cheating makes no sense.

[Titanwolf]

Don't quite understand it either and I don't particularly want to. My empathy falls short for infidelity.

[Leigh 87]

This is completely wrong headed thinking. It's unhealthy to think that way.

 

Cheaters don't cheat because they "are with a person they would want to cheat on," or because they "cannot find a partner that does it for" them.

 

They cheat because of something inherent within THEMSELVES.

 

The "right partner" is not going to make a dishonest person honest.

 

 

 

Regarding the bolded: I am amazed that your relationship (I understand that you have deemed it to be taboo, but you've brought it up yourself right there) has been able to survive the intense and exhausting scrutiny and control efforts you subject it to … yes, we should talk about things that need discussing, but a HUGE part of any healthy and long term relationship has a LOT to do with giving space, letting things settle, and keeping ones mouth shut.

 

You know, your "partner" and you both are supposed to be complete, whole and fully functioning adult human beings regardless of what the other is doing.

 

It is true that a relationship needs to be attended to consciously, and taking people and relationships for granted paves the way for problems including the potential for cheating.

 

But you CANNOT survive emotionally in a relationship if you are thinking that if you do things "right" you will keep your partner from cheating on you.

 

If he / she is weak that way, you won't be able to control it by micromanaging everything from your side.

 

All you can do is to do your best and choose wisely.

 

I will agree with the other poster who said that many cheaters thought just the way you are.

 

Most of us who marry believe wholeheartedly that cheating makes no sense and that we would never do it.

 

My husband despised and harshly judged people who cheated and their weakness. But he ended up cheating (on his ex wife).

 

 

 

 

And what is WITH yout usage of the " in " partner"? Andrew is every bit as loving and good of a partner as anyone else.

Why is he questionable as a partner?

I have already told you he seldom drinks, does not do drugs, and treats me wonderfully, and has stuck by me when I was in a mental ward with anorexia when we met. Who cares about his crackhead friends, the two who were on drugs and had a go at me for being different?

He never had issues getting women. He actually chose a person he wanted to help.

Which is more than I think 99% of men would put up with.

Andrew has been the catalyst that got me over a serious eating disorder, to where I am happy maintaining a natural and healthy weight with no daily thoughts or struggles about it.......

 

And lastly: we are fully functioning units independantly of one another, albiet we are very attached. Not enough to stay together if we did not love each other a lot though. And I admit, given his mother recently passed, I am a great comfort to him and he really needs me for support as the go to person...

You know - we have our career objectives and things in life about us that make us US, without the influence of each other?

 

You sort of allude to neither of us having the true capacity to fully love? I disagree and think we both love as real and as strongly as any other couple.

[Leigh 87]

Precisely why I would not respond...

 

Glass houses.

 

 

 

I Know my partner thankyou, and I doubt he would cheat on me.

 

You have no indication of how he feels about me. I think he knows more than you.

 

I let him sleep with hookers because we were new to relationships and thought it was healthy.

 

Big deal really. It has nothing to do with how he feels about me. We know it was a stupid thing for us to do.

[Leigh 87]

Don't quite understand it either and I don't particularly want to. My empathy falls short for infidelity.

 

 

 

me too: I honestly do not think I could do it!:sick: but I do have emphathy for it, because I have a high sex drive and can see how one can easily lose control....

[Silly_Girl]

I Know my partner thankyou, and I doubt he would cheat on me.

 

You have no indication of how he feels about me. I think he knows more than you.

 

I let him sleep with hookers because we were new to relationships and thought it was healthy.

 

Big deal really. It has nothing to do with how he feels about me. We know it was a stupid thing for us to do.

 

I said nothing about his feelings for you. Or yours for him. Feel free to correct me on that. Leigh, his feelings for you seem to be a permanent focus of defensiveness on your part. I think there might be something in that worth pondering on.

 

...Being stupid (your word) negates the fact it was sexually unfaithful? Nope. You can't judge others on their interpretation of cheating when your boundaries are unclear and would easily fall in to many people's categorisation of cheating.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks. It appears you did not beg your husband to be with you, it sounds like he chose you above any women he had ever met or known of.

 

Andrew and I want to spend our lives together and do not care for other sexual partners. I wanted him to properly farewell his life as a single man before me. I just felt it was the right thing for him to do.

 

We have made a vow to end our relationship should we get any urges to cheat or be with other people., beyond fantasising about hot models or actresses for masturbation purposes; actual people we know of are of flimits if we have the hots for them and have real desires to be with them in real life.

 

 

 

That is always the best thing to have that urge thing out in the open

 

 

hah just found the quote button on the post cool why is it in dark type i cant get that off now i apologise for that.it wont go away ....lol....sorry tangent.....

 

I used to say that in a relationship....before you cheat let me know....so i can change your mind...and if you cant tell me and you cheat .....let me go by telling me after.....deb

[Leigh 87]

Leigh darling,

A boy and a girl are in a relationship.

That is called monogomy. (google it).

Boy puts his penis in another vagina other then yours whilst dating you.

Add that up and that is cheating.

Double standard ? Me thinks so. Andrew had his truffles and ate them too.

 

 

 

I agree we were not monogomus. Within our rules.

 

But he never cheated; I let him do it.

 

And just because of our past, I do not think it is more likely he will cheat now, because he is so happy with me that it cheat is not something I insinctively feel is going to happen to me.

[Leigh 87]

I said nothing about his feelings for you. Or yours for him. Feel free to correct me on that. Leigh, his feelings for you seem to be a permanent focus of defensiveness on your part. I think there might be something in that worth pondering on.

 

...Being stupid (your word) negates the fact it was sexually unfaithful? Nope. You can't judge others on their interpretation of cheating when your boundaries are unclear and would easily fall in to many people's categorisation of cheating.

 

 

Of COURSE I am defensive! It is INSULTING when people imply I am with a guy who is not 100% in love with me, and who frankly does not really like me that much at all.

I am very proud to be a women who NEVER settles for men unless they are 100% into me. I LIKED being single and have no desire to be in a relationship unless it is the real deal.

I would rather he single unless the guy is adoring and crazy about me!

I go for true love, the deepest kind, or FWB. There is no grey with relatioship for me, it is either crazy in love or not the type of relationship I care to be part of.

 

I find it incredibly ignorant and stupid of people to be having a go at the guy who lives with me and considers me the love of his life - our real life situation is far from a guy who is settling for some girl and is looking elswhere or is not really happy in the relationship.

[Leigh 87]

He still by text book definition cheated, and now you are saying you did too. Who did you shag ?

 

 

No one. He is the love of my life I believe, and I would not be able to be with other men. I do not really get my sl*t on even when I am single.

 

And even if it was cheating to you, it does not affect how he feels about me in our minds.

 

We have had other partners. We know what it is to be in love, and on the contrary, we also know what it is to NOT be into someone.

 

Andrew and I wish people would stop having the audacity to TELL him how he feels about me. Andrew feels very angry and upset at people who have the eerve to do this.

[Leigh 87]

Not that any one in real life would question his intentions; everyone who sees us know's we are the real deal.

And cheating is a sh*tty thing to do without someones consent I believe. I never minded that Andrew did to me lol. It literally did not upset me at all, even though I loved him.

I know he would not have needed to do it had to not paid and allowed him to get that out of his system.

 

Like most people on here who have a solid and loving relationship they believe to be lifeline material: Andrew and I, based on how it is NOW, feel like we could bet a million dollars that we would not cheat.

 

I am learning that it is ALWAYS possible to cheat. Although I do not feel it is likely with my own relationship, it is always a possibility with anyone I suppose.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

You sort of allude to neither of us having the true capacity to fully love? I disagree and think we both love as real and as strongly as any other couple.

 

That's not what I believe and I didn't say that.

 

I said that a person can't BE enough of a good partner or MAKE enough out of their relationship to ensure that a person won't cheat. And to be in that mindset is UNHEALTHY.

 

I also said that most people who cheat did not believe that they would ever cheat.

 

Also, that your constant, intense and off-base analysis of your relationship is probably very stressful and damaging to your relationship.

 

I'm sure you have a capacity to love like anyone else. Really. I do NOT think that you have the tools to have a healthy relationship. You are figuring it out as you go along, which is what most of us do - but you tend to get in your own way a lot (with your unrealistic notions) and to do things that would have absolutely decimated any other relationship.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am learning that it is ALWAYS possible to cheat. Although I do not feel it is likely with my own relationship, it is always a possibility with anyone I suppose.

 

Leigh, I think that a lot of people are having difficulty because most of us were right here when you were pretty much boasting about how free you and Andrew were sexually.

 

And now you are all about monogamy.

 

I believe you. And I believe that couples can go through "seasons" of trying different things.

 

But, you were never really "free" sexually. You were desperately trying to be in FULL CONTROL of Andrew's extracurricular sexual activities. That isn't freedom.

 

And now you are done with that, which is probably for the best for you.

 

But you need to GET BOUNDARIES, and this is YOUR issue and it doesn't have anything to do you your great love with Andrew, or how he's 100% into you (or not) or anything. Just YOU and your boundaries, which currently don't exist.

 

I do NOT think that a real long term relationship can be sustained without healthy boundaries in place, unless one (or both) of the people is basically unconscious. That is why I have asked you more than once if your boyfriend spends a lot of his time drunk.

[Leigh 87]

I think a lot about if I should just be single and if Andrew really does love me as much as he acts like he does and I believe him to, that he will not be able to get over me fully, and want to be with me when I am ready for a relationship.

 

It just feels abominamble to end a relationship with a guy who you have spent every day with and love a great deal.. And ignore each other and go no contact.

 

It would feel unnatural for us both to simply ignore one another and go about our day, when we love each other so much.

 

Although the way people carry on about monogomy and our past here, a lot of people would prob assume Andrew would not care less about me and not be that phased about life without me

[Leigh 87]

I am no longer going to talk about my relationship and want to get the important stuff - I will prob break up with him anyway, in spite of our great love (or we believe to be great love)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am just perplexed that two people can have everything in place: a wonderful relationship where they are wayyyy to .... into each other and in love, to even think about being intimate with others (beyond normal fantasies).

 

We have all see the greatest of love played out in front of us, as well as in movies. I just cannot see how a person like that could cheat.

[Leigh 87]

The greatest of love stories huh? Did Romeo and Juliet, The Notebook, or the Titanic have prostitutes involved?

 

 

 

what is your point?! Because he did it, that he does not love me?

[Leigh 87]

The greatest of love stories huh? Did Romeo and Juliet, The Notebook, or the Titanic have prostitutes involved?

'

 

 

It's funny how he spends ever day with me and " thinks" that I am the love of his life.

 

 

....Do you get kicks out of telling strangers that the are delluded and must not love their partners?!

 

He would probably punch you in the head in real life, if you told him to his face " look mate, u slept with hookers, therefore you do not love your partner"

 

I have actually broken up with him, because I know I need to be single.

 

I can guarantee he wont get over me lol and will be completely miserable for a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG time.......

[JamesM]

'

 

 

It's funny how he spends ever day with me and " thinks" that I am the love of his life.

 

 

I have actually broken up with him, because I know I need to be single.

 

I can guarantee he wont get over me lol and will be completely miserable for a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG time.......

 

Okay, I am confused...are you two together or apart?

 

And ignore those who "armchair quarterback" your relationship. While I don't think I could see prostitutes and have my wife keep her love for me if I accepted such a proposal, the two of you are different. Time will tell if you belong to each other.

 

Pardon me for bringing up your relationship, but I am confused.

[Bridgey]

I am not worried about Andrew cheating. I honestly do not feel, in my gut, that he is the type. I always get gut feelings on things and I do not have one with him.

 

And I still find it hard to believe that if a person is truly in love, as in, a guy r girl who IS genuinely crazy about their partner.

I just do not see how such couple could cheat.

 

I could never do it.

 

The only way would be is if I got on the drugs and/or got drunk without Andrew, and I was out of control and some guy took advantage of me! Ew.

..................Really, when I love a guy, I give a LOT of myself and my love to them; Andrew is what I look forward to getting into bed with at the end of a long days work.

I could really NEVER envision myself cheating! I have integrity. And I really could not do that to someone I loved dearly.

I would absolutely break up with them first! If I had urges that were strong enough (than the usual passing ones that I have not had personally, but I am sure every long term partnership faces)

 

I personally do not think I have it in me to cheat, it is something I think is SUCH a sh*tty thing to do, to the point where I would NEVER put myself in the position to cheat.

 

This is exactly what I thought about myself, until I had an emotional affair and basically cheated on my ex of three years. We had what everyone thought was the perfect relationship. No one -ever- would have seen our break up, and especially my unfaithfulness, coming from a mile away. But it happened. I truly did love him, but someone better came along and made me realize I wasn't nearly as happy as I could be. I was very young at the time (18), but thats still no excuse for what I did to my ex.

 

It made me realize what someone here has already mentioned, never say never. Cheating is a real possibility in all relationships, you just have to find someone who doesn't constantly send off alarms in your head.

 

And also, you really need to stop attacking everyone who gives you their opinion on your relationship. Thats what you're asking for when you post to this site. Some people are going to tell you your relationship is destined to fail, thats their opinion. You don't have to agree, but don't freak out on everyone who disagrees with you when you post to a site -asking- for opinions and advice.

[Leigh 87]

ALEX - he would not let me leave him, as he can see us spending the rest of our lives together and does not think it would be possible for us to be apart.

He wants me to get through my issues while I am with him; he would rather be see him less then leave him altogether.

 

It is too painful for us to go about our lives separately, so it seams.

 

And my intinct tells me he would not cheat, and that the hooker arrangement was not because he did not love me much.

I told a perpetually single, selfish, and immature person in (in the context a relationship), to " please get it out of your system before we settle down").

He 100% could not do it with a normal girl, but for some reason he could with a hooker.

I am not think under any circumstance that if another girl had told him the same thing, that he would have said " no sorry I am too in love to physically be able to sleep with a hooker"

 

I have never been wrong with my gut intinct. I think I am a huge love to Andrew, and his actions are not indicative that he does not love me that much.

[Leigh 87]

This is exactly what I thought about myself, until I had an emotional affair and basically cheated on my ex of three years. We had what everyone thought was the perfect relationship. No one -ever- would have seen our break up, and especially my unfaithfulness, coming from a mile away. But it happened. I truly did love him, but someone better came along and made me realize I wasn't nearly as happy as I could be. I was very young at the time (18), but thats still no excuse for what I did to my ex.

 

It made me realize what someone here has already mentioned, never say never. Cheating is a real possibility in all relationships, you just have to find someone who doesn't constantly send off alarms in your head.

 

And also, you really need to stop attacking everyone who gives you their opinion on your relationship. Thats what you're asking for when you post to this site. Some people are going to tell you your relationship is destined to fail, thats their opinion. You don't have to agree, but don't freak out on everyone who disagrees with you when you post to a site -asking- for opinions and advice.

 

 

 

People have no right to tell me what another person thinks; Andrew, my boyfriend, know's how he feels better than some strangers over the net.

People wrongly think that the hooker arangement we had, is the same as him cheating in any way shape or form; but in HIS head, he was really not ABLE to even KISS a normal girl.

He could not go through ther process of kissing and touching and forplay with any girl, but could have sex with a hooker. That is that. I am not sure why people think they know how he feels better than he does.

 

I would not be able to handle it if:

 

-he did it because I was not enough for him (I do not think he loves me less than he could do other girls and would have behaved differently with another girl)

It was something he " enjoyed" and not something he " needed"

- if he had the desire and capacity to kiss and touch and perform selfless sexual acts on other girls, I would have not been able to stay with him.

 

 

 

 

 

...................... And yes, there is a chance someone better will come along. For both of us.

Let me ask you: at first, how close were you guys? Were you incredibly close, both hug in your sleep, and not be able to handle the thought of a future without the other?

[Mme. Chaucer]

both hug in your sleep,

 

Reality check: hugging in your sleep is not the "gold standard" of a healthy loving relationship.

 

It's nice for you two that you're both cuddly.

[Leigh 87]

Reality check: hugging in your sleep is not the "gold standard" of a healthy loving relationship.

 

It's nice for you two that you're both cuddly.

 

 

Of course not- but for me, affection is essential I have come to realise. Not that it is to replace and compensate for a relationship that is somehow lacking in other areas.

I just know with me and Andrew, something as simply as hugging means a lot.

Cheating can obviously occur when people : hug" a lot, I just fail to see myself being able to cheat when I am so physically and emotionally close to a guy.

[Bridgey]

Let me ask you: at first, how close were you guys? Were you incredibly close, both hug in your sleep, and not be able to handle the thought of a future without the other?

 

Yes, we were incredibly close. We basically had our lives planned out together. The thought of breaking up was unthinkable until I met the new guy

[Silly_Girl]

Of COURSE I am defensive! It is INSULTING when people imply I am with a guy who is not 100% in love with me, and who frankly does not really like me that much at all.

I am very proud to be a women who NEVER settles for men unless they are 100% into me. I LIKED being single and have no desire to be in a relationship unless it is the real deal.

I would rather he single unless the guy is adoring and crazy about me!

I go for true love, the deepest kind, or FWB. There is no grey with relatioship for me, it is either crazy in love or not the type of relationship I care to be part of.

 

I find it incredibly ignorant and stupid of people to be having a go at the guy who lives with me and considers me the love of his life - our real life situation is far from a guy who is settling for some girl and is looking elswhere or is not really happy in the relationship.

 

All I said (twice now) was (paraphrasing) 'yes, it's cheating'. And you're angry, you're suggesting I've said your boyfriend doesn't love you, etc etc.

 

If you're happy, and reassured that he loves you, that's all that matters.

 

My point is that I don't think you *are* reassured, hence the numerous threads and the gazillion posts by you saying 'ANDREW DOES LOVE ME'. If someone else was doing it, it would stand out to you as well.

 

Leigh, have you been cheated on by partners prior to Andrew?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Leigh we can argue till you are blue in the face. Are you going to deny that the Sun exists ? Andrew cheated period. By permission or not. His penis went in a prostitutes vagina, or 2 or 3 I dont know your story changes from thread to thread.

 

You know I love you, man, but I have to differ with you here. "Cheating" implies dishonesty. I think that people who have sex outside of their primary relationship with the full knowledge of their so are not "cheating." They are also not monogamous.

 

Prostitutes are people to you know you refer to them as "not normal people".

 

Yes, I am getting a little troubled by the constant references to "normal girls" vs "prostitutes."

 

Having sex with another person is having sex with another person. I think that the OP felt like she was in control of it because she paid, procured, dictated what could and could not be done sexually, and watched or participated. That kind of control can be bought, but unlikely to be found with a non-pro.

 

I do think that you, Leigh, did all of that in order to be "in charge" of Andrew's sex life outside of his with you (because you posted about 185,639 times during that period about how neither one of you liked the idea of only being with one person), rather than just having a more typical "open relationship" where he might have actually made out or had oral sex when you weren't monitoring.