fiance had one time gang bang - what now?

[honey2005]

What is she were a guy? What if this had been his bachelor party? What if there had been girls? Would it be acceptable then?

 

In my opinion no.

 

I am just curious as to the rest of you though.

 

Ahh I think that is definitely not acceptable

[SwEeT P]

A leopard doesnt change its spots.............................

[KaiaMahina]

Yes, people do make mistakes and learn from them...IF there are negative consequences.

 

If she loses her fiance, a good man, because of what she did, she may learn from her mistake. But if she loses nothing, she will learn nothing.

 

Just a simple fact of human behavior.

 

I suggest that you let her learn from her mistake and save yourself a lot of misery. Cut her loose.

[YellowLioness]

 

Yeah, supermom was right, get tested.

 

Since she didn't tell you about it, don't you wonder how many other guys she's boinked?

 

Hon, you can do better. I'm sorry that this has happened to you, and I know you think you love her, but let her go.

Part of being married is to only be with one person for the rest of your life; to share your heart AND your body with only ONE PERSON.

 

She's not ready for marriage, and she's treating you in a VERY selfish manor. You are right to be hurt and upset, and want reasons!

 

Don't let fear of being alone trap you "'til death do you part," with the wrong person. Do you have any idea how bad your life could be if you were MARRIED to this girl? If you had CHILDREN with her?

[soccorsilly]

Are you orignally from Bal'more Hon?

[HokeyReligions]

I'm pretty much in agreement with others. At the very least - postpone the wedding indefinately. Get checked for STD's now, and again in a few months, and stop having sex with her for a while. Sex will confuse the emotional and moral issues.

 

Originally posted by valuePackWeddingTakL

Thank you all for your input and support on this.

 

I know it may seem like a no-brainier situation as far as "what to do," but I should add that she has never cheated on me at all in the past - as far as I know. So, its not like she planned this outlandish behavior prior to doing this. Our relationship seemed very good until yesterday!

Uh, planned in advance? It doesn't matter if she planned it or not, she made the decision to cheat on you. Your relationship only seemed very good, apparently there are problems and this cheating is a symptom.

 

 

Even after this happened, while I didn't know about it yet, she was being very thoughtful and engaged in the relationship. Obviously she is very embarrassed about the event - why she doesn't wish to talk about it more I believe.

Of course she was being thoughtful - out of embarassment, not out of love for you. Tough cookies if she is embarassed. If she values the relationship with you at all, she will discuss this with you, at length and in depth and to your satisfaction. Loving someone and making a commitment to them means tackling tough situations, including embarassing situations, because you love your partner. She is not doing that.

 

This is really unfolding as a catastrophe the more I think about it. I'm embarrassed to go to work on Monday. God knows who else that we know have heard about it through the grape-vine.

It is a catastrophe as far as I'm concerned. I feel very bad for you, but certainly not laughing at you. I understand your embarassment though. I hope you went to work with your head held high and that words gets out that you have postponed your wedding and are taking some time away from her. Counseling is none of their business - but I recommend it for you so that you can help yourself deal with this.

 

Given that she is such a great partner day-to-day, aren't I just hurting myself more, and making things worse for me if I call off the wedding - and lose my future with her?

Being a great partner in some things does not justify or excuse her behavior. No, you are not hurting yourself more. You will never have the future you originally envisioned with her. What she did puts a 'before' and 'after' marker in your relationship. You may still be able to have a future with her, and it may be wonderful---but not yet. Not like this. Not when she can do something like this to the relationship.

 

And you are letting her control you. My husband did that with me. I had control over the relationship. He would put up with anything, accept anything, and do whatever I said and you know what? After a while I got to where I resented him AND myself. I had no respect for him. He had no respect for himself. Counseling helped us and even when I don't get my way now, I much prefer that momentary dissapointment or frustration to the total lack of respect we had before.

 

Should I consider giving her a break on this one and hope it was just a fluke, one time bad mistake?

You can't trust something this profound to hope. Ignoring the symptom is not going to cure the problem. You have to get this totally in the open and work through it with her. I strongly recommend a marriage counselor to help you both.

 

As far as a swinger lifestyle, I don't believe she has any interest in that and I know I don't. so that is not an option.

It might have been her living out a fantasy. It might never happen again. BUT - she was dishonest with you about it. That she would do anything like this without considering how you would feel, or even considering that it would hurt you and doing it anyway, is the biggest problem that I see in the relationship. The gang-bang was a symptom of a larger problem or character flaw in her and in the relationship.

 

I also think about what the wedding will be like. It kills me to think about us saying our vows and not knowing who at are wedding might have heard about this and so forth.

Don't do it. Wait. Postpone the wedding. Put your foot down.

 

You mentioned that this happened at a friends house. Is she still on contact with the friend? What about the 3 men? She should cease all contact with them without even being asked to do that. Neither of you should ever see these people again. Have any of them apologized to you? Or expressed any emotions about their own behavior? FRIENDS would not do this.

 

I wonder how she would have reacted if when you told her you found out about the gang-bang also said "so, since you did that I guess its okay I had sex with a couple of girls while I was away"

[amerikajin]

Great post, Hokey.

 

The only thing is, I don't see how he could even think of having any future with her. I wouldn't bother postponing the marriage; I'd outright end it permanently.

 

Dating and courtship are the probationary period. It's a chance to see whether or not your partner has any character flaws that would jeopardize a future commitment.

 

Those flaws have been exposed. She's a cheater, plain and simple. I agree with the poster who said that the only way she will learn from this outrageous act is if there are negative consequences, and that ending the relationship is the only way to really get this message through to her.

 

Some might say "salvage the relationship if you can," but I just don't see the point. It's not his job to salvage anything. He's being a respectable partner, so why can't she be one as well?

 

Another point I want to make here (and something you touched on, Hoke) is that, as heretical as this sounds, our friend bears some measure of responsibility for this. Not for the cheating itself, but for the fact that he is, in all probability, enabling this woman.

 

I agree with Hoke: put your foot down. Get some self respect, and start getting some self respect by drawing the line on what you will and will not accept in a relationship...and then reinforce that with consequences. Dude, you deserve better than this. Go out and get someone who will give you what you need. Otherwise, you've got this kind of treatment to look forward to for the rest of your life.

[YellowLioness]

That was really inspiring! lol.

 

And, an excellent idea for Mr7.

 

Keep your chin up, and just move away from your fiance. There are other women, just as beautiful, that can treat you the way you deserve.

[overseas2004]

There is no way on this planet that a woman who is not plenty promiscous would ever do something like that.

 

I can guarantee this has a long history in her past of gang bangs and all sorts of men. She prbly tried to tidy herself up so she could marry you but she slipped .... and luckily you got to see it.

 

You must at the very least put off the wedding?

 

I dont know how you can stay. EWWWWW YUKKKKKK!

[overseas2004]

There is no way on this planet that a woman who is not plenty promiscous would ever do something like that.

 

I can guarantee this has a long history in her past of gang bangs and all sorts of men. She prbly tried to tidy herself up so she could marry you but she slipped .... and luckily you got to see it.

 

You must at the very least put off the wedding?

 

I dont know how you can stay. EWWWWW YUKKKKKK!

[UCFKevin]

Were condoms used? Has she been tested?

 

Jesus. I can't even fathom sticking around after finding out something like that. I'd take back the ring, tell the girl to get the hell out of my life and go become a porn star or something and go to Vegas with the money you get back from the ring.

 

It's such a no brainer. This girl is awful. Being drunk is NOT an excuse. Her inhibitions were released.

 

I mean, one dude is bad enough, but THREE at once? CHRIST.

 

I can't imagine the pain you're in right now. It must be awful. I truly feel for you. But you deserve better than this. She doesn't even care that much and wants to move past it. Ridiculous. She's got problems. Don't become one of them.

[jeff2705]

My gf and I wanted children and could not have them due to me. I suggested that instead of spending tons of money for artificial insem. that she should get pg the normal way with someone else. She met someone with this intention, and after a couple months got pg. The guy didn't know it, and now we have a child which we always wanted. She would go on "dates" with him and tell me everything they did.

 

After he was born, and not wanting anymore children for a while, she went on the pill, but she asked if she could continue this type of thing, the main reason being excitement, fun, etc. So now she sees guys sometimes, and it has become a source of fun and turn-ons for us. It's exciting for me to see her getting ready for a "date", knowing what she will be doing, and hearing about it later. . . .

 

My point in saying all this is that there are all kinds out there, and many different types of successful relationships. Your gf may be one who sincerely loves you and wants you, but wants to still have fun elsewhere also. It's up to you, but you both need to agree to this kind of thing, and what you are wanting to get out of it.

[amerikajin]

Jeff,

 

I think whatever kind of relationship you have - even if it involves other people - is okay as long as the other people know what they're getting themselves into.

 

Just a personal opinion.

[YellowLioness]

It sounds like this guy didn't want hsi girlfriend to boink other people. it wasn't like they were swingers and he knew what she was doing, and approved.

[jmargel]

Wow.. your woman got pregnant with another guy and didn't even tell this guy? What are you going to tell the child? My god, that is selfish.

 

For the guy's fiancee who got gangbanged, it might be hard for you to leave her, since you are still probably in denial, and still trying to remember the good things about her, but what she has done is beyond words. Leave for now and gain your self respect back. You don't deserve that.

[soccorsilly]

It is great that you are both on the same wavelength, but I have to agree that bringing a kid into the picture is wrong. He deserves to know his biological dad. It is reprehensible that you and your gf have unilaterally decided to dupe this child for the rest of his life. I just don't get it.

 

You also say that this is a gf and not a wife. Not that it makes a hill of beans, but a gf status seems a bit more temporary than a wife, but that is your call. What happens if you guys split? Say she runs into financial difficulty? Are you willing to support the kid that is "not yours". I bet not. And I further bet that she will run to the biological father looking for support. The guy is legally on the hook--end of conversation.

 

Might you consider adopting? That might be a reasonable way out of the lying--you can tell the child he was adopted when he is old enough and it won't be a lie.

 

But like I said I just don't get it!

[amerikajin]

The kid does have a right to know his biological father, but just as important is the fact that the biological father has the right to know the situation he's being put into.

 

In this case, he doesn't.

 

That's wrong.

[TempSain]

Three way? - NO WAY! Dump that B@tch!

 

And Jeff, I think you opened a can of worms by letting your GF go out with other men.

She obviously got a taste of it and enjoys it now.

One day, she will find someone better than you and dump you.

What then?

 

Men can have sex with a women without getting emotionally attached but women, eventually always gets emotionally attached.

 

Crazy world we live in.

[amerikajin]

Actually, Tempsain, now that you mentioned it, I think that's a very real possibility.

[TempSain]

Originally posted by amerikajin

Actually, Tempsain, now that you mentioned it, I think that's a very real possibility.

 

Yup, it will be funny if that happens. Not that I want someone to be miserable.

But you play with fire, your bound to get burned.

[valuepacked]

Yes I am alive and overwhelmed by

the amount of responses and support everyone has given.

I know this is probably a "catchy" topic as far as inspiring posts,

but, everyone's posts here have been sincere

and caring and have meant an immeasurable amount

to me and my getting through this.

 

I don't now if I can respond to everybody,

but I will do my best -

 

I am sorry about not responding to everyone

as your responses came forth.

 

the day I posted this situation here,

my fiancee saw me reading responses

and was very angry that I would air such

personal information in public on the internet.

we had a pretty bad argument

have since spent for different nights in a

hotel

 

 

 

By doing that you're sending her the message that you'll put up with just about anything.

 

I don't know this for sure, but I suspect that there's more you're not telling us. I have a feeling that things aren't as rosey between you two as you would like to pretend that they are. Maybe she's kicked you around before but you didn't stand up for yourself, and it was only until now that you saw the writing on the wall.

 

well I am not sure I can put up with this let alone make it through with any self esteem or heart but

I really thought things were fine. More than fine. I thought things were wonderful.

maybe I was failing to see something that should have been obvious but I didn't.

 

 

1. How long have you known her?

 

2. How long before you decided to marry?

 

3. How well do you know her? Do you know stuff about her because you know friends and family or do you just know what she tells you about herself?

 

1 - I have known her for 2 years. The first year was long distance. I met her at a conference.

after a year she moved in with me, quit her job which she hated and was giving her a lot of stress

and we have been living together for the second year.

 

2 - I didn't want to live with her for a long time without at least being engaged so

I proposed and we got engaged approximately 1 month after she moved in

 

3 - well I don't know her friends and family well - but I feel or thought I new her very well

hundreds of hours of discussions and so forth

 

 

At the very least, you must cancel the wedding. Whatever may happen between you two, don't even think about marrying this woman for at least a year, and preferably several.

 

The fact that, drunk or not, she would even consider something so far beyond the pale -- and that she would then expect you to get over it, apparently without an apology or a willingness to talk about it and acknowledge your very understandable pain -- means that, at minimum, she has serious problems setting

"acceptable behavior" boundaries and sticking to them.

 

I think that her lack of apology or her reluctance to talk about this is detail is due to her being in a bit of shock herself and not knowing what to do. I guess she is coping by having denial or at least trying escape thinking about the reality of how terrible of a situation we both are in now.

Also, I have told her that I am not sure I can go through with the wedding as planned.

but I guess I am a bit frozen too. have already lost 2 friends over this - I dont' know where things stand with who I thought was my partner for the rest of my life, and the thought of telling, or, how to tell parents and those already involved in wedding plans a reason if I call it off. I need to get things more straight first. If I am going to marry her eventually, I don't want to create a permanent barrier between her and my family by having everyone know about this.

 

I don't think this was just a "mistake". I could see it being a mistake if it happened with one guy, but with three??? That's just plain over the top. That's just "in your face". The b!tch has no respect for you whatsoever - I don't care if she was drunk.

 

I mean, look at the facts.

 

1. She had a gang bang while you weren't looking.

 

2. She didn't feel guilty enough to tell you about it; you found out about it second-hand.

 

3. When confronted, she showed no contrition; she simply shrugged it off and told you to let it go.

 

Kick the whore to the curb.

 

yes it is messed up! I can't believe this had to happen. I want to soo badly turn back the clock to that day so she could drink less and make better choices and have us out of this mess

I guess I am trying or wanting to believe that she was drunk enough to where she never

had in her mind actually chose or wanted this to happen. several post here express the

belief that a part of her knew what she was doing. maybe this is true, but it kills me if this is true

and I'm trying to hope for a better reason

I dont' know for sure if it would be easier or not if she had told me but I doubt it. I really can't imagine things being any worse. so, i am not sure, since what happened had already happened, that it is important or not that she didn't tell me before someone else did

 

This is not something one does on a whim. She has thought long and hard(fantasized) about doing something like this and saw maybe one last chance to get this out of her system. Where the h*ll was your friend whose house it was at? Should they have discouraged her or made sure that none of their guests were taken advantage of if they were serving alcohol to their guests?

 

I hope you are wrong on this. how could she fantasize about this or want one last chance when our wedding is months away and everything was fine? the friend whose house it was feels really bad and caught in the middle a bit. I asked him, or, drilled him rather on those same questions. He swears he did know it was going on. He was with the group for a while and says that people were getting a little wild and started to play truth or dare or something and that he was tired and didn't want to play, etc. and went downstairs and passed out

 

 

 

Thats a shame that the women who is supposed to love you put you in grave danger of getting an std. Awww how nice...

 

GET YOURSELF TESTED

 

the last thing I want to think possible right now is that I have some ****ing std to remind of this as well

a lot of you mentioned this and now I am worried about it but I can't deal with that possibility right now even though its improbable as I have no symptoms of anything wrong and it has been over a month

I am not planning on having sex with anyone though

and I know at some point I will have to get tested just in case

 

 

 

It sounds like this guy didn't want hsi girlfriend to boink other people. it wasn't like they were swingers and he knew what she was doing, and approved.

 

This is correct. I don't wish to be swingers. I don't wish her to swing and me to hear about it.

I don't wish me to swing. I am not remotely interested in that.

I wish for my life back and wished for a great life with this person.

I wouldn't wish this predicament on my worst enemy.

 

I have read and considered everyones input and support

ready over your thoughts many times actually

this isn't a topic I really wish to make house calls to friends

and acquaintances to vent about or get through so

thank you for listening and your responses mean a lot.

[amerikajin]

I wish for my life back and wished for a great life with this person.

 

The best advice I can give you is to stop wishing and start waking up to reality. It will never be the same.

 

The fact that you're still with this woman -- let alone the fact that you haven't even called off the wedding yet -- disturbs me. But hey, it's your life: if you like getting kicked in the balls and having them say "Oh, sorry" afterwards, then by all means, go ahead with things as planned.

 

You're focussing on the wrong issues here. You're worried too much about being embarrassed about being the guy who got screwed. You're worried about what people are going to think if you do this or if you do that. You're worried about her family.

 

F*ck what other people think; it's time to start paying more attention to your own needs. What do you think, Valuepacked?! Do you trust her right now? Do you feel good knowing that your partner can just go out, f_ck three guys, nonchalantly carry on the next day as if nothing happened and then try to blow it off, acting all indignant when you finally confront her about the truth???

 

Of course not. How could you?

 

What you need to realize is that this was her trial period...and she blew it. You have not invested enough time to be giving her second chances after something like this. If this had been after year ten and you already had children, then I'd say "Yeah, work it out if possible." But you're merely talking about marriage, and from the looks of it, I'd say that whatever she's had to say about the subject isn't too credible.

 

If you go through with this marriage, she (and anyone else in the future that you meet) will respect you less. You will be setting yourself up for this kind of mistreatment in the future. You will have only yourself to blame by giving her a second chance.

 

Don't do it, man. Stand up for yourself. As gracefully as you can, you must initiate separation and you must move on to another stage in your life, and so must she. I would simply tell her that you have enjoyed your time together; that not all of the experiences were bad; that you've learned a lot from this experience; that you wish her the best in her life; but, that also, you don't believe that you could feel good about going into a marriage with someone under these circumstances. Marriage requires the best possible footing going into it and a lot of hard work once you're there.

 

As for what to tell her family, just tell them that you don't feel comfortable marrying her for reasons that you'd rather not discuss. If they press, if they demand explanations, then maybe you can tell them what happened if you so desire. Although, it would be better if she actually faced up to it herself.

[SoleMate]

Good advice, amerikajin. This shouldn't be about telling a confused and hurt guy to "dump the whore"; it should be about trust, and setting the tone for your whole future, and learning how both of you deal with problems (or just try to ignore them).

 

I could see possibly forgiving her if she were truly remorseful, and begged for forgiveness, and you both took major time (6-12 months) to work through this and re-establish a better foundation. But she is not remorseful - and valuepacked, you are still making excuses as to how she is too "embarrassed" to show remorse.

 

When it comes to letting people know "why such a great couple is breaking up"; well, you just give the stock answer. "We both decided it was better like this." That's as much as anyone else needs to know. Your sex life and your relationship should be kept private - even if your (ex-)GF doesn't feel the same.

 

well I don't know her friends and family well - but I feel or thought I new her very well

hundreds of hours of discussions and so forth

 

Next time - next girl - DO get to know her friends and family. One woman can snow you, but a dozen or so people cannot maintain a charade. I know you thought you knew her, and you did to some extent, but just not in depth. You only knew the side of her she chose to show you.

 

And I know what you mean about Loveshack. Some things just CANNOT be discussed with those you usually turn to - they are too explosive to be revealed. Hence, we come here. Our sympathies.

[havNfun]

WOW!

 

Might I suggest a peaceful approach

and that you tattoo her ass with the

work SLUT and introduce her

gang bangin ass super glued

to a bus seat on her way right back

to what ever slut-barn

you had the misfortune

of finding her in.

 

all my sympathy and hang in there

best of luck.

[amerikajin]

the day I posted this situation here, my fiancee saw me reading responses and was very angry that I would air such personal information in public on the internet.

 

She should be apologetic and understanding, not angry.

 

I think that her lack of apology or her reluctance to talk about this is detail is due to her being in a bit of shock herself and not knowing what to do.

 

You're making excuses for her. You're denying what's right in front of you: she smacked you in the face. She moves in with you, moves into your life and ends up f*cking three guys in one night - one of whom was your friend, and another who was a co-worker. No person who has any self esteem would tolerate that.

 

I guess she is coping by having denial or at least trying escape thinking about the reality of how terrible of a situation we both are in now.

 

You're making excuses for her again.

 

yes it is messed up! I can't believe this had to happen. I want to soo badly turn back the clock to that day so she could drink less and make better choices and have us out of this mess

 

You're wishing it didn't happen doesn't undo the fact that it did, in fact, happen. You're still making excuses for her (e.g. "...so she could drink less and make better choices and have us out of this mess."

 

Reality: she didn't do that. What are you gonna do about it? Are you man enough to handle this? Do you respect yourself? Or are you going to be pushed around by this fiancee of yours forever?

 

I guess I am trying or wanting to believe that she was drunk enough to where she never

had in her mind actually chose or wanted this to happen.

 

Yes, that's exactly what you're doing. You're trying to make this somehow seem like an innocent mistake. You're defending her indefensible behavior so well she hardly needs to defend her own behavior. If that's the case, why would she apologize? Don't expect her to be apologetic or remorseful if you keep defending her and making excuses for her. She can sense that you're too weak and needy to take her on, and that's exactly why she's going out and getting gang banged. She doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. She knows that she can do whatever she wants, whenver she wants, and you'll make excuses for her, and you'll say to yourself that things really aren't as bad as the facts obviously say they are. That has to stop, my friend.

 

maybe this is true, but it kills me if this is true and I'm trying to hope for a better reason

 

More wishful thinking which leads to nowhere.

 

I dont' know for sure if it would be easier or not if she had told me but I doubt it. I really can't imagine things being any worse. so, i am not sure, since what happened had already happened, that it is important or not that she didn't tell me before someone else did

 

It wouldn't be any less painful had she told you, but I think that telling you would have been a sign of respect. It might have been at least some sign that she realizes she made a mistake and that she's taking the first step to try to heal the relationship.

 

Instead, all you get from her is more resentment and excuses. Again, that's because she doesn't respect you, and if nothing else, you should remember this: if she doesn't respect you, she doesn't love you, either. That is an immutable law of human nature.

 

I hope you are wrong on this. how could she fantasize about this or want one last chance when our wedding is months away and everything was fine?

 

Aaaaaargh! Don't you get it?!?! Nothing was fine!!! Your wedding means something to you, but it obviously doesn't mean that much to her. Never judge people by what they say; judge people by what they do. Hold everyone to that standard and you will never wonder who your friends are and who they aren't.

 

the friend whose house it was feels really bad and caught in the middle a bit. I asked him, or, drilled him rather on those same questions. He swears he did know it was going on. He was with the group for a while and says that people were getting a little wild and started to play truth or dare or something and that he was tired and didn't want to play, etc. and went downstairs and passed out

 

At least someone feels for you.

 

This is correct. I don't wish to be swingers. I don't wish her to swing and me to hear about it. I don't wish me to swing. I am not remotely interested in that. I wish for my life back and wished for a great life with this person.

I wouldn't wish this predicament on my worst enemy.

 

Wish, wish, wish! Stop wishing. Start demanding respect from others by respecting yourself.