1 month in the path to reconciliation

January 22, 2013

Im glad you brought up the bank accounts because that coupled with him tryi g to have unsafe sex in OCT with me. I would think that if you didnt truly trust me you wouldnt take a chance getting me pregnant again!!

I actually mentioned that to him the day i asked him to leave and you know what his response was???

He said well he figured if i was willing to take a chance getting pregnant again knowing how many issues ive had then that would be my bad!! Really? Now that was a bad comeback!! Cause he would never walk out on his own child so why he made that excuse escapes me

January 22, 2013

That day i kicked him out he also said i hadnt fone anything about D well why would i? Im not yhe one thst wanted it and i told him that! Again another excuse

January 22, 2013

Those were emotional responses Allie from both of you created to cause a reaction during a chaotic moment....if the thin line of all relationships relied on emotional responses, there wouldn't be LS, therapy, marriage counselors or even clergy to marry people in the future....just divorce attorneys until marriage didn't exist anymore.

Edit: I'll add to this, waking him up in the middle of the night because you want to confront him because you are fuming right now is also not the right thing to do and will ultimately go against part of your agreement. I can't tell you what to do, but working yourself up will get you no where.

Edited January 22, 2013 by trippi1432

January 22, 2013

I wont wake him to do that. Im calmer now and i knowit wont help anything

January 22, 2013

Im glad you brought up the bank accounts because that coupled with him tryi g to have unsafe sex in OCT with me. I would think that if you didnt truly trust me you wouldnt take a chance getting me pregnant again!!

I actually mentioned that to him the day i asked him to leave and you know what his response was???

He said well he figured if i was willing to take a chance getting pregnant again knowing how many issues ive had then that would be my bad!! Really? Now that was a bad comeback!! Cause he would never walk out on his own child so why he made that excuse escapes me

That day i kicked him out he also said i hadnt fone anything about D well why would i? Im not yhe one thst wanted it and i told him that! Again another excuse

Those are the same things I saw Allie. When you asked him to stay he acted like he couldn't get through the door fast enough, when you told him to go ahead and leave then it was "he would leave when he was ready"

On his terms. It's about control. Not the bad/malicious control you hear about on this forum all the time, but just him wanting to be in control of himself and his own situation. So he pushes hard in any situation he feels he's not.

What he doesn't see is that status quo doesn't get him any closer or further away from theses things, its just a place thats static, constant, comfortable, and safe for him.

TOJAZ

January 22, 2013

Trip and tojaz Thank you both for taking time to help! Im sorry if it gets either of you caught in negative comments

January 22, 2013

Trip and tojaz Thank you both for taking time to help! Im sorry if it gets either of you caught in negative comments

If that stuff bothered me, I would have stopped logging in a long time ago

January 22, 2013

No problem Allie - for the record, I've seen histrionic people on LS. Posting to your own thread asking for advice is not histrionic. I still say and will continue to say that only a licensed professional can diagnose and it is ABUSIVE to diagnose people with a mental illness if you are not a licensed professional who can.

The only time your thread seems to get dramatic is when other people try to force your hand to leave your marriage. Sigh!!

January 22, 2013

Great ty ty ty! I do know i need to get a grip and not let everything get to me. Wasnt sure if either of you had seen that post from her or not. And trippi i wanted to let you know im so glad i didnt confront dh last night. I would of been way off again. He didnt send card to buddy it was a broken flashlight to a warranty place.

Allie will eventually get to this point in therapy when im not thinking the worst or jumping to conclusions. If only i could go daily i wouldnt need to post on here so often

January 22, 2013

If you look up passive-aggressive, I think you'll find a picture of your H there. He was sending a message by not acknowledging your birthday. What a coward.

Sorry if this post isn't helpful. Your H is a freakin' dougebag.

January 22, 2013

I do agree betrayed! He took the coward road. I may have made the mistakes that got us here but hes allowing them to destroy the marriage

Dont worry if you think its helpful or not I can handle all comments that are reasonable and not abusive!

Im glad you take the time too to help and read my thread and i apoligize to you as well if at any point your drug into negative from posting on here.

January 23, 2013

If only i could go daily i wouldnt need to post on here so often

Then what would I do with my day???

Your doing a lot better then you give yourself credit for Allie.

January 23, 2013

Then what would I do with my day???

Buy new plaster and fix the holes in the wall?

Just kidding Allie!

January 23, 2013

Lol believe me hell need more spackle!!

Things here at home are calm we ate together and are talking.

I got to thinking today and i mean all day about this. I had some good advice. But when i get to thinking deep down i feel like i know dh is either all in or all out thats just him and right mow regardless of what he does hes not all in! Hes told me that but yet i expected him to be all happy birthday. Truth is to him its another day right and hes hurt/angry/confused/depressed and whatever else hes not logical so i should expect anything ever from him in this state.

He may never change or snap out of it so thats going to have to be my decision to deal with that if i can. In the meantime im here and in this marriage now. So im sparing myself the drama of saying anything to him about this because hes not listening anyway why waste my breathe. Hes going to act how he wants regardless of what i say or think. I wont let him ignoring my day ruin my life. Its one day and though hes a jerk for doing it and i dont deserve that he cant have that!

I will continue to try but not at compromising myself and my dd! Im going to continue to be the best me and treat him with respect because thats who i am im not going to let my anxiety rule me into histeria in the moment. Hopefully my therapy will get me stronger. I still live this man deeply and believe in my vows. In sickness and in health was one and i do believe hes sick in a depressed way. But again i wont do it so thst it compromises me or dd.

Alot of my issue is me! I picked all the fights, though hes joined in, i let my mind wonder to all kinds of things that gave 100% of the time thus far been wrong. I wont be his doormat though and allow him to do hurtful things to me but im going to have to pick my battles right now with him. Eventually well either part ways or reconcile and if its reconcile i will not reconcile till he agrees to mc

January 23, 2013

Lol believe me hell need more spackle!!

Things here at home are calm we ate together and are talking.

I got to thinking today and i mean all day about this. I had some good advice. But when i get to thinking deep down i feel like i know dh is either all in or all out thats just him and right mow regardless of what he does hes not all in! Hes told me that but yet i expected him to be all happy birthday. Truth is to him its another day right and hes hurt/angry/confused/depressed and whatever else hes not logical so i should expect anything ever from him in this state.

He may never change or snap out of it so thats going to have to be my decision to deal with that if i can. In the meantime im here and in this marriage now. So im sparing myself the drama of saying anything to him about this because hes not listening anyway why waste my breathe. Hes going to act how he wants regardless of what i say or think. I wont let him ignoring my day ruin my life. Its one day and though hes a jerk for doing it and i dont deserve that he cant have that!

I will continue to try but not at compromising myself and my dd! Im going to continue to be the best me and treat him with respect because thats who i am im not going to let my anxiety rule me into histeria in the moment. Hopefully my therapy will get me stronger. I still live this man deeply and believe in my vows. In sickness and in health was one and i do believe hes sick in a depressed way. But again i wont do it so thst it compromises me or dd.

Alot of my issue is me! I picked all the fights, though hes joined in, i let my mind wonder to all kinds of things that gave 100% of the time thus far been wrong. I wont be his doormat though and allow him to do hurtful things to me but im going to have to pick my battles right now with him. Eventually well either part ways or reconcile and if its reconcile i will not reconcile till he agrees to mc

Luckily spackle is cheap.

I really like most of this Allie, really, really, like it.

I will say that this situation has already compromised you and dd and you should allow for recovering from that as part of the equation, and that saying you picked all the fights isn't really fair to you.

TOJAZ

January 23, 2013

Okie dokie adding recovering!! :-)

I added yoga and meditation back into my day so i find lots of peace and calm doing that. My therapist had told me to breathe went i get anxious so im taking it a few steps further! At this point ill try anything to find some calm within

January 23, 2013

I would also add going about your day as normal and doing the things you and dd like to do. If he participates, good, if he doesn't...his choice. Have fun anyway, live life anyway. The hardest thing about depression (if it is depression) is not letting it pull you down with it.

Yoga and meditation are great things to add to your list Allie!

January 23, 2013

I added yoga and meditation back into my day so i find lots of peace and calm doing that. My therapist had told me to breathe went i get anxious so im taking it a few steps further! At this point ill try anything to find some calm within

Heres a handy little website I refer to a lot. This links to a small set of slides done by one of my favorite authors. I really like his books at the times I get frustrated or anxious.

Wayne Dyer's 10 Ways to Go with the Flow - Beliefnet.com

January 23, 2013

i apoligize to you as well if at any point your drug into negative from posting on here.

No worries and no apology needed. I have my big boy pants on.

I just rarely come to this particular forum (except to check on your thread) so forgive me if I'm not posting as often as I might.

January 24, 2013

Dh is seeming to uphold parts of his agreement. Interesting for sure. The part he is really upholding is the communicating OT hours to me. He did so this am by letting me know at his 9am break he was asked to do overtime he said he wasnt sure how long it would be but as always hes been trying to get all the OT he can.

I often think hes throwing himself into work to avoid issues at home. I also think he may think the more money he brings home the more dependent I am. Or maybe he thinks it will distract me. the money lately has been good and we are ahead on so many bills now. However id rather have a happy marriage.

Its perplexing how he in many areas shows no care but seems to care about letting me know hes working ot. When in fact ignoring my b-day he knew that would upset me and he did it anyway. He knows not texting me to let me know hes working ot upsets me so instead of letting that happen he texts. Its a puzzle for sure.

January 24, 2013

When was the last time you two upheld the agreement and checked in on the weekly talk about the marriage and progress?

January 24, 2013

Ok Allie, I would think by now that i would be able to just leave a blank reply and you would know what I was going to say.... QUIT TRYING TO ANALYZE EVERY LITTLE DETAIL!

Try as we might, we cannot stuff someone elses actions into our own perceptions and make a perfect fit.... so why try when you have so many other things that deserve your attention? Stick to working with the things that are right in front of you.

What parts of the agreement has he been keeping and which ones has he abandoned? Same for you? How could that improve? etc...

... but I know your going to continue to scrutinize all these details regardless of what I say, so lets look at it a little different.

You see Allie, really the only kind of question you can ask and expect an answer is how it effects you, because your never going to know what his reasoning is, but you can get into why it becomes a trigger for your anxiety and try to relieve some of that by working through some of your own whys rather then trying to decipher his.

I often think hes throwing himself into work to avoid issues at home. I also think he may think the more money he brings home the more dependent I am. Or maybe he thinks it will distract me. the money lately has been good and we are ahead on so many bills now. However id rather have a happy marriage.

Ok, on the first one, he may be working to avoid the issues at home, theres nothing wrong with that, if you focused on these things non stop you would quickly lose your mind ( I myself am clinging to my last strained synapse for dear life) Where you have dd to distract you when you need to get away from it, he most likely has chosen work as an easy and beneficial distraction. That and the thought that it might distract you go hand in hand with his habit of running from pressure.

The one the grabs me is that you worry that he is trying to make you more dependant. What makes you think that?

The big question is why him working the OT has found itself in your crosshairs for scrutiny?

Its perplexing how he in many areas shows no care but seems to care about letting me know hes working ot. When in fact ignoring my b-day he knew that would upset me and he did it anyway. He knows not texting me to let me know hes working ot upsets me so instead of letting that happen he texts. Its a puzzle for sure.

What upsets you the most about this statement Allie? Not being able to anticipate his actions? Just the Bday? It's not about what he's doing on this one, it's all about how those actions effect you.

TOJAZ

January 24, 2013

I don't get the statement that his working OT is to make you more dependent either Allie, please do explain that.

How about an alternate theory? Where is he stashing this cash windfall from the OT? In the joint account? And giving you access to it? Doesn't sound like a man with a plan to leave, cut and run or saving up for a lawyer to me.

January 24, 2013

Dh is seeming to uphold parts of his agreement. Interesting for sure. The part he is really upholding is the communicating OT hours to me. He did so this am by letting me know at his 9am break he was asked to do overtime he said he wasnt sure how long it would be but as always hes been trying to get all the OT he can.

I often think hes throwing himself into work to avoid issues at home. I also think he may think the more money he brings home the more dependent I am. Or maybe he thinks it will distract me. the money lately has been good and we are ahead on so many bills now. However id rather have a happy marriage.

Maybe, just maybe, it's none of the above. In a previous post you wrote, "Im going to continue to be the best me and treat him with respect because thats who i am im not going to let my anxiety rule me into histeria in the moment". ... but two posts later here you are, coming up with all of these theories as to why he's working overtime when maybe, just maybe, he's working overtime to pay the bills and work towards financial security for his family.

Allie, I don't wish to be harsh but you need to know this: the more you put him under the microscope and analyse every little thing he does- and you do to the point of obsession - the more he will pull away. 100% guaranteed.

Please, for the sake of your marriage and sanity, stop the never-ending analysing. Focus on yourself, your actions, your thoughts, because when all is said and done, that is all you can do. You cannot control him no matter what you do.

Good luck.

January 24, 2013

Ok Allie, I would think by now that i would be able to just leave a blank reply and you would know what I was going to say.... QUIT TRYING TO ANALYZE EVERY LITTLE DETAIL!

Try as we might, we cannot stuff someone elses actions into our own perceptions and make a perfect fit.... so why try when you have so many other things that deserve your attention? Stick to working with the things that are right in front of you.

What parts of the agreement has he been keeping and which ones has he abandoned? Same for you? How could that improve?

... but I know your going to continue to scrutinize all these details regardless of what I say, so lets look at it a little different.

You see Allie, really the only kind of question you can ask and expect an answer is how it effects you, because your never going to know what his reasoning is, but you can get into why it becomes a trigger for your anxiety and try to relieve some of that by working through some of your own whys rather then trying to decipher his.

Ok, on the first one, he may be working to avoid the issues at home, theres nothing wrong with that, if you focused on these things non stop you would quickly lose your mind ( I myself am clinging to my last strained synapse for dear life) Where you have dd to distract you when you need to get away from it, he most likely has chosen work as an easy and beneficial distraction. That and the thought that it might distract you go hand in hand with his habit of running from pressure.

The one the grabs me is that you worry that he is trying to make you more dependant. What makes you think that?

The big question is why him working the OT has found itself in your crosshairs for scrutiny?

What upsets you the most about this statement Allie? Not being able to anticipate his actions? Just the Bday? It's not about what he's doing on this one, it's all about how those actions effect you.

TOJAZ

Uhhh lots of question here... Lol

Weekly or any marriage talks are not happening neither are date nights! All he does is work by the time hes home im getting ready for bed! Im upholding mine except i still doubt hes working OT sometimes and i doubt what he says by anazlying it all instead of taking him at his word.

The him trying to make me dependent thing is i think he feels the more money coming in the less ill bug him about our issues cause i dont want to upset him and be on my own financial. He even has hinted at this that he thinks i care more about money then him. So not true but sure when you have a child youve got to worry about that part of the equation too. Y

The whole bday thing still bugs me just cause i still am wrestling with what it means and i know stop overthinkibg and etc but i cant seem too!

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