This girl I met 18 months ago...Fate or Forget it?

[kaylan]

Excuse the length. Im not one for summaries sometimes. Skip to the bottom if you want.

 

Back in spring 2011 I was in my second to last semester of university. I was walking through the halls towards the coffee shop and met this girl. I dont exactly recall why we started talking, but I think it might have been me helping her find something, or that I commented on something cool she was wearing.

 

Anyways, we got to talking, and there was just a great click. She was really smart and down to earth. And not to mention, very cute. As we talked I got that feeling in my chest...that feeling I get what I know Im really into a girl with no questions asked. That rare "it" feeling. However midway through our convo she mentioned she was new on campus.

 

So while she did look older than a freshman, I assumed she was one based on her saying she was new to the school. So I didnt ask her out as I thought Id be too old for her. I didnt start college until I was 20, so when we met I was 24. And I generally have a "3 up, 3 down" rule for relationships. And considering the click we had, I wouldnt have wanted to just hook up with her. But I assumed she was 18, and that felt too young for me to seriously date.

 

So we finished our convo, and said wed see each other around. It was either late April or early May when we met, so the semester was ending. And over the next couple days I felt dumb for not capitalizing on things. I thought thered be a chance she was an older transfer student who was new on campus and that my freshman assumption could be wrong seeing as it was the spring and freshies start in the fall. And also transfers tend to be incoming older juniors from community colleges around the area.

 

So I thought I might as well get to know her better and see if thats the case. But I didnt see her around after we met. And because I was going to stay in school for the summer semester, Id have graduated by the time everyone gets back in the fall. So I made a last ditch effort and made a craigslist ad in the "missed connections" section hoping shed somehow think to go on CL and look browse the section.

 

Anyways, fast forward a year and a half later to this September. I had been working part time for my friends startup company which is in the same town as my alma mater. So Id go visit a couple friends after work days since they dont graduate until December. One of those days, the girl I met last year comes to see my friends while Im hanging out with them. Apparently shes in the same major as one of them, and in a campus organization with them too.

 

So I go "hey do you remember me?". And she goes "Of course I remember you *my name*". I was impressed she remembered my name seeing as my real life name is foreign and people tend to mispronounce it and forget it if they dont know me well. So I just let her talk business with my friend, and then the girl left and I started to gush to them over how into this chick I was. And fawn over how smart and mature she was. So since I dont live at the college town anymore, I had my friend run matchmaker and find out stuff for me. Turns out the girl thought I was cute and was surprised I even remembered her.

 

So our mutual friend told me to go for it and ask her out. But now hes the lame part. My friend had be believing at first that the girl I like was around her age (21/22). Turns out the girl turns 20 this month. Meanwhile I turned 26 last month. That presents problems for me, because I think a 6 year age gap is kinda substantial.

 

Now I know normally guys dont care about certain age gaps, but for me, I tend to see people under 21 as kids. I just do, and its based off of the fact that we are in different stages of life and they tend to be immature. Sure this girl was very mature and seemed older than I thought she was when we met, but I still dont know her well yet.

 

In my last relationship, my ex was 19/20 at the time, and I was 22/23. And even though it was only a few years difference, Ive already dealt with the problems that comes with dating a girl whos that young. They behave a lot differently in relationships than a 23 to 26 year old woman would. And tbh, though Im not rushing to get into a relationship and have enjoyed my singledom...this girl is someone Id either date seriously, or just be friends with. We dont relate in a way that I could see myself just hooking up with her...and usually girls who are 20 arent looking for anything serious.

 

Also, though shes graduating early than her peers, Im in a different life phase. Shell be just graduating this coming spring, and Ill be working and trying to get a foothold in my career. And I also feel Id have trouble relating to her on certain things...like childhood, music, etc. I mean...with people closer to your age, you grew up on the same stuff, and tend to like similar things....Id have loads to talk about. With people much younger or older than me, I notice theres a disconnect when it comes to talking about certain things. And lets be real...being able to relate on childhood nostalgia is fun to do with someone youre dating.

 

And besides the life stage stuff...Ill be honest and say I have a hard time taking people much younger than me seriously. I had trouble doing so with my ex, even though she was only 3 years younger than me, because she was soooo naive and new to a lot of dating and relationship situations. So it was kinda like dating someone 6 years younger than me at the time. While I was quite impressed with how smart and mature this new girl seemed when weve talked, I still know the age thing will bother me in the future. Because I know if she does something immature, Ill prolly think in my head "I did that when I was her age" or "jeez immature".

 

This isnt to say Im super mature myself. I can be an immature goofball, but Id still feel a lot more comfortable if she was at least 22/23. Because its weird to see someone as a youngin, and itll be weirder if I start noticing differences in our life stages.

 

The big confusion for me is that she gave me that gut "I know I wanna date you" feeling that Ive only had twice in my life from my two exes. However, with my exes also came a warning from my gut telling me to watch out for a couple cautions. But I ignored both cautions and followed my impulsive emotions and things ended with both girlfriends due to the things my gut originally cautioned me about. And right now my gut is cautioning me regarding this age gap. I mean...20 is a very different mind from 23 or 26. I changed a lot as a person from each of those ages to the next.

 

So what do you think? Im thinking I MIGHT give her a chance to prove me wrong, and have a coffee with her....because us meeting again kinda feels like "fate"(not that I believe in fate much). But my gut is still telling me to be careful, and the last two times I ignored my guts cautions, those things played out the way I thought they would in the relationship.

 

Thoughts?

Edited November 8, 2012 by kaylan

[ThaWholigan]

Forget the age and take her on a date dude. Don't even think of it as "fate" that might jinx it .

 

I lost my virginity to a 19 year old a few weeks shy of 24 . And I was the same, I wouldn't date younger than 21 once I hit that age.

[kaylan]

Im not talking about just having sex though

[ThaWholigan]

Im not talking about just having sex though

I know, but my sentiment is the same. Date her, at this point you have nothing to lose IMO. It's not a massive age difference, she might surprise you. Just don't go in with expectations.

[Leigh 87]

hahahahaha

 

You can go on craiglist on a "missed connections" section?

 

Sorry, I just never heard of such a thing!

 

And a 6 year age gap is not important, seeing as she is smart and mature.

Age only matters if it is illegal and/or the chick is simply not mature enough.

....If you rarely get that feeling about girls, and she is so clever and attractive to you, why not make the most of the opportunity?

 

 

If your that into someone, don't let silly things get in you way; life is TOO short...

[Leigh 87]

Your exes may have not been right for you for reasons other than age related issues.

 

Maybe sometimes it is meant to be despite age differences?

 

If their worth it to you, maybe you could enjoy being with her enough to overlook for the age related issues.

[Balzac]

Seems that a couple factors work in your favor. #1 your friends seem to know her. #2. She's ahead of the cycle as she showed up early and is leaving college early, so smart and possibly more mature? #3. Sounds as if you may have common professional interests?

 

She must be about to do her job search or applying to grad school. Either way it's possible she'll be leaving the area or busy getting started in her next tasks.

 

Coffee is easily a way to check out your gut feeling and yet nothing beyond coffee is easy too. Common friends, job busy, whatever.

 

Maybe what you're saying is getting involved at the breaking point of end education, move into big girl job, your'rs not interested in present time if she's going to relocate?

 

I'd be likely to go for coffee and get a better idea of her timeline. Career focus can change maturity. Dating mid twentyish woman can get you into the husband hunting types. It's all over the map with girls who are 25ish.

Edited November 8, 2012 by Balzac
Ask her for a coffee.

[Ruby Slippers]

Do it! I think you're way overthinking this.

 

My fella is 5 years younger than me but acts like a 50-year-old man most of the time. I dated a guy 10 years older than him who didn't have his life even halfway as together, was nowhere near as mature.

 

If she's too much of a kid for you, it won't take long to figure it out. A date is just a date, a fun stretch of time to hang out with a cool girl. Nothing wrong with that, whichever way things end up going.

 

Have fun!

[Leigh 87]

Hmm I am really drawn to the age thing..... Hence all my posts on the one thread:o:o

 

I think true love can withstand a few gaps in conversations when it comes to certain age related topics....

 

Surely there are far MORE things to draw you together, than there are things in conversations what come about due to age gaps?

[AlexDP]

Don't do it. She'll soon find out what you're really like and then you have to cover yourself and things will get ugly fast.

[Mrlonelyone]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. The untold part of this story of mine(http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/355724-so-dance-workplace-like-courtship) is that I met the person in it a couple years ago much the way you did.

 

I say go for it. I have a good friend who's got a 9 year age gap between her and her husband. I can think of dozens of married couples who are like that. Yes there will be some disconnect because of that difference but it does not have to kill your relationship.

 

I don't believe in fate though.

[kaylan]

Don't do it. She'll soon find out what you're really like and then you have to cover yourself and things will get ugly fast.

???

...........riiiight

[veggirl]

I do see what you mean about a 20 yr old, if you guys were to get serious will she be ready to settle down in a few years or will she think "whoa I'm still only 23 and I have been in a relationship all of my 20s so far" or something...yeah I would weary, but the fact that you felt this spark thinger still a year and a half later...why not at least get to know her, see where she is at as far as what she wants / is looking for. Graduating college early is a cool sign, I'd say it indicates maturity.

[kaylan]

^yeah thats what bothers me. Though Im not ready to settle down just yet, I do imagine that if I am ready to settle into a nice relationship at 30, Id have lived out most of my 20s without being tied down. And a girl this much younger than me wouldnt have had that chance yet. So it has been something Ive thought about.

[kaylan]

UPDATE:

 

So I asked her for her phone number through a fb message. Had to do it this way since I dont visit my alma mater's town enough whered Id have the chance to run into her again.

 

She tells me she appreciates that I asked, gives me her number, but then says I should know that shes seeing someone at the moment and that shes not interested. But then she says however shes flattered and gives me a smile.

 

Im confused. Why extend the number? Why tell my friend how Im cute and how we had a good conversation when we met? Granted Im not on campus and I didnt ask for her number till two weeks after my friend spoke to her about me...but why even given me your number if your seeing someone else? I made it obvious why I wanted it and even told her I meant to ask her for it when we first met.

 

Im gonna back off and just let her do her thing, and me do my thing...but I am a tad confused. Meh oh wells.

[ThaWholigan]

UPDATE:

 

So I asked her for her phone number through a fb message. Had to do it this way since I dont visit my alma mater's town enough whered Id have the chance to run into her again.

 

She tells me she appreciates that I asked, gives me her number, but then says I should know that shes seeing someone at the moment and that shes not interested. But then she says however shes flattered and gives me a smile.

 

Im confused. Why extend the number? Why tell my friend how Im cute and how we had a good conversation when we met? Granted Im not on campus and I didnt ask for her number till two weeks after my friend spoke to her about me...but why even given me your number if your seeing someone else? I made it obvious why I wanted it and even told her I meant to ask her for it when we first met.

 

Im gonna back off and just let her do her thing, and me do my thing...but I am a tad confused. Meh oh wells.

Options, options.

 

I know this game from experience. She might give you a thought or a call when her BF is f*cking up.

[kaylan]

Options, options.

 

I know this game from experience. She might give you a thought or a call when her BF is f*cking up.

Well screw that. Im no ones option. And she cant call anyways. She doesnt have my number and I dont plan on texting or calling her. Im just gonna let her do her thing with her guy. It wouldnt be appropriate for me to be hitting her up seeing as Im interested in her. Might as well let things be.

[ThaWholigan]

Well screw that. Im no ones option. And she cant call anyways. She doesnt have my number and I dont plan on texting or calling her. Im just gonna let her do her thing with her guy. It wouldnt be appropriate for me to be hitting her up seeing as Im interested in her. Might as well let things be.

Precisely.

 

I came with the length of my cock to being that "option" once. I'm glad I didn't go forth - although I sometimes think that I may be wrong about that situation, but now that I know a lot more about things, I doubt it .

[kaylan]

It does kinda suck though. I have crappy timing. I did feel like we clicked. Oh wells.

[ThaWholigan]

It does kinda suck though. I have crappy timing. I did feel like we clicked. Oh wells.

Well be glad it wasn't like my situation. I crushed on that girl for 3 years prior to that. To come so close to potentially f*cking her and then have to bail because of my ethics was hard .

[ScreamingTrees]

Well, if you were to become an option in the future, it just goes to show that you could've just as easily been the boyfriend in such a scenario. Is it worth it? She otherwise seemed like someone you should've taken the chance on.. If you're confident that you'd be able to contribute to a healthy relationship, and I think you obviously would be able to.. She'd probably learn more from you than a string of immature guys..

[ThaWholigan]

Well, if you were to become an option in the future, it just goes to show that you could've just as easily been the boyfriend in such a scenario. Is it worth it? She otherwise seemed like someone you should've taken the chance on.. If you're confident that you'd be able to contribute to a healthy relationship, and I think you obviously would be able to.. She'd probably learn more from you than a string of immature guys..

Probably, but it's too late in the game now. Also, it's telling that she was willing to give him a number even though she's "not interested". Believe it or not, some girls do sh*t like that to psychologically absolve themselves from thinking they initiated something they shouldn't have. Again, it happened to me. I got the BF speech, and still ended up staying the night the next day. It's worth mentioning that at that stage, I was still a complete noob and horrible with women, so it was no surprise that nothing happened.

 

It took a little while to heal the personal embarrassment that I had felt, also knowing I would never get anything close to another chance with the only girl I was actually interested in at that time. Even now I've gotten over it from eons ago, it's a shame - she was really hot and still is .

[kaylan]

Well, all I can do is fade out and maybe shell try to get in touch with me in the future. As for now Im not going to text or call her. Shes seeing someone so I dont think itd be right to do so.

 

Btw, I think her giving me her number was just her being friendly, and then she was honest about her availability. I mean...if she said "no I dont think I should give you my number, Im seeing someone" that would be kinda awkward.