mishy Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 So my head was going to explode so i sought out a counsellor Many people here have criticised how i became obsessed with whether the girl is real or not, because of a very big elaborate lie he told me over a few weeks back in 2008. (the counsellor actually gasped when i told her) I told the counsellor the whole story dating right back to the start and she thinks that the focus on the girl being real or not, is not about the girl as such but about the fact that i was lied to once, and that i have been severely mentally tortured this time around when he announced he "met someone" because i cannot know what is real or what is not Yeah he is a jerk and she thought he was horrible., but the fact is that i cannot grieve that he is off with someone else because my mind cannot be sure it is true. So i cannot fully fall into a grief. Instead i have a prolonged state of mental torture and a confusion about what is real about him and what isnt. Its like for example someone disappears, goes missing. The family don't know where they are, and for years nothing is found. How can they grieve when they dont know the truth?
Author mishy Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 oh no its not that at all i was having a hard time dealing with teh confusion in my head. Its all about me and how i am coping and its nothing to do with seeing him.
geegirl Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 (edited) It's a given Mishy, that never knowing about whether there is a girl or not will always keep you uncertain. I struggled the same way in my past relationship to a cheater. There is NO control over that but it must not stop you from grieving the situation as a whole. What you can control is knowing that: 1. If there is a girl = Bad for Mishy 2. If there is no girl, it's a lie = Bad for Mishy Yes, a family can't grieve never knowing the truth. You know the truth. As I said, whether she is a lie or not, your truth is that he is a liar and a manipulator. That should be enough for you to close shop and walk away. Either way, you grieve the fact that you are being misled and manipulated. You want to know if there is a woman because your value and worth hangs on a balance based on whether she is a lie or not. You want to feel that you meant something to him and until you receive that validation from him, you will obsess about the woman. He won't give you that validation, he never has. The woman shouldn't be the deciding factor for you to move on and grieve. There is much to this 5 years that's enough for you to accept the death of it and move on. What is real about him and what isn't? Again you will never know because when the past 5 years have been filled with lies and manipulation, there is no possible way to tell. His treatment of you speaks to who he is. You said he was cold and cruel. This is your truth. You said he lies. This is your truth. You said he is a manipulator. This is your truth. This is your reality. He is being who he is, showing you who he is. They're great in the beginning. Don't believe that. When the ugly core shows, that is who they are. Edited October 29, 2012 by geegirl
Author mishy Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 It's a given Mishy, that never knowing about whether there is a girl or not will always keep you uncertain. I struggled the same way in my past relationship to a cheater. There is NO control over that but it must not stop you from grieving the situation as a whole. What you can control is knowing that: 1. If there is a girl = Bad for Mishy 2. If there is no girl, it's a lie = Bad for Mishy Yes, a family can't grieve never knowing the truth. You know the truth. As I said, whether she is a lie or not, your truth is that he is a liar and a manipulator. That should be enough for you to close shop and walk away. Either way, you grieve the fact that you are being misled and manipulated. You want to know if there is a woman because your value and worth hangs on a balance based on whether she is a lie or not. You want to feel that you meant something to him and until you receive that validation from him, you will obsess about the woman. He won't give you that validation, he never has. The woman shouldn't be the deciding factor for you to move on and grieve. There is much to this 5 years that's enough for you to accept the death of it and move on. What is real about him and what isn't? Again you will never know because when the past 5 years have been filled with lies and manipulation, there is no possible way to tell. His treatment of you speaks to who he is. You said he was cold and cruel. This is your truth. You said he lies. This is your truth. You said he is a manipulator. This is your truth. This is your reality. He is being who he is, showing you who he is. They're great in the beginning. Don't believe that. When the ugly core shows, that is who they are. yes the fact is that even if i asked for teh truth, i could never know if his truth was teh truth! It was manifesting as a physical ailment. Like i was waking up at 3am with a fuzzy and jumbly head - just confused like my mind couldnt help but want to figure out what was real and what isnt. The brain is pretty powerful and it was like it was off doing its own thing ticking away over everything , when i was wanting to do something else I guess its 5 years of manipulation and cruelty thats really destroyed me, not whether theres a girl or not God i wish i was free of this
Author mishy Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 It's a given Mishy, that never knowing about whether there is a girl or not will always keep you uncertain. I struggled the same way in my past relationship to a cheater. There is NO control over that but it must not stop you from grieving the situation as a whole. What you can control is knowing that: 1. If there is a girl = Bad for Mishy 2. If there is no girl, it's a lie = Bad for Mishy Yes, a family can't grieve never knowing the truth. You know the truth. As I said, whether she is a lie or not, your truth is that he is a liar and a manipulator. That should be enough for you to close shop and walk away. Either way, you grieve the fact that you are being misled and manipulated. You want to know if there is a woman because your value and worth hangs on a balance based on whether she is a lie or not. You want to feel that you meant something to him and until you receive that validation from him, you will obsess about the woman. He won't give you that validation, he never has. The woman shouldn't be the deciding factor for you to move on and grieve. There is much to this 5 years that's enough for you to accept the death of it and move on. What is real about him and what isn't? Again you will never know because when the past 5 years have been filled with lies and manipulation, there is no possible way to tell. His treatment of you speaks to who he is. You said he was cold and cruel. This is your truth. You said he lies. This is your truth. You said he is a manipulator. This is your truth. This is your reality. He is being who he is, showing you who he is. They're great in the beginning. Don't believe that. When the ugly core shows, that is who they are. i even struggle with the fact that, well was he a manipulator? was he horrible and cruel? Did i cause it? Is he actually a really nice guy and just treated me that way because of something i did or who i am? I kept going back to him because i thought well maybe he will be nice to me if i do this or dont do this. The last text messages where i was asking him what he is going to say when he comes over http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/354128-broke-nc-bad, and how he refused to even give me a hint that just really hurt. All i was asking for was well can you give me an idea of how you're feeling or what you are going to say , is it going to be a bad talk? and he refused. So i couldnt/ can't even prepare myself. Anyway i am getting a new number.
geegirl Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 i even struggle with the fact that, well was he a manipulator? was he horrible and cruel? Did i cause it? Is he actually a really nice guy and just treated me that way because of something i did or who i am? I kept going back to him because i thought well maybe he will be nice to me if i do this or dont do this. The last text messages where i was asking him what he is going to say when he comes over http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/354128-broke-nc-bad, and how he refused to even give me a hint that just really hurt. All i was asking for was well can you give me an idea of how you're feeling or what you are going to say , is it going to be a bad talk? and he refused. So i couldnt/ can't even prepare myself. Anyway i am getting a new number. It's called bargaining when you start doubting yourself. You wouldn't be in the situation you are in now because he was a nice guy. If you have to break your boundaries to turn him into a nice guy, then you have your answer. An upstanding guy would have told you the truth, sparing you pain and letting you go. But even now, he continues to manipulate, keeping you on the edge because he knows he can. He knows you will chase that dangling carrot and let him in. He didn't want to tell you on the phone because the opportunity to see you face to face serves him well and keeps you in the place where he needs you to be. He knows you cannot resist or say no if you see him. Yes, get a new number. You'll thank yourself in time.
21flames Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 I kept going back to him because i thought well maybe he will be nice to me if i do this or don't do this. That should tell you he is a manipulator, all liars and cheaters are they manipulate the person they are with and one there seeing even friends and family. It is part of the lies and decent.
Author mishy Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 I kept going back to him because i thought well maybe he will be nice to me if i do this or don't do this. That should tell you he is a manipulator, all liars and cheaters are they manipulate the person they are with and one there seeing even friends and family. It is part of the lies and decent. and even a day or so ago when i broke NC when ive been texting how im feeling to him he just doesnt say anything, only that he'll tell me when he comes over, and its just torturous that he is so controlling. All i wanted was a heads up as to what to expect. I texted him (not in these words ) so would you be trying to make sexual advances and take me to bed or are you going to be standing there telling me all about your two week gf and how much you love her? Either way i wanted warning so i could get out of it or whatever. And he refused to even give me a hint. Blanked me. ****
geegirl Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 and even a day or so ago when i broke NC when ive been texting how im feeling to him he just doesnt say anything, only that he'll tell me when he comes over, and its just torturous that he is so controlling. All i wanted was a heads up as to what to expect. I texted him (not in these words ) so would you be trying to make sexual advances and take me to bed or are you going to be standing there telling me all about your two week gf and how much you love her? Either way i wanted warning so i could get out of it or whatever. And he refused to even give me a hint. Blanked me. **** Of course. The past 5 years have been on his terms. You don't get a say. He gets to set the rules. You abide by what he wants. He blanked you out because he has to be in control.
Author mishy Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 Of course. The past 5 years have been on his terms. You don't get a say. He gets to set the rules. You abide by what he wants. He blanked you out because he has to be in control. thats right, i ask a perfectly reasonable question and it turns into a game. If he is so into this girlfriend, why, when i asked "are you going to be coming on to me" (or whatever my words were) WHY wouldnt he just say "no ofcourse not, i have a girlfriend now" He just plays a mind game. I mean thats why he ended things with me, because of her, 2 weeks ago
geegirl Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 thats right, i ask a perfectly reasonable question and it turns into a game. If he is so into this girlfriend, why, when i asked "are you going to be coming on to me" (or whatever my words were) WHY wouldnt he just say "no ofcourse not, i have a girlfriend now" He just plays a mind game. I mean thats why he ended things with me, because of her, 2 weeks ago Of course he's not going to say I'm with Ms. X. A man that lies and manipulates doesn't put anyone else's needs ahead of his. He can have several fallbacks and play each one to his benefit.
Author mishy Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 Of course he's not going to say I'm with Ms. X. A man that lies and manipulates doesn't put anyone else's needs ahead of his. He can have several fallbacks and play each one to his benefit. its hideous
Author mishy Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 he texted me offering "one last f$#@" and i said No. It felt good to put my foot down and show that i do have some standards!! .:bunny: wtf about his girlfriend?
Author mishy Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 this will never end i said no, so thats the end
geegirl Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 he texted me offering "one last f$#@" and i said No. It felt good to put my foot down and show that i do have some standards!! .:bunny: wtf about his girlfriend? He said that??? Gross. I don't know why you're surprised he'd have sex with you while he's with someone else. That's why it's called a fallback.
Leigh 87 Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 There are all the answers you need, mishy. It sounds like even if he found the love of his life, that he is just a horrible person and would not know what to do with her anyway. Don't you GET it? Even the girl he DOES care about is UNLUCKY to be with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who would WANT to be with a nasty person, who treats people like crap with NO remorse? He does not care about you or even like you, but even if he DID, you would STILL be EXTREMELY UNLUCKY to have him as a partner, knowing his true nature.
Author mishy Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 He said that??? Gross. I don't know why you're surprised he'd have sex with you while he's with someone else. That's why it's called a fallback. a few days ago when i broke NC and found out for real that he is with her i went into a panic and begged and pleaded (i wrote about it in this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/354128-broke-nc-bad) INSANE i know, but thats what happened, i just panicked.(that was saturday) So this text about "one last ****" came yesterday (monday) after he thought about it a bit i think. But how could i do that!!!!???? I am really glad i said No, as it would lead to 100 other threads on here, and untold pain. So yeah thats how it all unfolded.
Author mishy Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 There are all the answers you need, mishy. It sounds like even if he found the love of his life, that he is just a horrible person and would not know what to do with her anyway. Don't you GET it? Even the girl he DOES care about is UNLUCKY to be with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who would WANT to be with a nasty person, who treats people like crap with NO remorse? He does not care about you or even like you, but even if he DID, you would STILL be EXTREMELY UNLUCKY to have him as a partner, knowing his true nature. oh i know he likes me, he has told me often enough. Even though he has done horrible things, he does like me as a person. I mean its not like that. But yeah, when i first found out about her, i kept thinking wow he must be treating her really well, like she deserves that and i dont. But i dont think that will last. He can be really impatient, stubborn, tactless, rude, sarcastic, all types of things ( i could go on) so all those things will come out. I doubt this relationship with her will last long, just because of what i know of him.
Recommended Posts