1 month in the path to reconciliation

[AllieKat]

Good but we arent full fledge in them because i wanted a week off to mentally regroup see my therapist ( which i did friday) and so thursday is supposed to be the actually start. Hes started already though. Hes being transparent with passwords, and communicating better. I find though its not enough for me and to be honest im not sure it ever will be. I dont think im going to be happy till we are back 100%! Right now im sad hes not sleeping in bed. He did last two nights. When i asked him tonight he said no because it killed his back. Which is all hes complained about all day!! I agreed to let that stuff progress naturally but im not happy about it! When i asked him and he answered me that he wasnt i was cool and calm about it, it just still irked me.

[BetrayedH]

Not sleeping in the same bed is a relationship killer.

 

I can understand that returning to intimacy may take some time but sleeping in the same bed should not be a flexible issue.

 

Whatever the problem is, fix it. No excuses.

[AllieKat]

I agree!! He has had back issues so we bought a new bed in Oct but its still killing him. He slept in in two days and again he coukd barely crawl out of it. Not sure what to do other than buying another bed but i was thinking when im feeling better we couldgo try to by some extra padding to see if that helps.

[BetrayedH]

I agree!! He has had back issues so we bought a new bed in Oct but its still killing him. He slept in in two days and again he coukd barely crawl out of it. Not sure what to do other than buying another bed but i was thinking when im feeling better we couldgo try to by some extra padding to see if that helps.

 

I can sympathize. I have sleep apnea and hated wearing my cpap. I ended up on the couch a lot of nights to avoid wearing the darth vader mask and to avoid snoring my wife out of the bed. Huge mistake and a contributor to the demise of my marriage. A couple MUST sleep together to stay physically intimate; I will never make that mistake again.

 

Try to get your H to agree to this concept and then work together on doing whatever it takes to find a solution.

 

If I haven't said it, I think you should definitely feel encouraged about seeing progress. Instead of just focusing on the end goal, I think celebrating continuous improvement can be very helpful to stay positive.

[AllieKat]

Today ive been sick and hes been great! Hes asked me what he can do, gone yo get dinner, gave dd meds, ran to store to get me 7-up and then keeps asking how im feeling. This is all progress because a few months ago when i was sick he never bothered with me. Its a nice feeling!!

[AllieKat]

I worked up my nerve to go thank hubby for all he did for me tonight and gave him a little hug to go with it!! It wasnt the most loving hug ever buthe hugged me back and its a step... Small but i stepped outof my comfort zone to show him my appreciation

[tojaz]

Allie, where did hubby sleep before this whole hullabaloo started?

[AllieKat]

In bed! But that was on our old mattress.

[Steen719]

Buy another mattress or sleep on the floor on the mattress with him.....get going, Allie. Cuddle up, girl!

[tojaz]

In bed! But that was on our old mattress.

 

Well, I don't think I need to elaborate on why I asked, and I don't think it's necessary to dig any deeper.

 

I am going to remind you of how we talked about tokens awhile back. If he's truly making an honest effort to work on your marriage, then that deserves the lions share of your attention rather then where he sleep or the quality of your last hug. When he feels he belongs in that bed again, his "back" will feel better.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Hi Allie - good steps on your part and we all need to step out of our comfort zone every once in a while and reverse those roles of giving and receiving to find the right path to a healthy balance. I'm proud of you and hubby!

 

As to where he sleeps, not a reflection on you. As to his back, whether a symptom of a serious problem or a symptom of how things are, both can get better with the right dose of treatment.

[AllieKat]

Thought I'd post. Things are ok! Ill never say they are great or even good till Im sure we wont be divorcing. Truth is I have no idea whats coming. Im not sure Ill be satisfied till things feel safe and secure and I dont feel that way. I thought having fb passwords and email passwords would stop my insecurity. I was wrong. Not sure Ill ever feel really secure in this marriage again, knowing how fast it went downhill.

 

Havent solved the bed thing either! I suggested a inversion table, the dr and he didnt look thrilled on either. I wish i had a positive attitude or out look but its just nowhere. Im giving up counting months now. New year fresh start and im looking at when he came home as a fredh start. Ive been setting the table each night and weve been sitting at the table as a family to eat dinner i think thats a good thing.

 

I wish i had more good to report

[newme9]

I know this road back can be long and thats very hard for me, as I'm very very impatient.

 

why are you impatient? love like this takes time and sometimes the answers come to us with time. so rushing it means you might be taking away some of the answers.

 

feel fortunate that there is reconciliation and grateful for every step of the way because these small slow steps are important. just try to find some perspective and youll see that impatience will only hurt you in the end. healing takes time. let time do its magic.

[AllieKat]

why are you impatient? love like this takes time and sometimes the answers come to us with time. so rushing it means you might be taking away some of the answers.

 

feel fortunate that there is reconciliation and grateful for every step of the way because these small slow steps are important. just try to find some perspective and youll see that impatience will only hurt you in the end. healing takes time. let time do its magic.

 

Im impatient for many reasons. The unknowing whats going to happen in my marriage scares me. Another reason is Ive been fighting this issue for awhile and feel like things should be resolved by now.not sure is there is a reconcilation at this point. I think at this point its more of a we arent divorcing right now thing.

[BetrayedH]

You know, I haven't been around your situation for long but I found it very encouraging to come back to this forum day after day (not a norm for me) just to check to see if you had posted and I watched your thread make it's way off of the first page.

 

In the short time I was there with you, you had dramatic event after dramatic event, a separation, police involvement - all dealing with a H that seemed to have nothing but cruel things to say. Your marriage seemed without hope and you were barely making it minute to minute.

 

Long story short, things have improved. Your H is at home, you share meals together, you've (at least once) shared a bed together, he has been more transparent with you, and there has been kindness expressed on both sides. That's a lot to have happened in a short period.

 

One of the lesson I learned in my reconciliation (albeit a failed one) is that fast is slow and slow is fast. Focus not on the end goal but on continuous improvement. Marriage is not a sprint; it's a marathon. If the two of you can it thru this, years from now you will look back and realize that nothing can break you.

 

I hope that marriage counseling is on the table for you. In these kinds of situations, it's a safe place for both people to be able to calmly share their POV without shouting and swearing and you have a neutral third-party that can help you come to joint agreement on the big stuff.

[AllieKat]

Thx betrayed if i could master the impatience and my insecurity id be stoked!!!

[tojaz]

Ive been fighting this issue for awhile and feel like things should be resolved by now.

 

Allie, one of the hardest things to get across to people in your situation is that there is no master time line somewhere. Theres no buzzer that goes off and you are either married or divorced at the end.

 

There are stories here that have ended happily after only a couple of weeks and I can remember one that reached a happy reconciliation and remarriage after three years of being divorced!

 

You can rush things and do it fast.... or you can do it right and give yourself the best chances for the long haul. With something that is so important, I think it deserves all the time in the world if thats what it takes.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Something that troubles me that I dont speak much about is my other relationships. I find I dont have many friends anymore. Most think Im dumb for not leaving hubby and have told me so. Ive been told by many that they have no respect for him. It hurts cause hes no a bad guy hes hurt. I certainly dont want to be judged on my actions these last few months cause i have not been my best person either.

 

I think ive been influenced by their thoughts and in turn thats fed my insecurity. I guess no matter how things turn out i realize i wont have many friends left after its all said and done.

[trippi1432]

Alllie - Friends are wonderful to have, but bad when they try to influence your relationship (some for their own selfish reasons, misery loves company, jealousy...etc). You only need one true friend that is un-biased in the situation or either one friend that you don't share your relationship issues with.

 

One other thing about influence, you go with your heart and what you know, when a friend oversteps their boundary, you have every right to set them straight too. This is your life and happiness....don't let your friends or family run it for you.

[AllieKat]

I prob should of put this on a new thread but oh well. Just need some thoughts/opinions. Hubby and i have been doing ok. He commuincates when hes going to be late, his goings and comings, and hes been over eager to tell me every detail of his day.

 

He has been working hard and he NEVER really buys himself anything. Him and I both are usually this way and have always been all about DD. anyway i knew he said he needed and new tool box and he told mewhere he sawit and what a great deal it was and etc. so since finances are better thanks to him and his OT. I went and got it for him.

 

It was just a gesture of kindness and i didnt make a big deal about it buthe told me it was to expensive and he can make due with what he has and told me to just take it back! I didnt act hurt i just didnt say much. Then he asked where igot it but then that was it and he went on as if nothing happened and told me about his day!

 

So is my gesture to much too soon? Too pushy? Or is it just maybe he doesnt want a gift from ME! This is so confusing but i do realize hes only been home now for 2 weeks. So maybe its too soon

[trippi1432]

NOOO!!! No new threads!!

 

Looking at this Allie, I have to ask how joint purchases are typically decided upon. Expensive purchases should be decided on together as well as separate budgets for holiday or gifts. How have you and hubby agreed on those types of purchases? Granted, he's been working all the OT, but does he put that money in a joint account? How have you both approached this in the past before the issues?

 

It's good that it didn't start an argument, but I have the feeling he might be wanting to take it back and use the money for something else. Not that it's about the gift came from you...but yes, gifts can feel like pressure to people sometimes.

[AllieKat]

NOOO!!! No new threads!!

 

Looking at this Allie, I have to ask how joint purchases are typically decided upon. Expensive purchases should be decided on together as well as separate budgets for holiday or gifts. How have you and hubby agreed on those types of purchases? Granted, he's been working all the OT, but does he put that money in a joint account? How have you both approached this in the past before the issues?

 

It's good that it didn't start an argument, but I have the feeling he might be wanting to take it back and use the money for something else. Not that it's about the gift came from you...but yes, gifts can feel like pressure to people sometimes.

 

Weve only ever done a gift limit at xmas and the last few xmas's we have not got gifts for each other. This past xmas we neverdicussed it and of course we werent in a financial place for gifts anyway.

 

We have never argued about money we both know what bills are due and when and what we can afford and such and theres never been an issue. However neither of us has ever spent that much on the other before. And usuallyaside from gifts everyday purchases wedo commuincate if its going to be high. Hubby bought me uggs a few years ago for my b-day and they were $180 that was the most ever spent but we had it and again it was a b-day gift not just a just because gift.

 

So i dunno im thinking first the stupid muffins he didnt want now the toolbox... I think its me!!!

[AllieKat]

I skipped one of your question by accident. We have only a joint account. To the best of my knowledge he has no other acvounts. I do have one its for my side business of selling scentsy candles but i have stashed some money in it just in case he splits on me.

 

Im feeling very insecure today thinking about why he doesnt want it and why no even thank you!! Ughhhh it makes me think he doesnt love you

[ataloss8270]

Something that troubles me that I dont speak much about is my other relationships. I find I dont have many friends anymore. Most think Im dumb for not leaving hubby and have told me so. Ive been told by many that they have no respect for him. It hurts cause hes no a bad guy hes hurt. I certainly dont want to be judged on my actions these last few months cause i have not been my best person either.

 

I think ive been influenced by their thoughts and in turn thats fed my insecurity. I guess no matter how things turn out i realize i wont have many friends left after its all said and done.

 

Alley, I have never posted on this thread before because you already have a huge support group. But I have been following it. I just wanted to make a comment on this post.

 

Friends can be both good and bad. The ones you are losing right now are not good ones. A true friend will not judge you for the decision you make and the paths you decide to go down. They will always be up lifting, always be true hearted, and always be supportive in what you choose to do. At the end of all this your true friends will bloom brightly and the bad ones will be weeded out. But the end result is you will have a beautiful garden of love and support for you to rely on.

[BetrayedH]

Have you read The 5 Love Languages?

 

I'm guessing that gifts ain't one of his big ones. That seems consistent with your history of not buying each other much. I'm kinda the same way; just don't desire much for myself.

 

Still, a thank you should have happened and he should probably hear that.