SeattleBabe Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Today I told my LDR bf that I can't stand seeing him hanging out with different girls the he's meeting in different countries he's travelling for work. That I don't want him taking pictures with them then plastering them on his facebook profile. Like seriously, whose girlfriend can accept his guy hugging, touching and holding other chicks then letting the whole world see it by posting pictures? When I told him about how I feel, he told me, "They are just my friends and I never hooked up with any them. Most of them were with my friends. Now say what you want but you can't tell me how to live my life with my friends." I don't want to lose him but I don't think this is acceptable. Thoughts on this, please? Thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Now say what you want but you can't tell me how to live my life with my friends. This is a kind of sentence that would make me run fast. And not to him. And right away. AND FOR GOOD. By the way, did he make it clear on facebook that he's in a relationship with you? Do you write each other nice comments on being engaged or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeattleBabe Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 This is a kind of sentence that would make me run fast. And not to him. And right away. AND FOR GOOD. By the way, did he make it clear on facebook that he's in a relationship with you? Do you write each other nice comments on being engaged or something? I don't really post a lot about our relationship and never did I to my exes. That's just me. I'm not the kind who's commenting and liking stuff of my boyfriend though I know every friend I have in my list knows we're together. He said his friends were informed that he is with me but who knows? I just want him to stop doing it. I don't want him being friends with a lot of girls as I am not friends with a lot of boys. But I know all he is going to say is "sorry if I enjoy my life and I have a lot of friends" I don't know how to approach him with grace about this. I don't know what's the exact words and terms I have to use to knock some sense on him. I don't want to sound and come off as controlling and I really don't want to break things off with him but god, I don't think I will forever be sane if he stays this way forever. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 1. Making his FB status known publicly is how it's supposed to be when he's not hiding it. Unless he has a very good reason to hide it, this should make you suspicious anyway. The fact that he tells his friends about you privately has no value. 2. He's being disrespectful and rude, completely disregarding the fact that you're feeling uncomfortable with his behavior. He didn't offer a solution, it's just take it or leave it. 3. I'm not sure how he got to know these girls, were they virtual friends who turned into real friends and he visits on occasion? 4. Is he meeting these girls alone? That is, not among a group of people, rather like tete a tete? That's not appropriate after you let him know that you are not OK with it. 5. Given or depending on the above, see if there are the basics to continue a relationship with this guy. As he's being disrespectful, I don't see how you are so considerate not to hurt his feelings or trying to find a way to approach the matter without losing him... Link to post Share on other sites
Aquamelon Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 How long have you two been dating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeattleBabe Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 How long have you two been dating? We were dating on and off for about a year before we decided to get serious and have an exclusive relationship in July this year. On and off dating was due to him working overseas. We have been friends for a quite while beforehand though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeattleBabe Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 1. Making his FB status known publicly is how it's supposed to be when he's not hiding it. Unless he has a very good reason to hide it, this should make you suspicious anyway. The fact that he tells his friends about you privately has no value. 2. He's being disrespectful and rude, completely disregarding the fact that you're feeling uncomfortable with his behavior. He didn't offer a solution, it's just take it or leave it. 3. I'm not sure how he got to know these girls, were they virtual friends who turned into real friends and he visits on occasion? 4. Is he meeting these girls alone? That is, not among a group of people, rather like tete a tete? That's not appropriate after you let him know that you are not OK with it. 5. Given or depending on the above, see if there are the basics to continue a relationship with this guy. As he's being disrespectful, I don't see how you are so considerate not to hurt his feelings or trying to find a way to approach the matter without losing him... He told me that most of those girls he was in the pictures with were with his friends. Now that has raised more red flags to me. What kind of men would be happy to see your girlfriends hanging out with your guy friend, right? And when I asked him that, he didn't directly answered my question but said repeatedly that he's never hooked up with any of those girls and never will. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 You didn't answer questions #1, 3, & 4. But you surely know the answers. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 This guy is either intentionally trying to push your buttons, or inconsiderate and uncaring of your feelings. Either way it's not a very good indication. The whole courtship thing is a dance of sorts, and he seems to be playing it that way. He's making sure you know he has options and opportunities. He he wants you to chase and prefers that you feel a bit insecure about the whole situation. If you do chase then he's in control of the relationship and you're, well, posting to try and figure out why you're feeling so insecure about it all. Since he has flat out rejected your suggestion to tone it down, I think you're only choices are to acquiesce or play his little game better than he does. Become a bit less available and let him know in subtle ways that you have some pretty attractive options at the ready as well. I know this all sounds a bit adolescent but... personally I'd probably just start backing out, realizing that this is not the kind of person I'd want to be with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 I think its unacceptable and wouldn't blame you one bit for dumping him. There is NO reason for him to be flaunting pictures with other women like that. To me it shows that he doesn't care how you feel. Whether its his maturity level or just plain not giving a damn, we don't know that based on this post and because we don't know him personally......BUT whatever the case may be, one thing is for sure - he's not ready for an adult relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 If they are only platonic friends, why not introduce yourself to them? Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Eventually he'll stick it in one of these girls sooner or later...if he hasn't already, and yes he's parading these women on FB and you are just simply taking it. But guess what? there's about nothing you can do, because in the end he's going to do what he wants because that's what people do...and If he's a cheater, then you'll never know any different or better anyway, in fact the more you rage or become upset he'll just keep it underground. You're fighting a losing battle SeattleBabe, he isn't putting your relationship first and is clearly disrespecting you...any fool of a man realizes that, but guess what he doesn't care...so go ahead cry about it some more and try to "save" this relationship because you don't want to "lose him", you'll lose him either way in the end if that's the decision he makes, so why fight? you can't change the way anyone else feels, no matter how much you "love" the person...sorry, doesn't work that way! So just take it, or walk away...the choice is yours. Personally I'd recommend the second before he gives you a reason that gives you no choice to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Axee Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 In another thread I saw an exact similar situation where the guy in question was called being controlling by his girl friend because he raised similar issues. And many people on the forum were saying that the guy is in deed being controlling while the guy was crying hoarse that he was only demanding respect. Coming to the issue at hand. But let us all not blindly ask her to leave him. See, dont you trust this guy? Is something bothering you.. His answer sounded frank to me.. How is behaviour other wise? Is he caring and respectful of you outside this situation... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 I have to disagree with everyone. Some people just have alot of friends and are happy to be physically close to them in a platonic way. my partner and I have been/are long distance, and he is moving here from the other side of the world soon. Yay! He has lot's of female friends and sometimes posts pics on FB.. I have lot's of male friends and i do the same.. and people do alot more picture posting when traveling of course. You meet people all the time and have fun adventures with them, so you want to share them. The core issue is that you don't trust him. If you did, these photos wouldn't bother you and you would believe him when he says they are just friends. If you are in an exclusive relationship, then you have to trust him. The problem with the photos is yours, I'm afraid, and maybe you are more suited to someone less free-spirited and social than your current boyfriend. If you were someone that has a mixed group of friends and are out meeting new people too, then a relationship with someone who did the same wouldn't make you paranoid. Link to post Share on other sites
Axee Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I have to disagree with everyone. The core issue is that you don't trust him. If you did, these photos wouldn't bother you and you would believe him when he says they are just friends. If you are in an exclusive relationship, then you have to trust him. The problem with the photos is yours, I'm afraid, and maybe you are more suited to someone less free-spirited and social than your current boyfriend. If you were someone that has a mixed group of friends and are out meeting new people too, then a relationship with someone who did the same wouldn't make you paranoid. ^^^^ Spot on Link to post Share on other sites
Mina Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I have to disagree with everyone. Some people just have alot of friends and are happy to be physically close to them in a platonic way. my partner and I have been/are long distance, and he is moving here from the other side of the world soon. Yay! He has lot's of female friends and sometimes posts pics on FB.. I have lot's of male friends and i do the same.. and people do alot more picture posting when traveling of course. You meet people all the time and have fun adventures with them, so you want to share them. The core issue is that you don't trust him. If you did, these photos wouldn't bother you and you would believe him when he says they are just friends. If you are in an exclusive relationship, then you have to trust him. The problem with the photos is yours, I'm afraid, and maybe you are more suited to someone less free-spirited and social than your current boyfriend. If you were someone that has a mixed group of friends and are out meeting new people too, then a relationship with someone who did the same wouldn't make you paranoid. I agree here. Having friends of the opposite sex is fine. Unless one of the girls is an ex, there shouldn't be a problem. I had several platonic female friends when I was with my ex, and she had several male platonic friends. There isn't a point to getting upset about it. In another thread I saw an exact similar situation where the guy in question was called being controlling by his girl friend because he raised similar issues. And many people on the forum were saying that the guy is in deed being controlling while the guy was crying hoarse that he was only demanding respect. Coming to the issue at hand. But let us all not blindly ask her to leave him. See, don't you trust this guy? Is something bothering you.. His answer sounded frank to me.. How is behavior other wise? Is he caring and respectful of you outside this situation... I feeling that if the situation was reversed and he was complaining about her being with guy friends, it would be the same thing: "He's being controlling." Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 (edited) Friends doesn't exclude "friends with benefits." I can assure you that he is FWB with them. His response to you is utterly disrespectful and unacceptable, and goes to show that he does not care about you and your feelings and needs. My ex was like this, and any time I mentioned anything about his behaviour or something that made me uncomfortable, he'd tell me it was none of my business. A guy who really was doing nothing wrong , and cared about you would've approached this differently: he'd tell you "baby, trust me ok? can you trust me? I am not doing anything inappropriate with these women, and if you'd like, you can come with me while I'm traveling for work, and meet them." Or something along those lines. Everyone is insecure to a certain degree, and there is nothing wrong with that, it's how you respond to your partner's concerns that really says a lot about you and your intentions vis-a-vis those women. In the end, it turned out that my ex had been using me as a FWB as well, under the guise of a relationship that never existed. He also traveled a lot for work, and once he found out he wasn't going to be sent to my country for some time to come, he dumped me. He even kept complaining, when he was in Turkey, that there were no women in bars that he could meet/talk to... The thing is, he was never very social/sociable/extroverted, so the fact that he was looking for people to talk to, and in particular WOMEN, rather than ANYONE, was a red flag. Edited December 28, 2012 by NoMoreJerks Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 If you are in an exclusive relationship, then you have to trust him. The problem with the photos is yours, I'm afraid, and maybe you are more suited to someone less free-spirited and social than your current boyfriend. If you were someone that has a mixed group of friends and are out meeting new people too, then a relationship with someone who did the same wouldn't make you paranoid. Trusting someone doesn't mean being stupid and puting the blinders on. You can't trust someone who doesn't inspire trust, regardless of whether or not you have both utterd the words "we're exclusive now." Life just doesn't work that way, I'm afraid. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Axee Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Question is Is he not inspiring trust JUST by FB photos or anything else which is making her feel insecure.. If its just photos, then I think its just as million pointed out. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 (edited) Question is Is he not inspiring trust JUST by FB photos or anything else which is making her feel insecure.. If its just photos, then I think its just as million pointed out. His reaction to her does not inspire trust. His resposne was sort of like telling someone "it's none of your business." It IS your partner's business what you are doing and who you are hanging out with and befriending... At least in a healthy relationship, it's supposed to be something you talk about and share, and compromise on. At the very least, it's not something that is none of the OP's business. I mean, this guy implied that he doesn't mind breaking up with her just to keep hanging out with some women during his travels (how can a woman be a "friend" if you're just popping in and out of the country every now and then?)... No guy who has respect for his partner would have that sort of attitude. I'm not saying he should give in to the OP's demand, but at the very least not respond to it with that sort of attitude. It reeks of immaturity and disrespect IMO. Edited December 28, 2012 by NoMoreJerks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mina Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Friends doesn't exclude "friends with benefits." I can assure you that he is FWB with them. His response to you is utterly disrespectful and unacceptable, and goes to show that he does not care about you and your feelings and needs. My ex was like this, and any time I mentioned anything about his behaviour or something that made me uncomfortable, he'd tell me it was none of my business. A guy who really was doing nothing wrong , and cared about you would've approached this differently: he'd tell you "baby, trust me ok? can you trust me? I am not doing anything inappropriate with these women, and if you'd like, you can come with me while I'm traveling for work, and meet them." Or something along those lines. Everyone is insecure to a certain degree, and there is nothing wrong with that, it's how you respond to your partner's concerns that really says a lot about you and your intentions vis-a-vis those women. In the end, it turned out that my ex had been using me as a FWB as well, under the guise of a relationship that never existed. He also traveled a lot for work, and once he found out he wasn't going to be sent to my country for some time to come, he dumped me. He even kept complaining, when he was in Turkey, that there were no women in bars that he could meet/talk to... The thing is, he was never very social/sociable/extroverted, so the fact that he was looking for people to talk to, and in particular WOMEN, rather than ANYONE, was a red flag. Note how everything underlined is what can be possibly directed at her boyfriend, and the bold is everything that is about your ex. You're taking one bad experience with an ex and projecting it into the current situation. AGAIN. Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Trusting someone doesn't mean being stupid and puting the blinders on. You can't trust someone who doesn't inspire trust, regardless of whether or not you have both utterd the words "we're exclusive now." Life just doesn't work that way, I'm afraid. Right. And at the moment, he's sending a clear message to her that her feelings don't matter. I wouldn't trust him at all. And my feeling would be the same with genders reversed, no question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mina Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Right. And at the moment, he's sending a clear message to her that her feelings don't matter. I wouldn't trust him at all. And my feeling would be the same with genders reversed, no question. He's stated that he's not doing anything with them, and the pictures are them together in a group. He not saying that he doesn't care, he's simply stating that she isn't one to dictate whom he can be friends with. Link to post Share on other sites
naviis Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I don't get what the big deal is either. If my bf came to me all pissed off over some FB pictures, I'd probably close off as well. Also, if he was sleeping with any of them he'd be damn stupid to post pictures of him with them on FB for you to see. Link to post Share on other sites
Axee Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Note how everything underlined is what can be possibly directed at her boyfriend, and the bold is everything that is about your ex. You're taking one bad experience with an ex and projecting it into the current situation. AGAIN. Yes, I second this with Mina NoMoreJerks , not everything and everyone can be painted in the same brush, You personally had a bad experience so how can you even say "I assure you he is FWB with them " .. Do you even how serious that allegation is .. In your new relationship also you risk taking this cynical reaction, common take note of this attitude of yours dear Link to post Share on other sites
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