xxoo Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I disagree. He has offered for her to order her own dessert, and there is no money issue. Problem solved. She refuses. She's just trying to power trip on him. Offering a solution (or insisting on a solution) is not the same thing of problem solving! The solution needs to work for both of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 the OP never said this. I didn't say he did, I've been saying that I need more info to decide how I feel. I'm just presenting examples to explain how I would feel. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Offering a solution (or insisting on a solution) is not the same thing of problem solving! The solution needs to work for both of them. I agree. He needs to find out why this is important to her. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 How's the non-spanking thing going? William, please don't kick my ass for going OT. Read my mind Long threads with rapid posting volume always get a look. Carry on. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Read my mind Long threads with rapid posting volume always get a look. Carry on. You're tops in my book, W. I don't care what TBF says about you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 But why does the solution HAVE to be that he only gets a half a dessert? Of course, it doesn't! They. need. to. talk. And, he needs to stop assuming her intentions. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Helpful suggestion: Starbucks sells "bite sized" desserts. Ask her how many "bites" she wants of yours, and order accordingly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I just cannot for the life of me understand why ordering two desserts isn't a workable situation. Just can't come up with any plausible reason. Not one. The only one I can think of is she has no willpower and expects him to make up for it. Or she could just enjoy the closeness of sharing from the same plate. He needs to find out what sharing means to her. And she needs to find out what it means to him. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Exactly! I am happy to share my dessert as long as I get all that I want. And I want a lot, so we should share 2. It is important to me that I get everything that I want. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Then order two desserts on one plate. I wonder if they can fit both their meals on one plate... lol I feel silly but those little things make me feel all :love: inside. I love it when we dine out and he grabs a pasta spoon and scoops some of whatever is on his plate to put on mine. :love: Maybe that feeling is what she wants. He's got to find out. This could be a lot bigger then food and still unrelated to the prenup. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I just cannot for the life of me understand why ordering two desserts isn't a workable situation. Just can't come up with any plausible reason. Not one. The only one I can think of is she has no willpower and expects him to make up for it. What I'm thinking is that maybe she has no idea how much of his dessert she is eating. Or that they have very different perceptions. I feel strongly that it is a "waste" to order two desserts if I don't want a whole one--only a "taste" (obviously, what is considered a "taste" is debatable). I'd rather go without than order a second, because I have issues with waste. So if, for example, my partner pointed out that I am eating a significant amt of his dessert, leaving him unsatisfied, when I believed I was only eating a little bit....that could be remedied. I'd be more cognizant about taking bites, and maybe he could offer me a "taste".\ But if we never had the conversation, I might think I'm taking a "taste", and he's fuming silently over "half his pie", when the truth is likely in the middle. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 We are lucky enough to be able to dine out often, at some fairly nice establishments; money is not an object with our lives, either. But I would never order something just because I want a bite or two of it. That seems silly and wasteful to me, and it would drive me bonkers if my H did that, too. And no - not telling your spouse that you think he/she is getting fat is NOT passive-aggressive. It is called pretty freaking smart when the pudge is in the beginning stages and is easily remedied without someone getting hurt feelings or becoming paranoid about their tummy bulge. Try telling a spouse "Hey, darling, I think you are putting on some weight. You might want to watch that hand-to-mouth action, and maybe try some sugar-free Jell-o instead", and see how that goes over. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Another way to address this is to demand she share her meal with you and if she refuses, tell her she doesn't know how to share and that she doesn't love you enough. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 I'm late to the thread but from what I can see, her words suggest that she assumes you will share with her without having to ask your permission. Perhaps that is what annoyed you. That is, if she'd asked if you minded or even said, "shall we share a dessert?", perhaps you would have been more open to sharing. Bringing you into her decision-making process and allowing you to give your input would have been the fair thing to do, in my opinion. In my experience, sometimes in long-term relationships it's easy to become accustomed to a certain way of doing things and to take your partner and his/her wishes for granted. That is, you make assumptions and do things without asking. And in this instance, while it might seem petty on your part not to share, it might also be considered rude on her part not to ask if it was okay first. I don't mind sharing dessert with my SO* if we agree beforehand, but for him to assume that he can share my dessert without allowing me any input would be to dismiss my needs in favour his own. I'm sure he feels the same way, though admittedly, he's much more laid back about these things. * We often discuss sharing before we order a meal because we don't always want to eat a full dish by ourselves or we want to try a few different things at the same time. This might be too much talking for some couples, but to each his/her own. We've found that it helps to mitigate many misunderstandings. Link to post Share on other sites
Daniel V. Ross Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Maybe your wife just wants to be extra sweet with you to pull your attention. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 (edited) This may seem like a pretty minor issue, but it is quite a concern for my wife and thus perhaps symbolic of something larger. At times when we go to dinner, my wife will ask what I am having (such as dessert or appetizer) and say "that sounds good - I'll have some of yours." I offer for her to order her own and she tells me "no I am not hungry enough - I'll just have a few bites of yours." So this happened yesterday and she was quite upset that I "don't know how to share" my food and said that a marriage is supposed to be about sharing everything in our life. Sure we ought to share if there is only one left of whatever is involved.. she could have the whole thing as far as I'm concerned if that were the case. But why "share" if we're at a restaurant and can easily get what sh wants and take the extra home. (No this is not a financial issue at all.) From my perspective, this is really a power issue about her getting me to do something. From her perspective, a spouse should share everything. I tend to think this isn't actually about sharing dessert but rather symbolic of other things which she is then carrying over even to mundane parts of life. Thoughts? I had a BF in college who could eat like a horse. He used to wolf down his food and then turn his eyes to my food, while I was still eating it; if I took a prolonged pause between mouthfuls, perhaps chatting or just taking my time, he would instantly ask me, "are you going to finish that?" I got fed up with the vulture routine and started saying things along the lines of, "you know, I haven't made up my mind about that yet; I'll let you know." And then he actually told me that he was worried because he didn't want it to get cold before he got it! That's a boundary issue. From his point of view, of course, the issue was one of waste. He thought it made perfect sense to ensure the food didn't go to waste by insisting on a transfer while it was still something he'd want to eat. Well, not wanting to be wasteful, on the face of it, is a virtue anyone can respect. But from my point of view, the more important issue was one of boundaries and respect, which included allowing me to enjoy my meal, and as much as I wanted of my meal, in peace and at my own pace. I guess my point here is that she's obviously viewing the food thing through a lens of generosity/stinginess; you're viewing it through the lens of control/power. (This also applies to the prenup, by the way.) She's desperately afraid you're stingy and you're desperately afraid she's controlling, and now you're squared off in a Fork War over the Dessert Plate of Life. It's possible that you're both wrong and you're both right, you know, at least in part. But as long as you're both firmly convinced that the other person is 100% wrong, you're not getting anywhere. That said, I tried to compromise with the exBF by telling him that I would try to decide sooner if I wanted to finish my meal, so that it wouldn't get very cold. But in the end, it wasn't soon enough for him, and I still felt resentful at feeling rushed, and the bottom line is that we had other problems that we didn't really want to work out, and Scene. So this time my point is that if you don't really want to work this one out, that tells you something too. Edited October 24, 2012 by serial muse 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 I can't stand to share my food, especially dessert! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Regardless, I would imagine most men wouldn't really want to give up any of their food while dining out. Heck I don't either. That's what doggy bags are for. Yeah, why not order 2 desserts and take what's left over home. That seems like the best solution. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Yeah, why not order 2 desserts and take what's left over home. That seems like the best solution. I totally agree with this, except that it's the solution to a completely different problem than the one OP and his wife have. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Yeah, why not order 2 desserts and take what's left over home. That seems like the best solution. Only if someone plans to eat it at home. She's already said she doesn't want a whole dessert, so it would only make sense to order 2 if he is planning to eat it at home. Otherwise, it is just a waste. I've been thinking about the possibility that she doesn't want the temptation, which has been derided here as lack of "willpower". The truth is, many people don't have the the willpower to resist high calorie foods, and this isn't limited to women. If my partner is struggling to stick to a certain diet, I support him by not bringing highly tempting foods into our home. It is the kind and supporting thing to do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 I totally agree with this, except that it's the solution to a completely different problem than the one OP and his wife have. I'm sorry I didn't read that. What is his wife's problem? Is it an eating disorder or something? If we bought a half of a dessert home my husband or I would probably eat it before the night was over. Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Am I the only one where sharing appetizers and desserts is normal?? Even among friends as well as romantic partners? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Am I the only one where sharing appetizers and desserts is normal?? Even among friends as well as romantic partners? No. But here we have someone who expects the other to share and not one who asks the other to share. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Am I the only one where sharing appetizers and desserts is normal?? Sharing life.. Check Sharing good times and bad....Check Sharing bodily fluids... Check Sharing deserts... Check 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Of course not! But let's say you're out with a friend, and your friend says, "Oh, I'm not hungry. I'll just get a small salad and a coke, but you go ahead and order," and then when your food arrives they want to eat half of yours? It is NOT for another person to declare what YOU get to do with the food YOU had the foresight to order when they themselves refused to order something for themselves. Sure, but then I only read half the thread. I used to eat out with a friend who always wanted to split nachos, and he would totally eat all the good parts of the nachos (the parts with beans and guac and pico de gallo), so I just started telling him, hey I want my own nachos... And he was fine with it and totally capable of splitting other foods with me. I just had to tell him that. Or is this a case of where we are talking about dessert but not really talking about dessert? Link to post Share on other sites
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