It isn't always about the grass. Over 10 years of experience (Questions Welcome)

November 5, 2012

This is a story about how sometimes the grass is greener, and sometimes it has nothing to do with the grass at all. Some of you are bitter towards me on these forums, and wonder how I can be so kind to my current ex after all she's done. Maybe this will give you some insight.

As someone who is grieving over lost love, it's easy to get wrapped up in tactics and strategies to pull our loved ones back in. Take a look at your google search results. how many links over the past weeks are now a familiar purple? You start wondering if there is a magic cure. You wonder if there is something to "The Grass Is Greener" syndrome. Maybe they are just sick, and once they heal they will come back? You continue searching everything you can. Somewhere on the internet is the answer. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life. You will be in a cycle looking for answers that don't exist until you are exhausted and give up. It's the nature of the beast.

I have a story I want to share with you about a girl named Jennifer. Ah Jennifer, the high school sweet heart. We were friends first, and then fell hard and fast in love. Before you knew it, several years had passed. I loved that girl with everything in me, and would have caught a bullet with my beating heart to save her life. Once enough time had passed, she began thinking about her future and if I was a part of it. We were both growing as people, and she had doubts. Her friends were already married, but here I was - the 19 year old boy who still worked cash in hand and lived with mommy. This is what I believe to be the grass is greener moment. Her doubts eventually consumed her, and she began picking apart every detail in our relationship until she convinced herself that there was better out there - and there was! She left me for someone she worked with. A really nice guy who had his career on track and a heart of gold. I still remember the embarrassing things I did to try and get her back to this day. Eventually, I gave up. I looked at this guy who was so much better than me and said "You know what, I'm going to be that guy.". So I gathered my things and moved on from the girl I was in love with.

My first true love was gone, and so I had to be in it for me. I opened a business doing pc repairs while I worked for a very lucrative customer service firm on the side. Money was coming in, and life was going really well for me. My ex didn't have the slightest as to what I had been up to, and yet one day I heard a knock on my door. It was her - and she was an emotional wreck. You see, the guy she traded me up for? He was much better than I. He could have offered her a world I never imagined. She said "I had to break up with him, because I love you. I know you aren't rich, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. Please give me a second chance". I took a few days to weigh the pros and cons as to how she would fit into my new lifestyle, and took her back. For her, the grass was MUCH greener on the other side. I guess sometimes when we hop the fence we forgot where we left our shoes

We were doing really good for a long time - about 8 months I want to say? I started looking for engagement rings. I was going to marry this girl. I called her parents for permission and they happily accepted. I proposed to her on a beach at dusk. I always was the hopeless romantic! So we were engaged to be married. After a few months of complete and absolute bliss, something happened to me that I could not explain. Now I was the one looking to the future and what I would want out of it. I began to question if I was somehow missing out on something by being married at such a young age. That's when it happened. I began to pick apart our relationship and find all the faults in it. I began to tell myself that somewhere out there in this unexplored world there was more for me. My journey could start here. This doesn't have to be me for the rest of my life - I can really go out and be someone. I began to change. The way I carried myself, the way I spoke with people, the things that I found humor in. Everything. I was no longer the me I knew.

I met someone that really clicked with the new me, and for a moment I was scared. I looked back at this girl I had spent over 5 years dedicating my life to and it didn't look the same anymore. How could this be? I loved her with all of my heart! What's wrong with me? I struggled for a month and I'm sure Jenny could see the signs of my distancing. You see, the new me that I had become - this now foreign reflection of myself - had fallen in love with another woman. One who understood the new me and could help me expand upon myself even further. The sky was the limit. This new woman was so vastly different, so alluring, so...fantastic! It was the sweetest poison I've ever tasted. The new girl was bad for me, and I liked it.

I remember sitting in my car one night and calling Jennifer. I could have gone to her house, but it was late and it could not wait. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Jenny, we need to talk."

Her: "Hey babe what's up?"

Me: "You are not going to like this, and I'

m

incredibly sorry that I have to break this to you. I've thought long and hard, and this isn't working for me anymore."

Her: (now starting to cry) "What???? What do you mean? Don't you love me?? Can we talk about this??"

Me: "I want to spare you as much heartache as I can, talking will not fix this. I'

m

so

sorry."

Her: "Please think about this! We are getting married soon! We have our entire lives ahead of us!!!!"

She continued begging. The only sadness I felt at the time was guilt. I felt like a monster. I knew the only way to end this that wouldn't drag on was to be the monster I felt like.

Me: "I am sorry. I don't want to say this to you - but when I go to bed at night it's someone else I'

m

thinking of. I love someone else. I do not love you anymore. We will never be married, but one day you will meet someone that can return your affection. Hate me if you must, but accept that this is the circumstance."

*click* She hung up on me.

For me, it wasn't about finding someone better than her. She could have done everything right, made herself the shining example of perfection, but I had changed. I never asked to be different, but it was the hand I was dealt. She rushed over to my house and gave me a notebook - a journal containing daily notes about how much she loved me and the adventures we had gone on for the past year. She intended to give it to me as a wedding present. I never opened that journal, as I only felt pity and guilt for her at this point. I knew the grass wasn't greener where I was heading, but it was different. Different is what my heart called for.

I never did consider going back to her in a relationship after that day. She could have found someone a thousand times better than me 5 minutes after that phone call and I wouldn't have been the least bit jealous - I would have been relieved. Last I had heard, she's been married to a guy that cares deeply for her and has a couple of wonderful kids. Any time I've thought back on those days, I'm happy that she found someone that could love her the way I couldn't. I wish I could have been there for her as the loving husband she deserved, but I knew I could never fulfill that role. I know even now she hates me, and could never understand what had happened to the guy she loved all those years ago. To be honest? Even I don't understand what happened.

I hope this tale of two breakups can give you some insight. She suffered from the grass being greener, and I suffered from change that I did not ask for. In the end, we may never know where our hearts will lead us. Be happy that we had found love, and excited that we shared it with someone who helped it flourish. You can never change the hearts of others, as much as the internet would lead you to believe.

My experience all of those years ago is the catalyst to why I can't be upset with my current lost love. I've been there before - and I know what it's like to walk in her shoes. I love her unconditionally, and sometimes as painful as it is, love calls you to let go.

November 5, 2012

you phrase it well, it sounds consistent and genuine. It probably is.

On the other hand, I vaguely recall you posting something about your last lost love which was slightly more anger-filled. About her life being **** now...

Anyways, I can relate to "the sky is the limit", the lure of "different", when you "changed". It's what people who fall in love say and feel. Apparently, in this case, what you found with this new woman really was closer to what you needed/expected.

But still I'm shocked by the way you portrait your feelings about Jennifer after you met the new woman. I don't doubt that this is the way it was, but I think it means you never really loved Jennifer.

Many people fall in love with someone new, someone who is a better fit to the person they grew up to be. But many of them struggle to let go of their previous love, not out of guilt, but because they are so deeply attached. You briefly mention "distancing", but the detachment from someone you were about to marry should have left you broken for years, even if someone new was filling the emotional void.

At least that's how I experienced the divorce from my Jennifer...

Is it possible you never really re-attached after she came back from her GIGS episode? That you kept the brake on, for self protection?

Not trying to be harsh here, just struggling to accept the apparent volatility of your relationship with Jennifer as representative for an engaged couple...

November 5, 2012

He is in delusional grass is greener land....

See the pattern? Left someone... "love but not in love with them anymore" went to a "poisonous girl" Now thats over with thinking about the previous ex

See his last set of posts and how "confused" and "selfish" his posts are.... hmmmm

2+2 =?

November 5, 2012

you phrase it well, it sounds consistent and genuine. It probably is.

On the other hand, I vaguely recall you posting something about your last lost love which was slightly more anger-filled. About her life being **** now...

Anyways, I can relate to "the sky is the limit", the lure of "different", when you "changed". It's what people who fall in love say and feel. Apparently, in this case, what you found with this new woman really was closer to what you needed/expected.

But still I'm shocked by the way you portrait your feelings about Jennifer after you met the new woman. I don't doubt that this is the way it was, but I think it means you never really loved Jennifer.

Many people fall in love with someone new, someone who is a better fit to the person they grew up to be. But many of them struggle to let go of their previous love, not out of guilt, but because they are so deeply attached. You briefly mention "distancing", but the detachment from someone you were about to marry should have left you broken for years, even if someone new was filling the emotional void.

At least that's how I experienced the divorce from my Jennifer...

Is it possible you never really re-attached after she came back from her GIGS episode? That you kept the brake on, for self protection?

Not trying to be harsh here, just struggling to accept the apparent volatility of your relationship with Jennifer as representative for an engaged couple...

I can't really explain the detachment with my ex fiance. It's entirely possible that it was just that I could never fully reconnect after she returned, but deep down I just don't feel that way. I almost remember it as if a switch in my brain had been flipped overnight, and it was all too confusing.

Yes, I've definitely shared stories of anger with my current ex. I think the grieving process before acceptance and moving on involves a lot of emotions - even if you think understand what's happening.

He is in delusional grass is greener land....

See the pattern? Left someone... "love but not in love with them anymore" went to a "poisonous girl" Now thats over with thinking about the previous ex

See his last set of posts and how "confused" and "selfish" his posts are.... hmmmm

2+2 =?

The days of change have been over for a long time for me. I still can't explain exactly what happened when I did change, but I know I spent the next few relationships looking for someone who connected with the me that I am today. The toxic relationship has been over for a very long time, and I had moved on from that ages ago.

November 5, 2012

I don't know what to say about this post really... I've been reading your threads as they pop up here on LS, and I just... get a feeling about them. I can't really pinpoint and verbalize the feelings I am getting from them.

I want to say maybe a bit ego inflated... a bit inauthentic, it kind of makes me feel like you put on an act of moving on and being at a point where you're not quite at... kind of rationalizing, trying to continue to propel yourself forward without truly feeling the hurt and pain that's currently there...

Maybe I'm off with this.

November 5, 2012

I don't know what to say about this post really... I've been reading your threads as they pop up here on LS, and I just... get a feeling about them. I can't really pinpoint and verbalize the feelings I am getting from them.

I want to say maybe a bit ego inflated... a bit inauthentic, it kind of makes me feel like you put on an act of moving on and being at a point where you're not quite at... kind of rationalizing, trying to continue to propel yourself forward without truly feeling the hurt and pain that's currently there...

Maybe I'm off with this.

You would be correct. Some days I feel like I've felt like I was on top of the world, and others I'll have moments of clarity. It's been a little over a week since the last time I had been upset, however. I try not to write long thought out posts when I've been down and depressed, so that's probably why the inauthentic vibe is being sent.

November 5, 2012

Believe me. I spent 2 months acting like a total pansy. Nobody wants to see that. There are plenty of posts about that already

November 5, 2012

All you are doing is talking / projecting / preaching to yourself (self talk) and it's really not directed or intended for us really.

It's not a bad thing... more of a battle. Your brain will get through the "Stage of Grief" first and eventually... Your heart (feelings and emotions) will catch up with your brain.

It's all part of the process we all go through after being dumped.

My advice...

Post (self talk) here and leave your Ex out of it!

Fair enough. None of these posts are really new revelations and are things I took notes about while I was going through the stages of grief. I simply imagined that maybe somewhere out there someone could gain something from those moments my brain was on overdrive.

As far as where I am honestly? I've already let go of my ex. There is still attachment, but that will fade in time.

November 5, 2012

<cough> Bulls.hit <cough>

Letting go of someone and being over them are two different things. Of course I miss her, but I've accepted that it will never happen and that she is happier where she is now. I have no delusions on that.

November 5, 2012

Believe me. I spent 2 months acting like a total pansy. Nobody wants to see that. There are plenty of posts about that already

Why not? That's what we're all here for. To vent to, to get the perspective... even if it HAS been done a million and one times before. It's more authentic to see progress from start to finish and not a front.

I mean scroll through my crap. It's some of the most hilarious s.hit you will ever read in your life. The anger and rage, and the progression from that, to where I am now.

November 5, 2012

Why not? That's what we're all here for. To vent to, to get the perspective... even if it HAS been done a million and one times before. It's more authentic to see progress from start to finish and not a front.

I mean scroll through my crap. It's some of the most hilarious s.hit you will ever read in your life. The anger and rage, and the progression from that, to where I am now.

It's interesting how different people handle different situations, isn't it? One of the ways I cope with trauma has always been in trying to help others, and so for that reason I stayed away from doing anything that would prevent that.

Having said that, I also know I have a very big problem with properly coping. I'm sure you've seen the oreo post around here somewhere? Even though I feel like I am in a much better place right now compared to how I was a week ago and prior, I know my methods of coping have not been the healthiest.

So, Katzee, this one is for you.

First month I survived no contact for all of 2 days. Called her up crying my eyes out and begging. She cried and said all the things that made me think we had a chance. "Let's be friends and see what happens". That lasted 3 days until I broke down again and told her it wouldn't work. NC for another 2 weeks, and then tried to talk to her again. She was fed up with the back and forth by this point and we hit a mutual no contact. She met a guy not long after that, and decided to move on from my bs.

You should have seen me that first week back in the states. I could probably have driven a boat across all the tears I shed.

November 5, 2012

It's interesting how different people handle different situations, isn't it? One of the ways I cope with trauma has always been in trying to help others.

I do this exact same thing. I've had quite a large number of fellow LS members reach out to me directly to thank me for a post, or to ask me questions personally. That's honestly why I'm still here, not for pain or hurt, I'm here to help others. In the beginning I was obviously a disaster or a "hot mess" as I've been called --- yeah you know who you are!

However, if you truly want to help others, you need to be honest. With others, and more importantly YOURSELF. You cannot truly give advice to others if you're putting up a front, or if you're hiding things.

I do not know of this Oreo post you speak of. However you did give me a craving for the cookies. Post a link please if you have it.

Katzee, this one is for you.

Is there a question here? Or is this just a statement of how you acted? Nothing out of the norm here, the way you acted is how most people have acted. Heartache makes people irrational and you wind up doing stupid s.hit. I made every single mistake one could make with my first love. I fully embarrassed myself. I can only imagine what he thought of me. So desperate, sad and pathetic. BUT I learned from it, and I didn't even make ONE mistake with my most recent ex. I just walked. That was it.

November 5, 2012

I don't know what to say about this post really... I've been reading your threads as they pop up here on LS, and I just... get a feeling about them. I can't really pinpoint and verbalize the feelings I am getting from them.

I want to say maybe a bit ego inflated... a bit inauthentic, it kind of makes me feel like you put on an act of moving on and being at a point where you're not quite at... kind of rationalizing, trying to continue to propel yourself forward without truly feeling the hurt and pain that's currently there...

Maybe I'm off with this.

Yeah, I get the feeling he is going through some intense roller coaster emotions internally and feels the need to be the "bigger healed person" on here.

Sorry, man, but that's the vibe i get.

If I was where you say you are at this point in your life then the last place id want to be is LS posting long fu*king threads about how great the world is.

I'm pissed, i'm hurt and i'm trying to get over it. This is why 99% of people are here.

Sounds like you're trying to rationalize or convince yourself of something most of the time. I hope im wrong but that's just the vibe I get.

It's ok to feel like sh*t. I'm one tough fu*ker and even I can't get over this last breakup so easy.

November 5, 2012

I do not know of this Oreo post you speak of. However you did give me a craving for the cookies. Post a link please if you have it.

Here is the post link. I must admit that like many of my recent posts it's a bit of a read though (and unlike many of my "helpful" posts recently, it was pretty hard to actually talk about a personal flaw of mine that I realized.)

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/355172-failure-cope-how-oreos-saved-my-life

November 5, 2012

Yeah, I get the feeling he is going through some intense roller coaster emotions internally and feels the need to be the "bigger healed person" on here.
Sorry, man, but that's the vibe i get.

If I was where you say you are at this point in your life then the last place id want to be is LS posting long fu*king threads about how great the world is.

I'm pissed, i'm hurt and i'm trying to get over it. This is why 99% of people are here.

Sounds like you're trying to rationalize or convince yourself of something most of the time. I hope im wrong but that's just the vibe I get.

It's ok to feel like sh*t. I'm one tough fu*ker and even I can't get over this last breakup so easy.

I'm happy to stop posting, since people seem to be getting up in arms about it. I just know that most people leave these sites when they don't feel like breaking down anymore and so a lot of people don't get the story after it's done.

November 5, 2012

Here is the post link. I must admit that like many of my recent posts it's a bit of a read though (and unlike many of my "helpful" posts recently, it was pretty hard to actually talk about a personal flaw of mine that I realized.)

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/355172-failure-cope-how-oreos-saved-my-life

First of all, before we take one step further... who on GOD'S EARTH thought it was a good idea to make RED center OREOs?!?!? That's just creepy. Kind of reminds me of blood. Kind of like the time Heinz ketchup thought it was a good idea to make the product purple & green. It's just not right!!!!

OREO's... cut your s.hit. Right now.

Moving on. It's great to see that you're finally starting to look deep into yourself. It shows you're finally growing and learning from past mistakes. That is the only way in which one CAN change, is when you finally acknowledge and accept your issues. So now that you know your problems, you can start to address them. That's step one.

Step two will come in time when you're fully moved on, a better person, more "evolved" so to speak, and in a new relationship. It will be then that you can put your new attitude and behaviors to the test.

November 5, 2012

I'm happy to stop posting, since people seem to be getting up in arms about it. I just know that most people leave these sites when they don't feel like breaking down anymore and so a lot of people don't get the story after it's done.

No one's saying to stop posting. We're just saying be more authentic. Even if it's not a pretty sight. It will also be good exercise for you to express your feelings, emotions, and how you cope.

November 5, 2012

No one's saying to stop posting. We're just saying be more authentic. Even if it's not a pretty sight. It will also be good exercise for you to express your feelings, emotions, and how you cope.

This is probably true. My posts have been 100% authentic, but if I go into relapse you guys will be the first to know

November 5, 2012

I'm happy to stop posting, since people seem to be getting up in arms about it. I just know that most people leave these sites when they don't feel like breaking down anymore and so a lot of people don't get the story after it's done.

I think you got me all wrong about the posting. My concern isn't the posting.

My concern is that you may be trying to convince yourself of something while being in pain.

We're just trying to help here.

I personally would not want to post such things if i truly felt that way.

But if this is how you feel then good for you. I just hope its not some secret cry for help. Ive seen it before.

November 5, 2012

I think you got me all wrong about the posting. My concern isn't the posting.

My concern is that you may be trying to convince yourself of something while being in pain.

We're just trying to help here.
I personally would not want to post such things if i truly felt that way.

But if this is how you feel then good for you. I just hope its not some secret cry for help. Ive seen it before.

Well if it gives you any indication of where I stand... I thought my ex was hot stuff and about 6 days ago I looked at a picture of her and had zero physical attraction. I was a bit shocked to be honest.

Maybe it's possible with my coping issues that I've convinced myself I have moved on and haven't, but that's something we will have to wait and see

November 5, 2012

Well if it gives you any indication of where I stand... I thought my ex was hot stuff and about 6 days ago I looked at a picture of her and had zero physical attraction. I was a bit shocked to be honest.

Maybe it's possible with my coping issues that I've convinced myself I have moved on and haven't, but that's something we will have to wait and see

Well I hope so but doesn't that raise a red flag for you?

I mean i don't long for my ex like i used to but she was hot and if I look at that picture now or a year from now shes still going to be hot.

Maybe you're in some "hating" phase

November 5, 2012

Well I hope so but doesn't that raise a red flag for you?

I mean i don't long for my ex like i used to but she was hot and if I look at that picture now or a year from now shes still going to be hot.

Maybe you're in some "hating" phase

Hmm I wouldn't say hating. I definitely do not hate her at all.

You kind of have me worried now that I might be doing exactly what I've always done and pushing things to the back of my mind instead of properly coping.

I'm going to go think on this for awhile.

Edited November 5, 2012 by dreamstate83

November 5, 2012

Hmm I wouldn't say hating. I definitely do not hate her at all.

You kind of have me worried now that I might be doing exactly what I've always done and pushing things to the back of my mind instead of properly coping.

I'm going to go think on this for awhile.

I know because I've done it before.

And then i get hit hard when reality shows its face again.

November 5, 2012

a "constructive illusion" is not necessarily bad. Some psychologists argue it is a good coping mechanism, aka fake it till you make it. It is even suggested that people who don't know how to do this, people only seeing reality in its raw, harsh, nature, will end up with depression.

So dreamstate: whatever works for you! Don't go paranoid about your way of dealing with this. You find a way of looking at things that brings you peace, good for you. But if/when you feel that you have to suppress emotions just to keep your nicely consistent view intact, it's time to change the story.

November 5, 2012

a "constructive illusion" is not necessarily bad. Some psychologists argue it is a good coping mechanism, aka fake it till you make it. It is even suggested that people who don't know how to do this, people only seeing reality in its raw, harsh, nature, will end up with depression.

So dreamstate: whatever works for you! Don't go paranoid about your way of dealing with this. You find a way of looking at things that brings you peace, good for you. But if/when you feel that you have to suppress emotions just to keep your nicely consistent view intact, it's time to change the story.

My process has always been one of mental exhaustion. Probably why I used to have insomnia in my early 20's. Force the gears in place until it can make sense to me, and probably why my breakup journal I've been drawing posts from is about 63 pages long. I should consider writing a book.

Edited November 5, 2012 by dreamstate83

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