sinner Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Sometimes we OW want help and advice, but maybe more often than not we just want.....support. Support!? Lord, girl, have you come to the wrong place!
Author Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 Spock, what I am most curious about is why and how you have become a married-man magnet. There has to be something about the way you present yourself (whether intentional or not) that tells them that you are open to these kinds of advances. Do these men travel in the same social circle?...Are they all employees where you work? Do you think it may have anything to do with the reputation you have inadvertently created for yourself?? Lord, no. We were talking last night-he told me he likes to f*ck. That's it. No emotion at all involved. (although the guy cries at movies) and that from the moment he saw me he wanted to f*ck me-this is before I paid him any mind at all. I hardly knew him, and he wanted me. So I'm not sure if I can even answer that. Not a co worker. Not same social circle. Men are generally attracted to my personality-I imagine the force of it. I'm fun. Not bad, just fun. I don't think I want to get attatched to him. He tries to get into my headspace-figure me out-wants to know who I else I am sleeping with.
Author Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO Kia, it goes much deeper than becoming someone "who tells tall tales." If ONLY it were that simple. My fear for Spock is that she will become so good at shutting off her emotions, that she'll loose the ability to connect to that aspect of herself again. On one hand, we can view her ability to walk away from one affair after another (with little or no emotional fallout) as a "strength". Something many people in similar situations may admire. But in time, practice makes perfect and soon her "strengths" could become her greatest downfall. Will she become totally incapable of sustaining a healthy, emotionally-invested relationship for the long haul?…Or unable to even recognize (or appreciate) a GOOD relationship partner even if he bit her on the ars? And how about Spock's relationship with herself? Is she truly the secure, confident and happy-go-lucky person that she projects? Or might that be a smoke screen to compensate for the fact that she feels something is lacking in her life ---some internal void she is trying to fill --- a self-esteem boost that can only be fueled by pursuing relationships with unavailable men. Could her thought process be: "I am only as strong as my greatest challenge?" And if so --- what will this do to her self-esteem over time if she continues to invest herself in relationships where she is already predestined to end up the loser? Someone on this forum once quoted: "The definition of insanity is when we keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again, expecting different results." I concur! I don't shut off emotions so much as conceal them-I'm very capable of feeling pain. I've been in situations where it feels like the world will end if a relationship does. I took away from THAT pain that life indeed goes on. I'm not afraid of life. I have my confident days, and my non confident days. I personally try to think that I'm great all the time, because no one else will do it for me. Self esteem is a flexible thing. I get the same kind of boost from flirtations from single men as I do anyone else. And it's not always a boost. If I don't like the person.
Author Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 …and there's MORE! Perhaps my interpretation of "happiness" is just different than some folks? You know, you two gals remind me so much of my old friend. Trying so hard to convince the world that everything's "okay" in a desperate attempt to hide what's really going on. Thinking, "if I can somehow convince everyone else that I'm holding it together, than maybe I'll believe it too." The problem is, you're not fooling anyone. Not even yourself. It's one thing to put on a happy face for other people…especially when you're trying so hard to prove a point. But lying to yourself? In my book, self-deception has to be the biggest betrayal of all. If you can't even be honest with yourself, than how will you ever learn to live your life honestly, or even accept honesty from those who care enough to give it to you? Look---I really like you two ladies. Perhaps because you remind me so much of some of my own sad, but once loveable friends. But if you honestly don't "want" or "need" any help or feedback (although you keep asking for it…LOL), than it would be pointless for any of us to waste any more time and energy trying force-feed it to you. However, I absolutely wish you the very best and hope that one day you finally rediscover what it truly means to be "happy," content and at total peace with your lives. You only get one…ONE single chance to leave your lasting impression upon the world and all those in it who you touch. So try and make it count for something! I am very honest with myself. I think your above post is more directed at kia-I welcome responses to anything I post. Not agreeing with you doesn't mean I'm stating I don't appreciate feedback. I also don't understand why you feel I cannot possibly be happy in my life? True, there are things that could be changed but EVERYONE has something they want to change about their life.
Author Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 Here we go with that "morality" and "judgment" thing again. It isn't about Spock finding a way to "feel good" about her failing relationships with unavailable married men. It's about Spock finding a way to be happy with "herself" outside the confines of a relationship. Once she discovers the key to that…she won't have to worry about becoming immune to the pain, because "surviving" pain will no longer be her motive or objective. It's self-destructive. Instead, she'll seek fulfillment and contentment from more fulfilling friendships and relationships…and avoid those people and situations who would disrupt her emotional well-being as if her very life depended on it. It's about "emotional maturity" and has nothing at all to do with one's age, personal philosophy or level of intelligence. I'm SO TIRED-and I have all this stuff to read. Thank goodness I'm getting paid to surf the shack right now. What makes you think I'm unhappy being single? Why would I want to avoid disrupting my emotional well being? I'd rather live and laugh and love than shut myself into an emotional box and avoid things. I am most certainly not self destructive. I'm just used to getting what I want-half the heartache from the last outcome was realizing that I wasn't getting what I wanted (and I did love him, and I still do) and there was f*ck all I could do about it. It's not because I was or am spoiled, I'm just a very determined person when I focus on a goal. I can be almost single minded in my pursuit of something. I had a fabulous childhood. No complaints. Great parents.
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by overseas2004 And to all of YOU out there who think therapy is SO GREAT.... All Spock needs is a backbone. The last thing she needs is a expensive therapist who is probably ten times crazier than she is. Regards to all you therapy loving people Overseas2004 you take from therapy what you put into it. it helps clear up the cobwebs for some of us. i agree that a therapist who is crazy is not what anyone needs but a good therapist is a great thing.
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Holy crap. Take a couple of days off loveshack and I've got VOLUMES to read. I'm at work, and hungover, so forgive my typos. Enigma, I understand your POV and your concerns-I'm not a big fan of pathological liars myself, and I don't feel the need to invent tales. This MM and myself are VERY similar in terms of personality, modus operandi (is that right?)sense of humour. I do think you have a valid point about not wanting to take the "bad girls" home to family and have kids with them-contrary to popular belief I am not a "bad girl". I'm myself. I make no excuses for my behaviour. I actually ended up with him last night-his idea. I have vast amounts of compassion. Vast. I'm too tired to spell out a list of my recent good deeds-maybe later. I'm in no danger of turning into an empty shell of a person. Marriage is not an emotion. It is a contract. And by the amount of people that are getting in and out of that contract every year, I'd say it doesn't survive well without love, or lust. I also don't fall over every tom dick and harry who throws a lurid glance my way. I have to connect with that person. if you have these so-called vasts amount of compassion, is it selective? do you choose who to give compassion to and then ignore others not because they don't deserve it but because they stand in the way of you and your attached guy having a good time?
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by sinner Support!? Lord, girl, have you come to the wrong place! no, she hasn't. but support doesn't always mean telling somebody what they wanna hear. sometimes more sincere support is being honest and pointing out inconsistencies and ironies in what they say and what they do.
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Lord, no. We were talking last night-he told me he likes to f*ck. That's it. No emotion at all involved. (although the guy cries at movies) and that from the moment he saw me he wanted to f*ck me-this is before I paid him any mind at all. I hardly knew him, and he wanted me. So I'm not sure if I can even answer that. Not a co worker. Not same social circle. Men are generally attracted to my personality-I imagine the force of it. I'm fun. Not bad, just fun. I don't think I want to get attatched to him. He tries to get into my headspace-figure me out-wants to know who I else I am sleeping with. OH MY GOD! please please please tell me again about your compassion 'cause i'm just not getting it. he likes to f*ck so okay let's f*ck. and i'm compassionate but just not to your woman and your kids. not that i love you or anything or that i want anything more from you then fun and a f*ck but i'm really a nice person and i'm really compassionate just not to your family 'cause ya know they get in the way and all. can't you see this at ALL?
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock I'm SO TIRED-and I have all this stuff to read. Thank goodness I'm getting paid to surf the shack right now. What makes you think I'm unhappy being single? Why would I want to avoid disrupting my emotional well being? I'd rather live and laugh and love than shut myself into an emotional box and avoid things. I am most certainly not self destructive. I'm just used to getting what I want-half the heartache from the last outcome was realizing that I wasn't getting what I wanted (and I did love him, and I still do) and there was f*ck all I could do about it. It's not because I was or am spoiled, I'm just a very determined person when I focus on a goal. I can be almost single minded in my pursuit of something. I had a fabulous childhood. No complaints. Great parents. but you are not living, laughing and loving. you are living, laughing and f*cking. and just 'cause you're used to getting what you want doesn't mean you have the RIGHT to it. and concealing your emotions to avoid disrupting your emotional well being? you are fooling yourself if you truly believe that. feeling your feelings is more healthy for your emotional well being. i think i do understand where you're coming from. forgive me if i'm wrong but it seems so apparent that you want to use them instead of having them use you. but they ARE using you even if you're using them back. you're so afraid of getting hurt again that you try so hard to keep from feeling emotions or attachment. i challenge you to prove to me how that could possibly be healthy. but girl if you just wanna use someone that is your business so why does it have to be with a guy who has a family???? i know you say y'all enjoy each other's company but there are LOTS of guys out there that i bet you could enjoy too that don't have families that you could SCAR for life just because you wanna laugh and f*ck and have some fun. how do you completely ignore them? you say they aren't being hurt right now (and that's subjective because in some way his woman is being hurt even if it's subtle and indirectly) but you've admitted you know they could be hurt in the future. do you honestly see this relationship turning out well and not hurting anyone at all? someone is gonna get hurt. how do you deny this?
Author Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 but you are not living, laughing and loving. you are living, laughing and f*cking. and just 'cause you're used to getting what you want doesn't mean you have the RIGHT to it. and concealing your emotions to avoid disrupting your emotional well being? you are fooling yourself if you truly believe that. feeling your feelings is more healthy for your emotional well being. i think i do understand where you're coming from. forgive me if i'm wrong but it seems so apparent that you want to use them instead of having them use you. but they ARE using you even if you're using them back. you're so afraid of getting hurt again that you try so hard to keep from feeling emotions or attachment. i challenge you to prove to me how that could possibly be healthy. but girl if you just wanna use someone that is your business so why does it have to be with a guy who has a family???? i know you say y'all enjoy each other's company but there are LOTS of guys out there that i bet you could enjoy too that don't have families that you could SCAR for life just because you wanna laugh and f*ck and have some fun. how do you completely ignore them? you say they aren't being hurt right now (and that's subjective because in some way his woman is being hurt even if it's subtle and indirectly) but you've admitted you know they could be hurt in the future. do you honestly see this relationship turning out well and not hurting anyone at all? someone is gonna get hurt. how do you deny this? Afraid of getting hurt? Not likely. Otherwise I would have steered well clear. FYI, I am pursuing a relationship with a single man as well. You are inferring incorrect assumptions to my words-I never said I had a right to anything. Do I honestly see the relationship turning out well? It either progresses, or it doesn't. "Well" is relative. I'd rather hurt than see his family hurt.
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Afraid of getting hurt? Not likely. Otherwise I would have steered well clear. FYI, I am pursuing a relationship with a single man as well. You are inferring incorrect assumptions to my words-I never said I had a right to anything. Do I honestly see the relationship turning out well? It either progresses, or it doesn't. "Well" is relative. I'd rather hurt than see his family hurt. that's bullsh*t. if you'd rather hurt than his family hurt then why don't you stop seeing him?
Author Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by littleflowerpot OH MY GOD! please please please tell me again about your compassion 'cause i'm just not getting it. he likes to f*ck so okay let's f*ck. and i'm compassionate but just not to your woman and your kids. not that i love you or anything or that i want anything more from you then fun and a f*ck but i'm really a nice person and i'm really compassionate just not to your family 'cause ya know they get in the way and all. can't you see this at ALL? Ouch. Personal attacks removed.....wonder what it was. I was merely pointing out that I am not without compassion, littleflowerpot. He told ME he likes to f*ck-I'm not sure what his motivation for me was-like I said, from what he said he's had it in for me since he laid eyes upon me....could he be covering up some insecurities? Trying to separate emotion?
Author Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by littleflowerpot that's bullsh*t. if you'd rather hurt than his family hurt then why don't you stop seeing him? Please explain how that's bull****. IF and when this "relationship" ends (everything ends, eventually) I would prefer being the one that hurts. Meaning I don't want him to leave his SO, I don't want her to find out-I'll suffer in silence if it comes to it. There is NO UNF*CKING. Hey!! That's compassion, albeit a f*cked up form of it.
Author Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 if you have these so-called vasts amount of compassion, is it selective? do you choose who to give compassion to and then ignore others not because they don't deserve it but because they stand in the way of you and your attached guy having a good time? Whose compassion isn't selective littleflowerpot? One will have more or less compassion for someone depending on the problem at hand and surrounding influences.
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Ouch. Personal attacks removed.....wonder what it was. I was merely pointing out that I am not without compassion, littleflowerpot. He told ME he likes to f*ck-I'm not sure what his motivation for me was-like I said, from what he said he's had it in for me since he laid eyes upon me....could he be covering up some insecurities? Trying to separate emotion? what i said that was removed was that when a person behaves that way it is not being compassionate at all. maybe i said it in a way that the moderator thought was a personal slur (and i very much disagree) but it wasn't meant as one. i believe that when a woman carries on with a guy that has a family and she says she's compassionate even though she's only messing with the guy for sex, it's not compassionate whatsoever. you just won't answer the question. is your compassion selective in that you are only compassionate as long as it doesn't stand in the way of having your fun?
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Please explain how that's bull****. IF and when this "relationship" ends (everything ends, eventually) I would prefer being the one that hurts. Meaning I don't want him to leave his SO, I don't want her to find out-I'll suffer in silence if it comes to it. There is NO UNF*CKING. Hey!! That's compassion, albeit a f*cked up form of it. no, you aren't being compassionate. you are refusing to face the fact that you probably will hurt his family. even if she never found out, which is highly unlikely, what he's doing with you is causing maybe subtle, maybe not subtle damage to their relationship. you may not be doing it to her yourself but you are helping him do that and make no mistake about it. you don't want her to find out but can't you acknowledge that it's very likely she will?
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Whose compassion isn't selective littleflowerpot? One will have more or less compassion for someone depending on the problem at hand and surrounding influences. compassion is selective if you look at it like that but shouldn't compassion when it's selective be for those that are deserving of it? for example, one might not feel much compassion for a pedophile that's been caught and imprisoned but to not feel compassion for the family you are aiding in putting at risk for vasts amount of pain and maybe future scarrring is kind of a different thing. i'm asking if your selective compassion is reserved for people that don't get in the way of you having some fun?
Author Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 What do you want me to admit? What am I refusing to face? I'm very well aware that no one may get out alive, so to speak. It still doesn't make me enjoy his company any less-it doesn't make me an emotional monster either. The man has the ability to turn me into a mushy pile of quivering goo with a kiss. .
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock What do you want me to admit? What am I refusing to face? I'm very well aware that no one may get out alive, so to speak. It still doesn't make me enjoy his company any less-it doesn't make me an emotional monster either. The man has the ability to turn me into a mushy pile of quivering goo with a kiss. . you don't have to admit anything. i'm giving my opinion that you are being extremely selfish and hurtful and for such a very, very shallow reason. so what he fills you with lust? you aren't entitled to it. because you wish to pursue your own sexual pleasure, you are putting his family at risk alongside him. i guess what i WISH is that you would wake up and realize how horrible your actions are. i wish you wouldn't do this. if i'm honest, i'll say i wish it because i want to like you and i can't like you when you are so hurtful and it doesn't seem to faze you. it isn't my business but it bothers me and you DID put your business here for us to talk about.
Author Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 Ah. The truth comes out-I'm very well aware that engaging in an illicit sexual relationship with a man with an SO and children is "horrible" but I still don't regret pursuing ANY angle of that relationship. I am sorry that it bothers you so much littleflowerpot.
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Ah. The truth comes out-I'm very well aware that engaging in an illicit sexual relationship with a man with an SO and children is "horrible" but I still don't regret pursuing ANY angle of that relationship. I am sorry that it bothers you so much littleflowerpot. so you are aware of it but you don't care? you don't care that you might hurt them? you don't think that's sociopathic? you know what else bothers me? women that would willingly hurt other people because they are having fun give other women a bad name. people that do that are bad people. i try really hard to teach my kid not to be that kind of person. a world where people don't care about other people is a messed up world. one of these days, spock, if you are fortunate enough to find a man that you truly love that says he loves you in return and then you have children with this guy and he turns around and hurts you and your kids in a way that kills your heart because your kids are hurting, maybe you might see this in a different light.
Author Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 It always comes back on that point. I've been on all ends of the triangle littleflowerpot. And singling out the fact that I'm female brings us back to the point of that you are more OK with a man acting this way than a woman. Which is something you need to work on, as well.
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock It always comes back on that point. I've been on all ends of the triangle littleflowerpot. And singling out the fact that I'm female brings us back to the point of that you are more OK with a man acting this way than a woman. Which is something you need to work on, as well. no, i'm not okay with a guy doing it. but as i said, i'm more used to it and it may seem cynical and THAT is what i'm working on but i expect men to do it because they've done it without impunity for ages. but i'm a mom and i relate more to women than i do to men. your excuse that if it's okay for a man to do it, it should be okay for a woman to do it doesn't work for me because it's not okay for either of them to do it. with a man, i MIGHT give up the argument quicker because i might give him up for a lost cause but that's not a reason to accept it in a man OR a woman. so you are wrong that i'm more okay with it for a man than a woman so that also negates your comment that i need to work on that. trying to insinuate that i have the problem is sly but it won't make you right.
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 you will probably have kids someday whether you are a man or a woman and you might regret your choice to be selfish and you might regret your decision to carry on a relationship where kids could be hurt and for the most stupid and ugly reason imaginable.
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