Silly_Girl Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Carrie, I love your posts in this thread. I really get where you're coming from and am very, very happy for you. It sounds like you're going to have a hell of a time!
Els Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 So happy for you and your Master, Carrie! To me, it bothers me. It's kind of like saying, "I'm an average woman and you're an average man, but I don't think you're sexually attractive because I've had hot men and you're not HOT." It's almost like if a man doesn't inspire that 'love at first sight' feeling, he's going to have to work his arse off and show all his goods to give you that 'swoon, butterflies' even though you two are in all reality equal looking. No, it's 'He was so amazing in every other way that he suddenly became the most handsome person in the world to me! '. And isn't that what you WANT? You want a woman who is able to appreciate men for their personality and who they really are, not for how they look like. Well, that's what the women here are doing! This is what it means to love someone for their personality so much that it magically transforms their appearance from the 'average-looking man' to the man you can't take your eyes off of. And that is what makes relationships last, IMO, not 'omg he is hawt' love-at-first-sight drivel. 3
Author CarrieT Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 And isn't that what you WANT? You want a woman who is able to appreciate men for their personality and who they really are, not for how they look like. Well, that's what the women here are doing! This is what it means to love someone for their personality so much that it magically transforms their appearance from the 'average-looking man' to the man you can't take your eyes off of. And that is what makes relationships last, IMO, not 'omg he is hawt' love-at-first-sight drivel. So eloquently put, Miss Elswyth!!! Love transcends! 1
jobaba Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 So happy for you and your Master, Carrie! No, it's 'He was so amazing in every other way that he suddenly became the most handsome person in the world to me! '. And isn't that what you WANT? You want a woman who is able to appreciate men for their personality and who they really are, not for how they look like. Well, that's what the women here are doing! This is what it means to love someone for their personality so much that it magically transforms their appearance from the 'average-looking man' to the man you can't take your eyes off of. And that is what makes relationships last, IMO, not 'omg he is hawt' love-at-first-sight drivel. So eloquently put, Miss Elswyth!!! Love transcends! I understand what you're trying to say, and I agree... But flip it around. Say you were dating some guy and it was going great and he said to you after you'd been dating for a little, "You know, when I first met you, I wasn't attracted at all to you. But once I got to know you, then you started to become attractive." How would that make you gals feel? Not too beautiful and on top of the world probably. I know because it's happened to me. It's OK to feel it, just don't say it to him I would say.
BetheButterfly Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 A year ago, I started this thread that I may have met Prince Charming. This weekend, we are celebrating the One Year Anniversary of our first date, after having corresponded for two weeks. The relationship is progressing forward. I have secured a new job and for the next few months, I will be arranging an odd commuting schedule to work near where he lives (one week in his home, one week in a rented room, and weekends at my home). This is all in preparation for me moving in with him and his children after the holidays. He is very traditional in how quickly (or slowly!) I become integrated into his family and I have yet to sleep in his bed when his children are in the house. In the past year, I was taken to Vegas as a fifth date and for Valentine's Day, we went to Paris. This Thanksgiving, we are flying to the East Coast to be introduced to his parents. It is that serious... I am so happy for you CarrieT!!! 1
Author CarrieT Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Say you were dating some guy and it was going great and he said to you after you'd been dating for a little, "You know, when I first met you, I wasn't attracted at all to you. But once I got to know you, then you started to become attractive." How would that make you gals feel? I am a lot more eloquent that that. There are ways to be honest and truthful without being hurtful. More than feeling hurt by my lack of attraction to my BF, what really annoyed was that in the beginning, I would state that he was more of a figment of my imagination because no guy could ever be all those things I wanted. We talked about that last night over our anniversary dinner. He cared less that I wasn't physically attracted to him than he did that I was calling him a Figment. He even joked last night, "So, you are now attracted to my boyish good looks?" (yes, he has a bit of a baby-face, even in his 50s). I'm sorry it happened to you in a way that was hurtful. I knew how best to communicate my feelings in a way that were more complimentary than hurtful. It is simply a matter of semantics and vocabulary, I guess... 1
Els Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) I understand what you're trying to say, and I agree... But flip it around. Say you were dating some guy and it was going great and he said to you after you'd been dating for a little, "You know, when I first met you, I wasn't attracted at all to you. But once I got to know you, then you started to become attractive." How would that make you gals feel? Not too beautiful and on top of the world probably. I know because it's happened to me. It's OK to feel it, just don't say it to him I would say. I actually know that my bf didn't 'fall in love at first sight' with me, because he says that he doesn't believe in love at first sight. He falls in love with a woman as he gets to know her. I'm perfectly fine with that, and that's the only kind of man I want. 'Love at first sight' is a romantic notion and all that, but IMO what it REALLY means is, "I am totally capable of falling in love with someone just because they have a pretty face/hot body." That either means that the person 1) has a totally different idea of what love means, compared to mine, or 2) he is really that superficial. Eh, no thanks. Edited October 8, 2012 by Elswyth
jobaba Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I actually know that my bf didn't 'fall in love at first sight' with me, because he says that he doesn't believe in love at first sight. He falls in love with a woman as he gets to know her. I'm perfectly fine with that, and that's the only kind of man I want. 'Love at first sight' is a romantic notion and all that, but IMO what it REALLY means is, "I am totally capable of falling in love with someone just because they have a pretty face/hot body." That either means that the person 1) has a totally different idea of what love means, compared to mine, or 2) he is really that superficial. Eh, no thanks. LAFS is a completely different thing than being attracted to. I didn't have LAFS for any woman I've dated or even gone for (save for maybe one). But I was attracted to all of them (well, maybe not a couple of the ones I've gone for). But if I had been able to date them, I certainly would not have told them that. I think some people, particularly women have such a fine line of what they are attracted to or not.
Els Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Hrm, I guess you have a fair point there. In my case, I don't become 'attracted' to men until I am intellectually as well as physically attracted to them, and my bf seems to be the same. But if either of us had been the type to feel attraction purely on a physical basis, and it was present towards other people and not towards each other, there might be some discontent there. Regardless, Carrie's partner seems to be totally OK and happy with her full disclosure on the topic... so does it really matter? They are happy, and this thread is supposed to be about, y'know, happy things. 1
jobaba Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 We talked about that last night over our anniversary dinner. He cared less that I wasn't physically attracted to him than he did that I was calling him a Figment. He even joked last night, "So, you are now attracted to my boyish good looks?" (yes, he has a bit of a baby-face, even in his 50s). It's pretty simple really. If you tell a guy I thought you were "pretty cute" when you first met him, that'd be the end of it. Getting into all the nitty gritty details of how he swayed your emotional attraction is not necessary. Just imagine how what you said to him would make you feel if a guy said it to you. If that's OK, then I guess it's OK.
Els Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 We talked about that last night over our anniversary dinner. He cared less that I wasn't physically attracted to him than he did that I was calling him a Figment. He even joked last night, "So, you are now attracted to my boyish good looks?" (yes, he has a bit of a baby-face, even in his 50s). I think some men just really don't care about what people think about their appearance - it isn't how they value themselves at all, so they don't care that their partner values them for other things instead. They might even prefer it. I know my bf is that way.
jobaba Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I think some men just really don't care about what people think about their appearance - it isn't how they value themselves at all, so they don't care that their partner values them for other things instead. They might even prefer it. I know my bf is that way. True. But even so, I would never say that to a woman. I don't care how hideous I thought she was in the beginning (not that I think very many women are hideous). I'd tell her I thought she was cute. I'm very careful not to damage people's self esteem, because I know how it feels. The last time I called a person ugly was ... uh, never.
Author CarrieT Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Getting into all the nitty gritty details of how he swayed your emotional attraction is not necessary. Perhaps for YOU, this is not necessary. But for my current BF, much of our attraction to each other was the intellectual nitty gritty details. We talked and wrote and re-hashed it at length. It was part of our turn-on to each other that we would talk at length about our the growth of our emotional, physical, and intellectual relationship. This is why I hammer the need for communication between people because everyone communicates differently and needs varying levels of communication. We have thrived and grown because that is how we are wired and it works for us. It is also a reason - I believe - why we have yet to have any serious issues or fights. There have been two times we have had issues; one was a certain phrase I would use that his Ex used to try and manipulate him and another is the progression of me with his family. In both cases, we talked about it, expressed our feelings with no anger, and worked through it. No biggie. I don't want to sound elitist, but we are both intellectuals (he has several doctorates and I have multiple degrees). We get turned on by intellectual matters are some of our best dates have been attending lectures. It is the concept of ideas that stimulate and I get physically aroused when he starts explaining something scientific that I barely understand or goes from speaking Japanese to our sushi chef to conversing in French with the couple sitting next to us at the sushi bar and singing in Russian as we exit the restaurant. To me, that level of brain power is hawt... 1
CptObvious Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I'll admit, it's refreshing to see one of the nice guys win for a year or two. 1
jobaba Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) Perhaps for YOU, this is not necessary. But for my current BF, much of our attraction to each other was the intellectual nitty gritty details. We talked and wrote and re-hashed it at length. It was part of our turn-on to each other that we would talk at length about our the growth of our emotional, physical, and intellectual relationship. This is why I hammer the need for communication between people because everyone communicates differently and needs varying levels of communication. We have thrived and grown because that is how we are wired and it works for us. It is also a reason - I believe - why we have yet to have any serious issues or fights. There have been two times we have had issues; one was a certain phrase I would use that his Ex used to try and manipulate him and another is the progression of me with his family. In both cases, we talked about it, expressed our feelings with no anger, and worked through it. No biggie. I don't want to sound elitist, but we are both intellectuals (he has several doctorates and I have multiple degrees). We get turned on by intellectual matters are some of our best dates have been attending lectures. It is the concept of ideas that stimulate and I get physically aroused when he starts explaining something scientific that I barely understand or goes from speaking Japanese to our sushi chef to conversing in French with the couple sitting next to us at the sushi bar and singing in Russian as we exit the restaurant. To me, that level of brain power is hawt... That is not my question though. I'm honestly curious about it. Anyway, I'm not going to spoil your party. Congrats to you. I'll bring the point up in a different manner. Edited October 8, 2012 by jobaba
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