cheating makes no sense.

[Leigh 87]

I cannot imagine why you would be with a person who you would want to cheat on.

 

Why not just be single, if you cannot find a partner that does it for you, sexually and as a life partner?

 

I think that cheating mostly happens when the love dies down between a couple; they were in love at first but let their relationship fail anyway, or they were never that into each other to begin with.

My partner and I think it is crazy to stay with a person, if you feel the need to cheat on them and cause them pain.

I realize it takes work to keep in love and interested in each other over the years. It makes sense that it is very easy to let the passion die.

 

To make things last and keep the spark alive, I feel that all you need is love, pluss the ability to: try new things, grow with each other and always move forward in life rather than only stick with what you doing, and to be passionate about life in general.

Growing apart and losing the passion in a relationship scares me.

 

If feel very close to my own partner, and cannot imagine not being on the same page in relation to life goals and general things that matter. If anything was slightly out of sinc, I would never feel comfortable just letting things change without talking about any major changes?

 

I do not think great love goes hand in hand with wanting to cheat, if the love is still there/ relevant/not dead.

[karnak]

Most people who cheat once thought the same as you.

[Leigh 87]

Can you speak from personal experience?

 

I just cannot fathom having room in my heart for two men.

 

And I do not have sex without loving a person.

[karnak]

Can you speak from personal experience?

 

I just cannot fathom having room in my heart for two men.

 

And I do not have sex without loving a person.

 

 

I knew some cheaters. All of them stated that cheating was wrong and that the only decent thing to do was to dump the person they were with and start a new relationship.

 

Guess what: when the "time" came, they prefered to keep the relationship they already had and start a new one.

 

As for me: I've never cheated on anyone, nor do I intend to, even though I had several opportunities when I had someone. But life has taught me a very important lesson: "never say NEVER".

[Leigh 87]

I find it funny that you can let Andrew have sex with a random stranger, it is still cheating anyway you look at it (prostitutes) regardless of your reasoning.

 

Without knowing Andrew, why are you a good authority as to IF he loves me?

 

I would absolutely not have handled it if he felt the need to please other girls, kiss them, and if he had any inclination to please them. If he had any desire to kiss or make another women feel good, I would not have handled it at all.

 

Using hookers as a human sex toy when he was accustomed to it, and a 24 year old play boy not ready to settle down has nothing to do with a guy who longs for other women, and who enjoys pleasing them.

 

I know him, and I do not think under any circumctances that he would ever have been able to have sex with a regular girl. Regular sex includes forplay and the ability to care and crave to please another women. He just used the poor girls as a human sex toy. As he did A LOT and was accustomed to before he met me..

 

I am not a silly girl. I do not date men who do not totally adore me... I would MUCH rather be single if I feel they even remotely need other women.

Andrew's actions has nothing to do with this. I do not believe he did it because I was not enough for him; I do not believe he would have been " different" with a girl, if only he had " loved her enough" (meaning he did it to me because he did not really love me). I believed he loved me just fine.

 

My view is that a man is capable of having meaningless sex when he is totally in love with another girl. It is just what I believe. I never said all men are capable.

 

.... I am an excellent judge of character. I would know if I was wich a guy who was not 100% into me, and " needed" intimacy with other women.......

Andrew has had his chance to be with other women during his many trips away from me, and he hasn't (according to his closest friends, and his phone and facebook recoreds).

[Leigh 87]

People must leave MY OWN relationship out of this thread.

 

My past with Andrew has NO bearing on his ability to go and cheat on me now. I know what "gut insinct" feels like. It has never let me down. I am not remotely concerned about him ever cheating.

I believe I am with a man who wants to be with me for life and has no urge to be with other women, regardless of our past.

 

We were both extremely emotionally immature when we met, and he had a strong history of hookers, and we were both able to detatch sex from actually wanting to please a girl. He is, disgustingly enough, able to have sex with a girl he has no urge to please... she is just a vagina to him for his pleasure.

 

 

Albiet he much prefers meaningful sex with girls he is into, he has come to realise. GIve him a break. As if your perfect:rolleyes:

 

Cheating is not black and white, and some men are capable of cheap and dirty sex with girls they do not give a F8ck about, while they are with the love of their lives.

People are stupid; they think if a guy is 100% " in love", that they will automatically never be able to have any type of sex again... that sticking a d*ck in some wh0res vagina is not something a guy in love is "able" to do.

 

Grow up, and learn that all men are different, based on their pasts.

 

Leave my boyfriend alone, no one know;'s him or how is truly feels.

 

Please DO NOT participate in this thread if you going to falsely puport to know what my partner thinks.

He is the one who knows what he thinks; he thinks your all idiots fior claiming to know how he feels, so you should keep your opinions to things you know to be true.

[Leigh 87]

Now, I ask ANY ONE who has anything to say about this topic that I created to please only comment on their own experiences, rather than commenting on my own partner, who they know nothing about.

 

 

Stay on topic please. Talk of your own experiences. Not about what you think my partner thinks.

 

I do not include my partner among the men who are not 100% in love or happy with their partners, and have the desire to please other women and who think about doing it at all.

[Leigh 87]

I am violating ANY ONE who makes a single comment about My partner Andrew again. Their comments with be deleted, to keep on topic, and because his love for me is not something I want to be talked about in AN thread again. it is personal and no ones business or place to comment on. We both woth sick of it.

[underwater2010]

I will start by telling you that me and my FWH have been married 13 yrs and have had the conversation about leaving the marriage/relationship prior to cheating as a sign of respect. That being said he did cheat EA online with a MOW. We are still together and he did it because he was lonely due to working conditions for both of us. Now on to your post.

 

Without knowing Andrew, why are you a good authority as to IF he loves me?

 

I have to say that cheating does not mean that you SO is not in love with you. Most of the time they are still in love with spouse, just looking for something more.

 

I would absolutely not have handled it if he felt the need to please other girls, kiss them, and if he had any inclination to please them. If he had any desire to kiss or make another women feel good, I would not have handled it at all.

 

He was cheating and it was just about sex. Not all affairs are about the WS making the AP feel good. An affair comes from a selfish place.

 

Using hookers as a human sex toy when he was accustomed to it, and a 24 year old play boy not ready to settle down has nothing to do with a guy who longs for other women, and who enjoys pleasing them.

 

Very true. But does that make it okay for you to have another sex partner. Why not just masturbate like most people do when they are not being fullfilled.

 

I know him, and I do not think under any circumctances that he would ever have been able to have sex with a regular girl. Regular sex includes forplay and the ability to care and crave to please another women.

 

Sex with a regular does not always involve foreplay. Nor does it taking emotional investment by either party.

 

He just used the poor girls as a human sex toy. As he did A LOT and was accustomed to before he met me..

 

And alot of married men use their AP as a human sex toy.

 

I am not a silly girl. I do not date men who do not totally adore me... I would MUCH rather be single if I feel they even remotely need other women.

Andrew's actions has nothing to do with this. I do not believe he did it because I was not enough for him; I do not believe he would have been " different" with a girl, if only he had " loved her enough" (meaning he did it to me because he did not really love me). I believed he loved me just fine.

 

As did my husband. Yet he stilled CHEATED, just as your SO did.

 

My view is that a man is capable of having meaningless sex when he is totally in love with another girl. It is just what I believe. I never said all men are capable.

 

.... I am an excellent judge of character. I would know if I was wich a guy who was not 100% into me, and " needed" intimacy with other women.......

Andrew has had his chance to be with other women during his many trips away from me, and he hasn't (according to his closest friends, and his phone and facebook recoreds).

 

Just to clarify a hooker is in fact a woman and he has had intimacy with them. I am gathering that he is no longer involved with these actions, right? Nobody is saying that you have made a wrong decision in staying with you SO. We are just pointing out that he did in fact cheat, just with a hooker instead of regular ongoing AP.

 

You are right, cheating never makes sense. It can destroy many relationships. Would I have prefered he left? Abosolutely. Did I give him the choice once I found out? Yep, I handed him the ring and said stay or go the choice is yours. Do I regret letting him stay? No, I love him and we have 3 children together. Would I let him get away with it again? HELL NO. I don't care if it was a relationship with hooker or not. Cheating is cheating and there are no second chances.

[underwater2010]

I am violating ANY ONE who makes a single comment about My partner Andrew again. Their comments with be deleted, to keep on topic, and because his love for me is not something I want to be talked about in AN thread again. it is personal and no ones business or place to comment on. We both woth sick of it.

Sorry but you posted this while I was in the middle of drafting my post. I did not see it until afterwards. I still stand by my post though.

[Leigh 87]

He did not cheat. I went and paid for hookers for him, becase I thought he was a young and selfish guy who was not ready to give up sex with other women for his entire life.

 

We met at ages 24. I do not think he was ready to have one sexual partner who his entife life just yet. It was not who he was, he was not done yet.

 

He would have been happy not to have had the hookers. It was my suggestion albiet I know he enjoyed it.

I knew he did not " need it". It was more something he was able to do and enjoy, but would have been happy not to have had at the same time.

 

I would never let a man have sex with another women if I thought it was because I was not " enough" for him.

 

And if Andrew ever has sex with anyone else ever again during our time together, he know's where the door is.....

[Leigh 87]

Sorry but you posted this while I was in the middle of drafting my post. I did not see it until afterwards. I still stand by my post though.

 

 

No thanks for you opinion.

 

I just do not need anyone to come on here and tell me my partner does not love me and is staying with me until a girl he does love comes along.

I have had enough of that and so has Andrew, and we both ask people to please respect our desire for people to shut the heck up about our love lives.

 

And as for your experience, thanks a lot for sharing. Your strong for staying with him. I honestly had no issue with him sleeping with a hooker. It did not phase me at all.

I only cared after people, including m own mother, told me he had his fun, and should be totally monogomus. I did not even care about his escapades with hookers.

I knew I was enough for him (that was not why I let him f*ck hookers) so I did not want to undermine our relationship by letting him contunue to do it. He stopped on his own accord anyway.

I would not have been able to forgive him if he had engaged in: kissing, any sort of forplay, if he had any desire to please another women and longed to please any women.

 

I am not sure how I would have handled an EA. Did your husband do anything physical?

It is strange, my situation, and people on here often have told me Andrew does not truly love me because of his actions (which I allowed and encouraged).

Hence why I do NOT want to allow anyone to comment on my partmer wh I love very much and who I believe loves me incredibly much.

Bizarrely, I WAS able to handle hookers, where as I would not have handled anything but them.

I do not believe Andrew would be able to be with a regular girl. At all. I think he loves me far too much to be able to touch or please them, or do anything besides meaningless sex with a random vagina.

[underwater2010]

Thank you for the clarification. I too thought, at that age, that I would rather him pay then have random sex with a woman. Having gone through what we have now, I would never want to share him. Good luck with your love. I hope it works out better for you than it has for me.

[Leigh 87]

Thank you for the clarification. I too thought, at that age, that I would rather him pay then have random sex with a woman. Having gone through what we have now, I would never want to share him. Good luck with your love. I hope it works out better for you than it has for me.

 

 

Thanks. It appears you did not beg your husband to be with you, it sounds like he chose you above any women he had ever met or known of.

 

Andrew and I want to spend our lives together and do not care for other sexual partners. I wanted him to properly farewell his life as a single man before me. I just felt it was the right thing for him to do.

 

We have made a vow to end our relationship should we get any urges to cheat or be with other people., beyond fantasising about hot models or actresses for masturbation purposes; actual people we know of are of flimits if we have the hots for them and have real desires to be with them in real life.

[underwater2010]

No thanks for you opinion.

 

I just do not need anyone to come on here and tell me my partner does not love me and is staying with me until a girl he does love comes along.

I have had enough of that and so has Andrew, and we both ask people to please respect our desire for people to shut the heck up about our love lives.

 

I did not realize that the relationship was a taboo subject. I am glad for the clarification. Just remember that nobody but you the two of you can dictate your love life. I am a firm believer that as long as both parties consent, anything is fair game.

 

And as for your experience, thanks a lot for sharing. Your strong for staying with him.

 

It has been hard. I didn't even realize how deeply I love him. I always thought I would be able to walk away without a second glance. Guess not. I think that it helped that the relationship was over for almost a year before I found out. I cannot say what my reaction would have been if it going on when I found out.

 

I honestly had no issue with him sleeping with a hooker. It did not phase me at all.

I only cared after people, including m own mother, told me he had his fun, and should be totally monogomus. I did not even care about his escapades with hookers.

I knew I was enough for him (that was not why I let him f*ck hookers) so I did not want to undermine our relationship by letting him contunue to do it. He stopped on his own accord anyway.

I would not have been able to forgive him if he had engaged in: kissing, any sort of forplay, if he had any desire to please another women and longed to please any women.

 

Again that was between the two of you. I am glad he did stop though. It shows a deeper respect for you.

 

I am not sure how I would have handled an EA. Did your husband do anything physical?

 

They did kiss. I suspected a BJ, but cannot prove it. The other BS and I went through everything together and think that it never went as far as intercourse. Thank god, as she has an STD and I have been clean my whole life. I might have beat him to death if I came down with something. I have decided that this one time affair is his get out of jail card. Not that he is not suffering for it. I could not handle the emotions of another affair.

[Leigh 87]

Another thought....

 

If a couple is very happy together, are sexually into eat other, and when their lives are based around each other....

 

Firstly: when would a man find time to cheat?! If he just woke up, went to work, and then went home to his partner. As my partner does with me. He calls me if he is late and informs me of the goings on of his life on a daily basis.

 

I feel I am with a man who wants to badly see me as much as possible, as if his own happiness depends on how often he sees me. It feels aborant to be so into a girl, only to cheat (if he is sexually into his partner)

 

And secondly: in the deepest of love, when the man/women has such a strong desire to just make their lives about their partners.. WHY would they need sex on the side, if they were sexually into their parters at home, who they want to genuinely be with?

 

Are some men really capable of being utterly in love and yet cheating? Or surely wouldnt they eventually find their soul mate (most GAY word, soulmate:sick:) where they would not cheat and suddenly be " complete" with?

[Leigh 87]

underwater - My threads are all about other peoples experiences, in which I may share or talk about my own partner.

 

It is not an open shooting ground though, for strangers over the internet to tell me that my partner does not love me, and will leave me when he does find a girl he is " into".

 

Andrew and my feelinsgs are real, and we ask others to respect how we feel, and to not comment on it. As many rude and ignorant people have done many times on here:sick:

 

I understand how people find it ironic how I have a strong stance against cheating, but I never felt I was not enough for my partner, based on our agreement and actions that were carried out.

 

Luckily, I have never felt I was not enough for him and feel incredibly loved and desired sexually.

[underwater2010]

Another thought....

 

If a couple is very happy together, are sexually into eat other, and when their lives are based around each other....

 

Firstly: when would a man find time to cheat?! If he just woke up, went to work, and then went home to his partner. As my partner does with me. He calls me if he is late and informs me of the goings on of his life on a daily basis.

 

In our case, he worked days while I was working 10 pm - 7 am. Sadly we saw each other in passing (kisses, hugs and ILYs) with sex on the days I did not work. He was simply lonely. The sexting and chats were while I was at work and the kids were sleepy. Both ours and theirs.

 

I feel I am with a man who wants to badly see me as much as possible, as if his own happiness depends on how often he sees me. It feels aborant to be so into a girl, only to cheat (if he is sexually into his partner)

 

And secondly: in the deepest of love, when the man/women has such a strong desire to just make their lives about their partners.. WHY would they need sex on the side, if they were sexually into their parters at home, who they want to genuinely be with?

 

Again he was lonely. I just wish he would have told me to quit my job. I would move heaven and earth for him.

 

Are some men really capable of being utterly in love and yet cheating? Or surely wouldnt they eventually find their soul mate (most GAY word, soulmate:sick:) where they would not cheat and suddenly be " complete" with?

 

Yes. He loves me with all his heart. I wish you would have seen his face when I broke down. I am lucky in that there were no ILYs between him and his AP. Just sexting and her planning to met up with him. He just couldn't follow through on the meet ups (Thank God).

[Leigh 87]

wow, I am so sorry for what you went through.

 

If they had gotten physical, would you have forgiven him?

 

I could forgive an EA if it was not too full on and he showed me all of their conversations. Maybe. Perhaps not though.

[JamesM]

I cannot imagine why you would be with a person who you would want to cheat on.

 

No one can until they do it. Usually an affair begins not because the WS no longer loves his or her partner but because something is missing. And to leave may be very difficult when there are children involved. And open split and divorce breaks up the family. An affair ca be hidden and many are.

 

Why not just be single, if you cannot find a partner that does it for you, sexually and as a life partner?

 

If there are children involved, then splitting up the family seems a worse way to go. And if sex is missing that does not mean love is missing.

 

I think that cheating mostly happens when the love dies down between a couple; they were in love at first but let their relationship fail anyway, or they were never that into each other to begin with.

 

I disagree. After 22 years of marriage and reading many stories here, it is not that simple. It may be that the commitment has weakened and life has caused difficulties in the marriage, but that does not mean the love has died. It may mean that there is alot of resentment and anger at the partner, but this actually is an indicator that the love is still there.

 

My partner and I think it is crazy to stay with a person, if you feel the need to cheat on them and cause them pain.

 

If I may make one comment, then it is this...there comes a time in many, many marriages of an urge to cheat. This does not mean you want to hurt your partner. I can guarantee that most every married person feels the "need" to cheat. Most never act upon it.

 

Love is not a feeling. It is a commitment.

 

 

I realize it takes work to keep in love and interested in each other over the years. It makes sense that it is very easy to let the passion die.

 

I can say that for most every person, the passion will lessen and may even die or come close to it. But that is when the commitment "kicks in" and the hard work begins to keep the marriage going. If we think that passion will stay strong, then we will not be prepared for the tough times that will almost certainly come.

 

To make things last and keep the spark alive, I feel that all you need is love, pluss the ability to: try new things, grow with each other and always move forward in life rather than only stick with what you doing, and to be passionate about life in general.

 

Yes, but life will happen. Illnesses occur. Financial problems arise. Children take up your time. And on and on. The spark may appear to disappear, but commitment will keep a breath of air blowing across its flicker to keep it alive.

 

Growing apart and losing the passion in a relationship scares me.

 

Don't be scared. Be prepared. Know that it can happen, and plan for how to bring it back. And if it dies, never assume that it cannot be revived.

 

If feel very close to my own partner, and cannot imagine not being on the same page in relation to life goals and general things that matter. If anything was slightly out of sinc, I would never feel comfortable just letting things change without talking about any major changes?

 

Sometime in the future you may feel that way, and then it is important to remember what you said. Then it will be necessary to communicate your feelings that won't be positive to him. And with that communication, you can keep the marriage alive. It is okay if your goals are different and your ideas differ, but if these tear you apart, then your marriage will be difiicult.

 

I do not think great love goes hand in hand with wanting to cheat, if the love is still there/ relevant/not dead.

 

I disagree from personal experience and from reading stories here. The desire to cheat is far from the actual action of cheating. Wanting to cheat may simply be anger and frustration. Actually doing it requires an opportunity and much more.

 

Do not fear the future. Do not assume the desire to cheat will not "hit" you. Do not assume that your partner will never lose some passion for you. Do not assume your partner will never have a desire to cheat. Simply work to keep the commitment strong between the two of you.

[Leigh 87]

On second thought, I would not forgive an EA or any type of cheating.

 

I would leave, but if after a a year or two, we both could not get over one another or get with new people and 100% considered each other to be the love of each others lives...

 

I would be open to reconcilliation, if we both felt it was really meant to be.

[Leigh 87]

JamesM - Thanks for your feedback.

 

I hear everything you say and I will take it into account. after all, after 22 years of marriage, I am sure your advice has something to offer me.

 

I know I will be fine whatever the outcome is of my current relationship. I can say that we both feek 100% committed to working through any issues.

 

We both stressed that we will try our best to handle what life throws at us, to make us work. It may or may not be good enough, for the events that may or may not happen.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I cannot imagine why you would be with a person who you would want to cheat on.

 

Why not just be single, if you cannot find a partner that does it for you, sexually and as a life partner?

 

 

This is completely wrong headed thinking. It's unhealthy to think that way.

 

Cheaters don't cheat because they "are with a person they would want to cheat on," or because they "cannot find a partner that does it for" them.

 

They cheat because of something inherent within THEMSELVES.

 

The "right partner" is not going to make a dishonest person honest.

 

To make things last and keep the spark alive, I feel that all you need is love, pluss the ability to: try new things, grow with each other and always move forward in life rather than only stick with what you doing, and to be passionate about life in general.

Growing apart and losing the passion in a relationship scares me.

 

If feel very close to my own partner, and cannot imagine not being on the same page in relation to life goals and general things that matter. If anything was slightly out of sinc, I would never feel comfortable just letting things change without talking about any major changes?

 

 

Regarding the bolded: I am amazed that your relationship (I understand that you have deemed it to be taboo, but you've brought it up yourself right there) has been able to survive the intense and exhausting scrutiny and control efforts you subject it to … yes, we should talk about things that need discussing, but a HUGE part of any healthy and long term relationship has a LOT to do with giving space, letting things settle, and keeping ones mouth shut.

 

You know, your "partner" and you both are supposed to be complete, whole and fully functioning adult human beings regardless of what the other is doing.

 

It is true that a relationship needs to be attended to consciously, and taking people and relationships for granted paves the way for problems including the potential for cheating.

 

But you CANNOT survive emotionally in a relationship if you are thinking that if you do things "right" you will keep your partner from cheating on you.

 

If he / she is weak that way, you won't be able to control it by micromanaging everything from your side.

 

All you can do is to do your best and choose wisely.

 

I will agree with the other poster who said that many cheaters thought just the way you are.

 

Most of us who marry believe wholeheartedly that cheating makes no sense and that we would never do it.

 

My husband despised and harshly judged people who cheated and their weakness. But he ended up cheating (on his ex wife).

[Leigh 87]

I am not worried about Andrew cheating. I honestly do not feel, in my gut, that he is the type. I always get gut feelings on things and I do not have one with him.

 

And I still find it hard to believe that if a person is truly in love, as in, a guy r girl who IS genuinely crazy about their partner.

I just do not see how such couple could cheat.

 

I could never do it.

 

The only way would be is if I got on the drugs and/or got drunk without Andrew, and I was out of control and some guy took advantage of me! Ew.

..................Really, when I love a guy, I give a LOT of myself and my love to them; Andrew is what I look forward to getting into bed with at the end of a long days work.

I could really NEVER envision myself cheating! I have integrity. And I really could not do that to someone I loved dearly.

I would absolutely break up with them first! If I had urges that were strong enough (than the usual passing ones that I have not had personally, but I am sure every long term partnership faces)

 

I personally do not think I have it in me to cheat, it is something I think is SUCH a sh*tty thing to do, to the point where I would NEVER put myself in the position to cheat.

[Silly_Girl]

I find it funny that you can let Andrew have sex with a random stranger, it is still cheating anyway you look at it (prostitutes) regardless of your reasoning.

 

Precisely why I would not respond...

 

Glass houses.