I am Adam Lanza's Mother

[CarrieT]

This was the title of the article in the Huffington Post and it was the one that has hit home for me - and made me question where I am headed...

 

For those of you who don't know, a year ago October I began a relationship with a guy and even then, I thought he could be the one I grow old with; Prince Charming, as it were... (I've been around long enough to no longer believe in "the one.")

 

However, what I have not discussed much here is the fact that he has three children - B11, G14, B15 - and I have essentially spent the last several months turning my life upside down to be with him: have a new job and am in the process of moving so we can build a family together.

 

The problem is that the oldest boy is like the one written about in the Huffington article. He is autistic on the spectrum that after last week's shooting, has me in full anxiety mode. This 15-year old boy has severe melt-downs and often talks about "going back to his father, Satan" and wanting to kill himself. He is heavily medicated and his mother and father's relationship is contentious to the extent that the boy's medication is regulated by a third-party doctor who is communicated with via the parents' lawyers. Essentially, my BF and his Ex have very divisive parental rights that have been negotiated through and enforced via the courts and lawyers - they barely communicate at all.

 

How this stands now is that until recently, my BF had 50% custody of all three children, but a severe meltdown by the autistic one has had him back at his mother's with only Sunday visits with his Dad. I like this arrangement. But this is a very fluid arrangement and the potential for change could occur at any time.

 

I get along great with the other two kids and the plan was/is for me to move in with the entire family shortly after the holidays - or for us to get a whole new home.

 

Like the HuffPost article - and like much of the dialogue currently in the country - this is more than a gun issue (there are none in either household), but a mental health issue. This boy is like thousands of others with the same affliction. He may be fine and there might never be a problem. Or he might pull a knife from the kitchen and go after his family members.

 

The easy thing would be to walk away. But that is not so easy. As many know, I've been involved with lots of guys in my varied life and I am well-vested in the move process of building a life with this man. I am also now scared of his son...

 

My BF and I haven't begun the discussion yet on this. I was away from him over the weekend and just saw the article early this morning. We have a lot to talk about but I will appreciate others' insights and thoughts. It might involve me just moving into my own place and not with him - but for how long and for what reason? If we are going to be together, I don't want it to be as BF/GF but husband/wife and family.

 

I'm quite overwhelmed at the moment...

[BetheButterfly]

That breaks my heart Carrie

 

One thing i don't understand is the violence in their hearts.

 

Two people I know are autistic and they are not violent people at all. They have never mentioned hurting/killing anyone, and never mentioned satan at all.

 

I wonder if many who have reacted with violence see that violence played out, either on TV or in real life, and copy it or want to copy it when angry?

 

What do you think?

[CarrieT]

It is a really good question. David (my BF's autistic son) doesn't watch much television; it doesn't interest him at all.

 

He reads incessantly though and is well-versed in matters political, philosophical, mathematical, etc.

 

I have been having a lot of texting convos with my BF about the issue. He is a little disappointed that I don't have enough faith in him to protect me and his whole family. It isn't a lack of faith, I explain. David is just barely 15 years old (actually a few months shy) and is almost 180 pounds. There is a point where he can't be physically man-handled if he has a melt-down.

 

So far, there has been no verbiage of hurting others, just a dimentia that goes beyond the rationale: he needs to be at school at 12:10 a.m. for a test; he is Satan's son and should return to hell; that certain socks will cause his feet to burn up... And yet, if you ask him to explain a complex mathematical equation, he will do so backwards. He can hear a song and play it on the piano for memory.

 

The problem is there are THOUSANDS of boys like this (for some reason, this is mostly a male issue). And thousands of these boys will not become Adam Lantz. And, as my BF pointed out, there is no link between Aspergers and violence (as attested to in this article).

 

It has just given me an irrational fear that I am unsure how to deal with...

[KathyM]

I think you have a valid concern. When you take on a relationship with a man who has kids, you take on a relationship with his kids as well. It sounds like you would be taking on a lot to have this 15 year old living with you, and in all likelihood, he would be living with you and your bf at least part of the time eventually. I'm wondering if this kid has something more than just Autism. Sounds bizzare to me. At the very least, you should hold off on moving in with this guy, and give a lot more thought into whether you are up for handling these kids.

[Mina]

I apologize if this post comes across a bit disheveled in structure, as much of what I have to say ties heavily into personal experience and it has been hard to put form into this topic when all of what I have to say seems to loop back into all of my other points. I will try my best to make this understandable.

Carrie, from what you posted here, every path that may be taken, every possible outcome, will be hard to choose. There is no solution that will not harm someone emotionally.

 

I fully understand where you are in this. I myself imagine I most likely put my parents through some of the fears and emotions that you are feeling. I was a problematic child. Violent and emotional outbreaks in school, my sister and I constantly fought in vicious cycles. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was fairly young and medicated over the course of 7 years, with no noticeable effect. In all I went through about 34 different medications from the time in kindergarten up until I was in 7th grade. The only noticeable reaction to those medications was a heavy suppression of apatite leading to near anorexic weight levels (I was 13, 5'8", and weighed 72 pounds). Along with the medication, I saw over the course of those years several psychiatric doctors/therapists/whatever. To be honest, they didn't help much and I don't remember much of them. In the end though, as I aged, things settled. Even though I still had issues, I made efforts to control myself, and to hide my more destructive tendencies. In the end when about 2 years or so ago when the dam burst and I learned what it was I dealt with, and how to keep myself in a controlled state. It still can be a day to day struggle at times, and there are times where slip up happen.

With that being said, there was always one constant that always kept me in check to a certain point. My father as a dominant authority figure. I would call it fear for lack of a better term, because there was that fear of repercussion and consequences, but more so in the sense to that of a dominant dog in a pack. He was in charge, and doing something against that would cause punishment.

 

But enough about my issues. I apologize if I've rambled a bit, I felt the need to go into things in an attempt to give a little credence to any advise I may give.

 

As to your BF's son, he's going through a vast amount of things. First off is his age. While I am not dismissing any of the problems, he is at the age where there are so many things going on in him. Putting it as "he is finding himself" is far to basic. I really can't describe the feeling nor put it into language. It just is. The only way I can touch upon the idea is him as a person is still malleable. That along with his issues tend to create very peculiar behavior, as it did with me.

 

That being said, I feel that one of the best for him is to be in a position where things are somewhat consistent and structured with a central authority figure. The fluctuating state of custody, the lack of a central, consistent authority, will play a part with a normal kid's behavior. With someone like your BF's son, it will wreak havoc. I know I'm not a medical professional, but I'm pretty sure many of them would agree with me.

 

That leads to another issue. He most likely needs to be seeing a medical professional beyond just getting medication, if he already isn't seeing one. Again the fighting between his parents and the fact that lawyers are helping to dictate/communicate is a massive problem.

 

It may come down to where he will need to be in the sole custody of only one of the parents.

[CarrieT]

I'm wondering if this kid has something more than just Autism.

We know that his level of disability is more than autism, yet. Both the kids parents hold multiple PhDs and are doctors themselves. I just don't remember all the things that have been diagnosed...

 

That being said, I feel that one of the best for him is to be in a position where things are somewhat consistent and structured with a central authority figure. The fluctuating state of custody, the lack of a central, consistent authority, will play a part with a normal kid's behavior. With someone like your BF's son, it will wreak havoc. I know I'm not a medical professional, but I'm pretty sure many of them would agree with me.

I really appreciate your thoughts, Mina. Yes - it has mostly been decided that the boy will live with his mother most of the time and just visit his father. This is a recent development (within the past six weeks or so). Up until this time, he went back-and-forth between the two homes every other week. Now his father only sees him on Sunday afternoons.

 

That leads to another issue. He most likely needs to be seeing a medical professional beyond just getting medication, if he already isn't seeing one. Again the fighting between his parents and the fact that lawyers are helping to dictate/communicate is a massive problem.

He does see more than one medical professional; there is a whole team that has been evaluating him since his third birthday. It is the fighting between the parents (most of which is done out of site of the kids) that makes for inconsistent treatment. The professionals and the boy's father believe the boy should have far more meds and less "reward" treats (sometimes three and four hamburgers a day), but his mother - who is also a doctor - doesn't agree and since she is the one with 90% custody right now, the boy's behaviour is being dictated by her.

 

Honestly, I think my BF wants his Ex to have sole custody with visitation, but she has even been fighting what limited custody he is asking for.

 

I suppose my fear is that - as often happens with children who are kept from one parent - the boy will want to be with his Dad if he finds living with his mother untenable. At that point, I expect to be fully ensconced within the house and the boy will be growing out of puberty and into full adulthood. But he will never be capable of living on his own and is going to require a home or caretaker of some sort. It is all these fears....

[ThaWholigan]

I went to an employment class for autistic people where I met many other people of varying ages with autism/aspergers etc. Not a hint of violence in any of them - some were really quite sweet in fact.

 

The meltdowns are a real problem - but they are experienced differently in different autistic people. My meltdowns are significantly different. A couple have been violent, but I've been conscious enough that anything that I've hit is inanimate and not alive (that means a couple of doors and a wall in my room have a few holes in them). Most of the time, mine have been mild as much as they are harmless. Loud, incoherent arguments or simply being completely alone and away from everyone is pretty much it.

 

The thing that kept me most sane was continuity. Not much changed. This wasn't necessarily good or bad, but I had a loose structure that I was able to freely move around in without much chaos. I'm not like other autistic people - I am very unstructured and disorganized if left to my own devices. But I always keep an even keel in terms of temper because my interest in emotional development is high.

 

I think that the environment of an autistic person is extremely key to their progression into adulthood. My environment was not tailored to me and was unforgiving so I was forced to adapt. Not every autistic youngster will be able to do that unfortunately so it's definitely more important. The next is in figuring out their patterns and how to respond to them. That's equally as important. If they respond to you talking to them in a certain way about things they need to do or be able to incorporate then do that.

 

I would say the easiest way to get me to do something is to guilt-trip me, unfortunately. I do not like to see people upset so I alleviate that - even if it pisses me off.

 

The information for help and other ways to do so is out there for people to look for. That's key in figuring out how to deal.

[Mina]

Honestly, I think my BF wants his Ex to have sole custody with visitation, but she has even been fighting what limited custody he is asking for.

 

I suppose my fear is that - as often happens with children who are kept from one parent - the boy will want to be with his Dad if he finds living with his mother untenable. At that point, I expect to be fully ensconced within the house and the boy will be growing out of puberty and into full adulthood. But he will never be capable of living on his own and is going to require a home or caretaker of some sort. It is all these fears....

 

Well that's a step in the right direction with a sole custody. It's a shame that she is being so obtuse about visitations.

I understand not wanting to become a part time caretaker as well. My family has been dealing with that with my grandmother as of late. Think short, old, stubborn, always on her high horse, Irish Catholic woman who can never be wrong with onset dementia. Since he isn't functioning well enough to be able to live without a caretaker, and the fact of his size, he will most likely need to be placed in a care center/home. Because he can't easily be controlled by a single person in the event of a melt down, a facility with multiple personnel becomes a necessity.

[gaius]

The thing that kept me most sane was continuity. Not much changed. This wasn't necessarily good or bad, but I had a loose structure that I was able to freely move around in without much chaos. I'm not like other autistic people - I am very unstructured and disorganized if left to my own devices. But I always keep an even keel in terms of temper because my interest in emotional development is high.

I know a kid who is pretty severely autistic and he's always ranting about rules and how different people have different rules. It seems to be a major source of stress in his life. He also frequently makes threats about killing or stabbing. His parents are also divorced like the kid you're dealing with Carrie, so he has a lot of different sets of rules to figure out. His moms, his dads, his mentors, and his school teachers. Sometimes even a bunch of different ones in school when dealing with different teachers. Plus his parents are often more interested in fighting with each other than taking care of the kid. So by following one parents rules he's usually disappointing the other.

 

Perhaps autistic children (Wholigan and other mild cases not included) are just over-sensitive to stuff like that, so they can't really handle change like other kids can. End up expressing that anger and frustration in ways considered socially unacceptable, I'll stab you!, without realizing exactly how seriously other people interpret it since they don't respond to social cues normally. I haven't heard of many autistic children actually following through with their threats, so I really don't think you or the woman who wrote the article have much to worry about. I know the kid I deal with isn't physically violent besides his threats. He used to hit me but once he started getting hit back he stopped. Which is a normal thing I've seen in male children that don't have autism.

[Zed]

I went to an employment class for autistic people where I met many other people of varying ages with autism/aspergers etc. Not a hint of violence in any of them - some were really quite sweet in fact.

 

The meltdowns are a real problem - but they are experienced differently in different autistic people. My meltdowns are significantly different. A couple have been violent, but I've been conscious enough that anything that I've hit is inanimate and not alive (that means a couple of doors and a wall in my room have a few holes in them). Most of the time, mine have been mild as much as they are harmless. Loud, incoherent arguments or simply being completely alone and away from everyone is pretty much it.

 

The thing that kept me most sane was continuity. Not much changed. This wasn't necessarily good or bad, but I had a loose structure that I was able to freely move around in without much chaos. I'm not like other autistic people - I am very unstructured and disorganized if left to my own devices. But I always keep an even keel in terms of temper because my interest in emotional development is high.

 

I think that the environment of an autistic person is extremely key to their progression into adulthood. My environment was not tailored to me and was unforgiving so I was forced to adapt. Not every autistic youngster will be able to do that unfortunately so it's definitely more important. The next is in figuring out their patterns and how to respond to them. That's equally as important. If they respond to you talking to them in a certain way about things they need to do or be able to incorporate then do that.

 

I would say the easiest way to get me to do something is to guilt-trip me, unfortunately. I do not like to see people upset so I alleviate that - even if it pisses me off.

 

The information for help and other ways to do so is out there for people to look for. That's key in figuring out how to deal.

 

This is interesting--you appear to have some measure of empathy, which is a key characteristic of autism-- the lack of empathy. I have worked with autistic children, and none have really presented as very emotionally aware, empathetic, or genuinely interested in others. They can mimic well, especially if they are very intelligent (usually high IQ and all), but genuine feeling outside of themselves is just not there. It seems you are very unusual if your diagnosis is correct.

 

***Carrie--does the boy have any ability to empathize with others? If his treatment is being dictated by another parent, how will you be able to navigate this relationship? Autistic individuals are who extremely intelligent, but behave erratically have unpredictable potentials that both parents have to address especially if he is given to physical explosive outbursts.

[CarrieT]

***Carrie--does the boy have any ability to empathize with others? If his treatment is being dictated by another parent, how will you be able to navigate this relationship? Autistic individuals are who extremely intelligent, but behave erratically have unpredictable potentials that both parents have to address especially if he is given to physical explosive outbursts.

I would like to think he can empathize, but I believe it is short-lived. He can be explained things but it is a constant process of reiterating to have it stick so I don't believe there is enough rational thought for him to remember a lot of the social graces that are being taught. But as soon as it is mentioned, he will try to comply.

 

I was able to talk to my BF about this last night because this particular news story is getting a lot of press and backlash. In David's case, he will never be left alone so it is unlikely he will ever be able to engage in activity that could cause him or others harm. My BF knows I am uncomfortable being alone with the boy and that will never happen.

 

I am fine with him in groups and David's sister - who is just turning 14 - is the glue that holds them all together. When David is having a melt-down, this young girl can step in and help like no one else in the family can.

 

Even though we all went on a family vacation together last year, my BF indicated he doesn't think that will ever happen again - we won't try and travel with him again as it is just too disruptive to put him in places outside of his comfort zone.

 

I am a lot more comforted about moving forward in the relationship with these assurances, but know it is still a long process...

[yessy21]

you need to take this concern into the hands of his father. write it down talk about the similarities and discuss any help that you can try to get him.

[ThaWholigan]

This is interesting--you appear to have some measure of empathy, which is a key characteristic of autism-- the lack of empathy. I have worked with autistic children, and none have really presented as very emotionally aware, empathetic, or genuinely interested in others. They can mimic well, especially if they are very intelligent (usually high IQ and all), but genuine feeling outside of themselves is just not there. It seems you are very unusual if your diagnosis is correct.

 

Yeah, I've had that conversation with other autistic people often - the subject of empathy. Of the more higher functioning ones, they all believe the lack of empathy theory to be false, and that it is simply an extreme level of emotional immaturity rather than having no capacity for emotional awareness. I would imagine that there are many autistic people who do lack empathy, but there are likely as many who don't, and simply have great problems with expression - a problem I know all too well.

 

Nonetheless, I've often been told my diagnosis is unusual for someone of my character - having been statemented at 5 years old, and two subsequent diagnosis of both High Functioning Autism and Asperger's Syndrome (Severe Dyspraxia also), it's not in any doubt to me or my family. However, I accept that I probably lie so far on the higher functioning end of the spectrum, that the vast majority of the problems I had growing up and still have, are very easily manageable now.

 

Emotional development is and was still a little painful .