ComingInHot Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Some of you know a bit about my FWH's A. Things are going pretty great by the way. Husband & I started watching a t.v. series (not saying which one cause it's kind of cheesy*)... Well I noticed that one of the actresses "resembles" FOW. I started (w/out really realizing it) watching his reaction every time the actress appeared. I don't know if it's all in my head but it appeared that he "perked" up when she came into a scene. It REALLY bugged me! He commented on her once stating she had very prominent features... That bugged me MORE! I can see he has a "type" he is attracted too and it doesn't seem to be me. She dresses "scantily" & is obviously "easy" so her character portrays. Does ANYONE else feel weirded out and somewhat hurt when you notice your FWS looking at or perk up when a look alike/doppleganger appears? Whether on the t.v. or in a grocery store or anywhere? It hate that this is even an issue for me as FWH has really stepped up and giving his Everything towards me, our marriage and family!!
BetrayedH Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 I was triggered anytime my wife spoke to any man. Not sure I really recall being triggered by her seeing someone that I perceived as her type. My huge problem was hotels. They went 1-2 times a week for about a year and to almost all of them in the area where we both work. Her main ones were about a half mile from my office. I found her accounts to all of them, made a lis of dates, took screenshots in case I needed them for a divorce. ANY reference to ANY hotel was then a trigger for me and still is. Fortunately for me, the triggers don't really impact me at all anymore (in terms of grief) because I now see her for who she is - a toxic person who I am fortunate to have (somewhat) escaped. But the hotels still trigger a memory. Astounding what this stuff does to the brain. For what it's worth, I also have a "type" that mometarily grabs my attention. My wife didn't fit that description. But it didn't remotely have an impact on how much I absolutely adored my wife; she had no competition. I had decent boundaries in place. It's one thing for a man to briefly entertain a sexual thought. It's another thing altogether to act in any way that would facilitate an opprtunity for it to come to fruition. Cheaters blow through one stop sign after another to get into an emotional or physical affair. Everyone is tempted; not everyone acts on it. I think the key is for your husband to do enough work on his boundaries such that you can trust him never to blow thru another stop sign. When he sees an attractive woman, he should picture how you would react to another betrayal and you might be well served to suggest exactly that. 1
NotCamelot Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 For me, it is anytime that the OM's name is said by anyone. It could be someone on TV, radio, etc...... if that first name is heard I immediately am reminded of what happened. To clarify: none of the times are the names used to refer to the OM.....it just happens to be his name. 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 For me, it is anytime that the OM's name is said by anyone. It could be someone on TV, radio, etc...... if that first name is heard I immediately am reminded of what happened. To clarify: none of the times are the names used to refer to the OM.....it just happens to be his name. Same for me. I'm thankful that the OM's name is not very common, because I really don't like to hear it at all.
Author ComingInHot Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 I'm glad I'm not the only one... I hope I don't always feel this way. I guess when I see someone who resembles the OW, I can't help thinking, "does FWH want Her now, or is he thinking of how hot he remembers OW to be?" That seemed to be the big argument from OW. Her being SO much better & younger etc every time she USED to "drop in" and remind me she is still alive and doing "better" than me. Just something I have to get over da#$% !!
BetrayedH Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) I'm glad I'm not the only one... I hope I don't always feel this way. I guess when I see someone who resembles the OW, I can't help thinking, "does FWH want Her now, or is he thinking of how hot he remembers OW to be?" That seemed to be the big argument from OW. Her being SO much better & younger etc every time she USED to "drop in" and remind me she is still alive and doing "better" than me. Just something I have to get over da#$% !! While they can never say it to us, the cruel fact is that yes, we do eventually have to "get over it" in order to reconcile. That said, you don't have to carry this burden alone. You can and probably should share your triggers with him so he can see that his behaviors today can still cause you pain. In particular, he can try to do things that avoid triggers (such as instituting new boundaries for himself; he can easily decide to avert his eyes a few seconds earlier than what he used to do). And having/demonstrating better boundaries will help him restore your trust in him. It's a win for both of you. Perhaps a good subject for MC. Conversely, if you don't discuss it, he will continue admiring his type and perhaps unknowingly build resentment in you. If that resentment isn't resolved, it will kill a marriage. Don't avoid the conflict; resolve it. MC is usually a safe place to do it because the MC keeps the conversation to one without yelling and so forth. ETA...even my new GF is instituting better boundaries for herself on my behalf. She canceled a one-on-one lunch meeting with a male colleague just because she has learned to be sensitive to what I have been through (and I believe she has learned that boundaries are a good and smart thing to have to safeguard a relationship). If my GF can do it, your H can do it. Edited October 9, 2012 by BetrayedH 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 While we were trying to reconcile I didn't have any triggers like that. OM wasn't too different from myself build-wise actually. He might have had a little better fat to muscle ratio..but I think we were both a bit overweight at the time. It was weird to think she chose him...I didn't think he was a step up + he was married. As to his name, it's a verrryyyy common one so I don't trigger over that either. I work with a guy with that same name every day. This thread reminds me a lot of this recent one over in the marriage section http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/348973-younger-version-my-wife The guy says his main concern was the awkwardness...I was worried about more than that. He seemed to be doing all the right things though.
Decorative Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 The OW looks like a shorter and younger version of me. My spouse has a type, for sure, and she matches me. The thing I struggle with is that OW and one of my daughters share a name. And the OW's sister's name is the same as mine. So the name things has been awesome. Not.
Author ComingInHot Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 The name thing gets me too but not AS much. It is sooo common I think I've just come to terms w/it. As I should, by the way, w/the rest of it... * She is/was SO incredibly different than me and in every way. Tall super skinny long drawn face (but pretty), dressing borderline skanky and her personality too, not a care in the world and the only person to matter was herself. Albeit fun yet tiresome I'd think. I am petite w/just enough curve and have what people say a lasting beauty that doesn't need much help. I care for others and try to create an environment where all can be comfortable & have fun. I hate the comparison thing in my head but Man are we different. Just don't get why he chose me in the first place if "that" personality & look pleased him. Yet he DID want me and DOES seem to still choose me everyday.
BetrayedH Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 The name thing gets me too but not AS much. It is sooo common I think I've just come to terms w/it. As I should, by the way, w/the rest of it... * She is/was SO incredibly different than me and in every way. Tall super skinny long drawn face (but pretty), dressing borderline skanky and her personality too, not a care in the world and the only person to matter was herself. Albeit fun yet tiresome I'd think. I am petite w/just enough curve and have what people say a lasting beauty that doesn't need much help. I care for others and try to create an environment where all can be comfortable & have fun. I hate the comparison thing in my head but Man are we different. Just don't get why he chose me in the first place if "that" personality & look pleased him. Yet he DID want me and DOES seem to still choose me everyday. Yes, he did and does want you. If he didn't, it would be easier for him altogether to leave. He had and has a choice and has stayed right where he wants to be. The mistake he made was thinking that he could have both of you. That's on him and nothing on you. You've won in this competition although I would tend to think of you as the prize, not one of the competitors. 1
Furious Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 The name thing gets me too but not AS much. It is sooo common I think I've just come to terms w/it. As I should, by the way, w/the rest of it... * She is/was SO incredibly different than me and in every way. Tall super skinny long drawn face (but pretty), dressing borderline skanky and her personality too, not a care in the world and the only person to matter was herself. Albeit fun yet tiresome I'd think. I am petite w/just enough curve and have what people say a lasting beauty that doesn't need much help. I care for others and try to create an environment where all can be comfortable & have fun. I hate the comparison thing in my head but Man are we different. Just don't get why he chose me in the first place if "that" personality & look pleased him. Yet he DID want me and DOES seem to still choose me everyday. Sometimes it's more about who is giving the WS attention, rather than the type they're usually attracted to. The differences or similarities in the OW/OM can leave a betrayed spouse perplexed and confused. In my situation the OW was close to my age, but the similarities stopped there. I had imagined she was pretty and well educated, that she was elegant and probably great fun. I don't know if it would have bothered me more if she been that, instead of the reality she was average looking, had a dead end job, a smoker,( which my husband had always detested), and a drinking problem. In my situation my husband did affair down, and the appeal was that she was aggressive in her pursuit and had an endless supply of compliments to feed his ego. Sometimes when someone is feeding your ego they became more attractive to you and that the attention, ego stroking, becomes irresistible. 1
Author ComingInHot Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 BetrayedH: You are so nice & thank you! I'm actually happy about NOT knowing about the A until it was well over. I never had a chance to approach it as a competition & I'm not certain I would have "competed" to keep him...lol* Now that we are to the MC & reconciliation, I Do sometimes think, "would he like me more if I tried to be like her" YUCK!! And how petty & juvenile of me, for Pete's sake!! I really need to get over my bad self... . I tend to want things five minutes ago and get down on myself when I can't make that happen. And THIS whole thing is gonna take time... blah,
BetrayedH Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 BetrayedH: You are so nice & thank you! I'm actually happy about NOT knowing about the A until it was well over. I never had a chance to approach it as a competition & I'm not certain I would have "competed" to keep him...lol* Now that we are to the MC & reconciliation, I Do sometimes think, "would he like me more if I tried to be like her" YUCK!! And how petty & juvenile of me, for Pete's sake!! I really need to get over my bad self... . I tend to want things five minutes ago and get down on myself when I can't make that happen. And THIS whole thing is gonna take time... blah, Yeah, I had the unfortunate piece of "honesty" from my wife that the OM was more dominant in bed and better understood where that line was. Ouch. Then once I met with him to hear from his mouth what his future intentions were with my wife (he was still her boss until one of them transferred). While he was balding with glasses (and completely not anyone I would remotely consider my wife's type), he was very tall. And here I was with a medium height and build. Took me a long time to get him out of my mind when she and I were intimate. I always envisioned him in the room coaching me on how I was doing it wrong and how she liked it. Then I would be all focused on how hard, how fast and physically lose my ability altogether. Lovely stuff. That problem eventually just faded with time and I knew it wouldn't be the long-term hurdle to worry about (just requires patience) and I knew that the bigger hurdle was my ability to trust her going forward. The mind movies and triggers sucked but were certainly secondary to honesty. Sadly, she failed in that department, too, and when that happened, I lost any patience I had ever found.
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 ... I hate the comparison thing in my head but Man are we different. Just don't get why he chose me in the first place if "that" personality & look pleased him. Yet he DID want me and DOES seem to still choose me everyday. I dunno about other people..(actually I suspect everyone is like this) I don't just have 1 type, I could be turned on by many different looks, I don't really believe that everyone is so single minded. The real thing is commitment to the one you married and having proper boundaries. I'm down with that, but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate other looks, or couldn't have ended up with someone that looked different. I wouldn't sweat what they look like...it's your spouse's attitude that's the important thing. Look at that other thread I pointed out, and also my specific case. Someone who looks like yourself can also be a threat. There are always threats out there whether it's the younger you or the "strange" that catches their attention.
Owl Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 I struggled a little with this back when we were first starting to reconcile. Apparently his "type" was much much different than I physically. His name was pretty common, so occasionally that was a bit of a trigger too. A couple of years ago, I was acting manager and hired a new team member that's now one of my peers...and good friends...who has the same first name. After he and I became friends, I informed him how nearly he DIDN'T get the job due to my prejudice against his name!!! (LOL...clearly it wasn't a factor, best hiring decision I ever made!). The other thing was the state OM lived in...we still joke that she'll never be allowed to visit that state! As we recovered, and things stopped being painful triggers...it stopped mattering, and in fact we're able to joke about these kinds of things occasionally now. But back then...I felt like she'd be interested in every guy of that "type" that she met. Now...I KNOW that I'm the man she wants to be with...has chosen and shown me she wants to be with. 1
Author ComingInHot Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 Ninja & Owl: I have Never considered that it was not the "type" per say. Thank You for that! I mean honestly I love how different we all are & I would say that I look at people the same way I look at art or listen to music. Many different things can be attractive to me. What a weight lifted. LiiiiggghhhtBuuuuulb . !!! And the fact that he IS doing everything he should (at this point) is amazing in itself. I'm reassured more and more that even though he can be attracted to different types of beauty, he won't act on that attraction ever again! I hope...* I'm going to show him how much I appreciate his efforts tonight* Ya, I got moves... moves that should only be seen in the dark!!! Lol! Get it? In the dark... where we can't actually See... It's really bad when I can make my Own self crack up... 2
Author ComingInHot Posted October 9, 2012 Author Posted October 9, 2012 Dougforthewin: EEEEWWWWWUUUuuuuuuuu!!!! Hahaha. I truly believe seeing "that" would do me in**
Snowflower Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 His name was pretty common, so occasionally that was a bit of a trigger too. A couple of years ago, I was acting manager and hired a new team member that's now one of my peers...and good friends...who has the same first name. After he and I became friends, I informed him how nearly he DIDN'T get the job due to my prejudice against his name!!! (LOL...clearly it wasn't a factor, best hiring decision I ever made!). Ah yes, the name! It was a trigger for me for a long time. Her name isn't real popular, common yes, but not popular so when I would hear it so infrequently, it would set me off. I have recently started becoming friends with a woman who has that same first name. It still kind of throws me for a loop because my husband is also friends with her husband (the guys were friends first) so when my H has said THAT NAME more frequently lately, it is still kind of hard to hear. I don't think I will ever tell my new friend my thoughts about her name. Owl, I'm assuming you didn't explain exactly why either!
SidLyon Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) I have a trigger when the OW's name is mentioned. Here's a link to a thread of mine more than 3 years ago, the day I confronted the OW: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/186419-i-confronted-her It was on the day that news broke of Mel Gibson's affair, and it just so happened the OW's name was the same. The media were trying to work out exactly which Oksana he was involved with. Uggh. Edited October 9, 2012 by SidLyon
Author ComingInHot Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Sid: What a powerful thread! I just finished reading it. And here you are three years later... Looking back to that time compared to now, any of those "triggers" put you in an insecure place? Any look a likes ? We had a great night tonight actually. I had (after posting here) kind of a super girl night* business ten kids & homework then laundry then dinner then clean up then tuck ins & prayers then chat time *etc...* w/husband. I'm all jacked up for some reason/can't sleep but happy. Trepidatious. But happy.
waterwoman Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Always disliked it even before H met her. Its the name of one of the characters in a soap opera in the UK. It's an ugly name IMO and has an ugly sound. Like nails on a blackboard to me now 1
Recommended Posts