A Conundrum of Love

[Dagorath]

First and foremost I would like to say that I am completely new to this notion of asking others for help; especially through the anonymity of an online forum. However; I have been humbled as of late by how thoroughly my delusions have engulfed me into a world of shadow and despair. Before that sounds like a pity party, allow me to clarify that my primariy method of personal therapy over the years has been to sit and write down my thoughts, and then reference them at a later date to gauge whether or not my responses were appropriate. Up to this point, I have found it to be a sufficient strategy; however, it comes with disasterous collateral. A person who confides only in their own mind, alienates themselves from the socially accepted norms. As a result, my ideas are not consistent with my peers and I end up an outcast. Up to this point, this fact has not bothered me. I find as I grow older into my 20's, however; that I am increasingly seeking new methods of thought.

 

As a matter of contextual importance I will now divulge a bit of information about myself, while maintaining anonymity of course. I am a 25 year old man living in a small town and attending college. I am currently working through a double major and I have 3 semesters until I graduate with two bachelor's degrees. I moved to this town from a smaller town after I caught my ex-girlfriend of 2 years cheating on me with her ex; finding out further that it had been happening throughout a majority of the relationship. Needless to say; this interaction, among many othe crutches I have kept to myself, have fueled a series of demons and scars within me; but I will go more into that momentarily. I was living in a town with a buddy of mine working as a manager at Petsmart. I loved my job and I was damn good at it, however; I had always had the desire to go to college. When I found out how devious my ex was, I decided to change several things in my life and better myself. I applied for college, found a place to live, found financing, and moved within 6 weeks. Since then I have been working out, going to school, and trying to mend my broken past with her.

 

Since I have moved to this little town, I have been single for a majority of the time. I met a girl in this town that I really fell for in my first year. She was a gorgeous little blonde, and so much fun to hang out with. We had a great chemistry and to be honest she helped me to overcome some of the demons I had burried from my ex. There was a problem; however, as she was moving to a city 200 miles away. I decided that I didn't want to do long distance; and so I gave her up. We stayed in contact, and months and months later, I regretted the decision. I had found, that her personality and beauty were a rare combination that was difficult to come by. I kicked myself for an unwillingness to try. To this day, we are good friends; and she lives with a boyfriend in that city. I couldn't be happier for her, but there will always be an element of envy, and the question of "what if?"

Being in a college town has the perk of meeting a lot of girls; but it also has the disadvantage of nearly every relationship attempt being fleeting at best. Realistically, 80% of the student body goes home for winter and summer break. As such, I have found that many girls aren't looking for anything serious; or have a relationship at home. As a result; I have had my fun, but found nothing of substance. One issue that I believe has arised from this is a permenance of trust and committment issues. Dating a girl and not caring too much for the end result is great for a while; but when serotonin starts to take over and the feelings of love start to kick in, I often distance myself or break it off. The reason for this has often perplexed me, but I find it to be more often than not a fear based response lingering from my past. Compounding the issue, is the realization that this is the reason I gave up on Rebecca.

 

I have been frustrated with relationships and with love in general. My history is that of the cautious pessimist who is both arrogant and condescending, and as such I found my way into a circle of apathy in regards to relationships and love. A year and a few months ago, I got my own apartment in this little town. I had decided to stop living with a friend of mine who was arguably more pessimistic than me. I wanted to get my own place and be free of the influence of others so I could find out who I really am. Also; who can pass up the glory of having an apartment all to themselves? It was a great time, and I loved almost every moment I had in that place with the exception of a few. I lived in that apartment for a year, and was single for the entirety of it, working 40 hours a week, taking 18 credit hours, and hitting the gym 5 days a week. It was a glorious time of unprecedented progress; and that was extremely addictive for me.

While I live in a house now with friends, the truth of the matter is simple: I am tired of being alone. All of these years, friend sand family have had the impiression that I am an extremly strong individual, emotionally and intellectually. In reality, I have fought sadness and depression for many years now. Ever since I got my own apartment I have fought mornings of suffocating despair, and nights of perpetual lonelines. I have fought insecurity when it comes to having a relationship, I have fought fear, and I have fought myself and the doubt which ensues from relentless self-analysis. I have fought pessimism, cynicism, and the apathy that is wrought of them. I have fought and struggled for years under a calm guise, and always to myself with a pen and paper.

 

I never really opened up to people because the act of doing so appeared to me to be a weakness. I had my own definition of what it was to be a man, and to be strong, and confessing a state of depression to others was not included, or allowed. As I stated before, I have been, and am arrogant in intellectual measures. I have long been cynical and viewed depression as a symptom of weakness. A quote that was on my fridge in my apartment read, "The strong did what they could, and the weak suffered what they must" -Thucydides. Therfore, I found it fit to work through my issues alone, with the best rhetoric I could muster. Still, the reality is that I was embarassed of my scars, and my wounds. They were both perplexing and terrifying, and every day was spent in delusion imaging a world I believed I could never have. I had reached a point of numbness where I looke dupon beauty and did not even try. It was not even physical insecurity which detracted me, but emotional ineptitude.

 

The scars with my ex had left wounds, and my mind had rationalized a pessimistic argument which negated hope. I had convinced myself of several reasons I had lost her, and my self-loathing was rather high, despite being an attractive young man with a good mind, and a future. I imagined I would lose any girl I tried for because inevitably I would destroy her self-esteem and she would leave me. I existed in delusion; dreaming of the day when I would no longer be alone - the day when I would find an amazing girl to be with.

 

About 6 months ago I met a girl, who we will refer to as Tiffany. I had met her through a buddy of mine one time when we had gone on a lake trip. She was the younger sister of a girl who was dating my buddy. While her age was a red-flag in my book, being as I am 5 years older than her in our young twenties (I mention this because I am aware of the notion that "love knows no age," however; in regards to differences in goals, aspirations, committment, and desires - 5 years in the low twenties may as well be 20 years in our 30's). Still I was attracted to hear beauty. I had been trying to fight my way out of the shell of pessimism and apathy I had come to perpetuate, and under anebriated conditions I ended up having a great time and flirting with this girl.

 

On my last round of wakeboarding that day I fell and the rope wrapped around my arm, breaking a bone in my wrist. Struggling back to the boat, I was struck by her compassion for me which furthered an interest that I had in her. I went home later that day not thinking much of it and engaging in pessimism once more - citing the reasons and ways in which any attempt would fail. I brought myself back down to a place of numbness and went back to my life of work, school, and working out. My attempts were futile, however; as we conversed heavily through text messages. About two weeks later I was hanging out with my buddy again, and we went down to Phoenix to visit his girlfriend and party at their house for her birthday. Tiffany and this girl were room mates in the house, and so we all hung out that night. Although I wouldn't admit it to myself, I was excited to see her again in person.

 

That night was the first official night of the romance. My buddy and his girlfriend got into a fight and went to bed early, leaving Tiffany and I in the pool for the remainder of the night. I flirted with her that night, and couldn't resist the urge to kiss her. Afterwards, we went to her room; but she refused to have sex with me - which I completely respected in light of what I was used to in a college town. I had a few days off in a row, and so my buddy and I ended up staying and going to the river with them the next day. I hung out with Tiffany all day again, and enjoyed the chemistry we exhibited. Interestingly, Tiffany was a perpetual optimist, who chose to see the world through that lens; even when despair was overwhelming. I was poisoned by her smile and her constant state of happiness and joy - it was and is still intoxicating to a man who has existed in a pessimistic state of despair for so long. Furthermore, her personality almost mirrored exactly that of Rebeccas, and so through her I found a comfort and an attraction I hadn't found in years. That night we had sex for the first time, and it was great.

 

Most people don't find sex and lust to be an important part of a relationship - or tend to quote utopian ideas about love vs. lust. As a person who watches Ted talks religiously, I happen to understand the relationship between sexual climas, and serotonin in the brain. Fundamentally, sex gives us a chemical route to enfuatuation short term, and so I find any claim that sex is unimportant in matters of a relationship completely inaccurate. Also, as an arrogant young man I have been unwilling to settle, and I seek an attractive mate. But I digress. We had great sex, and so I went home with a feeling I hadn't had for years.

Arriving home and having time to think my way back into a state of pessimism once more; I quoted the reasons that the relationship would not work - primarily the distance issue. Tiffany lived in the same city that Rebecca did 200 miles away, and so once again I resorted to what is considered the logical argument for that love not working. I told myself that love is based on proximity, I told myself she was young an wouldn't commit, I told myself it was temporary lust and enfatuation and that I didn't know if I actually liked anything about her beyond her looks and addictive personality. Still, we texted and I enjoyed her optimism and the conversations we had. She was enfatuated with me, and not afraid to show it; I was enfatuated with her, and afraid to show it.

 

At this point I had been single for over a year. The notion of sex with her, and especially sex with her because it is the best I had ever had, was addictive. It was summer at this point, and so I had time to go up and see her. What ensued was a relationship where we would see eachother at least once a week, and sometimes two or three days. She came up to visit me, and I went down to visit her. Of course there was a plethora of sex, and intimacy, but even beyond that we made a habit of going on adventures to random places, going on hikes, trying new restaurants, etc. In all reality, it was a relationship; although I was tentative to put a label on it because I knew school was starting in a few months, and I didn't want to set myself up for dissapointment.

 

The truth of the matter is that I have always been a hopeless romantic at heart. My attempts to be a "player" with women have always backfired because after having sex for a while, emotions arise and I can't help but pursue them. This was a primary factor in my reaction to slingshot myself into numb loneliness when I got my own place. Still I attempted to maintain a distance with this girl because I didn't want to A) get to into her and chase her away, or B) get too into her, and get hurt. Still, I was very into this girl and unwilling to give her up. Further, we had both begun to develop the notion of "claim" on that person, as is consistent in a relationship. I was didn't want to share her, but I was unwilling to commit. In retrospect, I was cold to her, and that is one aspect that has come back to haunt me.

 

Just before school started we had a conversation and I remember her asking me, "what we were." She continued saying that she wanted to make sure I wasn't just going to have sex with a bunch of girls when school starts back up; something I had never pursued or had any efficacy for. Stil, she didn't know that and she was right to question things, being as I had been distant and unwilling to commit. I told her that I wanted to play it by ear and see what happened. Our schedules were made before we had met, and so we really had no time to see eachother. We were both working full time and our only day was Friday. Still; I was content with that and unwilling to give her up. I was intoxicated by the feeling of having someone importnat in my life again.

 

As the weeks have gone on, and we are 8 weeks in now; the struggle to see eachother has become difficult. This is in part my fault, but I would also assign her some blame. For me, it was the allure of being able to see her and hang out on Friday's being stripped away by some other obligation; whether it be work, or family, or friends. That to me was frustrating since I spent my week hyping up my chance to see her, hold her, kiss her, go out with her, and of course; have sex with her.

 

Unbeknownst to me; I was slipping into committment and shadows of my past were beginning to show. In the relationship with my ex, I had passed several red flags, choosing instead to trust her and have faith that she loved me and wouldn't do that. When it all came crashing down, a pessimistic caution warned me to never pass up red flags again. I am extremely sensetive and admittedly paranoid about small signs which may signify the betrayal and loss I have had in the past. So I looked for these things. I looked for any sign of her distancing herself, I looked for any time it seemed like she was making excuses, I was looking for all of the signs I had seen in my past. In the self-therapy and resolution I had forced myself through with my ex I had concluded that several things like betrayal were crimes of opportunity and that no person was immune. I found it fit therefore to expect and assume the worst, while hoping for the best.

When I hadn't seen her for 4 weeks , 3 of which were dissapointment due to schedule changes, I was frustrated, paranoid, and skeptical, and so I allowed myself to fall into the trap of paranoia and imaging worst case scenarios. The last time I saw her was a day when I managed to switch a shift on Sunday. My buddy had invited a bunch of people, including myself, to a football game and she was going. I planned therefore to surprise her with flowers and so excited I said nothing. Still I held a paranoia that I might stumble upon something horrible. When in the past I surprised my ex; I caught her. So I went down to see this girl with all of this paranoia in my head. I had talked to my sister who didn't like her to begin with who had made me more paranoid - not that I can lay any blame on her - this is my issue to deal with.

 

I surprised her and she was happy but noticably tentative. That night after much needed sex, we stopped to talk. She was tired and irresponsive at the end, but I brought up some issues that I had let slide. At this point I had decided that I wanted to commit to her, but had decided that I wanted to be more of a priority in her life. I respected that she had school, and work, but I needed to know that she was making an effort to see me once a week. Another issue was that at this point I was visiting her much more than she was coming to see me; another red flag. So I laid it all out. She fell asleep and so I went to sleep feeling rather unfulfilled about the topic. Another topic I had decided to address was her and her exes, and what relationship they had. I know a lot of people don't like to talk about this subject, but I feel that it is important to understand the conditions and circumstances that the relationship ended in. The goal here is not to open the wound, but to award me an understanding and allow me to trust her in a long distance relationship, where cheating is easy to say the least. I asked her about her exes, and she was tentative to tell me. I also asked her how many people she had been with because this was another important part. A girl who is 20 and has been with a large number of men is likely to continue that trend - and if I am 200 miles away, I will end up the sucker of another betrayal. In retrospect the talk was invasive, and cold hearted. I told her about how many partners I had, and about my exes, and got partial answers out of her about her exes. She told me several times that she would not date her exes again, and I explained to her that I know she knows the reasons for that, but that I don't; and that I had to take everything by faith.

 

The next morning we woke up to go to the game. She went to take a shower and shave her legs and laying there awake, I contemplated on what to do. I was wrought with paranoia still and felt that my questions were unresolved by her the night before. I fought myself on a notion for a while, but I had been fighting myself on this notion for some time. The notion, the idea, the crime - was whether or not I should look through her phone to see if her explanation of the relationship she had with her exes was consistant. I was paranoid because she had been distant as of late, and so I allowed myself to fall into that trap, and I did. Let me just say that I don't condone my behavior, and in retrospect it is both pitiful and extremely disrespectful. So I looked through her phone, and while she was cordial with them, I did not find what I thought I would. Still, there was something vague about it, and I wanted to talk to her about it. I had gone into looking into her phone with the intention of telling her about it, regardless of the consequences. In my mind, that was almost a justification - which is twisted to say the least. My other justification is that when I had done that with my ex of two years, I had found what I was afraid to find. It all felt like a repeat with all of the same red flags.

When she got out of the shower I didn't mention it. We were in a hurry and I didn't want to ruin the day, so I just tucked it away and we had a good day at the game. Still there were times she would catch me staring off in thought and ask what was wrong. I am not one to sugar coat, or lie, nor am I good at it after being single and pessimistic for so long, so at the game I told her I would tell her later. When we got home that night, we sat down and we had a talk, but a much more stern one this time. She was concerned, and wanted to know what was wrong. Let me say before I proceed, that even looking back on this makes me feel like crap. I proceeded to tell her about looking through her phone and I questioned her on some of the texts. I basically interrogated her for my own benefit, and in retrospect it was wrong. At the time I was so caught up in fear and paranoia, that I just fell into it. I was cold again, assuming pessimistically that it was going to end tonight, and I might as well be honest... And how often pessimism makes for a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

The worst part of that night is that mid-talk, I had to leave. I had carpooled up with a bunch of people and they were ready to leave. And so I had to leave everything unresolved. With what we had accomplished, I actually felt better, and felt like I could trust her for. I apologized for looking through her phone, and for my bluntless, and I told her that I knew it was wrong. I told her that I had gained trust for her, and the cost of her trust for me. I felt stupid for looking through her phone, and I wish I would have had more time with her to calm down and talk it out.

 

We left angry instead. We drove home, and it was a somber drive home. I had a lot to think about and so did she. I worked my way through thought for 2 days, writing, and talking to a few close friends. I talked to my buddy, who was dating her sister about it. At this point, I had been humbled by many ephipanies while I was with this girl and so I was questioning whether the body of knowledge I had accumulated was at all relevant. In talking to my buddy, he helped me to realize several things. Obviously I have trust issues, but I knew that before. What I didn't know, was how deep and prevalent my wounds were. I didn't realize how much they had warped my perception of the world. My friend said my distrust for her was like punishing someone for a crime they hadn't committed. In my mind it was a precaution. I amounted it more to the metaphor of puttings bars in the windows of my shop so that I don't get robbed.

 

After my ex, and the unconditional, albeit, naive trust I had given her, I had come to think that all trust must be earned, and not given. I never realized that without some trust to begin with, a relationship can't even begin. I felt stupid, I was humbled, and I wanted to explain my revelations to her and fix things. I wasn't ready to give up.

 

That day I told her that I was sorry again, and she said it was ok. She was an optimist and good at forgiving people, which was one of the reasons he was so cordial with her exes. I explained to her that I wanted to make it work, and I knew that we had scheduling difficulties, and I have trust issues, but that if we put a label on it, I would at least feel better that people knew. I told her to think about it. She was at work, and she said she would text me when she got out - I told her to call me instead. That night we had a terrible conversation. I began by apologizing once again, and trying to explain the root of my trust issues and my insanity. I told her about my epiphany. I told her that she deserves better from me, and that I can give it to her. I admitted that I was tentative and cold in the beginning, which she had interpreted as, I was using her for sex; and how I was sorry and wanted to commit to her.

 

Despite my revalations, her revelations were different. She explained to me that the reason she had been distant that week and weeks prior is because she was afraid it wasn't going to work because of scheduling conflicts. That day she had accepted new responsibility at work and she was so excited to take it on. However; this new opportunity meant she had to work Fridays leaving us no days to see eachother. She explained that she knew I was getting frustrated, and so she basically told me that she doesn't think it would work. I was trying to be rational, and not rely purely on emotions. I was angry, upset, and in my mind it translated into insecurities of the past. I didn't tell her, but in essence it seemed like she didn't think I was worth it. She told me that she was young, and that she was into work an school, and that she wasn't willing to put me above that as a priority - which is fair. I can respect that because I hve those aspirations myself. I offered up counter points, saying that we could see eachother after school is out, but she shot them down.

 

I have dealt with girls who have spent a whole day building up a bulwark of, "no," and so I realized it was futile at that point to try to change her mind. She had been dwelling and going through the motions all day, she was upset about the night before, and the wounds were fresh. I really like this girl, and I didn't want to close the door, and so I agreed that we would stop doing... whatever it was we were dong; essentially a relationship without the title - and we hung up.

 

There was something so sad in her voice, and my interpretation tells me that she didn't want to do it. Then again, the mind sees what it wants to, which is why I am here writing now - although I assume most of you have ceased reading my novel.

 

It has been 3 weeks since then, and I have been cordial and optimistic towards her. I have been friendly, and we text every day, as much if not more as when we were something. There are touchy subjects, and there is less sexual talk, and fewer compliments, but the core is still there. Still, I sense something lingering in the texts that makes me unwilling to surrender. I am not particularly good at the humility of giving up anyways, as my life has shown me that perseverance is the hallmark of a champion.

One time I had told her that the way I used to get girls in high school was to draw a graphic graphitti image of their name and give it to them, and then ask them out. I remember her asking me one time if she was going to get her name one day. My response was consistantly cold and was a simple, "maybe." In truth I wanted to surprise her with it that sunday when I went to surprise her anyways, but the one I was working on was not finished. So I started a new one, and the largest one I have ever done. I am an artist, and so I have thus far put about 20 hours into this drawing by stipling 3 giant flowers, the largest of which is 10 inches in diameter (that's a lot of dots!). I am a strategist by nature, and so my plan was to let the wounds heal and then mail her this picture in a glass frame I will build with a note on the front that says, "call me." From there I will tell her how I feel and how I think we can make it through. How she was never just a good lay, and how I think she is worth it.

 

About a week ago, a week after it had happened. We were texting one night, and I crossed the line without meaning to. She got a new bedspread and so I texted her to send me a picture. She did and I replied jokingly that I was hoping for a picture of her in her bed in her underwear. She took the offensive and told me that with the next girl I shouldn't treat her like a good lay. I told her that she never was, and difussed it slightly. At the end I told her that I know a lot is stacked up against us, but that I still wanted something between us.

 

Since then I have been losing sleep over this drawing that I haven't told her about. I've been allowing myself to bask in this delusion that things are going well between us and that I might be able to fix things by proving to her that I care. Also, our texting has gone back to being very personal. The other day I told her that I had worked out my legs so hard that I almost fell down the stairs on the way down. She said I must have worked them out pretty hard, and I joked about how I had to get rid of my chicken legs. She responded by saying that my arms and back more than make up for it. I responded that those are going to get better too, and that I was on a full gym regiment. The told me that she didn't know if that was possible and that they were already so nice. She said, "I'm not going to lie, I love your back and arms." To which I responded, "I love your whole body. You are absolutely gorgeous." She thanked me and so I felt some essence of what we had return. I don't know how to interpret this, and to be honest, it may be as simple as, "it was nothing." But it seems as though she is dealing with losing me too and perhaps wants me back as well. I havn't mentioned, or asked because I am finishing up my drawing as an ace in the hole to tear down that bulwark so she can tell me how she really feels.

 

Still, I find myself plagued with emotions which render me blind. I try to find flaws with her just to make sure I still can, and I try to make peace with the idea of her with another guy, although I haven't. I know that I haven't because last night for halloween she put on the sexiest little Captain America dress. She said she was going out with her sister and said she was going to be Captain America. She did, and I told her how beautiful she was. She sent a text message with a smile and a thank you, as I went to sleep, because I work early.

 

I found myself sinking back into places of pessimism and jealousy, however; assuming the worst about a girl who had only been with 4 guys. I couldn't sleep, and so I stayed up. I went on Facebook last night to find an image of her in her little dres looking beautiful as ever with one of her exes. In the picture it is hard to tell what is going on, but I justify in my head that he has his arm around her and they are standing extremely close to one another. I don't suspect anything malicious from the past, because she had told me that in regards to this guy that it was a mistake and she was just young and stupid. Still, I was overcome with jealousy and rage. I found myself swinging wildy from anger to saddness, and I kicked myself for being such a mess. In my mind, I feel like that behavior is crazy - but I had spent the past 2 weeks dreaming of this girl, and thinking of getting her back while I spent hours on the drawing. I went for a drive to clear my head.

 

I was telling myself that I can't just assume the worst. I can't just assume that she slept with him again, or that the flame is rekindled based on an image. Further, I have no right whatsoever to be upset towards her - we are nothing. She has every right, there is no trust issue, but there is still hurt and pain in me. In my head I add up an equation that says she is angry, hurt, and vulnerable. To make things worse, I know the guy, and I absolutely despise him as a sweet talker to tells women what they want to hear.

 

I didn't sleep a wink last night, and I worked on that drawing bedgrudingly as I swung from anger to saddness, trying to force myself to cope and accept this. I am going to finish the drawing and send it to her. It is my apology, and a way of showing her I care I don't know quite how she feels, nor do I know what, if anything has happened with her ex. There's no way I can bring it up to her without sounding psycho, even though the truth of the matter is enigmatic and all consuming. Again, I have to fight my past and take it on faith.

 

I guess my question despite all of this giant backstory is whether or not my reasoning is justified given what you now know. My primary method f working through problems, and self discovery is to ask questions, and answer them as best I can, with the best rhetoric possible. Therefore, in writing today I asked myself a series of questions, starting with: do I love her, or the idea of her? can I love both?

 

Long have I souht an eloquent definition of love. In my pessimistic conclusions I had written that the most basic form of love is that "love is admiration." It was a definition that worked because it covered all love, ranging from love for a pair of shoes, to love for a child. So I ask myself: Do I admire her? Greatly. She has something which I have never been able to have - which is optimism to pursue something better without falling into the trap of pessimism and despair. She's the ying to my yang if you will. I also admire her beauty, which covers lust, and sexual attraction. I also admire her drive both in college and at work, and lastly I admire her compassion for myself and others. So In attempting to answer the question; I believe I do love her.

 

Now I wonder how much of my conclusions about her are true. I realize that the mind sees what it wants, especially when blinded by emotions. This is why I am seeking to find some truth behind such a hastened enfatuation.

 

Let me begin in an attempt to find reasons not to pursue her. First and oremost she is young and beautiful. Chaos awaits the man who attempts ot reign in a young woman in s uch a state of tumultuous change. In all liklihood she will be 21 going to bars and meeting guys and decide to leave me to see what else is out there; after I have fallen in love with her. Going off the age, she will not be wanting something permenant for years, meaning I will not be a priority for some time; and as such, I am disposable.

 

The next case is that she is not extremely intelligent. She is a socialite and an expert with people. It will make her successful even though she struggles with basic algebra. this has long been a point of friends and family who suggest that I should date a girl who matches my intellectual capacity. However; being as I seem to have no capacity in social dealings, specifically those pertaining to not being a crappy boyfriend; this does not bother me at all. We have been taught in our industrial society that if someone is not good a core liberal studies; they are stupid. But I think she has a wealth of people knowledge that I do not. Also, her optimism, even if based on oblivousness or consequence; is an extreme strength in a world were attitude means everything. That of all things, I envy most. That, of all things has humbled me the most.

 

Last, and probably most paramount is the inevitability of distance issues. One proponent of love is proximity. The closer people are and the more time they spend together, the more in love they become. This is the largest challenge facing long distance. Still, I believe we have sufficient enfatuation to overcome this so long as both sides are willing to commit. I can tell you that the sexual and physical desire are huge, and that the emotional connection is huge as well. So many times we just laid in her bed talking about anything and everything. Additionally, we share many of the same loves, including food, activities, and an obsession with coffee. We both believe heavily in fittness, our educations, our futures, and good worth ethics. To be honest; even right now I feel biased as I am trying to make the case for myself with masterful rhetoric. But how much of it is actually true? I feel truly blinded.

 

The true conundrum is what she wants, which I will find out soon. I wrote the other day that pesismism makes for a self-fulfilling prophecy and so I am trying to be optimistic even though I am wrought with concern and jealousy over her ex at the moment. For a man like my old room mate, he believes he is just a bi-standard playing odds. I believe that we can affect our realities through the way we perceive them. Essentially the viewpoints are: A) that we are empowered to affect change in our circumstances in life or B) that we are helpless in some or all circumstances and mus tknow which ones to avoid. For a long time I believed only in B. Recently I have found interest in A, especially in light of this girl. I think in truth, the answer is that both of these alternatives exist. I have found that most things, while defined by extremes, exist in the middle, in a gray area.

Well it is time for my lunch break now. Any feedback from anyone still reading would be much appreciated. I am trying very hard to be rational and not emotional and crazy.

[TMichaels]

Welcome to the forum, Dagorath. But, I have a hint for you: "Masterful rhetoric" isn't going to fly here.

 

While there certainly are people who are willing to listen and provide their two cents, no one has time to wade through a tome like the one you have written. I'm usually quite patient, and I gave up after the wall of text AKA as Paragraph Three.

 

So if you decide to stick around (and I hope you do), if you goal is to get some feedback or advice, make it short and sweet and get to the point, and save the rest for your journal.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[umirano]

Hi Dagorath, I invested ~10 min, my guess is I covered 50%. I'll continue with the rest when I have time. If you want fast and accurate answers, be more terse. People tend to lose focus when they have to read a novel to understand what your question is. Other than that, a lot of your story sounds familiar.

 

cu

[Dagorath]

Simply posting a question or asking for opinions is pointless considering how different circumstances can be. I don't want two cents. If I wanted anything it is for someone to tell me whether my methodology and thought are grounded in reality or if I am drifting away into delusion. My "masterful rhetoric," is something that my mind does. Academically, it is an incredible strength - emotionally, and in regards to relationship; it is a vice like no other.

 

I do appreciate the effort, but I am not ashamed of my ability to write. Nor would I consider this a "journal entry." I'm not documenting life for the sake of documenting life. I was giving backstory to explain the circumstances which have led to a very unique situation which may be vaguely similar to what others have dealth with.

 

In any case, the situation has resolved itself.

 

As luck would have it, she is going back to one of her exes whom I identified as a point of contention. She is young, and stubborn, and thinks she has to even at the cost of losing me. There is nothing I can do if the other person does not want some manner of the same. I gave her the drawing and she liked it, fighting tears as I told her how I felt and then proposed a solution.

 

In some respect, I feel justified in my initial response of being cold and distant - surmising even then that this would be an inevitable end. Still I am not going to take the path of a pessimistic train of thought. In my head I have told myself that nothing is a loss, so long as you learn something from it. What I have learned from this beautiful young girl is to trust in people again, and to make myself vulnerable to find love. Afterall, you can't fall in love if you aren't willing to fall.

 

If anything; she has restored some faith to me that there are things out there worth fighting for. She has humbled my arrogant self-fulfilling prophecies through; nascent innocence, if nothing else - and shown me that I must remain open minded, and most of all - optimistic. I am going to take this and learn from it, and move on.

 

While there is hurt, and I know there will be more - I am not going to sink into the same mistakes of the past with dwelling on this issue. I am going to take the hit and keep moving because that is what life is all about.

[sweetkiwi]

i read it all. And man you are worked up! Its one of the downfalls of the intelligent. Over analyzing everything. You care about her. Go get her. I just left my man because he couldn't open up emotionally. I love him. But all i want is for him to be open to me. If you don't tell this girl how you feel she will never know and you will have lost before you even began.

[Dagorath]

Criticism accepted, and I don't disagree. This was all off the top of my head, and it has typos because I am at work using Wordpad. Also; I fundamentally believe that it is a simple question and my attempts to convolute the issue are merely the act of a man trying to justify and impossible scenario.

 

Ayn Rand said that a man who pursues a contradiction will inevitably destroy himself. While she was a woman of severe austerity, I can't help but find truth in this. The real trouble is defining what is a contradiction. I find it improper and overly simplistic to generalize a person based on their age; but perhaps it is right more often than not?

 

Still, I think we would all like to believe that we have found something which defies the rules. We all want to believe we found something special that is the exception to the rule. Very much like those who believe they are above their instinctual human nature - we who share that mindset are often prone to disappointment and heart break.

 

No one ever said love was logical; which is why my thought process is inherently flawed.

[Dagorath]

When I met her, I had told myself that she was my catalyst, to break me free from the prison I had built to protect myself. Basic chemistry tells us that often the catalyst is lost in the reaction - I suppose this is no different.

[Dagorath]

Also, Sweetkiwi - I appreciate the input. I actually went down there yesterday to see some family I have in town. I asked her if I could swing by and I gave her a picture I drew of her name. Not to toot my own horn but it was pretty spectacular and I lost several nights working on it.

 

I wanted to give her something to prove I care that wasn't just another purchased gift. I made the drawing 30"X25", and I custom built a frame, and put a glass front on it. I wrapped it up nice, and gave it to her and when she opened it I told her how I felt.

 

On the way over I thought - "Bare it all, because it is over either way." So I told her how much I care, and how I thought we could get through it.

 

She is going to give her ex who has screwed her over several times another chance. It boils my blood, but what can I really do? The answer is nothing. I gave her a great piece of artwork that I really put my heart and mind into; I hand delivered it; I told her everything and how I feel; I plead my case for why we should stay together without sounding desperate or begging (which I won't do), and her response was to keep up the bulwark.

 

As a man, dealing with a young woman who is desperately hiding from her emotions - I don't know what else I can do except walk away and move on.

Edited November 3, 2012 by Dagorath

[sweetkiwi]

there's your problem right there. She was never your solution. You have to find that alone. Not through relationships. I love ayn rand. But she was a cynical bitter old lady. You are young. I am also 25 and am learning so so much as time goes on.

 

You are your own enemy or your own best friend. This post was about the girl but there's a much larger context here. It seems while you continued to move forward and become a do-er, but you never healed your mind and soul.

 

Once you start doing that you will see real changes in all aspects of your life. I wish you the best.

[Dagorath]

I have long shared the same mentality. That is the reason I decided I wanted to live by myself. I have always believed that it is my own responsibility to fix my own issues. I don't like to lay my burden on others - nor do I like to bring baggage into a new relationship.

 

The real issue I have found is that I have convouted my thoughts to the point that I don't even know what distorted logic can be considered baggage. I wrote in a poem one time,

 

"What wounds exist are deep within,

and lay beyond the realm of sin,

Where angels neither come nor go,

And thoughts resist the urge of woe."

 

The wounds I carried from my past warped my definitions of the present. I didn't even know they were there until I did something stupid and looked back on it or talked to other people. Sometimes we don't know the ways our mind has found to cope.

 

In that respect, finding a great person who helps us regain our faith in humanity and relationships is therapy in and of itself. I came into this endeavor cold and numb, and I am leaving refreshed, but somber.

 

I wrote in that same poem,

 

"How to fight what can't be seen?

and mend the pieces lost between?

No elegance required here,

Except to fight and face the fear.

To trust and hope and gather faith,

And fight the gaze of wicked wraith.

That one day I may gather strength,

and fight the past of lonely length."

 

Thanks again for your input. And you are probably right. She probably isn't the right girl. To be perfectly honest; she is making a stupid choice, and I hate that she has to go through it. He is going to hurt her again and I'm not going to be there waiting to pick up the pieces - I'm not a fall back, or a lay-away boyfriend. However; I am stubborn myself and I know that the best experience in life is phenomenological - I can't say that I wouldn't do the same because I am both stubborn and arrogant.