My husband lied and broke us....

[jnel921]

Sunny, I am not giving him a pass. I am giving him a chance to show me that he wants this marriage. If he would have been different and wanted to leave or if I felt he had one ounce of feelings left for that woman I would be out the door.

 

I think that is the difference here. I have been on here for years and have read stories of people falling for the Other person. Meanwhile there is no real foundation in that relationship or those feelings. A physical connection does not a real relationship make. My H and I were true life partners, sharing dreams, setting goals and unfortunately when it came to love and intimacy we have had some struggles.

 

I am not the perfect wife. I am willing to own where I may have failed in this marriage. Some people here truly believe that there may be no coming back from this. I have to ride this out and determine how strong I am or am not. I never said that I forgave him and all is well.

 

There is not a day that has gone by that we have not discussed this. Tonight is finally our MC session and I am hoping that this will be the beginning of our healing process.

 

Something good has to come from this bad situation. Either our marriage will be better and stronger or I will be happy with myself not worrying about being hurt again. I am prepared to do whichever one. No excuses here.

[Artie Lang]

the problem i have with your situation - other than your husband being a low-down cheating POS, who's capable of betraying his wife and his friend - is that it seems his only regret is getting "outed". who knows how long this could've gone on.

 

he then gives you a BS story as to why he has a "burner" phone. his excuse was that he "didn't want to hurt you." c'mon. he was hurting you everytime he slept with this woman.

 

sounds like you're rugsweeping, and his "get out of jail card" is to set up counseling to find out the "why's." i'll tell you why... because it was strange tail-- "that's why!"

[stillafool]

A physical connection does not a real relationship make. My H and I were true life partners, sharing dreams, setting goals and unfortunately when it came to love and intimacy we have had some struggles.

 

 

I disagree with you on this. A physical connection is very important in marriage (unless of course one spouse has a disability and even then there are things you can do.) It's what separates couples from just being friends. If he doesn't desire you sexually and vice versa I don't see how your marriage can last, especially since he is a cheater.

[jnel921]

Artie, yes it's strange tail and I am sure he was on an extreme high while getting it. But once it's said and done he has to ask himself if she is the person he wants to be with and he says no.

 

How many people here can say their WS want to stay and work on the marriage.

 

Also stillafool I am saying that you can't base a relationship just on sex. I agree it's important and already have said we have issues in that respect.

 

I don't know what I will hear tonight at MC as I am on my way as I write this. I just expect it to be the truth. I don't think anything else can shock me.

 

Will keep you posted.

[Spark1111]

Artie, yes it's strange tail and I am sure he was on an extreme high while getting it. But once it's said and done he has to ask himself if she is the person he wants to be with and he says no.

 

How many people here can say their WS want to stay and work on the marriage.

 

Also stillafool I am saying that you can't base a relationship just on sex. I agree it's important and already have said we have issues in that respect.

 

I don't know what I will hear tonight at MC as I am on my way as I write this. I just expect it to be the truth. I don't think anything else can shock me.

 

Will keep you posted.

 

Me, my FWS begged, pleaded and sobbed to reconcile.....for a very long time after being given carte blanche to be with his OW.

 

No one was more confused than I. It is how I wound up here at LS.

 

Good luck tonight. I hope the MC is a good one.

[jnel921]

So last night was our first session. Our counselor seemed to be a nice guy with over 30 years of experience. He has a Ph.D and also works a second job at a mental hospital and specifically works with schizophrenics.

 

It was our first session so he basically took our background, life history and asked us how we met. He then asked us why we were there.

 

 

My H basically said that he slept with another woman twice and that she didn't mean anything to him and that I did. He said this happened during the time his coworker was away on active duty. He said the timeframe was about a week from each encounter. He said he knows I dont beleive that but its was the truth. He claimed after the second time he was afraid that it would come out and he felt he needed to keep the OW at bay as she threatened to tell. This is why he says he got the second phone. Once she outed everything he says he was sorry that he did that to his friend and apologized to him on his knees. Told him he could kick his ass if that made him feel better taht he wouldnt fight back. He told him he didnt care about her. He only cared about me and the kids and he was not happy that his life was about to crumble over this person.

 

He told the MC that he knew if we didnt see him I would be gone. He said he was hoping that this would help me deal with the pain of it and help Him figure out why he did it.

 

I basically summed up the past 5 years and told I'm about the Facebook issue and the extra attention to one of his cousins then this.

 

I mentioned the conversation that I had with the OW. Telling him I had my suspicions since August and she confirmed them last week with her call to me at work. I told him her initial call was apologetic and said her main concern was fixing her relationship with my H coworker. Later that evening she called me and her story changed. She said she hated my H. Then she went on to spill details and tell me how much they enjoyed screwing each other. She claimed they had plans to get together while I am away this weekend at an SGK breast cancer walk where I will be away for 5 days. She has also forwarded text and the pic of his penis where she writes below it,you can have this back now. The woman I feel is emotionally disturbed. I told him about the extra phone and how I wished he had been the one to come clean.

 

However, I told the MC that I was hurt and our marriage was broken and the only reason I was there was because this time around my H chose me. I need to see big changes in order to be convinced that this is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. At this point I feel he has no boundaries, no respect and I can't trust him. I feel like I am floating and there is no solid foundation.

 

The MC was surprised at the OW behavior and told me he thought it was best never to speak to her again. He said its obvious she wants to hurt you. He thought she was wrong for saying those things to me.

 

He told my H he was not going to take sides, rather he wanted to help him understand how his actions hurt other people. He Said that there are people who are in denial and beleive what they do won't hurt anyone. So he said he wanted to continue to work with us and eventually he may need to sit with my H and go deeper into his history to look at the patterns. Our problems obviously cannot be fixed in one day but its a start. It was tough to tell it again without reliving the emotions.

 

We have sceduled meetings now once a week. Lets see how this goes.

Edited October 24, 2012 by jnel921

[BetrayedH]

How many people here can say their WS want to stay and work on the marriage.

 

Um, most of us, I think. You're in a very common situation where the WS wants to stay after Dday and the BS wants to stay, too. The problem is that most of them are doing it out of guilt, obligation, and damage control.

 

But most of them, like my wife thru 7 months of "reconciling," continue to lie, deny, minimize, and otherwise trickle the truth to us and only as we discover it. The trick is to determine if you are married to someone that is still lying to you or if they are truly remorseful and will never lie again.

[stillafool]

The WS always wants to stay married. The problem is most are cake eaters and as soon as things calm back down and they regain the BSs trust they cheat again. It's very common around here.

[jnel921]

I honestly think if my H seriously felt anything for the OW or thought he had somewhere to go he would have. he told the MC he couldnt care less for her. If she got hit by a car then oh well.

 

He knows where I stand on cheating. So it can go either way depending on how much of the work he is willing to do to get this marriage back on track.

 

I have read alot of the posts here where the WS tells their BS how they dont love them anymore and how they want to be with the OP and that is tough.

 

I can get through my anger. I need now to understand. That is the goal and when he can show me that I can trust in him again and only then can we move forward.

[2sure]

Most WS want very much to stay married - thats why they were cheating instead of divorcing or asking for an open marriage.

 

Thats ...the point. Cheating. Wanting Both til they get caught.

 

I mean, clearly some leave for their affair partners - but not many.

[2sure]

Ah. I see this isnt your first time around with this garbage. You are taking some relief in that this H wants to stay after cheating, as opposed to your first.

 

I get that - but you want to be real careful with yourself here. Your X did this to you because he wanted to leave. This one did it even though he doesnt want to leave.

[jnel921]

2sure, no matter what the reason it still sucks to be cheated on. His response isn't the most popular one but I am going to work with it and see if there is any truth to those feelings.

[Artie Lang]

there is NO WAY in hell it was only twice.

 

i'm willing to bet money on it!

[BetrayedH]

there is NO WAY in hell it was only twice.

 

i'm willing to bet money on it!

 

And THAT is the clincher. Time and time again we see BSs desperate to believe that "only once or twice" crap and the WS is happy to lie straight to our faces to "protect us" from the truth. Give it a few months and I bet we'll see the truth start to come out either thru the OW or the OPs hypervigilance. In my view, it's time for a timeline and a polygraph and my money is on another pseudo-confession on the way there.

[Benedictatu]

The WS always wants to stay married.

 

I wish my husband had. He told me he was leaving me and he loved someone else and then he left. I begged but he still left anyway. I wish he had stayed.

[stillafool]

Very few do what your H did. I'm sorry for what you went through but at least he did not waste anymore of your time by coming back and cheating again as most do. Most want to stay and get some strange on the side.

or decide they made a huge mistake and do better.

 

 

OP has apparently made up her mind that her H only did it twice with OW and will not do it again. She will stay/take him back.

[jnel921]

I appreciate all of the comments. it doesn't matter to me whether he did it once, twice or 100 times. The fact that he even did it one time broke us. The moment the very thought of touching someone else his heart wasn't speaking to him. Warning him that this action could cost him his marriage or his family. He admits to taking me for granted when it comes to so many things.

 

I have not made it easy, but I listen and observe. That is all I can do now. He has to show me why he wants to stay. I need to feel it. If he was acting out of guilt I would know it. I think our intuition speaks loudly to us.

 

Last weekend before Hurricane Sandy I was away doing a 3day cancer walk in Tampa. The storm left me stranded in Fl for a week. Of course I was concerned that he would do something during this time I was away. But he kept in constant contact. He face timed me everyday and was very clear about how he wanted me there with him as he was off from work and at home with the kids. He didn't do anything or go anywhere out of the ordinary.

 

Do I like living this way? No, who the heck does. I am giving him the opportunity to redeem himself, to try and rebuild what he broke.

 

I know there are people here who wished their spouse would have chose them. Not all of them do. This was my experience in my first marriage and that hurt like heck. Today that was the best decision he made for the both of us. I am extremely hurt by my husbands actions. Only time will decide if we can get through this. I want to share our progress because I never said that I would ultimately stay. For now I am here working on it with him. If things go south I would have no problem leaving.

 

I would be happier if I knew that I can sleep peacefully at night, then wonder where my husband really is. I am trusting in god that I can get to that point again. There is not a day that has gone by since the discovery that my H hasn't told me how sorry he is or how he wants to be a better H.

 

I have noted some changes, especially in our conversations. He has made conscious efforts to spend time with me. He tells me he loves me. I haven't returned the sentiment. I am not there yet. I am hurting like all of you. When you marry, you don't expect this. At least I didn't, especially since he knew that would be the deal breaker. But again, the difference here is that Ex-H was happy to leave and venture with his lover and my H didn't and pretty much compared her to a mental patient which I confirmed after our disturbing conversations.

 

Right now we have been to our sessions 3 times. No major reveals. We are just talking about our current feelings and trying to find ways to deal.