise overlooked, because of some awesome hobby they had. Passion for climbing, technical scuba diving, back-country skiing, and kayaking have all piqued my interest in men that I would otherwise have been lukewarm towards. Why would I have overlooked them? Because at first glance they were average looking, averagely-dressed, kinda dorky, quieter guys who weren't as skilled at picking up women as other men I meet. Very recently I was at a party with two men trying to get my attention. The first was a very handsome, well-dressed European (gotta love accents) who was quite good at flirting. The second looked and acted like a "stereotypical" engineer (apologies to any engineers in the room, but you get the picture), except for his passion for freestyle kayaking. You should've seen the first guy's jaw drop when the engineer got my number, but hearing about the engineer's kayaking adventures was flat-out sexy to me. Any hobby that makes a woman spontaneously say, "Really?! How did you get into that?" will immediately open doors to further conversation and therefore potential dates. It also gives you a topic you're really confident and knowledgeable about, and I think everyone agrees that confidence is very attractive. And hey, if it doesn't earn you a date, at least you're busy living life instead of moping about the lack of ladies interested in you.
IT Geek Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 No-one dates someone they're not attracted to, but attraction means different things to different people. Regardless of the other factors of attraction, it must include physical attraction. There is absolutely NO room for debate here.
IT Geek Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Any hobby that makes a woman spontaneously say, "Really?! How did you get into that?" will immediately open doors to further conversation and therefore potential dates. It also gives you a topic you're really confident and knowledgeable about, and I think everyone agrees that confidence is very attractive. Once again, however, if you hadn't been at least somewhat physically attracted to the geek (I'm an engineer so I can call us that) would you have even bothered conversing with him to learn about his hobbies? Women don't generally waste time with guys they have already dismissed as a "no way" in my experience.
iris219 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Once again, however, if you hadn't been at least somewhat physically attracted to the geek (I'm an engineer so I can call us that) would you have even bothered conversing with him to learn about his hobbies? Women don't generally waste time with guys they have already dismissed as a "no way" in my experience. Of course! We converse with people we aren't attracted to all the time.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I can't beleive you are that bad looking IT geek....
AMusing Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Once again, however, if you hadn't been at least somewhat physically attracted to the geek (I'm an engineer so I can call us that) would you have even bothered conversing with him to learn about his hobbies? Women don't generally waste time with guys they have already dismissed as a "no way" in my experience. Oh, sorry, I should clarify. I'm not one of the ridiculously stuck-up, "I only talk to pretty people" bitches (for lack of another word). I'm really sorry if you are running across those kinds of people very often, IT geek, but I promise we aren't all like that. I actually enjoy talking to people, even if I don't immediately think I'd want to date them. To answer your question more directly: no, of course the engineer isn't physically repulsive. No hunchback or uncontrolled acne. However, I wasn't exaggerating when I say I would completely overlook him based on his physical appearance. Evidently he's been to the same get-togethers as me before, and I literally did not remember him until I got a chance to talk to him. As we talked, he became more attractive and memorable to me, to the point that I blew off "classically handsome dude" to spend more time with the "geek." That said, a cold approach in a bar/club scene probably wouldn't have gotten the engineer very far with me, since that's where shallow conversations and blatant good looks tend to win out over personality. Knowing that he was friends-of-a-friend gave us an excuse to start talking in the first place, in an environment that supported lengthier conversations. That why I recommend the OP get both hobbies and a bigger social circle. Knowing people helps you meet more people. It also took the engineer a certain amount of confidence/courage to strike up the conversation with me in the first place. So I think my advice (and almost everyone else's here) stands: confidence, willingness to experience rejection, a reasonably large social group, interesting hobbies, and passion for something in life will serve a man very well in finding a relationship.
tman666 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 On the topic of conversational flirting: Eternal Sunshine summed it up best as occasionally saying things that are borderline inappropriate to her. That said, I personally wouldn't turn on the "inappropriate" comments at all unless I knew her at least a little bit. There are ways to express interest without being sleazy. Basically, I'm referring to taking any regular conversation that you guys might be having and being able to take something seemingly mundane and turn it into a mild come on. You: Man, it's hot outside today! Where can I buy a pair of shorty-shorts like you have on? Her: hahaha, that's weird. You: Yeah, maybe that's not a good idea. I'd get the cops called on me if I did that. Guess I'll leave the short shorts wearing to someone who pulls it off well, like you. Her: Hnnnggggghhh *shorts come flying off, quickly followed by her panties* ------------------ Obviously, the above example works every time on every woman ever. There ya go: the secret has been unlocked. But really, don't think in terms of one liners or pick up lines. Learn to converse with girls, learn to be silly and say outlandish things at times, and don't be afraid to hit on her a little bit. Don't be afraid to tease her: Let's say she walks in the room and her hair is a little messy: You: Whoa! Hitting the sauce a little early I see! Her: Hahaha no, it's just windy outside You: Surrrreeeee. So who's the lucky guy? Her: What guy? You: The guy that gave you that glorious mane of sex hair! Her: Oh Somedude, you're so funny! I wish that was the case! You: I bet I can find someone to fix that problem for you... Her: Hnnnggghhhh *pants off, panties down, legs open* ------------------- It goes without saying, Somedude, that the above two examples are gold. Their effectiveness should not be questioned. You can be bold and coy at the same time. Overt passes at girls might work for some guys (maybe they'll work for you, who knows), while subtlety might work better on others. I prefer a more subtle approach. I feel ridiculous with more overt come-ons, and since self perception has a large effect on how we are perceived, I avoid it. Find what works for you and run with it. The main element here is going to be getting rid of your fear of rejection. It's not about having no ego. It's about having an untouchable ego. Some girls respond to "silly" very well. Others will think you're a clown. That's why it's important to be able to take cues from the women who you're talking to. Communication is a two way street. You're not just going to walk up to some girl and start delivering your script. You have to go with the flow. Maybe she's having a bad day. Maybe she doesn't have a personality that fits your flirting style. Either way, you have to learn to read the cues she's giving you (and unless she's a robot, she WILL be giving feedback in some form-vocal, body language, etc). Learning to read other people will also help save you from having to go through a lot of the more humiliating rejections. That doesn't mean you have to abandon ship the second she starts going a little bit cold on you, but it allows you to pull back or throttle up according to what doors she's keeping open. Think of it like a dance, not a boxing match. You are not there to deliver blow after blow. As the man, you lead and you respond to cues and you move together with synchronicity. To be honest, I don't think it's possible to describe the finer points of conversation in a blog post (other posters, feel free to prove me wrong). This is stuff that is learned through practice. The major hangup in getting better at it is your own fear and ego. Btw: you keep saying that you want to build muscle and lose fat. Dude. Come on. There's a subforum here that might be able to help you with that... 2
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 No.. that rule is mainly for attractive women. You know.. women with amazing bodies, nice teeth, beautiful hair and cute symmetrical faces. Are you saying that Johan's girlfriend is not an attractive woman? I doubt it. and Somedude is only interested in very attractive early 20's women.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 "Be yourself." You keep getting this advice, and you keep rejecting it. What you are failing to understand is that people are attracted to who you ARE, including how you look, and not to what you DO. Some people can, evidently, perfect an "act" of some type that works, but I think that's beyond the range of most normal people. We have to work with who we really are and how we really look. You have a lot of undeveloped parts of yourself. Work on yourself. Spend your spare time working on yourself instead of carrying on, and on, and on here about how much your desperation to have a girlfriend - ANY girlfriend that is the correct age and dimensions, and with the right type of hair. It's not going to garner you any results. Really, you want someone who likes you for who you are, and I hope you will develop yourself to a place where you will actually like a girl for WHO she is (including the physical attraction part), not just some generic cipher who matches up with a list you have. Honestly, that's how it works for all of us who have actual relationships. 7
Author somedude81 Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 Thanks guys, lots of good stuff in this thread. I wish I had more time to address various posts but I'm going to be on the road most of the day. Though I think I have time for one. Really, you want someone who likes you for who you are, and I hope you will develop yourself to a place where you will actually like a girl for WHO she is (including the physical attraction part), not just some generic cipher who matches up with a list you have. I already do, and have always done. As long as she meets the bare minimum physically (which the vast majority of young women do), personality is what really matters.
Imajerk17 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 (edited) Thanks guys, lots of good stuff in this thread. I wish I had more time to address various posts but I'm going to be on the road most of the day. Though I think I have time for one. I already do, and have always done. As long as she meets the bare minimum physically (which the vast majority of young women do), personality is what really matters. Instead of "addressing" us (as you always do) you ought to be putting yourself out there over the next couple of weeks doing some approaches. You have any idea how many people will be out at the bars celebrating, for one thing? THEN you can come back and address us.... You learn by DOING. Doing and making mistakes and correcting, but doing nonetheless. Edited December 21, 2012 by Imajerk17 1
Meeks7 Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 ^ Imajerk is correct. Start acting the advice out, and less responding to it WITHOUT first acting upon them. I'm surprised you guys are still taking time to create these long elaborate posts. It's become evident to me that as we reach 2013 some people enjoy the cry for help/attention, but don't have the true desire to follow through. It's a square dancing game for them that kills time. How many similar posts have we read over the past year, 2 years? Somedude always comes back to post the same thread and same problem time after time. After a while, the problem isn't women. It's the person in the mirror. Somedude, did you even read the "6 Harsh Truths" article someone posted in this thread? It is awesome. But like anything else, if you never apply these things consistently, you will always be stuck where you are. And I have a sneaky feeling that deep down, you actually are OK with it. OK enough to the point where staying where you are is better than getting rejected. 1
EasyHeart Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 The only thing I'll add is that you should try to like women. Not just the ones you want to date -- all of them. Get to know them (and treat them) as people and the romantic stuff will grow naturally with the ones that are attracted to you. 6
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 As long as she meets the bare minimum physically . Would you be fine with a woman deciding to go out with you after ascertaining that you "meet the bare minimum physically"? I bet that no real relationship, ever, got started on such a premise. 4
Teknoe Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 SD, It's ironic. Back in 2010 I tried reaching out to you so much, but now in 2012... I think I have become a lot like SD. There are a lot of people in the world living the kind of existence that SD81 lives. I think I am now one of them. The difference between me and him? I made peace with my situation, and he has yet to. I don't mean his fighting for wanting a GF is a bad or wrong thing, but if you're gonna fight, then fight. Don't just post the same stuff for YEARS ON END without fighting for change. Me, I've made peace with myself. SD, you can read more about it here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/363269-so-ive-reached-sort-conclusion-about-something-my-life There are a lot of 30 something bachelors out there living isolated. It's not the worst thing in the world. But if you want to fight for more, then fight. Posting and never taking the kind of effective action it takes for change to happen is worst than the guy who is in your same shoes but has found peace in it. At least that guy is happy. Meanwhile, you're stuck in limbo and can't even enjoy the life that you do have. And that is a shame. At least for me, I enjoy a quiet night at home. I enjoy my video games, I enjoy writing reviews for those games, I enjoy talking about games with other gamers online, I enjoy my sports teams, etc. I do want a GF like you SD but it's not my end all be all. As a result, I actually enjoy the life that I do have. Nothing's worst than hating your existence but also not doing anything to change it up. You're caught in the middle of the worst worlds. Either make peace, or truly fight for change. 1
KungFuJoe Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Off topic...this is for IT Geek... From one geek to another...what exactly do you do as a living? Just wondering because I work in IT as well.
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