Can a BS cause a WS to cheat?

[Steen719]

Well, actually is her, him, mommy, maybe a pre-teenage boy, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and very soon (if not already) a new born baby.

 

Good Lord!!

 

I'm glad you are doing well, really.

[Realist3]

Goodness gracious Ducky, you spent more time writing that post than what was spent on the dishes.

 

The original point I was trying to make was that if she TOLD me something upset her, I would work with her. And she was surprised at how easy it was. I really wasn't some scary guy she couldn't talk to.

 

You can try to spin it however you want, but there are some things that are not worth a major discussion over. Like a couple of dishes. And certainly not worth BATTLING over.

 

And even you have to admit that you are really reaching if you are trying to equate her cheating because I "succumbed" to the dishes incident. I can't believe you would think she would not have cheated if I told her that I would do what I wanted with a couple of dishes.

 

Oh, and it couldn't have started with the dishes, she mentioned that after the first d-day.

 

It wasn't specifically about the dishes. The dishes were simply a tipping point of a larger issue. Surely, you can see that.

[96nole]

It wasn't specifically about the dishes. The dishes were simply a tipping point of a larger issue. Surely, you can see that.

Well of course there was a larger issue. And as I have stated several times on this thread, without knowledge of a problem, it cannot be fixed or reach an acceptable agreement.

[Realist3]

How about an attitiude? That may be hard to describe in certain terms, but manifests itself in smaller things.

[BetrayedH]

It sounds like you did just about everything except what most needed to be done, that is, put your foot down and insist on a more normal frequency of sexual relations with your wife.

 

You also don't really seem to have any insight into why the woman who married you in the first place, had your children, didn't want to have sex with you any longer.

 

The obvious reason is she simply lost attraction for you. Now that's not necessarily anyone's fault but it is the critical issue.

 

The question is why did she lose attraction for you? That happened seven years at least before her affair and it's remarkable that you would actually expect your wife to do without a halfway decent sex life for all that time without understanding that she would be very susceptible to having an affair. As a matter of fact I'm kind of surprised that you never suspected she might be cheating on you long before you found out she actually finally did cheat on you.

 

Did you think that just because she didn't want to have sex with you, that means she never wanted to have sex with anyone ever again?

 

Does that really make sense--not just w/respect to your wife, but w/respect to anyone in that situation?

 

I agree that I need to delve further into why we had a virtually sexless marriage for that long a time. I'd like to not repeat that pattern.

 

That said, I don't have access to all of the information I need short of a vulcan mind meld.

 

As for accepting it that long, I didn't have the handbook. I really didn't have a clue what I was supposed to do about this problem. I could have threatened divorce, I suppose. Easier to judge in hindsight. I didn't anticipate it happening, had little understanding of why, saw the same situation happening in other marriages, and no one seemed to have an answer. I knew I loved my wife and I felt I was being a part of the solution.

 

As for predicting the infidelity, the last thing I expected from my low sex-drive wife was to find out that she had had an affair. Naive? I suppose you could see it that way but I had little understanding about infidelity at the time; it really wasn't even a part of my vocabulary. I never considered it an option.

 

I agree it was a dysfunctional dynamic but I think it is very common and the solution is elusive, at best. James is a good example. What is your suggestion to him? I think you said something about putting my foot down? Nottrying to be argumentative at all. To this day, I'm not sure why it happened or what someone is supposed to do about it when it does.

[StoneCold]

Ahh, the old, "it's the BS's fault". But how can a BS know to make the marriage more "desirable" if they don't know anything is wrong?

 

lol.... this......lol...this I find very hard to beleive.

 

Sure it happens sometimes.....someone got blindsided.

 

But if I were a bet'n man I'd bet more often than not the above mentioned is not the case.

 

You fight like cats and dogs, cant have a civil discussion, avoid eachother, belittle eachother, obviously resent eachother, no affection, not having sex for an extended period of time..... (take your pick)

 

But oh no.......they didnt know anything was wrong

 

lol

[nofool4u]

This was suggested by a poster in another thread.

 

Short of the BS slowly waving their hand in front of the WS and saying, "These are not the droids you're looking for. And by the way, you should search for the solution to our marital problems within a nearby vagina," I tend to think that the decision lies solely with the wayward. Anything else is simply blameshifting.

 

Thoughts?

 

No, a BS doesn't cause a WS to cheat. Poor character in the WS causes them to cheat.

[StoneCold]

Wow. You must have a wonderful marriage.

 

Well not anymore thank god...... I'm divorced....and so much happier

 

Many of that was in my marriage.....but when the problem was in onset I opened my eyes....looked around me...observed other marriages....asked people......

 

 

Everything on that list I mentioned was a very real and common threat. As a result, any married couple at any point run a risk of encountering any or all of those things I mentioned....to varying degrees.....hence the high divorce rate

[nofool4u]

Well not anymore thank god...... I'm divorced....and so much happier

 

Thank goodness. I am very relieved for your wife. This was the best thing you could have done for her. Kudos for that.

[StoneCold]

Well of course those things CAN happen in ANY relationship - not just marriages. But when a poster says "I had NO CLUE there was anything wrong" why would you then basically say, "But I bet all THIS was happening, and you just didn't pay attention."

 

If that kind of BS was happening in a R of mine I'd be out.

 

Go back and read again what I said..... did I not say it was possible to get blindsided????

 

I was just making a general comment..... to an OPEN question

[StoneCold]

Thank goodness. I am very relieved for your wife. This was the best thing you could have done for her. Kudos for that.

 

Even better and more releiving for me! Hooray for Stonecold!!!!!

 

 

You're right nofool...... KUDOS

[JamesM]

No, a BS doesn't cause a WS to cheat. Poor character in the WS causes them to cheat.

 

So you are saying that in any marriage or relationship or in all marriages or relationships irrespective of the person the "cheater" is involved with...this person will always cheat?

 

Not logical.

 

No, it is true that SOME people cheat because they enjoy the thrill and variety. It is true that some will cheat despite having a good marriage. But many, many affairs occur only in a marriage that is far from perfect. These people move on and never cheat again. They either stay with their BS and reconcile or move on to another person. Many regret their stupidity and learn from their erroneous ways.

 

Regrettably, some don't.

 

IMO it seems that many BSs use this excuse to avoid ANY responsibility for a bad marriage as often as the WS will say that he or she wasn't at fault and ONLY cheated because of a bad marriage.

 

Affairs happen to good people in many situations.

 

Bad marriages make affairs seem attractive.

 

We are all responsible for our choices.

 

Our choices have consequences.

 

Good people make bad choices.

 

Bad choices can result in bad consequences.

 

Hence, good people can become lazy in their marriage, causing other good people to look elsewhere for happiness.

 

 

 

It takes two to make or break a marriage BUT having said that...ONE person CAN MAKE a marriage or BREAK it.

[StoneCold]

Um, no. The above quote basically calls almost everyone a liar who responded that they didn't know there was a problem.

 

And, yes. Good for you for divorcing. Now hopefully you can build a happier life for yourself.

 

Oh it most certainly questions many....because I have seen just as much blame shifting, dellusion and "justification" with BSs as the same WSs they accuse of lol......the game is just different. I've caught so many here...called them out on it.....and they tucked their tail between their legs

 

.... thats people.

 

I personally beleive many like to play the "I didnt know" card because it makes the whole things that much easier to swallow.....I get it....do what you gotta do to protect yourself (If you beleive that will work for you)...But I never said everyone

Edited December 11, 2012 by StoneCold

[woinlove]

Can one spouse cause the other to cheat? Not me! I'm an independent and strong minded person, so despite decades of marriage and several previous relationships, no one has ever made me cheat. I've ended relationships because of the actions of my partner, and I've negotiated open relationships, but I can't see why I would ever choose to be dishonest and disloyal because of another person. I'm surprised any grown person would want to give up that power. On the other hand, as a rationalization for bad behavior, I can understand some saying they are dishonest and disloyal because of someone else.

[StoneCold]

It makes similar sense that a WS would try to infer that the BS was a nagging bitch after the fact even if it weren't true.

 

Sure its possible the WS could be just as dellusional.....which is why I said....

 

 

Sure it happens sometimes.....someone got blindsided.

 

I'm talking about likelihood...not absolutes.

 

I personally don't believe that its not more likely that the BS didn't know.

 

There seems to be crawling with MCs and ICs these days...."everybody" is in some sort of therapy. My bet, JJ is people have problems....and they know it....which is why all these MCs and ICs are employed

[JamesM]

No one can MAKE you cheat. And no character flaw will MAKE you cheat.

 

And if you define cause as make, then no one can cause you to cheat.

 

However, if you define a cause as a motive, then many good people given the motive, find their resolve and independent strength weakened...and they choose to cheat.

 

Can someone cause you to love them? Can someone cause you to hate them? Can someone cause you to be angry with them? Can someone cause you to be sad? Can someone affect your emotions?

 

Can they provide a motive for you to decide how you feel about them?

 

Can someone cause you to cheat against them?

 

We choose many feelings and actions based on how someone else acts or doesn't act.

 

Enough said.

[StoneCold]

 

We choose many feelings and actions based on how someone else acts or doesn't act.

 

Enough said.

 

Anybody who says otherwise is dreaming....

[Spark1111]

lol.... this......lol...this I find very hard to beleive.

 

Sure it happens sometimes.....someone got blindsided.

 

But if I were a bet'n man I'd bet more often than not the above mentioned is not the case.

 

You fight like cats and dogs, cant have a civil discussion, avoid eachother, belittle eachother, obviously resent eachother, no affection, not having sex for an extended period of time..... (take your pick)

 

But oh no.......they didnt know anything was wrong

 

lol

 

This isn't a marriage! it sounds more like a war zone. I would be hard-pressed to not expect cheating in such an angry and disrespectful relationshipas you have described.

 

The bigger and better question may be, why oh why would someone stay in something as toxic as this, whether they wound up cheating, divorcing or leaving?????

[carhill]

What's the difference between a cause and a consequence?

 

In a classic example, the wife returns home to find her husband and his mistress in their bed, making love. She pulls her Glock 23 out of her handbag and fills them both with hollow-points, ending the dynamic with finality.

 

Did her husband being in the marital bed with his mistress cause her to murder them? Was their murder a consequence of their actions? What's the difference? Why?

[StoneCold]

This isn't a marriage! it sounds more like a war zone. I would be hard-pressed to not expect cheating in such an angry and disrespectful relationshipas you have described.

 

The bigger and better question may be, why oh why would someone stay in something as toxic as this, whether they wound up cheating, divorcing or leaving?????

 

lol a war zone? yeah it is indeed isnt it?... I've seen many, many marriages deteriorate to that....some I've seen are out and out hell.....its not a good bet lol

 

Why stay? Spark there could be any number of reasons why...finances (thats massive), fear, kids (used to be big but I noticed thats a waning reason as of late)....take your pick.... contrary to popular belief around here it is seldom easy to wake up one day and say "seeeeya...I'm outtie!!!" and run down the street clicking your heels like some character on Mary Poppins.... This I have yet to see.

 

Are they good reasons? These reasons they have? ......I don't know, I'm not involved in other peoples marriage nor am I responsible for thier finances and child rearing....not you, me or anybody is in a position to tell them whats best for them.

 

If leaving means being homeless....who are anybody else to say anything? I know it sounds a little extreme but if you have no family you can count on, no friends (many marrieds) and your finances are screwed because you have because financially dependent on one another....its a real possibility...... and just one of many undesirable possibilities....who knows

 

All you can do is hope it works out for them

Edited December 11, 2012 by StoneCold

[JamesM]

The BS's discovery probably made them a tad off kilter. Now what one person will do at that point will differ from the next.

 

I would say the effing around was the cause of driving the BS a little nutso for a moment. The consequence of that is the death of the cheater. The further consequence to the BS will be court and a judging by his/her peers.

 

According to the logic being used here, there is no cause. This murder simply happened because of a character flaw in the murderer. End of story. According to many BS, the husband and mistress being in bed together had nothing to do with the wife shooting them. She is the only one to blame.

[Realist3]

The BS's discovery probably made them a tad off kilter. Now what one person will do at that point will differ from the next.

 

I would say the effing around was the cause of driving the BS a little nutso for a moment. The consequence of that is the death of the cheater. The further consequence to the BS will be court and a judging by his/her peers.

 

 

That example is actually termed a 'crime of passion' and is a legit legal defense. The cause justified the consequence as there was no premeditation.

[nofool4u]

Even better and more releiving for me! Hooray for Stonecold!!!!!

 

Yes, because someone like you needs to STAY single.

[nofool4u]

So you are saying that in any marriage or relationship or in all marriages or relationships irrespective of the person the "cheater" is involved with...this person will always cheat?

 

Not logical.

 

Its not logical because that isn't what I'm saying. What YOU are saying I'm saying is not logical.

 

I'm saying that the BS didn't cause the cheater to cheat. If someone wants to cheat its due to poor character, not the BS.

 

No, it is true that SOME people cheat because they enjoy the thrill and variety.

 

Yes, poor character

 

 

It is true that some will cheat despite having a good marriage.

 

Yes, poor character

 

But many, many affairs occur only in a marriage that is far from perfect. These people move on and never cheat again.

 

But the fact that they cheated still shows poor character.

 

 

Regrettably, some don't.

 

IMO it seems that many BSs use this excuse to avoid ANY responsibility for a bad marriage as often as the WS will say that he or she wasn't at fault and ONLY cheated because of a bad marriage.

 

I didn't say BS's didn't admit the marriage was bad. I'm saying poor character led the WS to go outside the marriage and cheat.

 

Bad marriages make affairs seem attractive.

 

I had a wife that didn't pay any attention to me, you didn't see me going out and sticking my kielbasa in another woman.

 

Besides, the question of the thread is, did the BS cause the WS to cheat. My answer is no.

[carhill]

That example is actually termed a 'crime of passion' and is a legit legal defense. The cause justified the consequence as there was no premeditation.

Why?

 

Further, you're using legal arguments, and that's a slippery slope on an interpersonal relationship discussion forum. If you wish, we can apply legal perspective to this entire thread and see how it goes .......