So I've reached sort of a conclusion about something in my life

December 21, 2012

I don't know if anyone here has ever.

But quick overview: growing up I loved the old TV show Saved By the Bell. It was my heart's desire to be Zack Morris, be that cool guy who had 2 best guy friends, and 3 (single, hot) close girl friends as well. Basically, a small tight-knit group with both sexes. That never quite happened for me for any sustained length of time.

3 years ago I was depressed following, ironically, a tight-knit 4-way friendship fall out, and got into the church scene to seek some solace and friends. There I met some good people, who would later betray or hurt me. I switched churches... 3 times in 3 years. Just recently, I stopped going to church and realized... maybe it's not for me. FTR, I still believe in Jesus, but I am no longer a fan of the "church scene." I think one can still be Christian even though they don't attend a local church consistently. If somebody wants to call me a "casual Christian," so be it. Just more judgment and another aspect of the religious side of Christianity that I don't like.

Anyway, I cut off contact with my church acquaintances recently. They were becoming a burden to me. Emailing/FB'ing me to hang out... when I no longer care to. I've now gone to assertive declining without giving a reason. I just say "Thanks for the invite but I'll pass."

I'm 29 now, and pretty much a loner. I live with my bro and most of my interactions are with my coworkers, my bro and his GF. Bro, his GF and I hang out about once or twice a week. They make up the bulk of my social interaction. The rest of the time, I'm playing video games, or watching sports (when I'm not working -- BTW I work 50 hours a week and I also tutor an autistic neighbor on Sundays).

You know what? I've made peace with my situation. A couple years ago, I was younger, had more energy, was working 10 hours a week (!) and was more interested in hanging out.

These days I just want to be by myself and stay in. I have really become introverted whereas in 2010 I was quite extroverted, even going on a summer mission trip to Africa!

I am no longer obsessed about having that tight-knit two-sex group of friends, and I have plenty of acquaintances, but very few of them I actually care to spend a great deal of time with. Maybe I am commitment phobic, I don't know. But I have less energy these days and prefer whatever free time I get to be on my own.

It also saves a ton of gas and money. Since I stopped driving 25+ miles to church each Sunday, or hanging out going to dinner with my friends, I'm saving so much gas and $.

I know having friends is important. I do have some, but no one I consistently hang out with. But I've made peace for it... at least in this season of my life. I enjoy my peace and quiet.

As for the girlfriend thing, I've also made peace with the possibility that my life is heading toward maybe not what is considered conventional. I may marry late, or may even never marry. Would I be OK with being a bachelor for the rest of my life? Actually, yeah. I'd like a family one day but if it never happens, I could go on with my life and still be content.

Anyway, I guess when one hits 29 or so, they start to make peace with a lot of things. When I was 25, I was still wide-eyed about different possibilities. I wouldn't say my dreams have died... I would say I've simply adjusted expectations and learned to make peace with where I am.

December 21, 2012

It sounds like you've just gotten used to your isolation, not that you actually enjoy it. When we make something a habit, it becomes comfortable, even if it's not the best thing for us. To me, it sounds like you've given up in some ways.

I get like that every now and then. I start thinking, "Why should even go out. It's not like I'm going to meet anyone." And I'm not going to meet anyone, but it's still important for me to get out occasionally. You're too young to not be out having fun, even if you think you feel content right now. Try to make yourself meet up with friends and go to church maybe once a month.

FTR, I wanted to be Jessie from Saved by the Bell, and I've done a pretty good job of becoming a smart, driven, strong woman like she was.

December 21, 2012

It sounds like you've just gotten used to your isolation, not that you actually enjoy it. When we make something a habit, it becomes comfortable, even if it's not the best thing for us. To me, it sounds like you've given up in some ways.

I get like that every now and then. I start thinking, "Why should even go out. It's not like I'm going to meet anyone." And I'm not going to meet anyone, but it's still important for me to get out occasionally. You're too young to not be out having fun, even if you think you feel content right now. Try to make yourself meet up with friends and go to church maybe once a month.

FTR, I wanted to be Jessie from Saved by the Bell, and I've done a pretty good job of becoming a smart, driven, strong woman like she was.

LOL Jessie. One of my favorite episodes was the one where she got strung up on drugs and the song "I'm so excited I just can't hide it."

Anyway, in some ways I have thrown in the towel, but I think you are incorrect in saying I am not enjoying my peace and quiet. I actually do. That's how I know I'm "different" from most young adults. They're out busy with friends, making travel plans, eating at different (elegant) restaurants, etc. Honestly, that just makes me tired even thinking about it.

I think eventually, I will go back to church once a month or so, but it'll be on my terms. I just want to absorb the message and then get out go on with my life. Inviting me to prayer nights, social hangouts, join a small group, become a greeter, etc. it's just too much selling for me.

Anyway, since leaving my church acquaintances behind, I've been happier being me. I disliked the fakeness of having to go out with people you weren't really that close with, have forced conversation for 3-4 hours and then get back home. Toward the end of the hangouts I was like literally "What am I doing? This group doesn't fit me, or I don't fit this group. I need to get out."

I really am happy just following my sports teams, playing my video games, and hanging out with my bro and his GF. Work during the week. That's enough for me. Never been a big travel or adventure kind of guy, never will be.

This is just how I am. Staying home is my preference. I know it'll affect my chances of getting a GF one day, and then marrying, but I'm also OK with the theory that I'll never marry.

Anyway, we'll see how 2013 plays out. Right now, I just want to be on my own to sort some things out. Just the 'season' I am in right now.

December 22, 2012

Haha! I remember that episode.

It's important to find people you feel you connect with. No wonder you'd rather stay home alone. Hanging out with people like the ones you describe sounds painful!

You aren't completely alone since you have your brother. Some people don't need or want a bunch of friends.

Maybe you will find people you click with. Maybe not. It's nice to hear someone being content on here rather than whining about how they can't be happy until they get a GF. They have no idea what being happy alone means and how important this is. You are in a much better position the they are to meet someone because you know how to be happy on your own.

December 22, 2012

Haha! I remember that episode.

It's important to find people you feel you connect with. No wonder you'd rather stay home alone. Hanging out with people like the ones you describe sounds painful!

You aren't completely alone since you have your brother. Some people don't need or want a bunch of friends.

Maybe you will find people you click with. Maybe not. It's nice to hear someone being content on here rather than whining about how they can't be happy until they get a GF. They have no idea what being happy alone means and how important this is. You are in a much better position the they are to meet someone because you know how to be happy on your own.

Ha, thanks. Yeah, it is painful. The thing that used to guilt me a lot was these aren't bad people at all. In fact they are GREAT people! But, there is just no connection other than we go to the same church and we've done the big church easter musical the past 3 years together. Outside of that, I have no interests in their lives. I know that sounds cruel, but I find it hard to connect with them, especially seeing how 90% of the group is a good 10 to even 25 years older than me! I've just had enough of it. Especially since I fell out of the church, working full time now, I just want to be home relaxing with my latest video game, lol.

I don't care to sit around to listen to how a distant acquaintance's work week went, or whatever. It really is like pulling teeth at this point. The connection was pretty strong in 2011 I'll admit. That's when I first joined the church officially, had a major role in the play, and everyone was connected through that. Over time though, things change and now I'm like... "I'm forcing myself to hang with people I don't really care to, even though they're great people... there's just no connection."

I do hope to find people my age I'll click with, but I also know at 29 it gets harder and harder. Either way, no sweat. Maybe I'm just headed toward a life path that is a little more unconventional. But, as long as I enjoy it, and I do now, it's going to be OK.

December 22, 2012

I really don't want to be the wet blanket here, but I really don't think utter and complete loneliness is good for anyone. You don't need to force yourself to hang out with people you don't click with, but IMO you do need to actively look for people you click with if you don't know any at the moment. You don't need to hang out with them everyday, not even every weekend, if you don't want to, but you should at least have someone or a few people whom you can talk to when you feel down, who'd be there with you if you fell sick, whom you can trust to watch your back.

I think a lot of this is stemming from you being exhausted from work, which is totally understandable, but I still don't think it's healthy.

December 22, 2012

I really don't want to be the wet blanket here, but I really don't think utter and complete loneliness is good for anyone. You don't need to force yourself to hang out with people you don't click with, but IMO you do need to actively look for people you click with if you don't know any at the moment. You don't need to hang out with them everyday, not even every weekend, if you don't want to, but you should at least have someone or a few people whom you can talk to when you feel down, who'd be there with you if you fell sick, whom you can trust to watch your back.

I think a lot of this is stemming from you being exhausted from work, which is totally understandable, but I still don't think it's healthy.

Oh I know Els. I have gone from one extreme to the other. I don't want to suggest that I am completely alone. There are some people I could call on a dime and it wouldn't be awkward. I think right now, I'm just taking a complete break to re-energize myself. I think eventually, I'll get back into a "hunting" mode as far as finding new connections is concerned. Maybe the summer time when I'll actually have 2.5 months off to enjoy myself.

I definitely don't wish to stay where I am right now forever, Els.

But, I do think it's wise for me to stay here for a little bit just to re-assess things. I don't want to rush into looking for new connections too fast. I definitely know sustained isolation isn't healthy for anyone, but I will be looking consciously for select friends/acquaintances to stay in touch with on a semi-regular basis.

I don't think though that I will ever again be the guy who hangs out with buddies every weekend. I just don't have the energy or desire for that anymore. Maybe once every 2-4 weeks... it's funny how people change from age 25 to age 29. I did the whole church scene and now just need to recharge my batteries.

December 22, 2012

Oh, in that case, I think it's totally fine. Once every 2-4 weeks is how often I go for social events as well, though I'd probably be motivated to go out a bit more if I didn't have a live-in bf, and I have old friends (who live far away) to talk to over the phone or online. As long as you aren't completely alone, it's all good. I think it's normal for most introverts to scale down their social activities a bit when they start working.

Edited December 22, 2012 by Elswyth

December 22, 2012

I think it's normal for most introverts to scale down their social activities a bit when they start working.

Yup, in 2010 I took a personality quiz and came out as an 11% low-tier extrovert. However, after several rejections in the church scene and whatnot, I think my introvert side eventually over took me. And now that I started working 45-50 hour weeks... I just have no energy for people I don't really have a connection with.

Eventually, I would like to strike a better balance, but this being my first year, it's been a learning experience.

December 22, 2012

I wouldn't really care to have a group of multi sex friends. Much prefer a group of men. Also when I hang out multi sex its usually a couples type thing. Like the gf's are friends or the bf's are friends etc.

I think your attitude is a good one if you're ok being you. I think if you want things don't be afraid to go for them full force. Also you need passion in your life. Just don't have to make life about fitting in with a group of finding a wife. I think if you want a wife you should be able to find one. Obviously you could die right now and that would mean you never got married... but be optimistic and see it as a certainty for yourself if that's what you want.

December 22, 2012

I wouldn't really care to have a group of multi sex friends. Much prefer a group of men. Also when I hang out multi sex its usually a couples type thing. Like the gf's are friends or the bf's are friends etc.

I think your attitude is a good one if you're ok being you. I think if you want things don't be afraid to go for them full force. Also you need passion in your life. Just don't have to make life about fitting in with a group of finding a wife. I think if you want a wife you should be able to find one. Obviously you could die right now and that would mean you never got married... but be optimistic and see it as a certainty for yourself if that's what you want.

night, are you a man or a woman?

I want both sex of friends, but honestly, I really desire female friends. I just connect with them better, always have. I'm admittedly not a very "manly" kind of guy. I like 1-on-1 outings with girls. That's where I often get in trouble with the friend zone and whatnot, but I do like talking about experiences, feelings, that sort of thing. With most men it's really just awkward talking about those things. Not a fan of big group hangouts too. much prefer smaller more intimate 4 person or 1 on 1 hangouts where the conversation can be really meaningful, instead of the 'fluff' that often gets thrown around when you're in a group of 8 or 16

December 23, 2012

Yup, in 2010 I took a personality quiz and came out as an 11% low-tier extrovert. However, after several rejections in the church scene and whatnot, I think my introvert side eventually over took me. And now that I started working 45-50 hour weeks... I just have no energy for people I don't really have a connection with.

Eventually, I would like to strike a better balance, but this being my first year, it's been a learning experience.

I do think it's normal to take some time to get used to a new schedule and work. And since you still have a few people close to you that you can call on if you really need, you should be fine. FWIW, I'm not a huge fan of big group gatherings either, hence my 'every 2-4 week' status with them. As long as you're genuinely happy with your life, just kick back and enjoy being you. It's only when you are unhappy that you need to pull up your sleeves and make a change.

December 23, 2012

night, are you a man or a woman?

I want both sex of friends, but honestly, I really desire female friends. I just connect with them better, always have. I'm admittedly not a very "manly" kind of guy. I like 1-on-1 outings with girls. That's where I often get in trouble with the friend zone and whatnot, but I do like talking about experiences, feelings, that sort of thing. With most men it's really just awkward talking about those things. Not a fan of big group hangouts too. much prefer smaller more intimate 4 person or 1 on 1 hangouts where the conversation can be really meaningful, instead of the 'fluff' that often gets thrown around when you're in a group of 8 or 16

I'm a man lol thus me hanging out with other men isn't multi sex.

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So I've reached sort of a conclusion about something in my life

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