Mr Spock Posted August 1, 2004 Posted August 1, 2004 Well, I've done it. Made myself an "OW" , for the second time. It's like I used my new situation to stop the hurt of the old one. He's not married, but might as well be for all intents and purposes. I can feel myself starting to slide into the same downward spiral I did last time. No need to tell me how HORRIBLE it is-what I need are suggestions on HOW to protect myself this time, because things will stop only when they've run their course. How do I maintain the upper hand in my own mind? Anyone? I'd really like to NOT become a serial husband f*cker here-I'm still looking for ANYTHING appealing that's single out there.....
fanou22 Posted August 1, 2004 Posted August 1, 2004 I don't understand the not married part. Can you explain? Is he in a relationship with someone? But if you want to stop it, stay away from the man before it develops to something more. We're here for you Spock.
sinner Posted August 1, 2004 Posted August 1, 2004 How do I maintain the upper hand in my own mind? Spock, do you think if any of us knew the Answer to that key question we'd be wasting our hours on LoveShack? Those that know aren't telling and those that don't know won't shut-up! I wish I had a little red pill that would steer you towards single guys exclusively and help you to discipline your anarchic sex drive. Only in the movies, my dear. Only in the movies. Before you detonate any more explosives, ask yourself how many lives will your latest dalliance impact. My guess is that there's the girl friend (de facto wife) and possibly 1 or 2 kids. How much emotional carnage is each explosive orgasm worth? How much? This has all the markings of a rebound relationship, and those are notoriously short-lived. Is the potential catastrophic harm your latest romp could cause this family worth the temporary amnesia over the painful ending of your first affair and ego boost that always kicks in early in a relationship. Sex-induced forgetfulness doesn't work well over the long term, anyway. I see a bad moon rising, Spock. Get off the merry-go-round.
CurlyIam Posted August 1, 2004 Posted August 1, 2004 You're stronger than this, Spock. Use your hurt to actually understand something of your situation. You know, many of us hurt. Some quite badly. But you don't see me using this as an excuse .... Don't take it out on those around you. You may be doing the same mistake for the wrong reasons. I think you know what I mean. Don't let yourself down, 'cause when the love is gone, all you have is yourself. So try to do the things you need to do in order to live happily or at least calmy with yourself.
moimeme Posted August 1, 2004 Posted August 1, 2004 It can be tempting to picture oneself the hapless victim of overwhelming emotions. But it's bogus and worthy only of the plot of a Harlequin romance. You absolutely can stop yourself. Develop a backbone and just do it. Scarlett O'Hara was not a romantic heroine, she was a royal pain in the butt and you don't want to be her. If your 'Ashley' isn't strong enough to tell you to get lost, then do it for yourself. Or do you have a vested interest in self-destructing?
Author Mr Spock Posted August 1, 2004 Author Posted August 1, 2004 Oh, there is no "overwhelming emotion" so I don't understand exactly WTF I am doing here. Obviously, I like the guy or I wouldn't be putting out. Somewhere inside my head is a little equasion that thinks sleeping with people will make them like me MORE. I can definetly control my actions-although I DO tend to become MUCH less inhibited when I'm tying one on, if you understand what I'm saying. I don't have any control over what I find sexually attractive. You can be tall blonde and handsome and just not cut it for me. My problem is not the ticking time bomb I've decided to switch on(thank you sinner) in terms of him-it's ME......me saying I understand that I'm being a homewrecking cow and you telling me to be stronger is a little different then what actually happens in reality. There is no justification here ladies and gentlemen. I can only hope I find something to keep me busy over the upcoming weeks to prevent me from sliding into that unhealthy obsessive mindset I developed after my last "relationship" blah. Not married Fanou, but in a committed relationship WITH children. If anyone says "think of the children" I'll vomit, because I do, they're really neat. So don't bother. Maybe I'll make myself feel better by being attractive and NOT responding to advances. Petty, but it might help.
meanon Posted August 1, 2004 Posted August 1, 2004 You can only keep the upper hand by getting off the merry go round. If you let it run it's course I know of no way you can protect yourself. It may teach you about yourself, though and that may stop it happening again. You seem unclear about why you let it happen. You say you can control your actions, there is no "overwhelming emotion" - so what is it? As you said so well in one of your posts, Spock - we learn most about ourselves through emotional pain. You won't always feel this way. I'm not sure if you are inviting comment to help to explore what it is that has got you in this position again. Post again to clarify if you want to or PM. It could be an anarchic sex drive (you do have a way with words, sinner) or it could be any number of other things. As for the next few weeks, maybe you should think about what you think your motivation was. The reassurance you sought (that he likes you more) has been offset by the knowledge of what the future will do to your self esteem. Cut your losses and end it.
sinner Posted August 1, 2004 Posted August 1, 2004 That's how many of us deal with temptation: Distraction. Unfortunately, it's an imperfect solution. But then, with apologies to Dr. Phil's TV moral perfectionism, aren't all such solutions imperfect. Each and every one. So what's a girl to do? Your body and the reptilian part of your brain, Spock, the part that loves the company of men and abhors loneliness, is telling you to get slightly drunk and f#ck his brains out. I know: I've been there (not with men, though). That's a powerful call. If you tether yourself to your keyboard 24/7 you just might be able to resist these powerful carnal attractions. But that isn't going to happen (thank God). It's not always a question of will. I would hop on Match.com, do speed dating, find someone at work, etc.-- almost anything where you are able to meet a SG. If there's the slightest likelihood that you could find a particular SG attractive, sexy and interesting, play him. Hook up with a SG and drop the new MM like the hot potato he is. If the hook-up with the SG fails, the resulting blast zone won't be nearly as large as the devastation you could wreck to yourself and this family in the reprise of your unloved role as the OW. Plus, you've been there, done that. You're too interesting and creative to be stuck in any role--especially the pin cushion role of the OW. It's time to move on.
CurlyIam Posted August 1, 2004 Posted August 1, 2004 Maybe I have been judgemental and I have adopted once again the "hollier than thou" attitude. At least you know how I feel . Admitting the fact that you're doing a mistake is the first step forward. Don't forget that in order to actually get there you need to take 10. 000 more. I can come up with great exemples, stories and even greater mottos. The truth is it's up to you. Find out what it is that makes you go there and on your own time get out. We'll still be here for you, if you need to vent. Just don't stay there. It may be cosy, easier, funnier. Don't turn this type of relationship into a lifestyle. You'd be letting down a lot of people including yourself. Spock, you desirve to be loved, exclusively! You desirve all 100% from the attention of a man. The whole package. Sure, it's a handfull, but it's the best. Why settle for less? And please don't come up with "It's all I want for now". Except for the sexually attractivity, what is it that makes you do this? Are you trying to punish yourself for something? To get revenge? Why did you accept to get into this? I hope you know that I'm asking this because I am trying to help you (as in not looking down) Curly
Samson Posted August 1, 2004 Posted August 1, 2004 Not married Fanou, but in a committed relationship WITH children. WHAT THE F***? 1. If he's boinking you Spock, I don't know what "committed" means.
moimeme Posted August 1, 2004 Posted August 1, 2004 Somewhere there is a reason you are doing this. It's facile to blame instinct. Some people read sexual attention as approval. Some people are terrified of commitment so go for impossible relationships to avoid it. Somewhere inside my head is a little equasion that thinks sleeping with people will make them like me MORE Maybe it's a lot more than that. Maybe it equates with validating you as female, as sexual, or as acceptable. If you do something that puzzles you, there's a need someplace inside you that's looking to be filled. People try to fill those needs all the wrong ways and end up still needy. The best thing you could do would be to hie yourself to a good therapist and together excavate the reasons behind this behaviour.
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Posted August 2, 2004 I'm not quite sure what's going on at the moment with this-I'll have a better idea of how I feel about this whole thing in the upcoming week.... PS Samson, I suppose that's true-perhaps it's committed as in an institution.......
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Somewhere there is a reason you are doing this. It's facile to blame instinct. Some people read sexual attention as approval. Some people are terrified of commitment so go for impossible relationships to avoid it. Somewhere inside my head is a little equasion that thinks sleeping with people will make them like me MORE Maybe it's a lot more than that. Maybe it equates with validating you as female, as sexual, or as acceptable. If you do something that puzzles you, there's a need someplace inside you that's looking to be filled. People try to fill those needs all the wrong ways and end up still needy. The best thing you could do would be to hie yourself to a good therapist and together excavate the reasons behind this behaviour. It doesn't really puzzle me moimeme-I keep f*cking first and asking questions later-part of me wants the relationship to build from that. Ego perhaps? This little excursion started out with flirting, the pigtail pulling kind-and just progressed-we obviously found each other attractive, and still do. I make no claims of deep emotional connection but we find each other amusing, and we enjoy joking around. Besides, who can afford therapy?
littleflowerpot Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 if there is no emotional attachment that mucks up the situation, then just what in the hell are you doing, honey? and do you think maybe you get involved with attached men because you are avoiding emotional intimacy?
kkat Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 A few people mentioned the possibility that you might have a fear of true intimacy, and that this propels you to get involved with unavailable men. Some thoughts: Although I got involved with my MM believing he was available, I also have the problem where I crave love but yet have an unconcious fear of true intimacy and it has placed out in my life in other places. My closest relationships since my original relationship with this MM ended 8 years ago (Version 1) have been platonic relationships with gay men and girlfriends and with straight men who are not romantic possibilities in the least. Other than that, I have only gotten involved briefly with guys in other states or countries -- geographically unavailable -- or guys not looking for commitment. I have not pursued a relationship with an available man in 8 years. Recently, I have a situation where a new client, a MM, has been making clear advances towards me. This guy is a doof and physically unattractive. But I caught myself getting something from the attention from him. I would never get involved with a MM again - under any circumstance -- but I got a charge from feeling wanted by him. Sick but true. In my reading about Love Addiction, this is a common characteristic of a love addict - a conscious fear of abandonment but sub-conscious fear of intimacy. I am a Love Addict like you wouldn't believe, and this absolutely applies to me. Might it apply to you at all? Just a thought. Good luck.
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Posted August 2, 2004 I did read through the love addict links when Kia first brought them to my attention-and honestly, I don't really fit the profile for it. I'm not attracted to "doofs"-these men are physically attractive men, and this latest one has been brewing since I first met him 4 months ago....I suppose it's just a release of the buildup of sexual tension. I don't get a charge because he's attached (that's actually a HUGE turnoff) I do it because he's attractive and he finds me attractive, similar to you I suppose. But many men that I DO NOT find attractive find me attractive, and hit on me. I've pursued a relationship with a single male (granted, he was QUITE a bit older than me and a die hard bachellor but single nonetheless)and I'll continue to pursue attractive men as I find them. To understand fear of intimacy I'd have to understand what all of your definitions of "intimacy" are. I'm not afraid of dating, of being a couple-I'm not afraid of sharing my life with someone.
kkat Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 It sounds like you've looked into this and that it doesn't fit for you in your analysis. I don't think, by the way, that all OW are Love Addicts, at all. I think that alot of OW who stay stuck and unable to get out of the relationships are Love Addicts, just like lots of wives and girlfriends who are in relationships that have no future, where the bad outweighs the good, etc. So just saying that the same shoe doesn't fit all of us - I know it's part of my big ugly box of issues - but not necessarily yours. I was just wondering - I've been off LS for months until a few days ago so don't know your full story - but what are you looking for? Are you seeking a full-time, committed relationship or no?
Olivia_19742004 Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Sounds like you're a little despondent and you enjoy the emotional drama you will eventually experience with these "taken" men.
littleflowerpot Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock I did read through the love addict links when Kia first brought them to my attention-and honestly, I don't really fit the profile for it. I'm not attracted to "doofs"-these men are physically attractive men, and this latest one has been brewing since I first met him 4 months ago....I suppose it's just a release of the buildup of sexual tension. I don't get a charge because he's attached (that's actually a HUGE turnoff) I do it because he's attractive and he finds me attractive, similar to you I suppose. But many men that I DO NOT find attractive find me attractive, and hit on me. I've pursued a relationship with a single male (granted, he was QUITE a bit older than me and a die hard bachellor but single nonetheless)and I'll continue to pursue attractive men as I find them. To understand fear of intimacy I'd have to understand what all of your definitions of "intimacy" are. I'm not afraid of dating, of being a couple-I'm not afraid of sharing my life with someone. i'm not judging you but only trying to understand you. are you saying you get involved with them only because they are attractive and fun to be with? you have no feelings of love for them? if this is true, do you prefer to spend time with married men as opposed to single men or does it make no difference? for me, i can't understand why you would choose to be sexually active with a married man if you have no emotional feelings for them. they have wives and often children. for me, i don't know how i could be okay with that. again, not trying to judge you. i simply would like to understand it.
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Posted August 2, 2004 See and I don't know about that either Olivia because I'm a maniacally upbeat person. I will admit that my last fling the hard emotions I felt on my end were brewed out of boredom and obession (Obession is FUN. Sigh.) and bascially building a fantasy life with that person. Really. I will also admit to enjoying the attention I was paid-it made me feel special. I am alone without being lonely-I don't feel I'm any more despondent than the next single girl. I often wonder if I DID enjoy torturing myself over ex MM-I can say the ending was hard, but a relief in the end.
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Posted August 2, 2004 That brings up a good point too littleflowerpot-I DO like them, or I wouldn't sleep with them. I'm attracted to their personalities, their sense of humour, their bodies-I'm not so foolish as to think I can sleep with someone for a amount of time and not become attached. I do instigate physical relationships with single men that I am highly attracted to.....
Olivia_19742004 Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Maybe you like the challenge. Maybe the way to know someone truly wants to be with you is for them to walk away from everything. Someone with no ties has nothing to sacrifice for you. Maybe you want someone to want you so badly that they'd give up everything just to be with you. Eh..I'm just guessing
littleflowerpot Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock That brings up a good point too littleflowerpot-I DO like them, or I wouldn't sleep with them. I'm attracted to their personalities, their sense of humour, their bodies-I'm not so foolish as to think I can sleep with someone for a amount of time and not become attached. I do instigate physical relationships with single men that I am highly attracted to..... okay, if i may ask: are you in love with the mm you are now seeing?
littleflowerpot Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by Olivia_19742004 Maybe you like the challenge. Maybe the way to know someone truly wants to be with you is for them to walk away from everything. Someone with no ties has nothing to sacrifice for you. Maybe you want someone to want you so badly that they'd give up everything just to be with you. Eh..I'm just guessing it's a good guess. even if it isn't true of spock, i'm certain it's true of other OW.
Author Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Author Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by Olivia_19742004 Maybe you like the challenge. Maybe the way to know someone truly wants to be with you is for them to walk away from everything. Someone with no ties has nothing to sacrifice for you. Maybe you want someone to want you so badly that they'd give up everything just to be with you. Eh..I'm just guessing That hits the nail a little closer on the head, I'm guessing too Olivia......
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