So is this the dance of a workplace like courtship?

[Mrlonelyone]

Earlier I asked a young woman at my school, which is my place of work, had several good conversations and a good connection. She volunteered information about her childhood and growing up an so did I. Inspite of being different ages and different races we had lots in common.

 

Yet when I asked her if she was available she said she was sort of seeing someone, and confessed that she wasn't gay....that liking me might mean she were lesbian etc.

 

We both agree'd that this would not become public knowledge and we wouldn't act wierd about it.

 

 

Since then we have become really truly friendly. Plus there is a sexual tension to our interactions that it is plain other people have detected. It makes people blush and giggle. It's very flirty very fun, much of the time.... then one or the other of us will pull back so we can work. Sometimes it's her sometimes it's me.

 

We help eachother with projects. We also work with other people, but almost always both of us. No one assigns us to do this we just do. We make reasons to spend time together. We also flirt a little with other people, both of us, but there seems to be more to it when it's both of us. The body language is flirtatious from both of us.

 

The whole thing reminds me of other times I had something start at work or school. It's been a while since that happened in that setting so I am unsure.

 

My questions:

 

*Could her initial rejection have been more about her issues with what liking me might mean about her? (This happens to me often with all manner of people.)

 

*Does it sound like there is a certain level of mutual attraction?

 

 

Yes I have wrote about this person here before, wondering if there was any way to just be friends without the feelings or was NC needed, trying to interpret that odd rejection.

[Mrlonelyone]

No one wants to answer here?

[Mrlonelyone]

Bump.

 

Come on really? Even if one has a negatory opinion it could help me to hear it.

[kerme]

Since then we have become really truly friendly. Plus there is a sexual tension to our interactions that it is plain other people have detected. It makes people blush and giggle. It's very flirty very fun, much of the time....

 

We make reasons to spend time together. We also flirt a little with other people, both of us, but there seems to be more to it when it's both of us. The body language is flirtatious from both of us.

 

 

My questions:

 

*Could her initial rejection have been more about her issues with what liking me might mean about her? (This happens to me often with all manner of people.)

 

*Does it sound like there is a certain level of mutual attraction?

 

Mr.Lonely I'll take a stab at this. Look at the parts I highlighted from you original post. Yes there is a certain level of mutual attraction- loads from the sound of it . As for the reason for her initial rejection, that's hard to say. Maybe it had to do with all the differences you two have? The important thing is that your relationship with her has bloomed into something else. Don't focus on that initial rejection. It doesn't matter now, right? Where would you like your relationship/friendship with her to go?

[carhill]

*Could her initial rejection have been more about her issues with what liking me might mean about her? (This happens to me often with all manner of people.)

 

IMO, her issues

 

*Does it sound like there is a certain level of mutual attraction?

 

She likes that you like her. Given the circumstances, presuming she's aware of your situation, it's a bit 'exotic' for her. Titillating.

 

I'd remain open to other potentials and enjoy the situation but not invest in it without more clarity and sincerity from the other side. Proactive clarity and sincerity, with actions supporting words.

[Mrlonelyone]

Some combination of your advice's is what I have been doing. I am not going to invest my heart in this person unless I see concrete investment from them. Yet I cannot close this door, and can't close any other doors based on what has happened.

 

People are not always eager to jump right into it.

 

*Could her initial rejection have been more about her issues with what liking me might mean about her? (This happens to me often with all manner of people.)

 

IMO, her issues

 

*Does it sound like there is a certain level of mutual attraction?

 

She likes that you like her. Given the circumstances, presuming she's aware of your situation, it's a bit 'exotic' for her. Titillating.

 

I'd remain open to other potentials and enjoy the situation but not invest in it without more clarity and sincerity from the other side. Proactive clarity and sincerity, with actions supporting words.

[kerme]

Some combination of your advice's is what I have been doing. I am not going to invest my heart in this person unless I see concrete investment from them. Yet I cannot close this door, and can't close any other doors based on what has happened.

 

People are not always eager to jump right into it.

 

What type of concrete investment are you looking for? Perhaps women can benefit from your answer. I often wonder what the other person is looking for before they invest their emotions.

[Mrlonelyone]

The simplest thing would be for her to ask me to hang out on a 1 on 1 basis. Call it a date or not. After someone ask you out and you rebuff them it's up to you to approach them.

 

It could be as simple as a physical move of some kind.

 

If this was not a workplace I would say that even signaling with body language that they are open to having a move made on them is enough. Given the stakes, ones career and livelihood, it can't be something ambiguous.

[Frank13]

No one wants to answer here?

 

I find it difficult to read your posts with your giant eyeball avatar. It just seems gross to me. When I see it I just move on to the next post.

[kerme]

The simplest thing would be for her to ask me to hang out on a 1 on 1 basis. Call it a date or not. After someone ask you out and you rebuff them it's up to you to approach them.

 

It could be as simple as a physical move of some kind.

 

If this was not a workplace I would say that even signaling with body language that they are open to having a move made on them is enough. Given the stakes, ones career and livelihood, it can't be something ambiguous.

 

Good to know, thanks for answering.

[Mrlonelyone]

I find it difficult to read your posts with your giant eyeball avatar. It just seems gross to me. When I see it I just move on to the next post.

Thanks for being honest. But I like how that picture is both revealing yet tells one nothing of what I look like. Answer the riddle of who I am and you can find pictures. People have done it.

Edited November 8, 2012 by Mrlonelyone

[Mme. Chaucer]

Even if she does like you, it seems that you have little choice but to accept what she told you - that she's not available.

 

You could tell her frankly that you're interested and when she wants to, she should let you know. And then carry on with your friendship.

[Mrlonelyone]

That's the thing Mme. she didn't say she was outright unavailable. I asked if she was seeing someone (to most people that means in a committed and serious exclusive fashion). She mentioned seeing someone who's not a boyfriend then mentioned her issues with what liking me could mean about her.

 

Everyone who has dated me seriously had to go on a journey trying to define me and themselves.

 

People like to label relationships and themselves what label applies to a man or woman who likes someone like me? In a way they are a queer, in a important way they are not queer at all. (or if they ID'd as gay does liking me make them feel too straight?)

 

Bottom line is, as you and others have said. Until she is willing to make a real move towards me there's not much I can do. She will either feel that what we have is worth a shot or not. At any rate my life goes on, it's just a really sad situation.

[dasein]

The stock advice is to avoid work relationships, but things just happen sometimes. In this case, in your shoes, would take her at her word about seeing someone, that and the "liking you would make her lesbian" comment. But she does sound like she likes you, only you can determine if that's romantic or friendly interest. Does she touch you? Ever seek to involve you in outside work things? Does she ask lots of questions about you and your life outside work? Whether or not are some of the types of clues you may consider. If such clues are absent, then it's probably friendship.

[Mrlonelyone]

The stock advice is to avoid work relationships, but things just happen sometimes. In this case, in your shoes, would take her at her word about seeing someone, that and the "liking you would make her lesbian" comment. But she does sound like she likes you, only you can determine if that's romantic or friendly interest.

 

True. Body language cannot be conveyed to a message board. Only I can read that.

 

Does she touch you? Ever seek to involve you in outside work things? Does she ask lots of questions about you and your life outside work? Whether or not are some of the types of clues you may consider. If such clues are absent, then it's probably friendship.

 

Yeah. There is a little bit of all of things going on. I haven't been outside campus or it's immediate area with them yet.

[Mrlonelyone]

UPDATE:

 

At a voluntary meeting I lead today she expressed a desire to hang out beyond our workish school environment. So, when we have a private moment or can talk on the phone I will ask her out again.

 

So there is at least hope for everyone if a freak like me can get real interest and investment.

 

Some may say I should have acted then and there. The truth is that would be a bad idea. The only thing worse than a workplace relationship is doing it in public.

[jcrew11]

I don't understand, are you a female and want to pursue a lesbian relationship?

 

Or is she saying you are "too feminine and too girly" and not seen as a masculine suitor?

 

If you are different races, then I think that will be the biggest hurdle, especially if she has never dated anyone from your race in the past, or doesn't have many friends of your race. Then its an issue of her becoming more comfortable with dating someone from a different race/culture and how much she needs to learn about a new race/culture, and also getting the approval of her friends/family for dating someone of a different race.

[Mrlonelyone]

I don't understand, are you a female and want to pursue a lesbian relationship?

 

Or is she saying you are "too feminine and too girly" and not seen as a masculine suitor?

 

In a sense the second one. I am male to female transgendered. At the time she said that she did not realize what my situation was. That bothers her far less than the idea of being a lesbian. In many ways she herself is unconventional.

 

If you are different races, then I think that will be the biggest hurdle, especially if she has never dated anyone from your race in the past, or doesn't have many friends of your race.

 

Agreed.

 

 

Then its an issue of her becoming more comfortable with dating someone from a different race/culture and how much she needs to learn about a new race/culture, and also getting the approval of her friends/family for dating someone of a different race.

 

The race and culture thing is what would make this a challenge. Even a standard African-Native American masculinity would be different and unfamiliar to her.

 

At any rate we will either explore a relationship further or not. We can cross those bridges when we come to them.