Hurt55 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Hi everyone, just a warning, this post might be long: It's been about 3 weeks since my (ex?) bf of 4 years broke up with me. I was pretty torn up about it and was devastated and a trainwreck as most of us usually are after such things. Here's the link if you wanna know the details. But be warned, its a long one : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/355039-2nd-break-up-what-went-wrong But this post isn't so much about my feelings due to the break up as it's more about how I'm handling it. This is my first break up. I'm 22 (23 in Dec :3) I've never felt this way before and I absolutely despise it. But as the days went on, I've find myself crying less and even able to smile here and there. But I've also noticed that the "In Love" feeling I felt for him is slowly turning into a sense of resentment and anger towards him. Is this normal? I loved him with every inch of my being for 4 years, and now I get pissed in the very mention of his name. I have accepted that the break up happened. I'm still dealing with the realization of him not being in my life anymore and I don't want him back. But there just seems to be so much hate in me. Some of it is the "How can he do this to me" resentment. And the fact that I put so much into the relationship for him to just dump me like yesterdays trash, but I feel like there's something more than just that. I want to say that I hope he finds happiness, but I don't (not right now anyway). I want to say that I'm happy we were able to spend the 4 years together and it was worth it for the memories, but I don't. It just seems all that love I had for him has just turned into anger. I don't let it absorb me. I don't talk to him and I try to stay away from him as much as I can (we have alot of mutual friends and sometimes they invite both of us to hang outs and events) But the anger is still there. Maybe it's the whole forgiveness thing? are you suppose to forgive your ex after they break up with you? Like I said, I don't talk to him (he's texted me like twice about returning our stuff) but he seems fine. Not saying that he shouldn't move on, but he seems like we are ok. i guess as friends? like he just acts like there's no hard feelings. I know he was the one who broke up with me, and I didn't do anything to make him not happy with me, so of course he's gonna feel ok about what's left of our friendship. But I totally am not. I want(ed) us to be friends, but this hate in me is totally not allowing me to feel anything else towards him. All I want to know is this normal? I don't want to be consumed by it nor do I want to burn a bridge with a long term friend and my first love. Do I just need time to heal? And how can I convey to him that I can't handle any positive feelings towards him without sounding like a bitch? Thanks for reading and I really look forward to any replies. I super appreciate everyone on this website and it has been a big part of my healing process. Thanks all!!
KatZee Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Yep, you're normal. Anger is one of the stages of grief. I was in the anger stage for a good 1.5-2 months, out of it now but sometimes it creeps up not where I'm really fueled by it, but I go "UGH he's such a stain." And then I move on with my day. I've got both feet in the "indifference" stage, but occasionally my head likes to peek out around the corner to see what's going on with the anger. It's totally normal but just don't get stuck there, I had a good 2-3 weeks where I was a MONSTER. Rage, and hate, I felt like satan. It consumed me day in and day out until I realized most of the rage i felt, was directed at myself. I hated myself for staying as long as I did, for allowing him to break me down, for allowing him to disrespect me. I had total control of that and I just allowed it all. Once I started to forgive myself is when the anger cloud lifted. 2
amaysngrace Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 There are five stages of loss or grief. Anger is one of them. Here's a link to see that what you're feeling is completely normal and it will help you make some sense of your emotions. Try not to get stuck in one stage though for too long. Accept it to avoid becoming bitter. The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central
Author Hurt55 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Are those 5 stages suppose to be in that order because within the last 2 weeks I've jumped all around that chart
amaysngrace Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I think that's normal to be all over the place. Breaking up with someone is painful and sad. It's okay to feel however you feel. 1
Under The Radar Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Are those 5 stages suppose to be in that order because within the last 2 weeks I've jumped all around that chart It's perfectly normal to bounce around between the different stages. I'd have days where I was depressed, then confused, then angry, then have self-doubt, and then end up at depression/sadness again. With time, you will negotiate all of the different stages; it does get a lot better.
KatZee Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Are those 5 stages suppose to be in that order because within the last 2 weeks I've jumped all around that chart No. That's just a general guideline. You can start anywhere, and end anywhere, and you can also backtrack, skip a step, or go through stages multiple times.
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