dreamstate83 Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 (edited) It's almost humbling how breakups eventually open the door to self-analysis. During my recent breakup of 3 months, I couldn't for the life of me figure out what went wrong. In my mind, the relationship was absolutely perfect in every way, and I spent quite a lot of time trying to convince her to see it from my perspective. Obviously, she was wrong to assume the relationship was bad. She had to be. Well, no she didn't have to be wrong. It wasn't until I received an email from her telling me that we wouldn't be getting back together (and realizing that she had a new boyfriend) that the self-analysis finally started. I feel like it took that long because I had finally come to terms with the finality of the circumstance. I created excuses from thin air. "It had to be the trouble finding a job, it had to be the money. It had to be this or that". Truth be told, I was the one grasping at straws for reasons the whole time, not her. So I want to tell you a little story. One night around 3 1/2 weeks ago I had a dream that my ex and I were grocery shopping as we always had done on the weekends, and we came across a very strange thing. We saw a pack of Oreos with red filling rather than the traditional white. Intrigued, we picked them up. I was very happy in my dream as I had obviously managed to "win back my ex" in the cliche sense. I hadn't thought much about that dream until today, when lo and behold I came across a Christmas pack of Oreos with red filling. My brain reminded me of my dream and how happy I was, and I think that's when it happened. The dream wasn't real. I am not back with my ex. Then the questions started. Why not? How could someone not love me? I thought about it for a moment as I stared into the deep red center of the Oreo on the label. Maybe it wasn't what was on the outside, but what was on the inside? I had an epiphone as I recalled the last thing she said to me on the phone "You acted almost bi-polar the past few months, I could never go back to that.". I thought she was absolutely crazy for making such an accusation. Surely she was trying to hurt me, as I view myself as a very nice guy. It's then that I started thinking back to my past a bit, searching for answers. Maybe she was right after all? She did pay for my flight back to the states, who would do that for someone if they didn't love them? I had the money coming for the flight, but she still offered to pay. Something didn't add up. Holding the Oreos in my hand, I made a spur of the moment analogy. No matter which way you turn it, or which way you color the creme center, it's still an Oreo. Much like us humans. There are things in our life that we can change, but no matter which way we turn it we are still who we are. You see, years ago my father fell desperately ill from his service to the military. I charged up 2 credit cards and tanked my credit score in attempts to keep him alive just a bit longer, but the inevitable eventually came to pass. At the same time, I was in a very toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. Looking back, I never faced the actual gravity of the circumstances. I kept it inside and went on as if nothing had happened. I had failed to cope. Thinking to other situations in my life, I started seeing a pattern of this failure. I started smoking after the end of that toxic relationship as a substitute for facing my own stresses. Wow. This whole time, she tried to tell me what the problem was and I completely wrote it off. I had actually taken the stresses at the time and projected them onto her. What can I do now? "Too little, too late". Those words are ringing loud and clear now that my ex has moved on. It's too late to save the relationship, but it's not too late to save myself. No matter which angle I look at myself in the mirror, I will always be me. What could be done? How can I solve this? Change the filling. Traditional white looks nice, but maybe it was time for a bit of red. Since this realization I've dedicated my time to researching healthy ways to cope with stress around me. I've given up smoking, and have already started facing the stress in my life with an entirely new attitude. If she had never moved on, and if I had never had a dream of red Oreos, I'd be destined to repeat this pattern. It may be too late to reconcile the ex, but of the things I can do is to reconcile with myself. I wrote an apology letter and mailed it off to my ex today. Will she read it? Who knows. So why did I even send it? Simple. I hurt her and didn't own up to it. Will she throw it away and return to tell me to stop contacting her? Potentially. At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own actions. And that, my friends, is how an Oreo managed to save my life. It's been awhile since I've had some good Oreos and milk, so I'm going to enjoy a bit of a snack now. Edited November 3, 2012 by dreamstate83 2
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