Coping with ex, drama

[The_Face]

My ex is pregnant with (supposedly my) child. Found out through the grapvine she had sex with this guy the day before her bleeding incident that occured a few weeks ago.

 

All that time I was worried that the mountain of stress I seemed to unwittingly unload upon her was a factor. Maybe it was, still, who knows. But she was ****ing some guy while she's pregnant, and noticeably pregnant, on top of that. How gross is that. Not only is that pretty sad on her part, but what about this guy? I saw a picture of him, and while I don't consider myself some hot stud, this guy makes me feel like the sexiest man alive. And how desperate must he be? None of that really matters, I'm just pointing out superficial **** at this point. The real issue is that I cannot trust her at all. She's lied to me too many times now and justified it to herself every time. It makes any promise she makes to me feel unstable. For example, how am I supposed to believe she's going to let me see the kid whenever I want? Or at all? Those could be lies, too. Because everything else she's said has all been lies. Another great example of one of her many lies is how she swore she's not ready for a relationship right now, with me or anybody else, and that she probably won't be for a long time, specifically because she says she needs to focus on getting herself established for the baby and whatnot. Turns out that was a lie too.

 

I mean, you can't even wait a few more months to add another guy to your list of hook-ups? And to make it worse, she's been stringing me along here and there for months, whether she wants to see that or not. She was probably having sex with both of us at the same time, for all I know. She has no reason to lie about anything at this point. We're not together, we're not going to be ever, so her trying to "protect" me from what she's doing with her life outside of with me is retarded. She doesn't tell the truth because she's got some hidden agenda going on. **** this, I've been played over and over by this girl.

 

Funny how over the course of a few months I went from being head over heels in love with this girl, willing to bend over backwards and spend every last penny for her, whatever it takes. Now, well... I can't even bear to think of spending the next 18+ years in any type of communication with her.

 

And no, this isn't about jealousy. If she found some other guy to spend time with and give her body to, that's fine and dandy. I gave up on her a while ago. Besides, I can handle being single. When I find the right girl I will cherish her and do everything I can for her. So being alone now doesn't bother me anymore. I thought my ex was going to be that girl that I've been waiting for my whole life, but it turns out she's just one of many girls I've dated who stabbed me in the back and used me up.

 

My feelings right now are just worry for the child on the way. Whether or not it's my kid. But especially if it is, just because I'm going to be paranoid for the rest of my life about what she exposes the boy to. This girl has no self respect or patience. Not to mention, she's a chronic liar and manipulator. She seems to want to demand trust from me, yet every time something shady is going on it's clear as day, whether or not she admits to anything or not (which is never the case, anyway). She doesn't realize how easy it is to spot lies, when I've told her multiple times about all the girls who did the same things to me in the past. Her lies are easy to sniff out, or at least obvious enough to instill suspicion in my mind.

 

To sum this excessive rant up, right now I'm coping with, well, hatred I suppose. But mostly coping with the feelings of pity for my ex, and fear for her. I don't think she's on a good track right now. I think it's just a matter of time before she goes off the rails and something goes wrong. She is young in every sense of the word and her actions are only going to bring her to dead-end situation after dead-end situation. ****.

 

At this point, she reminds me exactly of my first girlfriend. They did the same things. Broke up with me, got pregnant, and began sleeping around a bunch after that. The only difference is, my first girlfriend never lied to me. She would flat-out admit to things she did wrong, which I respected her for. It showed a little sense of maturity, at the very least it showed she knew the difference between right and wrong. She knew she wasn't perfect and laid it all out on the line. Even though I didn't like all of my first girlfriend's lifestyle choices and whatnot, I at least trusted her. My recent ex is the worst liar I've ever dated, or met, for that matter. And that's not a statement I would make about a person often.

Edited November 23, 2012 by The_Face

[GSB81]

I hope you plan to have a paternity test performed. Don't worry about her not letting you see your boy. If she doesn't, take her to court. Good luck man.

[The_Face]

Paternity test is a must, at this point. Too many lies and cover-ups have gone in the past to just "hope for the best" or go off of my ex's word anymore.

 

Suspicion is a victimless crime, in my opinion. Not trusting somebody is the same. Lying, on the other hand, almost always hurts people. Or at least the potential is typically there. So I don't feel bad for not trusting her. I shouldn't feel guilted for that anymore, by her or myself.

 

What I can't seem to get through to the ex is that LIES always come out, sooner or later. And when they do, they complicate everything. The foundation of trust and friendship I have been trying to rebuild with her for months now just goes right to **** when these things happen. Like I said, I have no real sense of stability with her now. And I know now, that I never will. She has ALOT of growing up to do.

 

Thanks for the support, buddy. Things will be getting better soon. Even if they get worse first. They will work out somehow.

Edited November 23, 2012 by The_Face

[YorickBrown]

Man, we're on the boat here. Geez...what a clusterf*ck!!! I've been struggling with this dilemma myself. Here --> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/357553-whothef-did-i-just-become-2.html

 

At this point, Im just focusing on getting the Paternity test done...and believe me, from where I am right now, its not really that "easy" to say the least. Its just NOT because of the financial reasons (before and after the PT)...but the emotional roller-coaster i have to ride again! and geezus...if the child does turn out to be mine (and I have a very very strong feeling it is...)....the psychological effect is already staggering me! I havent been sleeping well since I found out about it last weekend. I'm thinking...OMG! OMG! My first-born baby girl is gonna be raised by her "whore" mother and some random guy (who I think she & her family tricked)!!! It breaks my heart...the legal system in my country does NOT really favor the biological dad at all...f*ckers! Dammit!! There is no "win" situation for me.

 

Im sorry...im really getting upset now...

[The_Face]

You don't have a lot of time left to get your ducks in a row. Have you consulted with a family law attorney yet? Have you contacted the hospital about signing/not signing the birth certificate until a PT is done? You've got to get on the ball here.

 

Not yet. How much can really be done, at this stage in the game? I will have to find out the hospital info the ex is at, but as for the attorney, again what could really be done now? Until I know without a doubt this child is mine there doesn't seem to a whole lot to set up yet.

 

I'm not trying to put things off because I'm lazy or anything. If I'm in the wrong please advise. But if there isn't much to be done yet I'd rather hold off in the small chance it's not my child. I don't know.

 

FML

[The_Face]

If she tells you that she's been sleeping with others when she was sleeping with you, that gives you all the right in the world by anyone's standards to get the paternity test. Why would she give up the opportunity to make you look unreasonable and demanding by admitting she's been sleeping around?

 

This is a great point. No wonder she feels the need to keep lying. WTF

[YorickBrown]

Just a quick question, as me and The_Face, are basically facing the same dilemma: What if she puts up the baby for adoption? (Or in my case, have some other bloke stand up for the baby as the father)...say before you can get the Paternity Test? (If she doesnt want you to get one)

 

Won't the kid you know..."kinda get lost in the system"?

[Treasa]

I think you should consult a lawyer, but I would think that you would have a right to take the child if she wanted to put it up for adoption and you were the father. Also, even if some other guy wanted to be the child's father and said he was, you could still demand a paternity test. Just know that you'll likely have to pay child support either way if the child is yours.

[YorickBrown]

I think you should consult a lawyer, but I would think that you would have a right to take the child if she wanted to put it up for adoption and you were the father. Also, even if some other guy wanted to be the child's father and said he was, you could still demand a paternity test. Just know that you'll likely have to pay child support either way if the child is yours.

 

I kinda figured that would be the case...geez....that would suck big time I mean, I have no problem taking care of the child, but having to "share" the baby with "betrayers"!?!? They'll probably poison my child's mind against me later on. And even if I somehow managed to get some visitation rights..i will still just basically be an "outsider" for most of my own child's life...and like you know, having all the responsibilities without the "rewards"?!? What kind of "fatherhood" is that? I feel like Robinhood (an outlaw...except Im the one who got rob and i still give away stuff)...Geez...and how do I explain this to my future wife or life partner? Now, that I think about it....if I tell her about my uhmm..past indiscretions, I dont think I'll ever have one anymore.

And even if I managed to have my own family there will always be..."honey, I have to go away for awhile and spend some time with my kid"....the emotional drama aside from the logistics later on can be troublesome just thinking about it right now is giving me a coronary. Geezus my ex really screwed my life over if it turns out she did bear my first-born. I feel splintered.

Edited November 26, 2012 by YorickBrown

[Balzac]

The_Face when is her delivery date? Months away?

[The_Face]

We got two different due dates, Feb. 20, and Feb 27th. Funny, I was just checking this stupid conception calendar website trying to get a decent idea of when we may have conceived. I have already done this in the past and know it's a waste of time, especially considering we are getting the test done anyway. And I also know it's not going to be the same conception date for everybody. I should probably stop thinking about it for now, it will do no good. Besides, seem to be getting all sorts of different results from the various websites with a conception calendar.

 

Another 3 months or so, of this fun fun fun.

[Balzac]

Hah! Your obsession is very understandable. I've said this previously but I know the level of anxiety you are living with. Hospitals have social workers available to assist/support you in the birth certificate and testing discussions.

It's important for your emotional state and for she and her family to perhaps have access to a neutral, sane party. Clergy will also support you in the act of approaching the subject. Not that you must practice religious rituals but they are neutral, sane and experienced. I hate to see you outnumbered by her relatives.

 

It's not too long now. I wish your misery of waiting could end soon.

Is her plan to inform you at the time of labor beginning?

Edited November 27, 2012 by Balzac
You will get past this.

[The_Face]

Yep, I'm expecting a phone call from her at some point, either before or immediately after she goes to the hospital for delivery.

 

I feel like I'd be happier now if I called her out on her behavior and told her I know what she's been doing. But I also know nothing I say will get through to her. She'd just get mad and not talk to me anymore. Probably get her mom to get in my face again.

 

So I sit here, waiting for tomorrow. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst!

[Balzac]

Your need to let her know you're onto her must be driving you crazy at times. Your conclusion is solid though, it would change nothing. It would bring on a shyte shower that casts you as the target. Stifle it. Vent here.

 

She'll eventually be revealed but even then her network of supporters will target and attempt to dehumanize you. If he's your son, you put the burden onto this poor innocent maiden. If the boy is "other DNA" you caused her stress. Dismiss the crazies. It's an interminable wait. I cannot imagine your angst. The immediate feelings of seeing, hearing & holding an innocent newborn can cause the roughest, toughest cowboy to mist up. That's what I most dread for you.

 

Bring it here. Vent and spew. We all feel your pain.

[bpdr]

Yep, I'm expecting a phone call from her at some point, either before or immediately after she goes to the hospital for delivery.

 

I feel like I'd be happier now if I called her out on her behavior and told her I know what she's been doing. But I also know nothing I say will get through to her. She'd just get mad and not talk to me anymore. Probably get her mom to get in my face again.

 

So I sit here, waiting for tomorrow. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst!

 

Good for you. Your strengths are showing through. Stay strong and FOLLOW through.....best wishes always!

[YorickBrown]

We got two different due dates, Feb. 20, and Feb 27th. Funny, I was just checking this stupid conception calendar website trying to get a decent idea of when we may have conceived. I have already done this in the past and know it's a waste of time, especially considering we are getting the test done anyway. And I also know it's not going to be the same conception date for everybody. I should probably stop thinking about it for now, it will do no good. Besides, seem to be getting all sorts of different results from the various websites with a conception calendar.

 

Another 3 months or so, of this fun fun fun.

 

Couldn't you get a pre-natal or in-womb DNA/Paternity Test? I mean... I dunno...it sounds so C.S.I. but I guess it could be done, except the legalities would complicate doing it.....<sigh>

 

Anyways, I know how you feel...mine's a little different, but its basically the same, I'm just suffering terrible post-baby betrayal syndrome (i made that up) I kind of envy you in a way...i mean...at least you could somehow "participate" in the "childbirth process" right? I feel I was just "robbed" of my first-born experience (and they got away with it the @&%$S!...and I don't think its fun,fun,fun after..especially when its after the child already came into this world...(now im in world of hurt and legal complications)...its fu*k, fu*ck, f*ck....sorry

 

Hang in there. I'm told...or feel..that when you see the baby...nothing else matters.....you might NOT even need a Paternity Test!

[The_Face]

I remember being told when I had my children that the first due date the doctor gives you is most likely to be accurate.

 

If we were told our due date is 27th of Feb, when would anyone's guess be on when we conceived? I already know that I can't base anything off of this but more just curious, really, what others would think. Because the OB said her guess was that we possibly conceived in the beginning of June (I think she said around the 5th, 6th, or around there)... This was also told to us after the ex stated she couldn't even remember when her last period was.

 

Anyway, we were together on the 3rd and 4th of June. I'm no math wizard but I just don't see how the due date with the dates me and ex were together add up. Whatever. I shouldn't even wonder anymore, I still have a couple months to wait, as it is...

Edited November 28, 2012 by The_Face

[The_Face]

fu*k, fu*ck, f*ck

 

What's the news on your situation, Yorick?

[Balzac]

"Anyway, we were together on the 3rd and 4th of June. I'm no math wizard but I just don't see how the due date with the dates me and ex were together add up"

 

Sperm life is generally calculated at 5-6 days. Say her ovulation was 5th or 6th. Add days for implantation.

 

Bigger question is when was she adding sperm donor 2 to the mix?

Edited November 28, 2012 by Balzac
June 4 add 5 days.

[The_Face]

She was gone for just about the whole week prior to her and I hooking up. And I didn't even see her until late in the night on the 3rd, so who knows if she was with us both in the same day even? Or at least the day prior to that possibly? It's cutting it pretty ****ing close, regardless

[Balzac]

Great word choice! You've not lost your sense of humor.

Hang in there. Your very personal sharing is compelling reading.

It's benevolent and brave of you. Thanks so much.

[YorickBrown]

What's the news on your situation, Yorick?

 

Well as sadintexas said im still trying, to get my "ducks in a row" so to speak...(most of my "updates" were on this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/357553-whothef-did-i-just-become-2.html#post4396745.

 

I just can't go back there (to my ex-gf and her family) with "guns blazing" and shoot them ducks (although I have these sudden urges to do just that). Like I said, its a clusterf*ck, f*ck, f*ck and it Mostly her/their fault.

 

Sorry Im just "venting"....im trying to get all the anger out with sarcasm...and work out my counter-moves in the meantime--- I almost absolutely have no fight in the "legal" arena (that's the way it works here)...so I dunno...its really a dilemma after dilemma (dad) kind of thing

At this point, im glad the paternity testing is taking me long to do coz of current financial difficulties (at least it gives me time to think about it thoroughly)--before I actually do it. I also have to mentally and emotionally prepare myself (which, as you might know is even more difficult) <sigh>

[The_Face]

So you're in the running in both calculations

 

It's pointless even looking at this stuff anymore. Reading and writing about it is, too. I guess. I'm wasting energy. I just need to carry on preparing each day to be a father. And the test will be the confirmation, more than likely.

 

The emotions I've been feeling since hearing my ex was having sex with a guy while she's pregnant and the resulting trip to the hospital, has been too much to take. It's hard to explain right now. I'm excited for the baby, but I hate my ex. If only they could be seperate.

 

I think I can leave LS alone for a little bit. I've gone on and on about this too much.

 

If the kid is mine, great. I'm going to put everything I got into being the best father I can be. I have already been preparing for that since me and my ex found out she was pregnant. But if somehow it's not my kid, I see a positive in that, as well. I can rid myself of this girl. Stay tuned

[bpdr]

It's pointless even looking at this stuff anymore. Reading and writing about it is, too. I guess. I'm wasting energy. I just need to carry on preparing each day to be a father. And the test will be the confirmation, more than likely.

 

The emotions I've been feeling since hearing my ex was having sex with a guy while she's pregnant and the resulting trip to the hospital, has been too much to take. It's hard to explain right now. I'm excited for the baby, but I hate my ex. If only they could be seperate.

 

I think I can leave LS alone for a little bit. I've gone on and on about this too much.

 

If the kid is mine, great. I'm going to put everything I got into being the best father I can be. I have already been preparing for that since me and my ex found out she was pregnant. But if somehow it's not my kid, I see a positive in that, as well. I can rid myself of this girl. Stay tuned

 

Good man. Wise choice. Good luck to you!

[Balzac]

We're counting down til you update.