Sex with the ex, where to go from here?

[df1304]

I was scared to post this at first because I was afraid of judgement, but I feel like I have to talk to someone about this and I don't want to tell any of my friends in real life just yet.

 

This is all happening with the same guy from this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/332549-i-got-played-hes-rubbing-thinks-its-funny

 

A few days ago, I got a text from my ex's mom telling me that he wanted to talk. I asked her why and she said that he "wanted to clear some things up" but that she didn't know what was going on either.

 

I can't even describe how nervous, excited, weird, scared I felt at that point. I wondered if I was going to get an apology. I didn't know what to expect - I hadn't contacted him, seen him, or anything over the past six months. I basically erased him from my life, blocked him from everything, deleted everything to do with him. It was like he was coming back from the dead out of the blue, just because he wanted to talk to me - HE wanted to talk to ME. Anyway, I added him after some deliberation and we just talked. It's funny, I always thought that if he ever reached out and got in touch, I would keep my distance and maybe just give short, polite answers at the most. Tell him I didn't think it was a good idea to be friends. I don't know, but that's not what happened.

 

He asked me how life was treating me. He asked me if I'd had any men in my life, if I was doing well in school and if I was happy. I told him I was doing great, that I had casually dated a bit and that I was talking to someone right now and thinking of having a relationship with him (which is true). He said he had dated "two hoes" since we broke up and that it "didn't really work out" with either of them. He said that he is "constantly changing these days" and that for a while he thought he'd wanted to sleep around and party, but that he had gotten it out of his system and figured out that it wasn't really for him and that he didn't like sluts. He said that when we broke up, he had never really cheated on me, and that in the year and a half or so that we had been dating, he hadn't even thought about having sex with me at first, but that he started "getting ideas" in those last few months and decided to break it off for that reason.

 

Anyway, after that we just talked about what we've each been doing in the past six months and basically just caught up. He has two jobs right now as opposed to being unemployed when we were dating, he has been clean (no drugs) for seven months, and he generally seems to have grown up a bit. We talked for hours and hours, joked around, and acted like we were friends again. Then he asked me if I'd like to go out with him, and of course I said yes, because I'm me, and because I thought it would be interesting to see him again. So the next day, I got my best friend to cover for me, picked him up, and we basically went on a date.

 

I know what you're probably thinking, and yes, I knew what this would lead to. Yes, we had sex, and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed seeing him again, I enjoyed touching him again, and I enjoyed the fact that he seemed to enjoy it. I tried to be as cool and calm as possible in my mind. I told myself, "this probably doesn't even mean anything, but you knew it wouldn't, and you agreed to it anyway, so just be in the moment and don't think too much yet."

 

Anyway, I got back home and of course I started feeling a little weird. Again, I tried not to think about it that much. I sent him a text asking, "what are we right now? was this a one-time thing?" and his response was "i'd like to do it every so often".

 

Again, I felt weird... but not necessarily bad. I would do it again. I thought of it this way, I knew what would happen, I agreed to it, I wasn't tricked or mislead in any way, so why should I feel bad or guilty? Here is the thing: I sort of want a relationship with him now, I want this to turn into that, possibly. I think we're going to meet up again, but I don't know when. When we do, I'm going to talk to him about it. I'm going to say I like him, but that I don't want to keep just meeting up and having sex if it isn't going to turn into a real relationship sometime soon. I'm going to tell him that if it does, I need to know that I can really trust him and make sure he knows that this time it would be on MY TERMS, I had no control the first time around and I'm NOT putting myself in that position again. I mentioned this earlier, but I'm kind of talking to a guy right now, a really sweet guy. We're only good friends at this point, but I can feel that we're getting closer, and I need to know what to do. If my ex and I have hope of getting back together, I need to act accordingly and stop the friendship from getting much closer. If my ex doesn't want a relationship and just wants to be friends with benefits, I need to cut that off, because I want a relationship and it wouldn't be fair to continue to lead the other boy on while this is going on behind his back.

 

Opinions? Advice? Thank you for reading. I hope you all don't think I'm completely stupid and crazy for all of this. Maybe I am, I don't know.

Edited November 14, 2012 by df1304

[The_Face]

You sound like you have the right idea, at this point. Lay it all out on the line. If you want a relationship with him, go for it. And depending on his feelings about that, you'll know where to go from here.

 

Personally, I don't think the friends with benefits thing would work out. It would be one thing if you two had just met and assumed that sort of relationship without any prior romantic history. But the fact you two dated adds alot of other feelings into the mix, most of which would eventually cause problems and you two would probably walk away hating eachother.

 

OP, you also sound confused. You want to keep your options open, it seems. Which isn't a bad thing, but you'll end up half-assing both relationships. You'll be an easy lay to your ex and an emotionally unavailable lover to your new catch.

 

Maybe you should take the sex out of either relationship. Stop with the ex and don't give it up just yet to the new one. It'll make things more clear for you, I think, and you can make a decision based on your heart and not your crotch.

 

My advice is probably all over the place, I just woke up. You're situation sounds all fine and dandy for the time being, I'd just be careful. This could all turn around for the worse in the blink of an eye, if you don't protect your emotions and figure out exactly who and what you want in a relationship.

[I'm nuts]

for a while he thought he'd wanted to sleep around and party, but that he had gotten it out of his system and figured out that it wasn't really for him and that he didn't like sluts.

 

 

 

 

oh, ha ha, that is so funny.

[flitzanu]

just because he slept with you doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you.

 

he even said "i'd like to do this every so often".

 

welcome to being a booty call. so when he can't get laid at the bar, he'll be calling you.

[df1304]

just because he slept with you doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you.

 

he even said "i'd like to do this every so often".

 

welcome to being a booty call. so when he can't get laid at the bar, he'll be calling you.

 

Does this all have to mean just one thing, though? Is there really no hope that maybe we could get back together?

 

Again, the next time he contacts me I'm going to tell him that I don't just want to be friends with benefits. If we're never getting back together, I think we would have to go NC again. I'm really, really hoping that he was telling the truth about "getting it out of his system". If not, my mistake. I'll stay away and move on.

[flitzanu]

Does this all have to mean just one thing, though? Is there really no hope that maybe we could get back together?

 

Again, the next time he contacts me I'm going to tell him that I don't just want to be friends with benefits. If we're never getting back together, I think we would have to go NC again. I'm really, really hoping that he was telling the truth about "getting it out of his system". If not, my mistake. I'll stay away and move on.

 

if you were getting back together, would you be together now?

 

no, he banged you, you asked "what are we?" he reinforced again that no, you're not together, but he certainly intends to bang you again randomly. that means you get to sit by the phone and wait til he's ready to bang you and then leave again.

 

sexual intimacy DOES NOT EQUAL emotion.

[df1304]

if you were getting back together, would you be together now?

 

no, he banged you, you asked "what are we?" he reinforced again that no, you're not together, but he certainly intends to bang you again randomly. that means you get to sit by the phone and wait til he's ready to bang you and then leave again.

 

sexual intimacy DOES NOT EQUAL emotion.

 

I think you're right.

 

I was doing so well after six months of NC. Why is it that after all the time I spent getting over him and being with people who actually care about me, and believing more and more every day that I didn't need him and that I'd never talk to him again... he comes back to bother me and suddenly I can't think straight? It's like when it comes to him, I have no control over my actions. All logic and reason goes out the window. No other person has ever had that effect on me in my life. I wish he'd leave me alone, and I wish I could just say no when he DOES come back.

[Lisa_Lisa]

He's going to use you whenever he feels horny. He doesn't want a relationship. Just sex. Do not be at his beck and call. You obviously have feelings for him. Please remember having sex with him will not make him into your boyfriend, just his own personal toy he doesn't have to care about or share feelings with. You're better than this. Put your dignity first.

[TheFinalWord]

 

A few days ago, I got a text from my ex's mom telling me that he wanted to talk. I asked her why and she said that he "wanted to clear some things up" but that she didn't know what was going on either.

 

What the? He had his mom text you? This guy even plays his mom. Scum bag IMHO. Sorry for you, don't bother with him anymore.