I confronted "her"!

[SidLyon]

It's been over 5 months since D day and finally a few days ago I felt strong enough to face her - the OW.

 

I gathered up many of the gifts she had given my H over the course of their 3.5 year A and went to her workplace. I handed them to her in a bag saying something like "we don't need these anymore".

 

She looked in the bag saying something like "what have we here" and then looked at me and said "oh are you S...?".

 

I had been shaking on the walk to her work and she also was shaky. She suggested we go to a nearby coffee shop and we spent about 1.5 hours there - just chatting - well I did most of the talking.

 

All she could say in response to my "why" question was that she found my H so very attractive. Otherwise she didn't tell me anything. She was quite teary and miserable throughout - she has lost everything her own H and now mine.

 

Despite this I think it will be "good" for me as I've now seen she is ordinary - not some tall, gorgeous, blonde, sex goddess - :-). I can recommend it to other BWs.

 

Funnily enough she is Russian and her name is Oksana - if I knew her better I might have asked if she knew Mel Gibson.

 

Has anyone else got a confronting the OW story?

 

Sid

[Spark1111]

Sid, but I waited over a year to make the phone call. I wanted to see if she still had the same cell phone number (she does!) and I called it early one morning. She didn't call me back, but called him at work angry I had tried to make contact, which I find very arrogant since she and he were responsible for the most painful event in my life.

 

We are now in IC and MC and I think I have finally turned a corner in this whole painfully devastating situation. I too, want only to ask two questions: How did you give yourself permission to sleep with a married man who did not promise you a future, to separate, to stop sleeping with his wife? and, How could you help him to systematically destroy this family I worked 25 years to nourish?

 

In the end, her actions, or lack thereof, do not matter. It speaks volumes to her, or again, lack thereof, character. Ironic, isn't it, that her husband left her and married his last affair partner and they are still embroiled in bitter legal battles.

 

As a single mom raising a somewhat difficult child, I gave her every benefit of the doubt and mostly blamed my husband, thinking he took advantage of her situation at a very difficult time in our lives, you know, the whole "knight in shining armor" scenario. However, the more I learn the details, they used each other equally to fill a void in their sad and miserable lives at that time.

 

I don't know. At one time, I was obsessed with the prospect of running into her and asking my "why" questions, too. I did feel it would be a necessary part of my healing and closure. But now, the more I learn of some of her actions and reactions (as relayed by my wondering spouse) and her total avoidance to my reaching out to her, the more I hope I DON'T run into her.

[Spark1111]

I talked girlfriends and my two grown daughters out of marching onto her doorstep on DDay to give her a real scolding, claiming, we have too much class for that and who knows how he led her on? Who knows if I still even want him? And maybe her deserves a chance at happiness with her if that is what he wants?

 

But, he no longer wanted any part of her once the secrecy was blown, and came begging back to me. So I protect her from an onslaught of familial wrath, and she can't even return my call one year later? Speaks volumes to me of the typical cheater character: insecure and conflict-avoiding. Do you agree? Didn't your confrontation confirm these characteristics in your Ws OW?

[SidLyon]

Yes I think she was insecure and I know my H is a conflict avoider - as with you Spark; together they have been responsible for the biggest tragedy of my life (so far). I suppose the death of her own H and me finding out about H and her has probably been her big tragedy. She implied she always knew they could never be together but I guess riding off into the sunset was still part of the fantasy.

 

She did apologise to me and at one stage tried to pat my arm but I asked her not to touch me - I think this upset her.

 

I guess there was a part of me that wanted to tell her she was contemptible but in the end I didn't - I expect she realised that was what I thought though.

 

The sad thing is that I've always beleived that fairly ordinary everyday people have affairs - I still think so.

 

S

[Alex_M]

...She looked in the bag saying something like "what have we here" and then looked at me and said "oh are you S...?".

 

I had been shaking on the walk to her work and she also was shaky. She suggested we go to a nearby coffee shop and we spent about 1.5 hours there - just chatting - well I did most of the talking.

 

All she could say in response to my "why" question was that she found my H so very attractive. Otherwise she didn't tell me anything. She was quite teary and miserable throughout - she has lost everything her own H and now mine...

 

I know what she did was pretty bad but what you did to her seems a bit harsh. I know how easy it is to make monsters out of these people and I'm not siding with cheaters at all. I just don't think two wrongs make a right.

 

I hope you feel better from the closure instead of making the person who contributed to your anguish feel miserable.

 

Well, glad it made you feel better anyways

[MichelleS1983]

Quite honestly Syd, I think you were pretty damned gracious and I don't see it as 'wrong' or 'harsh' at all, as the poster before me stated.

 

"Wrong" and "harsh" would better describe the OW's happy cooperation in helping your husband deceive you for 3 years. "Wrong" and "harsh" is the OW's mistaken logic that she could just enter in an affair with someone simply because she found him 'so attractive.'

 

To have brought her a bag containing the items she'd given your husband, then to spend an hour and a half chatting over coffee in an adult manner with her, was not harsh at all.

 

I think it was pretty damned big of you, in my opinion.

[desertmoon]

Hello Sidlyon!

 

That's some courage there! Although, if I have to do something like that, I probably would demand that my husband return the items to her in front of me.... You know, so that it is clear to her that he does not need those things anymore and do not value them...I know, it's evil...LOL!

 

Anyway, do you feel better? are you able to move on a bit quicker now?

[LadyDi]

If you were over it, why even bother?

[whichwayisup]

I know what she did was pretty bad but what you did to her seems a bit harsh.

Harsh how? Because she confronted the OW? Are we reading the same thread?

[Spark1111]

Hard to believe we are WWIU! Especially when I read how some people react, I am amazed and proud of the restraint many women show after DDay, myself included. Alex M, keep reading if you think Syd was harsh. You have no idea truly what CAN transpire after DDay.

[bentnotbroken]

I did more than once, it was the best thing I could have done for myself. It allowed me to see her for who she really was and put the A into the box it belonged in. Congrats on reclaiming you life. And for the poster who thought this was harsh, what do you call f-ing another's spouse? a middle finger gesture?

[pelicanpreacher]

I did more than once, it was the best thing I could have done for myself. It allowed me to see her for who she really was and put the A into the box it belonged in. Congrats on reclaiming you life. And for the poster who thought this was harsh, what do you call f-ing another's spouse? a middle finger gesture?

 

:lmao::lmao: Success stories abound! :lmao::lmao:

[desertmoon]

lol..such language---and palpable anger...still we are over it;);)!

[bentnotbroken]

What are you babbling about now?

[hopesndreams]

All she could say in response to my "why" question was that she found my H so very attractive.

 

She sounds as dumb as a box of hair.

[SidLyon]

I know what she did was pretty bad but what you did to her seems a bit harsh. I know how easy it is to make monsters out of these people and I'm not siding with cheaters at all. I just don't think two wrongs make a right.

 

I hope you feel better from the closure instead of making the person who contributed to your anguish feel miserable.

 

Well, glad it made you feel better anyways

 

****************************************************

 

I don't consider what I did to have been 'wrong' but I suppose you are entitled to think it wrong. I'd be interested to know why you consider it wrong for me to have returned the gifts.

 

The coffee was her suggestion and I made several moves to end the meeting but she seemed to want to continue talking. I wasn't abusive to her. If anything her misery was about her own situation; ie the death of her H and perhaps the loss of her lover (who happens to be my H).

 

Meeting her made me realise she wasn't a monster but neither was she the gorgeous sex goddess type. It will definitely help me to stop focusing on her and to concentrate more on my H who is after all the one who has made and broken his commitments to me.

 

S

[SidLyon]

If you were over it, why even bother?

 

Hmm I don't recall suggesting that I'm over it - far from it in fact.

 

I may write reasonably lucidly and even unemotionally but it is wrong to assume that I'm over it. Right now I feel that I will never be over it but I live in the hope that one day it won't be so painful. My H and I are also trying hard to re-establish our marriage.

 

I cry about it every day and have had difficulty doing the ordinary things in life - such as eating, sleeping, working, caring for my family, socialising with friends and studying (I'm also a full time student nearly finished my LLB).

 

S

[SidLyon]

I've had mixed advice about confronting the OW but now I've done it and I can only see benefits. Before this she was just a 'concept' to me and no doubt to her I was just her 'MM's cold wife' - a label - but nobody she could relate to as a person.

 

Provided neither the betrayed wife nor the OW are psychos likely to do physical harm to each other, or stalkers; then I think it helps - I don't know if it would be different if they already knew each other though.

 

S

[HeidiB125]

I am so proud of you for confronting her. It's something I think of doing but I feel I'm still too unstable emotionally. Before their affair began I met her and her husband at a barbecue where I was 6 months pregnant plus my two little ones were with us. My husband was loving and attentive to me all the time we were there (she remembers that). Her and I got along and I actually liked her and was glad my husband had a christian "friend" at work. Still a month later she was writing him love notes and sent him a scrapbook of they're goofy times spent together at work, how they first met, lunch outings, love song lyrics, etc. and saying how she was falling for him. He says even though he also had feelings for her he would not have "gone there" with her had she not written such things to him and was so into their relationship...Is this a man woman thing? I'm not making excuses for him because I'm sure he spoke about his own struggles but I often question now why do people feel the need to "tell" someone when they start to have feelings towards them instead of doing the right thing by backing off. Anyway...I hope to one day have the same experience you had.

[whichwayisup]

If you were over it, why even bother?

 

How can she be over it if this happened less than 6 months ago?

[2sure]

I contacted OW. For me, it was a necessary step in regaining my self worth. I needed to no longer make myself a "concept" to her.

I didn't ask any questions. I introduced myself and told her that invited by my H or not - she had trespassed into MY life. This was about me and for me. She knew about me, and I didn't know about her although she was participating in MY life. I wanted her to know that I was now up to speed and FULLY engaged.

I was matter of fact, but not hostile. I needed to not be anonymous to her.

It helped me, and probably put things into a more accurate perspective for her.

[theycallmeprincess]

What are you babbling about now?

 

If you can't recognize the sarcasm in the post this is a response to, this is evidence to the lack of your intelligence. However recognizing babble should be very easy for you, being that babble is all that you post.

 

Then again you're the one who thinks you have somehow "earned the right" to post such nonsense, just because you have the right doesn't mean you have to exercise it.

[theycallmeprincess]

, and she can't even return my call one year later?

 

 

Why would she return your phone call? Like you said, one year later, why would she want to reopen an old wound just so you can confront her?

[NoIDidn't]

I contacted OW. For me, it was a necessary step in regaining my self worth. I needed to no longer make myself a "concept" to her.

I didn't ask any questions. I introduced myself and told her that invited by my H or not - she had trespassed into MY life. This was about me and for me. She knew about me, and I didn't know about her although she was participating in MY life. I wanted her to know that I was now up to speed and FULLY engaged.

I was matter of fact, but not hostile. I needed to not be anonymous to her.

It helped me, and probably put things into a more accurate perspective for her.

 

Exactly, I did the same thing.

 

What I don't get is why when we call them, they immediately call our husbands? As if?!!!

 

What exactly do they think HE is going to tell us when he knows that they (he and she) are the ones in the wrong?!

 

Yeah, I'd say arrogant too.

 

But I'm with desertmoon, I'm evil. LOL. I'd make HIM do the gift return with me there (or on the phone) so I can get a blow-by-blow. (I never claimed to be the most civil woman alive, LOL).

[bentnotbroken]

If you can't recognize the sarcasm in the post this is a response to, this is evidence to the lack of your intelligence. However recognizing babble should be very easy for you, being that babble is all that you post.

 

Then again you're the one who thinks you have somehow "earned the right" to post such nonsense, just because you have the right doesn't mean you have to exercise it.

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: I hope that stick won't irritate you much longer.