Feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown or going to have one..

[Van Damm]

Hi all,

 

I'm using my mobile so cant really elaborate but will do my best.

 

Bit of a background. Raised by my mum, and it was a sort of a sheltered upbringing. I'm now 34 and I'm not very social, but I try and no matter how many social events I attend, I really dislike talking with different, random people. I mean I'm fine in a work environment and around close friends,and fam but its not good enough. I feel like not part of the "norm". I don't blame my parents either but I know that if I was not kept indoors most of the time when I was a teen, things may have been at least easier and it wouldn't feel so tough to be at social gatherings now at this ripe old age.

 

8 months ago I split with my ex of only 5 months and out of all my long term relationships, this one being less than a year has affected me the most. I still don't understand why this is. I've never taken this long to heal. Crying day and night, I still feel a great big loss after all this time and maybe its because he made a huge impact in my life when we were together. I've never struggled so much to move on before. Somedays I'm angry with myself about it. I used to have a great figure and in the past 8 months I've put on a stone and a half and I feel more miserable than the day he said it was over. I freak out that I'll bump into him and see my looking like an overweight, depressed so and so, it'll confirm he definitely made the right decision.

 

I was living with him so i.e I had no place to stay, so moved back to my mums and it was so soul destroying, especially at my age...

 

I feel listless, I can't even focus on anything, I don't make songs anymore, Im not working due to ny plummeting confidence, actually I have none left since the break up. I used to be upbeat ans carefree, didn't take crap. Now I'm so weak and helpless.

 

I blame myself because I pit myself here. I know what I need to do but I'm finding it extremely hard to make the move for ny own sanity.

 

I really need help because for the first time today, I was just sitting thinking (I seem to be sitting and thinking a lot these days) and my breathing became very short ans I felt like I was going to either faint or die. I'm constantly having a go at people for no reason, I've become ultra sensitive and burst out crying at anything said to do with what I'm going through.

 

For the first time in my life I feel like I've lost control. Can't stop eating for comfort and to fill whatever void I'm trying to fill, can't stop thinning about him.

 

I'm out of work and have been trying ny hardest to find work that will cover all bills ans rent. No responses. I updates my CV etc. I'm seriously at a loss and sometimes I think about ending it...the thought of waking up to a new day fills me with dread. I've thought about buying drugs to.numb the pain also...I feel like I'd do anything drastic to stop feeling.

 

I'm so mentally exhausted.

 

Lastly, I downloaded some Osho meditation for the opening chakras, see if that will help somehow. I tried it before but wasn't in a bad place at that time. I'm hoping it will have aim kind of positive effect.

 

Apologies for the mammoth message and I'm typing from a mobile so please excuse any errors or misunderstanding.

Edited October 29, 2012 by Van Damm