turnera Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I also suggest writing your dad a letter, saying how you feel. See how that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lil Lady Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 Okay, well today "stuff" hit the fan. I did the obligatory Sunday dinner with the family. My grandmother, my aunt and uncle, and my dad was there. My mom comes occasionally...but not all the time because of work. My dad asked me to come up to their house this evening, and I just told him no, I have stuff that I needed to do today, which was not a lie. Throughout the week, I'm a bit of a slacker after working so I save my cleaning for the weekends. I said I would try to come tomorrow, but they have a funeral to go to, so I said, okay I'll come Tuesday. He said why not tonight, and I told him again because I had things to do... I come home, start cleaning and I get a phone call from my mom. At first she was pleasant asking how I was, blah blah blah, then she said why don't you come out tonight since your not doing anything for the superbowl. I said, well I have things to do today. She told me that I need to do them during the week, and then got hostile pretty much, saying that family doesn't mean sh*t to anyone anymore, and that I've made my choice. If I want to be with "him" then that's my choice. She told me that she was taking me out of their will, deleting me from her fb account as a friend. She said that I was dead to her now... Okay...so we went to lunch on Wednesday this last week, and everything was pretty much okay...she cried but she's been doing that a lot lately with me and I know that she's upset with my relationship, but it's not her choice. Anyways...I digressed...she told me that if I wanted to talk to them I could call them...that now she's not going to call me ever again, she also told me that if I came to the house, not to bother, because she wouldn't answer the door for me. She said I can find someone else to spend money on...(the last thing she bought me was a lunch, which i offered to pay for). She said it had been 7 weeks since I last went up to their house, which was false, because I went to their house after the new year. then the next weekend I went out with my dad shopping, and again like I said, to lunch just last week with my mom. Anyways...I've hit the top of my limit. I will not call them. I will not answer the door for them if they decide to just show up because I'm not letting them into my house. The only time they want to come to my house is to have a "talk" about how I'm neglecting them. They don't want to come here because of my boyfriend. So basically today, I have lost my family. I know that my mom will tell all of her sisters, and I am now the black sheep of the family. They haven't said much about me coming up there the past few weeks, but just today she decides to blow up on me. Fine...I'm done with it. I hate the thought of losing my parents, but it's their choice....not mine. I wish it would have worked out differently for me and my parents. Thank you all for your support and your wisdom. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 You haven't lost your family. You've lost your OLD RELATIONSHIP with your parents. Now, whenever you DO get back in touch with them, it will be as a REAL, LIVE ADULT. Good for you. I am really proud of you. It's harder to do it with parents who try to control you through guilt, but know that you CAN have a good relationship with them, one that's based on YOUR equal status, ok? It may not happen overnight. But stay determined not to bow down to them, ok? Because once you do start talking again, it will be a better relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lil Lady Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 Ha! I only thought it was over. This morning I wake up to two messages from my dad on my FB account, and one message from my mom that wasn't very pleasant, and an email to my work email that wasn't very pleasant. The messages from my dad are not really bad at all. One is a message that is a picture that says a daughter may outgrow your lap, but never your heart, and another one about family, different branches, and one root. So my moms messages are way different. I don't want to paste the whole messages here, but here is the jist of them. "I understand you have your own life to live and what hurts me the most is that you are completely shutting me and your dad out of it." "You are way too better to be around people like that and I worry myself sick over it. Some day I will wake up and you will be dead!!! This is a vision I have and yeah I know we all are going to die but you will die a horrible death so for gods sake be careful" (Some of our friends...not all used to do drugs in the past, but not now, just to clarify what she is talking about.) "You are not a "bad" person but you are not the woman I thought we brought up with highest respect for herself." (which is funny, from the mom that always told me my ears were too big, my forehead to high, my neck too long) "Your dad and I will just make due with what we get seeing you for 30 minutes on Sunday. That is more than some parent's get. I just thought we were closer to that (oh wait we were at one time till this thing with him has driven us apart) or should I say wants us apart because he knows if you come up here we will fill your head of bad things about him" Oh holy crap...I just got another message from my mother on a post on my wall. She said you can delete me from FB too like your little moocher. If he can't take the heat he needs to get out of the kitchen. This was on my FB wall...where his family can see it. I know that I need to respond to my parents, and my dad would be easier, but my mom makes things so difficult. She says such hurtful things like... "I also thought if you were pregnant by him and decided it was not what you wanted and found someone you loved again and got pregnant with him we would probably love them both but not in the same way. The first child would be because he will be the pitiful one because of a dad that will not pay his child support showing his child that he is there to support him in any way possible and show him love" I just don't know what exactly to do...maybe nothing? But I know that eventually they will come to my house to try and have that "talk" again...it's not happening. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 You know what to do with this blatant attempt at manipulation/guilt trip (since you finally stood up to her) - NOTHING. I know it's hard. But PROMISE yourself you will not respond for an entire week. Not until next Sunday. Let them see you as a grownup, ok? And just because someone knocks on your door, you don't have to open it. Same thing with phone calls. When you finally DO talk to her, it will be because YOU want to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lil Lady Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 well, I wish I had seen this message sooner. My mom sent another message saying that if I didn't want to respond to her messages then she was just going to come down here. I sent her a note explaining that I was actually working this morning and trying to decide how to respond. She used the excuse of her temper and so I told her that that's fine...but it doesn't take the sting out of her words. I also told her that she is going way overboard with her comments and that it needs to stop. Then she decided to call me. She was crying, and she said are you crying too? I told her no...because I'm not. I'm passed the point of crying. I cried too much yesterday. I'm pretty much done with it. She again tried to explain that she was sorry, but...it's the temper. I've always heard that any sentence that contains "but", kind of excludes the previous statement. I'm sorry, but it's the temper. Basically taking out the I'm sorry. So I told her that she's not the only one with a temper, I have it as well, I just respect her enough not to blow up on her. Then she told me that she just wishes that she was dead, family doesn't mean anything to anyone anymore. I told her not to wish that...and it's not that family doesn't mean anything anymore...it's just that I'm trying to live my own life. It's hard to manage my time between trying to keep myself and my boyfriend happy as well as them. So I'm doing the best that I can. She said that she understands that i can't be at their house everyday or even every week, (but) it's like family doesn't mean anything. I told her no...that's not it at all. It's just the way of life. The parents raise us and give us the tools to become the people that we become and then we make our own life. She said that she knows but it's breaking her heart. She said that she did it to her mother, and now that she's passed away (it's been over 20 years) she realizes how much she should have been there with her mother. You can't get back lost time. I agree with that statement completely!! So why am I wasting my time trying to please everyone around me! Like i said...I wish I had seen this message beforehand, or I wouldn't have answered her messages, phone calls, or the door if she had shown up. One day I'll get this stuff right. ~sad smiles~ Thank you again Turnera. You are a great help to me in keeping me sane and not "falling off the wagon" and just running up to see my parents to get them to quiet down. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 meh, it's all a learning curve, our whole lives, you know? You'll get there. Every day is a learning experience. At least YOU are learning and improving. And truth is, if YOU are, she is, too, by experiencing your growth. Link to post Share on other sites
flavor86 Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 i know were your comming from my mother is very controlling and wants things her way its very difficult i have stopped talking to her at this point its just to much Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 Why does it take so long for a divorce to finalize? I know people who have done worse and their parents still stick by them no matter what. Famous example Chris Brown Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lil Lady Posted February 9, 2013 Author Share Posted February 9, 2013 The main reason why it is taking so long for them to have it finalized is that they have a child together. Another reason was because they hadn't started the divorce until recently. His ex was being a pain, she likes to take care of things when she deems it necessary. She kept putting it off and putting it off, because she wouldn't save money to help pay for it. I am not sure what to do with my parents...my mom mostly. Like I posted previously she just blew up last Sunday, but then called a few days later and acted like nothing was wrong. Then she stopped by my house with my aunt to say hello, and again...acted like nothing was wrong. She doesn't realize that everytime she blows up on me, it ends up pushing me farther and farther away from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lil Lady Posted February 20, 2013 Author Share Posted February 20, 2013 A quick update. After the last fight with my mom, things have been going so much more smoothly. I believe that they now understand how I feel when they try to make it seem as though they are trying to run my life. On a side note, I understand where my parents were coming from. I am increasingly tired of the BS from my boyfriend. In process of trying to figure out how to get out of this relationship without feeling guilty...and not because of my parents. But I have realized how toxic this relationship has been. I've been living with blinders on, but apparently after a hard jump they have fallen off. I have been used and more than likely abused, (not physically) so I know it's time to get out while I can. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 "Boyfriend, this isn't working for me. I have to end our relationship. I wish you well." Link to post Share on other sites
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