ThaWholigan Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Observe the following: I'm not interested in taken guys or guys who seem to get a lot of action. I'm actually more interested in guys who haven't been intimate with anyone for awhile, or ever. I like being the one to break a dry spell or 'take' someone's virginity (I've been the first for two guys I dated); everything tends to be more intense that way. The last guy I had a fling with, I was really turned on when I found out he hadn't had sex in 6 months. Then LS should be a gold mine for you... :lmao: With their attitudes? I think emphatically not. The guys I was with who fit the inexperienced bill didn't constantly whine about it and/or blame women for it. And you know this because you were with them 24/7 and heard what they said to their friends and posted on the internet? All before you started dating them? Now what poster 3 is saying here is quite a common line of thought - "I'm not bitter around people, only online or by myself". This is not true in my opinion. I believe your attitude will manifest somehow in your demeanor and the way you are around people - which would put off even someone like poster 1 who doesn't mind inexperience in a man. If I were bitter, I would never have gotten the opportunities I have gotten this year and would probably still be a virgin now, just pissed off on the internet. It's one thing to accept the negatives in life but you still have to deal with them, and one of the ways to deal with that is to not be bitter. That doesn't mean you have to be happy-go-lucky and smiley and sh*t - just not bitter. I can probably guess the men in Poster 1's examples weren't exactly bitter about their inexperience nor were they fixated upon it. So tell me - why do you think you can hide your attitude? Your annoyance at your lack of success, and your anger at rejection? And why do you continue to cling to it when you can try and not be so, and maybe when you sort it out you will actually get somewhere? 1
Woggle Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I did all the time when I was dating between marriages. Many people I know would be shocked to see the side I show on LS. 1
Author ThaWholigan Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 I did all the time when I was dating between marriages. Many people I know would be shocked to see the side I show on LS. How do you think you were able to hide it and still get dates? Because if you know something, you're gonna get a few PMs tonight
Author ThaWholigan Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 I don't think a person can change their roots. A bitter person is a bitter person, the level of which might be different online as inhibitions cease, but in person that person will still be bitter. And easily seen to the experienced person as such. IMHO I disagree. A person can stop being bitter if they get to the source early enough and manipulate it. I agree that it can be easily seen by someone who notices these things - girls are socialized to look at certain details I've noticed - but if they stay bitter they will find it difficult to shift unattractive behaviors, so they HAVE to shift it. It's actually imperative that they do.
Woggle Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 How do you think you were able to hide it and still get dates? Because if you know something, you're gonna get a few PMs tonight Because I don't wear it on my sleeve offline plus I never wanted to be bitter. It just sort of happened to me.
carhill Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I think this is the thread referenced in the OP, for clarity: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/351169-pre-selection-myth IMO, each of us is different psychologically so generalities are hard to assert. For example, one person might be highly transparent wrt feelings like bitterness and another person sufficiently compartmentalized where bitterness would not seep into their interactions that don't touch the bitterness compartment. There can be many potentials combining transparency and compartmentalization which would return varying 'hiding' of bitterness about dating or any other subject/experience. Since most of my friends can read me pretty easily, meaning they can comment on my mood without overt expression of it and be spot on, I would opine, so far, I have little bitterness about dating. I think the last time my best friend commented 'bitter much?' about my reflections upon my M was nearly a year ago. If I was bitter about something, they'd sense it and comment on it. It's great having friends who give such feedback. 1
Author ThaWholigan Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Because I don't wear it on my sleeve offline plus I never wanted to be bitter. It just sort of happened to me. That's not your fault - it's not really a lot of people's fault for being bitter admittedly. The difference in your situation is that you have probably had relationships - but your marriage was toxic so I think your situation was actually worse. It would be hard NOT to be bitter - and you've done a pretty good job of actually getting your life back to an extent and I hope it stays good. In this particular case though regarding the inexperienced, the bitterness is actively holding them back - yet they justify it because of the rejections and their own ignorance of how attraction is - again, that's also not their fault. But that element is still to be guarded against and gotten rid of IMO, otherwise they will struggle and continue to blame it on things that aren't preventing them.
Author ThaWholigan Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 I think this is the thread referenced in the OP, for clarity: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/351169-pre-selection-myth IMO, each of us is different psychologically so generalities are hard to assert. For example, one person might be highly transparent wrt feelings like bitterness and another person sufficiently compartmentalized where bitterness would not seep into their interactions that don't touch the bitterness compartment. There can be many potentials combining transparency and compartmentalization which would return varying 'hiding' of bitterness about dating or any other subject/experience. Since most of my friends can read me pretty easily, meaning they can comment on my mood without overt expression of it and be spot on, I would opine, so far, I have little bitterness about dating. I think the last time my best friend commented 'bitter much?' about my reflections upon my M was nearly a year ago. If I was bitter about something, they'd sense it and comment on it. It's great having friends who give such feedback. This actually makes a LOT of sense. So if you find it difficult to hide your bitterness, logic dictates you have to get rid of it, right?
xdahliax Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 What I see on LS is not just bitterness. I think certain people are unstable, and it is one of the causes of their inexperience which leads to bitterness. As for plain old bitterness, everyone has it to a certain degree but most people understand how controlling it can be beneficial.
xdahliax Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Why all the hate against bitterness? It's not attractive. No one likes negative energy
AD1980 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I guarantee that if you talk to anyone who knows me even women[mostly friends wives]theyd have no idea im bitter or negative at all in fact im always praised of always being positive and helping people out.. This is a place i come to vent..32 years of no women will tend to at least make a person pessimistic or a bit negative in that aspsect of their life its just natural.. 2
utterer of lies Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 It's not attractive. No one likes negative energy Haha, you're one to talk.
Author ThaWholigan Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Why all the hate against bitterness? It's not me that hates it . My point isn't necessarily 100% about the bitterness itself, it's how the inexperienced dudes deal with it and then whine about it. It's what is holding them back in my opinion - it's not their shortness, or their perceived ugliness or any of that stuff they blame. It's because their personal bitterness makes them ignorant in my opinion. So they never get better enough that they can actually attract a woman. If they want to attract women, then getting rid of, or at least managing, their bitterness is one of the most important things they could do.
MrCastle Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I think this place is good for venting. So if I have a failed interaction with a girl, I can come here and vent and say whatever I need to say, it may come off as bitter, but it's just me blowing off steam. Then, I go back to the real world with a new, positive frame. I do think there may be people who go to sleep bitter and wake up bitter, but I'm not one of them. When I'm disappointed in something, I make it known. Better to come on here and vent my frustrations than to do it to people in the real world whom I have to see in person day in and day out. I'm not going to attack a girl and say things like you shallow bitch! I hope you're miserable for years to come! I just take the rejection with a smile and move on, then come on here and let it out if need be.
Author ThaWholigan Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 I guarantee that if you talk to anyone who knows me even women[mostly friends wives]theyd have no idea im bitter or negative at all in fact im always praised of always being positive and helping people out.. This is a place i come to vent..32 years of no women will tend to at least make a person pessimistic or a bit negative in that aspsect of their life its just natural.. That's cool. I think you're problem is that you see no hope for yourself so you think that nothing will work for you. I would say that isn't true, and that you could learn to become attractive.
xdahliax Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Haha, you're one to talk. Lol geez... what does that mean?
Author ThaWholigan Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 I think this place is good for venting. So if I have a failed interaction with a girl, I can come here and vent and say whatever I need to say, it may come off as bitter, but it's just me blowing off steam. Then, I go back to the real world with a new, positive frame. I do think there may be people who go to sleep bitter and wake up bitter, but I'm not one of them. When I'm disappointed in something, I make it known. Better to come on here and vent my frustrations than to do it to people in the real world whom I have to see in person day in and day out. I'm not going to attack a girl and say things like you shallow bitch! I hope you're miserable for years to come! I just take the rejection with a smile and move on, then come on here and let it out if need be. I hear that, venting is good. But there is something about the consistency of certain views held that is damaging - not from you. The whole idea that that women only like certain things, or that they can never be attractive etc etc. These are beliefs you have to get rid of if you want to get anywhere.
AD1980 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 That's cool. I think you're problem is that you see no hope for yourself so you think that nothing will work for you. I would say that isn't true, and that you could learn to become attractive. Maybe but id rather set the bar low so if i ever get a women il lbe pelasantly surprised instead of obsessing and wantign ti so bad and if ti doesnt happen im on a ledge.. Apathy helps me cope more then really wanting it
utterer of lies Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Lol geez... what does that mean? Nevermind.
MrCastle Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 It's not me that hates it . My point isn't necessarily 100% about the bitterness itself, it's how the inexperienced dudes deal with it and then whine about it. It's what is holding them back in my opinion - it's not their shortness, or their perceived ugliness or any of that stuff they blame. It's because their personal bitterness makes them ignorant in my opinion. So they never get better enough that they can actually attract a woman. If they want to attract women, then getting rid of, or at least managing, their bitterness is one of the most important things they could do. I compare it to teams that go through long losing streaks. You can try to keep the morale high by pep talks after a loss, not trying to dwell on the losses, but in the end, the only cure for losing, is winning. Guys can continue to try and write off rejections and let it roll off their back, but as it accumulates, the only thing that is going to truly solve their problem is success. I really do think it's a matter of getting the ball rolling for some people. Their bitterness will change once they have a taste of success. I don't think you can force yourself to be optimistic when there is nothing to be optimistic about. 1
MrCastle Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I hear that, venting is good. But there is something about the consistency of certain views held that is damaging - not from you. The whole idea that that women only like certain things, or that they can never be attractive etc etc. These are beliefs you have to get rid of if you want to get anywhere. Yeah self defeatist attitudes get you nowhere. Some people have limiting beliefs that definitely hinder their success. I'm speaking more in terms of guys who continue to get shot down no matter what they believe, and are expected to just keep pushing through with a smile on their face. I believe there needs to be a reason for smiling; you can't fake happiness.
AD1980 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I compare it to teams that go through long losing streaks. You can try to keep the morale high by pep talks after a loss, not trying to dwell on the losses, but in the end, the only cure for losing, is winning. Guys can continue to try and write off rejections and let it roll off their back, but as it accumulates, the only thing that is going to truly solve their problem is success. I really do think it's a matter of getting the ball rolling for some people. Their bitterness will change once they have a taste of success. I don't think you can force yourself to be optimistic when there is nothing to be optimistic about. I feel the exact same way..its hard to be positive when youve never "won" so to speak.. I think if i foudn even one girl to tell me im attractive and be into me it would get the ball rolling and my confidence would go up a ton and id break out of my shell in approaching women..
MrCastle Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I feel the exact same way..its hard to be positive when youve never "won" so to speak.. I think if i foudn even one girl to tell me im attractive and be into me it would get the ball rolling and my confidence would go up a ton and id break out of my shell in approaching women.. Yeah. I don't think it has to be massive success, like a hot girl walking up to you on the street and propositioning you for sex; but little things that serve as building blocks. Maybe a girl gives you a number here, a girl smiles at you in the mall there, a girl responds to your texts/phone calls in a way that makes it seem like she's genuinely into you and not just texting to be nice. Things like that, little by little build confidence and push people in the right direction. They need something to get them started, in my opinion. 1
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