Can a BS cause a WS to cheat?

[nofool4u]

Is once a week, denying "any" sexual attention?

 

Some will say yes and use that as an excuse.

[nofool4u]

Either door #1 or door #2 above I still see telling the spouse that you have had enough and are leaving is the honorable thing to do. If you are in danger, leave. How is engaging in an affair going to increase your safety?

 

Exactly. If anything, if one has a physically abusive spouse, then by cheating on them they are paving the way for a worse beatdown.

 

If you are being abused, GET OUT. If you don't like not having sex when you want it or on demand, GET OUT.

[nofool4u]

There's a lot of defensiveness here. The topic doesn't pertain to any individual poster's situation, it pertains to a general question of whether or not it's possible, not whether it happens most of the time or even a lot.

 

Maybe it's only 5% of the time but that's still significant.

 

I had a particular hypothetical in mind when I posted my response.

 

Let's say a woman allows herself to become grossly obese during the course of the marriage to the point that she is so ashamed of her appearance she becomes asexual. Let's also assume her husband loses attraction for her due to the obesity. Despite all efforts and encouragements by the husband, she refuses to lose the weight or even live a healthier lifestyle.

 

Years pass and the husband is trapped in a sexless existence. Due to financial issues, raising children, a mortgage, as well as the fact that in other respects he would like to maintain the family unit, he doesn't perceive abandoning her as a realistic option.

 

By cheating he is abandoning her.

 

And cheating is a "realistic option"?

 

Now in that case I couldn't fault the man for finding someone on the side to have sex with.

 

I would

 

 

And I would also argue that the wife's behavior was a major, if not the only, "cause" of the husband's cheating on her.

 

In a case like that I'd love to see the wife lose weight and look good again, then when the husband wants her again, she should leave him.

 

Now please I don't want to get attacked for posting this example because it happens. And in fact there are a number of men who post here who seem like decent men but there wives are simply uninterested in having sex with them, and it doesn't sound like that's due to any fault on the part of the man.

 

When I was married, my sex life sucked, but you didn't see me going out and screwing other women. And later on when it turned out she was cheating(which I'm sure it somehow was my fault:rolleyes:), what did I do?

 

Divorced her.

 

 

I hope noone who disagrees would suggest that something about the husband's behavior "causes" his wife to remain obese, since that would completely contradict the dogmatic assertion that a spouse cannot "cause" dysfunctional behavior on the part of the other spouse.

So you can't have it both ways.

 

Nope. Just as the man didn't cause the wife to be obese, the woman didn't cause the man to go out and betray her. That was his choice brought about by that poor part of his character.

 

 

And, to the poster who asked about 1x/week sex, that's not a total lack of sex, but it's pushing the limits.

 

Really? Wow, just...wow.

 

Ya, I knew there would be somebody using sex once a week as an excuse.

[JamesM]

And, to the poster who asked about 1x/week sex, that's not a total lack of sex, but it's pushing the limits. A "sexless" marriage is defined as maybe once a month or less. And anyone who says they have sex "1x/week" is actually probably having it a good deal less. Also if you can have it 1x/week you can have it 2 or 3x a week, a more normal frequency.

 

Every once in awhile, Ducksoup, I cannot but help say...great post. Yes, I do agree with you on occasion.

 

We do disagree with the sexless marriage definition. And while (as you know) I can sympathize with a husband who is not getting as much sex as he would like, I cannot say that once a week is almost sexless. There is a mismatch of libidos, but certainly not grounds for cheating (as if there would be anyhow). Personally, once a week is good enough for me (and yes, it has been happening lately that often).

 

A sexless marriage can drive a man to look for sex elsewhere especially if that is all that is missing. Leaving a marriage that is satisfying in every sense of the word except sex, would be foolish and undesirable for many men. I started a thread of a letter my wife found and showed me. Basically, a man has a FWB because his wife no longer wanted sex. He said he would leave this FWB if she wanted sex again.

 

Did she cause him to seek out the FWB? One could hardly argue with that. Was he right in doing so? Hard to say, even if it is easy for some to immediately say yes. She may be happier with no sex and yet still have her husband. Who knows. Can he still be a good husband to her when he has a FWB? Good question.

 

There are cases that marital circumstances made the choice of an affair or a sexual outlet outside of marriage desirable. Maybe it was a bad choice, but it was motivated by the lack of sex.

[nofool4u]

The thread topic is NOT about what is the supposedly "ideal" response to an abusive spouse, it is whether or not it is possible for a betrayed spouse to "cause" the WS to cheat.

 

Uh, you're the one that brought it up

If the BS is outright physically, emotionally, verbally abusive, then maybe the WS feels they have no choice but to turn to someone else to deal with it.

 

 

It's kind of ridiculous however for anyone to assert that one spouse's actions don't or can't have a causative effect on the other spouse's responses.

 

Nobody is saying that. We are saying that they can talk about the problem, talk about ending the marriage and yes, ending the marriage.

Unless the BS told the WS, "go ahead, cheat, I don't care", the BS didn't cause the WS to cheat.

 

Now it's fair enough to say that cheating isn't the correct way to respond, everyone can agree on that

 

Agreed. Because alot of things in a marriage can be worked on, but when one crosses the line and cheats, that is pretty much one of the harder things to overcome. Just like with your example of a woman becoming obese, that isn't something that haunts the husbands thoughts. If she loses weight, the fact she use to be heavy doesn't emotionally traumatize him(unless he is some sort of weirdo).

 

As opposed to cheating, that is something that weighs on the betrayed spouses mind heavily. Even if the marriage reconciles, the BS still gets to have those mind movies and triggers of pain about the cheating. A spouse formerly being obese does not.

 

 

, however--it's still a causative factor.

 

Only to those with poor character. So I guess if one wants to look at it, ok sure, I can probably go along with the BS causing the WS to cheat, but only if the WS has a poor enough character and has cheating more than well within him.

[Spark1111]

Ok, back to sex again.

 

What if you average three to four times a week' but duri g his affair it drops off to twice a week?

 

I guess that's the fault of the BS too?

 

Damn, I just couldn't be a novel and willing new person. My bad.

[JamesM]

There is no question that many WSs use some weakness in the marriage as their excuse for an affair, but this does not apply to all or perhaps most. There are definitely some that are cheaters no matter what the marital environment is like, but again, this is not probably most.

 

While I am certain that many affairs are started because of a bad marriage and most often because of sex, all are not. Many WSs SAY it is sex when in reality, it is about the lack of communication and emotional connection. Many guys simply miss the respect and admiration that their wife no longer has for them, and when another woman shows it to them, they crave that attention and are easily drawn to the woman like a moth to the flame...and do get burned.

 

No one can deny cause and effect, but we also cannot use a cause as justification for a rash and stupid decision. It may have led us to the point where we were vulnerable and our resolve to avoid an affair was weakened, but we cannot use it as an excuse. Every person has the freedom to choose, but above all, every person should have the intelligence to prevent such a decision by not allowing ourselves to be in that weakened position.

[nofool4u]

No one can deny cause and effect, but we also cannot use a cause as justification for a rash and stupid decision.

 

This I can go along with. The problem I have is, as with the wife gaining weight example, is the choice to cheat crosses a line that does more damage.

 

Same as with lack of sex. If a marriage "recovers" and the wife understands that she needs to be more attentive, that is fine. The lack of sex previously I highly doubt will cause the husband pain and emotional distress, as where being cheated on most certainly can, and more time than not probably does.

 

So if a cheater thinks his wife caused him to stray, and things get better after talking, then all can be great....for him. The wife now gets to replay the visions in her head, and vice versa with a cheating wife, of what their WS did to them.

 

I guess my point here is, the whole "cause" thing, whether true or not, seems to be an attempt to mitigate the line crossing the cheater did.

[JamesM]

Same as with lack of sex. If a marriage "recovers" and the wife understands that she needs to be more attentive, that is fine. The lack of sex previously I highly doubt will cause the husband pain and emotional distress, as where being cheated on most certainly can, and more time than not probably does.

 

 

While I cannot compare it to what kind of pain would be felt from the fall out of an affair, I CAN say with certainty that forced celibacy in a marriage causes lot of emotional pain and frustration. It creates a huge amount of resentment and anger within the one who is must remain faithful and yet be told sex is not important.

 

Sex in a marriage is an expression of love and closeness. Without it, the marriage suffers in so many ways that transcend sex. The frustrated one feels trapped and powerless. He (or she) feels that while a BS is given much sympathy, he is simply told to deal with it. While a BS is given support, he is told that it too is his fault. He is too blame ONLY. Yet the one who no longer wants sex can be compared to a WS because she has decided that this marriage will no longer have sex and the sexless one cannot have a say in it.

 

So, it is wrong to say that a sexless marriage doesn't have pain. It does. And the ones living it are affected in every part of their lives.

[nofool4u]

No one in this thread opined that sex once a week was a "cause" of cheating.

 

Oh, but you said that was pushing it.

[JamesM]

Anyway, would we accept an excuse from our child of "Well, my friend did such and such, and that's why I did such and such." Um, no. At least I wouldn't. We would be teaching our children to avoid accepting responsibility for their own choices and behavior. Why would we accept less from an adult? Why would we say "Oh, yes. Of COURSE the poor cheater was helpless because their partner did such and such. THAT is why they cheated!"

 

What a lousy example for our kids if we expect THEM to take ownership of their own choices but don't expect the same from an adult.

 

Using children...we WOULD accept it if they said, "I cried when that bully hit me." Or "I hit that bully when he hit me." Some would even say, "Good job!" Most would accept it but certainly not encourage it.

 

Your analogy is slightly off. Fact is...we do accept it when our children respond to behavior that is unacceptable. We don't accept their excuses when the behavior is acceptable. "My friend smoked a cigarette, so I quit being her friend." "My friend hit me, so I hit her back." We may not always like the response, but in many cases, we tolerate it and understand why it happened as a consequence of the action by the friend.

 

So, when a marriage is sexless, we don't accept that as an excuse when a person chooses an affair. However, when we hear of a partner that withholds sex, we assume that the other person caused the sexlessness.

 

Cause and effect. Cause and effect. We are free to choose, but our actions do have consequences. I can choose an affair, and my partner might divorce me. I can withhold sex, and my partner may choose an affair or divorce me.

[frozensprouts]

I sometimes wonder how "sexless" some "sexless" marriages really are...( I'm not saying this applies to all situations, but maybe some of them)

 

I once read an article co-written by a husband and wife after an affair that addressed this topic...

 

seems that the husband cheated, and blamed his wife and said 'but we had a sexless marriage" ( much to the chagrin of his wife)...

 

turns out that during counseling, they discussed sex and it seems that the marriage was far from sexless ( they were having sex several times a week) but it wasn't sex that the husband found satisfactory...he never told his wife this, and she really didn't know...

 

from his point of view, that was a "sexless marriage", but to his wife, it wasn't...

 

this illustrates very well the need to communicate, even if it's about a difficult topic...maybe if he had told her how he'd been feeling, they could've talked about it and tried to find ways to improve their situation and make things better...but, for whatever reason, they didn't...

 

it would seem that t would have been far better to have had one difficult conversation that got the ball rolling on making things better than it was to do things they way they did and not talk about it

[Spark1111]

There is no question that many WSs use some weakness in the marriage as their excuse for an affair, but this does not apply to all or perhaps most. There are definitely some that are cheaters no matter what the marital environment is like, but again, this is not probably most.

 

While I am certain that many affairs are started because of a bad marriage and most often because of sex, all are not. Many WSs SAY it is sex when in reality, it is about the lack of communication and emotional connection. Many guys simply miss the respect and admiration that their wife no longer has for them, and when another woman shows it to them, they crave that attention and are easily drawn to the woman like a moth to the flame...and do get burned.

 

No one can deny cause and effect, but we also cannot use a cause as justification for a rash and stupid decision. It may have led us to the point where we were vulnerable and our resolve to avoid an affair was weakened, but we cannot use it as an excuse. Every person has the freedom to choose, but above all, every person should have the intelligence to prevent such a decision by not allowing ourselves to be in that weakened position.

 

But James, my H gained weight and I didn't cheat. My H was in constant pain for years due to a degenerative back condition and his entire personality changed due to pain meds, and although I was frustrated. resentful and overwhelmingly lonely, I still didn't cheat.

 

So, for me, there was no personal need of mine that outweighed being a supportive partner to him and choosing the marriage and monogamy, over

getting an itch scratched elsewhere. I have scratched my own itch on many an occasion.

 

That is why I believe no one can make me do anything. The choice was, and has always been, mine and mine alone.

 

What if your partner is diagnosed with cancer and must undergo grueling chemotherapy and cannot perform at all.

 

I guess some here would say, yep, it's okay to go elsewhere then.

 

I try to imagine the inverse; What if it is you that is sick and cannot perform?

 

I guess that would be a good enough reason for your wife to be pleasured by another man, as long as you aren't told, so it can't hurt you or destroy your ego.

 

You can cause and effect all you want, I still choose whether to remain faithful to my marriage or not.

 

If not, I'm sure I could come up with as many excuses and justifications as just about anyone else here.

[frozensprouts]

( I'm not saying this is always the case, but it does happen)

 

let's turn it around, and say that the reason wife no longer wants to have sex with her husband is that , well, he's just not any good at it....so she decides to save herself the aggravation and not have sex anymore, which upsets her husband, who blames her for withholding sex...

 

who is the responsible party here? should his wife have told her she was unhappy with the way they were having sex, even though it may hurt his feelings which she didn't want to do?

 

expecting him to know that she is unhappy when she's never told him that seems pretty unfair to me

[JamesM]

But James, my H gained weight and I didn't cheat.

 

You can cause and effect all you want, I still choose whether to remain faithful to my marriage or not.

 

If not, I'm sure I could come up with as many excuses and justifications as just about anyone else here.

 

See...here we are missing the point I am trying to make. I am NOT saying that in EVERY case, someone will cheat when in a bad marriage. I am simply saying that it can happen as a result or consequence of a bad marriage.

 

As I have said before (which never seems to be quoted ), we ARE responsible for our choices and decisions.

 

No question. We ARE responsible for our choices.

 

However, when we do something whether it be withhold sex, abuse our spouse, etc., there are consequences. They can be small or they can be big depending on how our partner chooses.

 

BSs can blame the whole affair on the WS and wipe their hands of any fault, but that would be naive. We can all say that the WS must take responsibility, which is true, but we cannot say that the BS has NO responsibility. Yes, the WS is responsible for the choice he made, BUT if he did so as a result of a bad marriage, then we cannot say that the BS doesn't share any responsibility for providing a cause for the decision.

[JamesM]

I sometimes wonder how "sexless" some "sexless" marriages really are...

 

 

from his point of view, that was a "sexless marriage", but to his wife, it wasn't...

 

 

I agree...I wonder, too.

 

As for my own marriage, I would call having sex twice in seven months sexless. My wife wouldn't.

 

Who is right? Does it matter of the marriage is falling apart?

 

 

Personally, I think a sexless marriage can more often be defined as mismatched libidos. A sexless marriage IMO is when there is sex less than once a month over at least a year, and then the sex is forced.

 

There shouldn't be a question that such little sex can be the reason for a husband or wife to seek out solace in the arms of another. Many women desire sex for the closeness and bonding as do men. And when it is gone, the whole marriage suffers even if the low libido partner doesn't think it does.

[JamesM]

You are WAY missing the point James. One is a visceral reaction in the moment (crying) and has no negative effects on anyone. Not a well thought out planned one which hurts others. The other (striking back) is self defense in a situation where you are being beaten on. Not even CLOSE.

 

And an affair (which is why I liked your comparison ) is often a visceral reaction to frustration and anger that is having negative effects of the WS. And it can also be a way of crying for help when all else has failed (and yes, many people in sexless marriages HAVE tried solving the problem).

 

But you say self-defense after being beaten on? One can even make a comparison there. After being rejected, the emotional toll can be greater than you think. Walk in the shoes of a guy who has been told over and over, "Not tonight" "or "You want THAT again!" Tell me how striking out through an affair is not a self-defense emotionally.

 

Affairs can easily be a reaction or a means of protection or a cry for help. It is not a good way to react, but it occurs. Some people do so passively aggressively (not good) after trying to assertively make their feelings known. They even subconsciously want to be discovered so that the lack of sex must be dealt with head on. They have an affair as a way to get their partner to take them seriously.

 

So, yes, the analogy is comparable.

 

I've never said that. There are a MYRIAD of reasons one partner wouldn't be interested in sex. It could be they don't feel loving toward you for some reason. It could be that there is some medical problem. It could be that they feel bad about themselves which will be a mood killer for anyone.

 

Ah, but there's the rub. How many cheaters actually TELL their spouse they are having an A?

 

 

Ah, but here is the reverse rub. How many spouses who withhold sex actually TELL their partners why they no longer want sex?

 

...and lack of character.

 

...or poor judgment during a LAPSE of character.

[Spark1111]

See...here we are missing the point I am trying to make. I am NOT saying that in EVERY case, someone will cheat when in a bad marriage. I am simply saying that it can happen as a result or consequence of a bad marriage.

 

As I have said before (which never seems to be quoted ), we ARE responsible for our choices and decisions.

 

No question. We ARE responsible for our choices.

 

However, when we do something whether it be withhold sex, abuse our spouse, etc., there are consequences. They can be small or they can be big depending on how our partner chooses.

 

BSs can blame the whole affair on the WS and wipe their hands of any fault, but that would be naive. We can all say that the WS must take responsibility, which is true, but we cannot say that the BS has NO responsibility. Yes, the WS is responsible for the choice he made, BUT if he did so as a result of a bad marriage, then we cannot say that the BS doesn't share any responsibility for providing a cause for the decision.

 

yes, we can and we do, at least some of us, say we had no cause nor responsibility in our depressed, confused partner's decision to seek validation, ego- stroking, sex elsewhere, on the sly, while lying, when they did not have to. they could have informed us, separated, gone to counseling tosee if there was a marriage worth saving, discussed all the issues that were bothering them while affording us the same opportunity to "date" also.

 

If my H thought once every 7 months was ok, but I did not, could not live that way, there would be a very open honest conversation about how that did not meet my needs and what could we do to change that or I may have to seek it elsewhere.

 

I would give it one year and we would assess how happy we are together on a regular basis.

 

I do not know why this is such a hard concept to grasp. Do you not see the inherent dishonesty in lying and cheating before demanding MC after honestly stating your needs and your deal breakers?

[woinlove]

See...here we are missing the point I am trying to make. I am NOT saying that in EVERY case, someone will cheat when in a bad marriage. I am simply saying that it can happen as a result or consequence of a bad marriage.

 

As I have said before (which never seems to be quoted ), we ARE responsible for our choices and decisions.

 

No question. We ARE responsible for our choices.

 

However, when we do something whether it be withhold sex, abuse our spouse, etc., there are consequences. They can be small or they can be big depending on how our partner chooses.

 

BSs can blame the whole affair on the WS and wipe their hands of any fault, but that would be naive. We can all say that the WS must take responsibility, which is true, but we cannot say that the BS has NO responsibility. Yes, the WS is responsible for the choice he made, BUT if he did so as a result of a bad marriage, then we cannot say that the BS doesn't share any responsibility for providing a cause for the decision.

 

I don't see the cause argument. If one looks at the most symmetrical situation: Spouse A cheats and is discovered by spouse B. They agree to the hard work of reconciliation, but spouse B, thinking A did it, so why not me too, is not being honest and actually pursues a secret affair, which is then discovered by spouse A. Tit for tat. Symmetrical.

 

Did spouse A cause spouse B to seek out an affair partner and lie and deceive spouse A about reconciliation and the intent toward their marriage? It seems to me that B is just using A's affair as an excuse. In B's mind, it may be a cause, but it seems like nothing but an excuse. B could have remained faithful, divorced, or been honest and told A he/she was pursuing an affair. I don't see how A caused B to be dishonest, just because A was dishonest.

 

Having one's lies revealed is a consequence of lying. I don't see how being lied to is a consequence of lying.

[BetrayedH]

...and lack of character.

 

THAT is the clincher for me. The marriage may be good or bad but the cheating doesn't happen without this ^^^ component.

[JamesM]

yes, we can and we do, at least some of us, say we had no cause nor responsibility in our depressed, confused partner's decision to seek validation, ego- stroking, sex elsewhere, on the sly, while lying, when they did not have to. they could have informed us, separated, gone to counseling tosee if there was a marriage worth saving, discussed all the issues that were bothering them while affording us the same opportunity to "date" also.

 

All of these "could haves"....we can all agree with. That doesn't change how one event can cause another event. A bad consequence does not mean it was not caused.

 

Yet your point is well-taken. I am not saying (nor are most) that all affairs are a consequence of the BS's actions. But affairs CAN be a consequence.

 

If my H thought once every 7 months was ok, but I did not, could not live that way, there would be a very open honest conversation about how that did not meet my needs and what could we do to change that or I may have to seek it elsewhere.

 

I agree. And I did that too...many times. Throw in some kids and house and more complications...and things become complicated, and then the low libido one has more leverage. And the idea that I threw my marriage away because of a lack of sex is not exactly considered admirable, while it is acceptable and admirable to do so if I were betrayed.

 

I would give it one year and we would assess how happy we are together on a regular basis.

 

Great...and would work in a perfect world.

 

I do not know why this is such a hard concept to grasp. Do you not see the inherent dishonesty in lying and cheating before demanding MC after honestly stating your needs and your deal breakers?

 

It isn't a hard concept but can be a difficult one to implement.

 

I certainly DO see the inherent dishonesty. I also see the stupidity in having an affair. I see many risks, I see dangers. I see it as a threat to my very health.

 

And I see it as a bad choice which may result from a bad marriage.

 

We can easily agree that an affair is a stupid choice. I have no qualms about that. I also have no doubt that this choice can result from some bad choices on the part of the partner who has been betrayed.

[JamesM]

I don't see how A caused B to be dishonest, just because A was dishonest.

 

 

Just as B made a stupid decision to cheat because of a bad marriage (or perceived bad marriage), so A cheated as a reaction to B's affair. The revenge affair (as they are called) was intended to strike pain at B. Of course that is stupid and anti-reconciliation. Of course, it would have been better to have lot cheated.

 

I am not saying that cheating is good at all. I simply say that it can be a consequence of something else such as a bad marriage.

[frozensprouts]

not every affair has to do with lack of sex...

 

in my own situation, we were having a ton of it ( pretty much every day, sometimes more than once a day), but my husband still had an affair...

 

seems like an affair can also happen for reasons that ahve nothing to do with the marriage itself...

 

one thing that came out of my husband's affair was my dad told me that years ago, before I was born ( not going to say how long ago that was...) that's he'd had a very brief affair. From what he and my mom told me, it was just after the death of his parents ( his dad has killed his terminally ill wife and then shot himself...my dad was the one who found them several days later), and he just kept it all 'bottled up" untila few weeks after the funeral, when he had a breakdown and had a "couple of nights" stand. He'd been brought up not to talk about his feelings, and I think that contributed to his actions ( he felt incredibly guilty about his parents). My mom wanted to help, but didn't know how. After his affair ended, he confessed to my mom and she made him get some help...they've been married over 50 years now, and are very happy together....

 

I'm not a man, but it sometimes seems to me as if men are conditioned to not talk about their feelings, as if it somehow makes them "weak" to do so....maybe if more men did open up to their spouses, they'd feel more appreciated and understood, and there'd be a lot less cheating

( or maybe I am over simplifying things too much, I don't know)

[woinlove]

Just as B made a stupid decision to cheat because of a bad marriage (or perceived bad marriage), so A cheated as a reaction to B's affair. The revenge affair (as they are called) was intended to strike pain at B. Of course that is stupid and anti-reconciliation. Of course, it would have been better to have lot cheated.

 

I am not saying that cheating is good at all. I simply say that it can be a consequence of something else such as a bad marriage.

 

To me, it is clear from your posts that you are not saying cheating is good.

 

On this point of cause, I think we will never agree.

 

As I said, I hardly ever think in terms of another person causing me to do anything and certainly nothing I feel is unethical. I feel like I have learned to do what I want to do, behave how I want to behave, and I don't see anyone being able to take that away from me. In particular, I treasure being honest and open with those close to me, and I am willing to discuss difficult issues to seek a resolution, so I can't understand anyone making me become dishonest.

 

I can see that some people do feel that someone else could cause them to bring such deceit into their home and marriage. But, it is not something I really understand. In the end, they do need to be willing to be that deceitful. That is true no matter what other circumstances exist.

[JamesM]

not every affair has to do with lack of sex...

 

in my own situation, we were having a ton of it ( pretty much every day, sometimes more than once a day), but my husband still had an affair...

 

seems like an affair can also happen for reasons that ahve nothing to do with the marriage itself...

 

I'm not a man, but it sometimes seems to me as if men are conditioned to not talk about their feelings, as if it somehow makes them "weak" to do so....maybe if more men did open up to their spouses, they'd feel more appreciated and understood, and there'd be a lot less cheating

( or maybe I am over simplifying things too much, I don't know)

 

You are very right. Affairs are not always about a lack of sex. And even when the WS says they are, they may be about a lack of emotional closeness.

 

Thanks for sharing about your parents. That would have been hard to take as a man and not be able to talk about it...as was even more common a few decades ago. (No comment on your age. )

 

Question if it doesn't get us off topic too much...why DID your husband cheat according to him? And why do YOU think he did?