What do i say to her

[Bonz]

hi againalI

i posted about two months ago in the long distance relationship forum and now i have come for advice on what to do about another situation.After some careful consideration and thought i have come down to oklahoma and am with the woman i spoke of in the other post,i have been here for about three weeks now,and want to stay here,the problem i have is,i have a 11 year old daughter in canada that lives with my first wife who died parents,they have always wanted to control of the situation and have it now,have had for five years,we have joint custody and i see her about once or twice a week for an hour at a time,The grandparents make it very difficult for me to be involved in her life as far as school or her medical goes,anythings thats prevalent,they dont tell me about as far as interviews with teachers,they only allow me to go when theres a play,i have asked the school to send me seperate report cards or to have my own interviews so i can be involved but they dont seem to want to to help,

 

At any rate this isnt the reason for the post,im not a drug addict and i dont drink,im not an alcoholic or anything,im not a criminal either,the grandparents were really hurt whn thier daughter died and they clung on to my little one for dear life,and are way to protective and over bearing.I grow so frustrated with the situation there and now i need to tel my daughter i wont be back to canda for a while,andi want to do this so i dont break her heart and leave her thinking that i dont love her,i dont know what to say to her,how do i tell her this without tearing her apart,there must be a way that she would understand.......i dont want ther to think i have abandoned her,the rest of my family thinks this way,and havent been supportive at all,i told them i if i was dissapearing they would not have gotten any phone numbers or addresses from me much less an explantion.I can make a whole lot of money here running a detail shop,something that couldnt be done there,because the market is flooded with them already,so this is one of the main reasons,i cant ever give muchg to them to help support her,and here i can i have lots of work to do already,its tearing me apart to try to think of how i can explain it to her,i have already sent her a letter and a card and plan on doing this every week until i return,she has instant messenger so i want to tell her i will talk to her on there three times a week if she wants....'

 

any advice would be great,and please dont slam me,ive had enough of that already

[uriel]

The problem you are going to have in explaining the move to your daughter is getting around the fact that she isn't your top life priority. Of course, part of the reason you are moving is to establish a more successful business so that you can better provide for her. You can tell her that.

 

But she'll also know that your main reason for moving is to explore a relationship with a woman. At some level, she won't be able to help but think that you love and want that woman more than her. You can tell her that's not the case, trying to help her distinguish between your adult needs to have a whole and complete life and your paternal relationship with her that no time or distance could change. But, be very sensitive to the fact that she may feel she's lost her mother and now she's losing her father to a woman who isn't even taking on a maternal role for her. You may want to make an appointment with a child psychologist to see what you can do to minimize the impact of that on her.

 

Much as parents often wish it were different, children perceive direct involvement in their lives -- being present, touching them, putting them first in your schedule and choices -- as the absolute measure of love, since for them it is a lived thing and not a concept. They're not yet abstract enough thinkers to get that. Nor, maybe, should they be, since the sort of love a parent brings is also a formative one. It shapes their sense of value, purpose, and relation to the world through a thousand small daily observations and gestures.

 

You can explain to her how you intend to keep up that sort of interaction despite the distance. Give her concrete specifics. Tell her you will call her once each day at a set time. That will make the call a ritual to which she can look forward. Tell her you will see her in person for a weekend every two months. Tell her that you will have her for holidays x and y for longer visits -- arrange a schedule with her grandparents. Get a lawyer to do it for you if they resist. Also have your lawyer contact the school and doctor to be sure you get those materials sent to you on a regular basis.

 

Also, give her a way she can regularly contact you. Tell her, for instance, that she can IM you anytime she wants. Get back to her IMs as regularly as possible.

 

There's not much more you can do than this to help the situation except stay where she is and make a life for the two of you until she is old enough to want one of her own. You've already decided not to do that. There's nothing you can say to make up for that, ultimately, but there are some things you can do that will help to control the damage and keep a connection between you, one that will help her to feel loved rather than abandoned.

 

-- uriel

[Bonz]

thanks for your insight and for not attacking me,i took your advice and explained it to her exactly the way you said,she was upset of course but she does understand and told me she wants nothing but the best for both of us,and understands too that although im not there with here right now,that i love her and want to make her life easier,she asked me to come back to see her on her birthday which i will do,its only two months away,then after that i plan on going back for christmas,and then again for around the middle of february,this way it will be every two months we see each other like you suggest and that was my plan anyways,but again i do want to thank you for a neutral position and for taking the time to respond

[supermom]

Is there also any way that her grandparents would allow her to visit you when she is not in school? This way too if she meets your new woman and it goes well, it could make it easier for her as maybe the woman in your life could be like a friend to her.

 

She could also look forward to a vacation as well!

 

Maybe talk to her grandparents. Let them know that as much as they feel about losing their daughter, you wouldn't want to "lose" yours as well. Tell them to remember how much they loved their daughter, and if they could find it in their heart to recongnize your love for your daughter as well. Also let them know about he money opportunity in OK, which will help them out financially as well with support.

 

Good luck to you