2nd break up, WHAT WENT WRONG?! :(

[Hurt55]

Hey guys. Since my break up Sunday, I've found myself just going through these blogs and trying to find just a sliver of something that I can hold on to to help me feel better. I figured the community here was really blunt and pretty good with advice, so I thought I would post here. It's probably going to be a bit long and some of it probably won't be making much sense because I'll be pouring my heart out into this just as it comes into my brains. So I guess that's my disclaimer and I appreciate anybody that takes the time to read it. Here goes?

 

 

Like I stated before, my ex boyfriend of almost 4 years broke up with me last Sunday. He was my first SUPER SERIOUS relationship and I love (loved?) him with all my heart.

 

He actually broke up with me once before about 2 years ago. It was around our 2nd year anniversary and we just always argued! He couldn't take it anymore and broke up with me. I was devastated but I agreed and accepted. The next 3(ish) months crazy amounts of drama went down that eventually led up with him asking me out again. I don't think I could have said yes fast enough. We talked about what we needed to get fixed in the relationship and we did.

 

about 2 years later we were still together. I thought we were going well. An "incident" happened about a month before (nothing too horrible) in which i forgave him and we (i thought) moved on. But since that incident, he just felt like we were two totally different people. Not in interests, but just people as a whole. I loved staying home to cuddle up and watch movies and he would like to go out and socialize. Little things like that. I thought we had it under control. we talked about it a few times, agreed that we were both different in our own ways but that we still wanted to be together and that it wasn't something that we couldn't manage. Besides, I didn't think the "differences" between us were all that big of a deal (I never actually said it really because he thought they were a big deal and I wasn't about to put down his feelings. If he thought they were serious, then I treated them as if they were serious).

 

Ok, so about 2 weeks ago we get into a car accident. No one was hurt thank god, but the car was completely totaled. We didn't live together. He works full time and I go to school full time with a part time job on the weekends. So seeing eachother was already rough, but since I didn't have a car anymore, we definitely didn't have much chance to hang out.

 

The week before the break up, I literally spent all my time either going to school, going to work, or looking for a car. LITERALLY all I did was those three things. I told him that I was completely stressed out and that I didn't really want to talk to him on the phone because I knew that I had a short fuse and that we probably would end up fighting over something stupid.

 

OK, so this was one week of not hanging out and not talking to eachother. Only texting periodically throughout the days of the week. The day before the breakup (saturday) I was feeling frustrated and all I wanted was for us to hang out. Just to chill because I felt like our relationship had been neglected for the past week. So I texted him saying that I felt like we needed to hang out and that I needed to see him and that I thought I have been neglecting the relationship. He texted back that everything was ok. That we were fine and that he was there for me when all this was over. He told me just to focus on what I needed to feel better and that we can hang out sometime soon when we both get a chance. Seems perfectly normal right? like absolutely nothing is wrong right?!

 

That night after I got off work I texted him a sexy picture of me. He texted back telling me how much he missed me and that "he's been feeling some kind of way lately" and thinks hanging out with me will make him feel better (non-sexually). I ask him whats wrong. And it started....

 

He told me how he's been really feeling the stress of our differences lately. That he's been trying to stay positive but that he's starting to feel spent. That he was tired of working so hard for the relationship and that he was conflicted. He wanted to be with me but then he felt like "it would be better if we weren't together right now" (actual quote) He felt like I deserved someone who wanted to be with me 100% and that he didn't want to drag me down. I told him that he wasn't and that all I wanted was us to be together. I told him just to sleep on it and that we would go out tomorrow night and spend some time together. If he still felt this way after that, we could talk about it then. he agreed.

 

The next day (Sunday) I took off work to hang out with him. We were going to go to a movie and everything. But then the whole Sandy storm thing started hitting and we decided that meeting up that night during the storm was a bad idea. So I asked him how he was feeling and he told me that he thinks that we shouldn't be together right now. I got so upset. I asked him things like "how could he do this to me" and "What about everything we had planned" you know, obligatory break up stuff. He just said that he thinks he's doing what he thought was best and though even if I couldn't see it now, it was for the best in the long run. We were suppose to meet up on Monday to break it off officially, but the storm didn't subside until Tuesday.

 

I am so torn up! I'm probably as depressed and upset as someone can get!!! I don't know what happened!! How can you tell me that morning that we "are fine" and that "everything is ok" but 6 hours later you're telling me that we shouldn't be together right now?!!! How can the conversation start with "I miss you btw" and end in "You deserve someone better"!!??!!?!!!? I'm still having a hard time accepting that this is even real! I haven't called him or texted him since then. He texted me once saying that he still has some of my stuff and when will I be free to give back our belongings. SERIOUSLY!? four years and He's fine JUST LIKE THAT?!

 

He's a fantastic person! He loves me, he's supportive, and he's understanding. What more could I possibly deserve?! I know the whole issue is that he was spent (why or how? I don't really know since I never actually got answers...just...feelings). I don't know what went wrong or even where. We were fine for all I know: We weren't arguing, I wasn't smothering him, we had good conversations and good sex life. And if he was feeling the stress, why didn't he say something when I felt like our relationship was stressed. Why tell me it was ok? why lie to me to think that we were fine?! I just don't understand it. Maybe a guy could read this (I know its long) and give me some insight?!

 

He's already deleted me from facebook and removed our pictures from there. I'm having a hard enough time deleting the break up text let alone delete any pictures. How can he be so ok to move on from us. How can he just seem to be able to erase 4 years away so easily. He doesn't seem like he's hurting at all. I mean, I haven't talked to him since the break up (except for "when you getting your stuff" "I'll let you know when I'm free" the end). I'm just so lost and confused and hurt and all I can think about is wanting him back. the first time we broke up, I heard about how hurt we was and how much he missed me. I knew that he was suffering too. He would contact me and we would even hang a few times during the first break up. It's not that I need him to suffer to feel loved, but I just don't know how he can be ok with this. I want him back so badly and to me, he just seems confused. But he acts like this is it and that he never wants to see me again. I love this man with all my heart. and I know he still loves me (even if he's not IN love with me anymore).

 

I just need some advice. Blunt advice. Does he really seem confused? Or is this guy speak for I never want to see you again. I don't know what happened. We were suppose to meet up Thursday to exchange stuff. I was going to try and get some closure then. But something came up and I couldn't go. I think we re-scheduled for Monday, but even that's iffy. I feel so hurt. I just want to run up and punch him in the face. Maybe knock some sense back into him. Half of our friends (we have a pretty big mutual circle) feels like he just needs some space and time to himself and that he'll probably come back to me. While the other half of our friends tell me that it's over and that they don't think he's coming back this time. I know my chances of us getting back together are greatly diminished because this is the second break up. But at least I understood what happened the first time!! I just want us to be together so badly. I poured my whole soul into this man. I'm still keeping up NC even though I feel like I'm tearing my heart out by doing so. And I've been trying to focus on me. But I wake up feeling absolutely horrible, find myself crying over and over again each day and I can barely eat without feeling like I'm about to throw up. I know I said I need advice, but I don't even know what thats going to do. I've heard everyone tell me that one day I'll just be over him. But I don't want to be over him. I want to be with him. I don't want to accept that after everything we've been through that this is how it ends! I've tried to accept this for the past week, but it just doesn't feel real. Maybe something one of you wonderful readers will say that'll make me see. I don't know. I'm just desperate to feel better. To feel anything but this hurt and anguish.

 

Thanks for reading and any words are greatly appreciated. Like I said, I'm staying strong in the NC and that's taking every once of my strength to do that. I guess one step at a time huh? :(

[ruhrohcd]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Any advice will pass through the spectrum of whoever is offering it.

 

That said, in what time of year did the last breakup occur? If it was around the same time of year, you may want to consider the effects of Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. You could also look into Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or ROCD.

 

I broke up with someone I was intensely in love with three times over five years before I finally used the nuclear option of leaving her for someone else, someone I would have never been interested in if in my right mind. I recovered several months later, but my fiancée had moved on to someone else.

 

Here I am 10 years later, still struggling with myself. I now know that I was sick at the time. I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, OCD, and perhaps general anxiety disorder. If you think any of those could be the case with the person you're in love with, please gently try to suggest that he get help.

[puzzled1]

Okay, I wanna let you know I read your whole story and just like any breakups, this one is also hard and confusing.

 

 

Honestly speaking, I will tell you why this is happening from a man's perspective. This is just my opinion so this might not be the case but from one my previous relationships I was (kind of) in the same boat.

 

 

Okay so even though you guys were happy in your relationship, subconsciously he was not. Even though you guys probably made plans to get married and future plans and blah blah, deep down he knew it wasn't going to happen so he lied to you. He might have not told you about a big secret that he was maybe embarrassed of, or he might have done something that he regretted and knows you will have a very hard time understanding that. Even though you might be okay with it, he will always feel judged and not the same so he wants to cut ties. He was probably so happy because of the comfort you shared with him that he prolonged the relationship. He knew this day was coming and he kept something from you. (I know you want to know what could it be?? I will be fine with it!! but in his head he does not want to work things out with you.) He saw that you needed some time away from him because of stress and he thought this is the perfect time to start what he truly wanted. He did not treat you right because he did not give it his all into the relationship and you did so you shouldn't be ashamed of that! You have to keep your ground by NC because that will only kill him from his own guilt!

 

You need to figure out whats going on with your life, check out different cars, go test drive them, get some enjoyment out of it and take it one day at a time. Keep yourself busy at work and school and hang out with your loved ones whenever possible.

 

 

I am sure there was probably one thing you always wanted to do that you couldnt. DO THAT!!! He lost something great and you deserve much better, keep telling yourself that and lastly, fake it till you make it!

 

This was just my scenario so don't think thats exactly what happened to you. Keep your head up and enjoy yourself because he doesn't deserve your happiness

[blue_jay_bird]

I like what puzzled1 said.

 

My ex left me just like that. Without a fight.

 

puzzled1 said.

 

"We" where happy. But...subconsciously he was not. Even though you guys probably made plans to get married and future plans and blah blah, deep down he knew it wasn't going to happen so he lied to you. He might have not told you about a big secret that he was maybe embarrassed of, or he might have done something that he regretted and knows you will have a very hard time understanding that.

 

It's good he left before he cheated. Cause he felt like a caged monkey. Wanting to spread his seed. lol.. Guy's spaz out when things get serious. It's normal. So normal that this form is crawling with these girls. Where as girl normally leave guy's cause they are jerk's and cheated on them. I sound like a child the way i stereotype. BECAUSE every situation is different.

 

WHAT WENT WRONG?!.... well he's not ready or doesn't want to be with you for the long hall (not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you. You could be a angel on earth (hell my ex called me a angel all the time) and he will still be like...i wonder what else there is) (cause THEY are not rdy) (It's not you, don't try to "fix" your self by becoming what he wants).

 

BUT the facts are.

 

1) He does not want to work things out/ or be with you. (It's not the end of the world)

 

2) The more you try to "work" things out the more he will pull away (let go)

Edited November 3, 2012 by blue_jay_bird

[KatZee]

So... I just read that entire thing, and my heart is pounding. I completely empathize with you, it brought me right back to my split... it sounds vaguely familiar but not completely like mine... however, I'm going to be the bearer of bad news here.

 

I honestly would not be surprised if there is someone else.

 

Before you start the, "He loves me so much! We spent so much time together! He would never do that because I know him!" --- hear me out. We never truly know anybody, and I think that's the reason you're just CONFUSED right now. Nothing makes sense. One day he's "fine" the next he's saying you shouldn't be together. Just like that he deleted you out of his life, off his FB and is scheduling to return your stuff... no other questions asked.

 

The key thing he said that stuck out to me was: "You deserve someone better."

 

It's in my gut feeling that something happened. It may not have been physical, but I feel something may have happened with another person, or he wants to explore with that other person and he's been keeping it from you, and that's why it's completely out of the blue.

 

My ex cheated on me, and he acted and he said a lot of these same things to me. Only to confess later to cheating on me. I did decide to stay with him (huge mistake) and he wound up leaving me much like this. One day he's OK the next, done. Saying things like, "You deserve someone who..." I found out about a month and a half later that he had met a girl at his new job. No doubt he met her while with me, and I believe he left me for her. After 3 years, just like that. Deleted me, asked about returning my stuff, and I never heard from him again.

 

I think he may have been unhappy for a while--- he was unhappy two years ago, and you guys may have prematurely gotten back together... that leads to resentment and that may have been building up in him for a while despite outward appearances. My ex did this same thing, on the outside he was all loving, planning things, and the next he was done. Like a switch.

 

I think if you wait around long enough and watch, you're going to start finding things out that you didn't know were going on.

 

What I also thought about my relationship and one of the reasons I think my guy left me, is because he couldn't stay in a relationship and see the destruction he caused a second longer. When he confessed to the cheating, my behavior did a 180. I didn't look at him lovingly anymore. I was crying all the time. Angry. I don't think he was able to look me in the face and own up to what he did to me. So he let me go.

 

Maybe yours is hiding something and instead of coming clean, instead of hurting you that way, he just let you go.

[lookingback]

Well I was gonna post my breakup story about why I kept breaking up with her but I think I can answer your perfectly. If you want to find out if he has someone else you need to get a hold of him and talk in person. Don't be hostile just try and get a hold of him set up a time (like ASAP) and sit down with him. Ask him why he feels the way he does and that you wont judge him for anything he says. Tell him you love him and that you just need to know what he is truly thinking so that you're not stuck in the dark. If he was like me it seems that he isn't feeling like your really serious sometimes about the relationship because you might have made him feel unimportant during that week you spent apart. Guys who are in love want to be there for you when you are at your worst and when you pushed him away by needing space for a week he could have taken it hard and thought you didn't care enough about him to let him in when you were feeling down. He might be using this breakup to get a reaction out of you but he needs to know you are there for him. To get your answer just tell him that you DO NOT WANT to break up and you want to fight for this relationship. Talk it out with him and listen. If by an hour or so he doesn't want to work it out then he either has someone else or magically has gotten over you but I doubt it. I think he might feel underappreciated. If he still loves you then he is waiting for you to make the first move. Its a crappy way to get someones attention but some people do this to get a reaction from their partners because they can't or are afraid to communicate.

[Hurt55]

Hey everyone. I would like to thank all of you who read this and REALLY appriciate all the advice everyone gave me.

 

So I guess to sum up the broad idea of what everyone is saying is that he pretty much had something hidden from me whether it was physical or otherwise and instead of confronting me and dealing with the possible consquences, he decided that it wasn't worth it and just left.

 

It hurts to hear something like that especially since he and I planned our futures together for the past 4 years, but I guess that's really the only possible explaination.

 

I would like to update (anybody who reads this) that today is officially day 7 since the break up and I haven't cried yet today. I'm a little proud of that, but I know that I'll probably be crying again tomorrow morning (Mornings seem to be the hardest)

 

Also, we scheduled for Monday after he gets off of work to meet up and return our stuff. I asked him if we could take some time and talk. He said that's fine.

 

I'm not exactly sure what to talk about? I still really don't know what happened between us. I mean, I have your wonderful observations as an idea of what happened, but I still feel like I would like to hear it from him. I don't know if he's actually going to give me and answer, but my friends keep pushing on the fact that I need closure...so I guess that's what I want.

 

So what do I say?? Just, "Hey, what happened"? I don't want to cry and I DEFINATELY don't want to beg for him to come back. But I don't want to leave the conversation even more angry or hurt.

 

Any advice on what to say? I really want to know what happened. I want to feel like this chapter is officially shut with all of the plot points made. Not some cliffhanger of an ending.

 

I would really like to hear more people's thoughts. I would write more (like I didn't write enough >__<) but I have to go to work.

 

Again, Thanks guys. Really love this site and all of the supporting people!!