21flames Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I know it's a hard one but does the one who left experience the same thoughts and feelings as the one they dumped? I ask this as I think all the hurt is going but i keep thinking about her and us all the time and yesterday started dreams but these dreams are of her acting sneaky like she always did so I think that my subconscious will help me get over her. It was 8 weeks ago I knew she had stayed out and been up to something, we had a big row the following week, she blamed me for everything, took no responsabilty and told me to move out, so I did a week later, as soon as I'm out she is staying away all the time, I knew this when I went to collect things and we rowed, and I know she is moving. Yet she has denied it all , 2nd week she said she loved me, 4th I give her loads of abuse and she still says well I will never forget you and she still has are photos on her fb according to a friend, which is nuts! She has made an exit life, I shouldn't be surprised she did it to be with me. Do they just block everything out being with someone new or do you think they get through it easier as they had it all set in place before the split? Full story here if you have time to read http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/351134-unbelievable-exit-story
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 No they don't! The sooner you let that sink in the quicker moving on becomes. I've said this several times here "she knows you love her, she knows you want her back, but she simply doesn't care". Me too, I'm in the same position as you. For me when I break up with someone it's because I want to! The moment it's over I feel like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I made that decision, they weren't what I wanted anymore and I only looked into the future, I was free. I left this one girl after a 1 year relationship. I never looked back, I never answered her calls, I simply moved on never looked back. You MUST assume your ex has those exact feelings. I went/tried going back to 2 ex's but only months down the road after I'd been with other people. Yes she will have to be with other people in order to want you back. Get that in your head now. After being with other people I realized what I had in my ex's. Either I wanted them back or found greener pastures and never went back. Key points she might come back or she might not. Either way YOU CAN'T MAKE HER MIND UP FOR HER, YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER MIND. 2
Author 21flames Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 I'm not wondering if she will come back, I couldn't take her back. I just wondered if they think the same, cause that's how it appears when they send mixed messages.
Author 21flames Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Also you where with your ex for a year not nearly 5
Lisa_Lisa Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Personally speaking, as I am a girl and all, once you've come to the point where you don't want to deal with the person anymore, you're done and you leave. We think about our ex's, but not the same way anymore. More like, 'I wonder what he's doing, he's probably thinking about me, crying over me,' or some such thing. It's all ego. But once someone decides to leave there's really no going back. 1
dreamstate83 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Well, my experiences have been a little different. In the few relationships where I was the one let loose, the women were very emotional and didn't seem too happy for the weak or so I hung around before going NC. They seem to have gone through the same phases but much quicker until one day they decide to miss me and try to get back into my life. I think it really just depends on the people and the situation. 1
Author 21flames Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Pehaps that is how she does feel, but 3 weeks ago she is saying @ could we sort it out' even though she has had this new life set up and is going ahead with it. I said no way I could never ever trust her again and then she keeps fb photos of us only, obviously to keep up appearances. It just messes with my head even more. I appreciate how you would feel but you are probably nothing like her, only god knows what goes on in her head, she was still in touch with her ex husband who she left me for last year, it's like she enjoys all the hurt she cause but will not let go of her ex's. Thanks for replying it's good to try and make some sense of it all
Author 21flames Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Thanks dreamstate83. That's what i am thinking what will happen. I have gone no contact but broke when learning she was actually moving out through anger, I have been nc a week know and am feeling better and will go through with it. My ex did the same, didn't work out with the next man 3 months later, crying on the phone etc and I had moved on though, told her no and thought nothing of it. Then over a year later she kept calling, I eventually answered and had all the crying, crawling ' i love you want you back etc' I just laughed to start and told her it was never going to happen and to stop contacting me, which worked. I just feel this is what she will do.
Svet74 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 No they don't! The sooner you let that sink in the quicker moving on becomes. I've said this several times here "she knows you love her, she knows you want her back, but she simply doesn't care". Me too, I'm in the same position as you. For me when I break up with someone it's because I want to! The moment it's over I feel like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I made that decision, they weren't what I wanted anymore and I only looked into the future, I was free. I left this one girl after a 1 year relationship. I never looked back, I never answered her calls, I simply moved on never looked back. You MUST assume your ex has those exact feelings. I went/tried going back to 2 ex's but only months down the road after I'd been with other people. Yes she will have to be with other people in order to want you back. Get that in your head now. After being with other people I realized what I had in my ex's. Either I wanted them back or found greener pastures and never went back. Key points she might come back or she might not. Either way YOU CAN'T MAKE HER MIND UP FOR HER, YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER MIND. and let me guess, when you decided you wanted them back they didnt want you back this time around? also how long were u dating other people before you decided u made a mistake?
robaday Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Its hard to say. As a man, normally when Ive broken up with someone (as the dumper) ive felt a huge sigh of relief for two months.......then the reality kicks in that theyre gone, and I begin to hurt. I think men are different to women, because we can still be attracted to someone, even though we know it wont work out (weak). Hence going back several times, which is lunacy. From my experience women are different. Most Ive been with have broken up but not quite broken up i.e. they still have feelings, still contact you, and maybe go back for one last try. Problem is, theyre never fully back, and once that last try fails, its permament and they want absolutely nothing to do with you. Thats why I think its so important for men, after a woman breaks up with them, to make sure they are 100% ok again to get back together. Because if theyre not, the women will kick them to the curb all over again for being weak. I think with women, once they tell themselves that they will never sleep with you again, they wont - thats the difference Ive seen. Whereas us men, at least me, my feelings change a lot, someone who seemed bloody awful after two months of being broken up.....can then seem alright again. From my admittedly checquered and bizarre experience......if two people have broken up, they really need togive each other a long long time, before another chance is possible, to work. Every break up Ive had, the other person or myself has come back within two months. And thats way too soon for any problems to have been fixed, or for you to have any chance of working again.
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Here is another way of looking at it. When they leave it creates a HUGE void (the pain) we pine for them we try to refill that void, we miss the encounters and them generally being in our life. For them exact opposite. Almost like the void we have was a weight they carried on their shoulders. When they leave and stay gone, they feel a huge sense of relief, a huge weight lifted. Almost like they were carrying us. I'll love again, but I'll make sure to never lose myself again. I will never lose "independent me" and be dependent on someone else! 2
winstonsdreams Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 robaday i am right there with you, as the dumper, i broke up with my ex, felt relieved for a couple months, but then realised what i had and came crawling back 2 months later to find she had moved on. Being a dumper does suck sometimes, i never fell out of love for my ex, it was just the circumstances at the time. I still love her, but she is the one that is happy now and i am picking up the pieces. such is life.
Author 21flames Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Robaday and Winston, you say you went back after so much time, had you left them for someone else you where already seeing before you split up? Or you split amicably?
robaday Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Ill admit when I was with the second long term girl, I was leaving my state for 4 months, wed been together for 9 months. I didnt think what we had was strong enough, and I was concerned Id cheat on her. My job situation wasnt secure and there was a strong chance Id have to move to another state, on the other side of the country (8 hour flight). So I broke it off, sorted myself out during the breakup, and got myself in a better place. The second time we got back together, Id reached out to her because I still felt something for her and really wanted to see her it was bliss, we were amazing together and had so many good times. But then I had to visit family after another year together, and while I was away she inexplicably broke it off, and didnt give me a chance to talk it through in person. She came back to me after two months, but this time it was awful, we argued, and it was clear she wasnt the same girl who was completely besotted with me at one time. I struggled to commit the third time to her (2 break ups didnt exactly seem promising) and we really hurt each other badly. We split amicably everytime really. Apart from this recent time, where shes really cut me out of her life. She wants absolutely nothing to do with me at all. It sucks, but it wasnt a great relationship. Lesson to me at least, is that once a woman leaves you, you have to be 100% on your game, 100% strong to make it work if she comes back. Because shell test you and dispose of you so fast you wont know what has happened. Its easier, and more fulfilling to start afresh then force a broken relationship, I really loved her, and I think at one time she loved me, but really we were holding onto something that had long gone, and I regret not leaving things a year back when we still respected each other. 1
Author 21flames Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Its easier, and more fulfilling to start afresh then force a broken relationship, I really loved her, and I think at one time she loved me, but really we were holding onto something that had long gone, and I regret not leaving things a year back when we still respected each other. That's some wise words bro, will take them on board, i stuck with her twice then the third time she did what she did, read my other post if you have time, it's a long one. 1
Svet74 Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 robaday i am right there with you, as the dumper, i broke up with my ex, felt relieved for a couple months, but then realised what i had and came crawling back 2 months later to find she had moved on. Being a dumper does suck sometimes, i never fell out of love for my ex, it was just the circumstances at the time. I still love her, but she is the one that is happy now and i am picking up the pieces. such is life. This is why ive never actually dumped a man i love, because im afraid that if i change my mind it will be too late, and if i realize i want them back they wont come back. I think that pain is far worse then someone dumping you. cuz then your in control
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 and let me guess, when you decided you wanted them back they didnt want you back this time around? also how long were u dating other people before you decided u made a mistake? I wrote on another thread I think, but yes they pretty much didn't want anything to do with me. Both relationships (that I went crawling back) were just under 1 year.
sendme Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 I don't think they do.... But I'm not going to lie it was insanely empowering when my ex texted me late at night (probably drunk) all he texted was "y?" could have been intended for someone else... Could have been a breadcrumb, but I'm going to pretend like it that drunk. Moment late at night he was pinning away for me... I don't want to go back, but knowing he might be hurting too definitely made me feel slightly better! 3
Author 21flames Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Why would he send you "y"? He left you didn't he, shouldn't it be you asking Y?
lvixen Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Also you where with your ex for a year not nearly 5 What difference does it really make? An emotional investment is an emotional investment regardless of how long you were invested for. As for your question, the vast majority of the time the dumper is looking to move on, maybe they don't have the same feelings they once did, they fell out of love, etc,. Sometimes the dumper experiences a lot of pain, but it's usually the dumpee that goes through most of it. As for your ex? You need to stop thinking about it and just go NC. You're only prolonging your pain.
Author 21flames Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Ivixen So 1 year is now different to 5, 10, 15, 20......Of course it is, cause you have invested a lot more time, love energy effort and probably know the person on a lot deeper level. The first 2 weeks she was saying she loved me and denying everything, I started no contact then after a week it was made clear to me she was moving out which confirmed everything i knew she had done and it really pi**** me off and I cracked and made contact. That carried on a few days, the last day I gave her loads of abuse yet she was still saying I will never forget us, just mind games and mixed messages. I have been nc for a week now and I feel strong enough to carry on, having contact has got me no answers, more lies and denial, mixed signals made me feel worse. She has never said she hates me never wants to see me again, the opposite so it was hard at first to stop contact I'm feeling better everyday, looking out for myself and my future, I've played enough silly games.
sendme Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Why would he send you "y"? He left you didn't he, shouldn't it be you asking Y? I have no idea why he wrote it, but I've felt better ever since... he caved first, he contacted me first, which means at some point the heart aching empty feeling that I feel in the evenings was so powerful in him that he gave into the urge and reached out... or not... it could mean something else entirely, but I'm pretending it means he couldn't resist the desire to contact me any longer...
Author 21flames Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 That's how it looks Sendme. You aren't going to reply, did he leave you for someone else or did you just split?
Svet74 Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I wrote on another thread I think, but yes they pretty much didn't want anything to do with me. Both relationships (that I went crawling back) were just under 1 year. that sucks. but didnt u go back to one after 2 months? what happened there?
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 that sucks. but didnt u go back to one after 2 months? what happened there? I went back to both. One we hung out a couple of times but she was over me, stopped responding to me and is married with child today. The other one simply wouldn't give me the time of day. She had made up her mind. These women, thinking back, were marriage material. I just realized too late.
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