How long does it take to get over your affair partner?

[veryhappy]

He won't give a crap about your email. Now, when you'll get itchy fingers to send another one, stop yourself. This guy just used you for a temporary high.

 

How long ago did the A end? I'm still confused on the timeline.

 

You are not unattractive. It's the effect of being rejected, which is a given when getting involved with an unavailable guy.

 

It will get better. Wait for the anger to hit you soon that he used you and he's a ....fill in the blanks. Anger is amazing.

[Ladydrib]

Hey. I already sent it. It wasn't asking to be friends with him. It simply stated that i think he's a great guy but i wish him the best. I had good memories but it can't be real so its best to stop talking to each other. I told him about my plans to leave my relationship but wished him well in his.

 

It really hurt to send him this especially because i don't think he was as attached to me. I feel low, unattractive, and depressed. I thought i was depressed before. But now its finalized. Just counting down the days when my hurt is over... I do hate feeling like this. Especially since I used to be confident in myself before. I will never have an affair again. That is for certain...

 

His lack of connection to you is by no means a reflection of your worth. Get that in your head immediately and don't let it back out again!

 

You will get your confidence back. I promise. And it starts with how great it feels to be so in control that you let go of your feelings for him. You can't feel good about yourself again until you rid yourself of the poison of that situation. Once you start, all your confidence and control will come back to you.

[s1421]

He sounds like a total liar who actually seeks out affairs. I believe he told you what he knew you would connect with him if he said it. You don't have a lack of willpower. You are mixed up because he mixed you up. He was lieing to you and that's what lies do, they confuse you and make you doubt yourself. I don't believe for a second that he's "working on things" with his wife. He just plans to keep her, as is, forever, while he jumps around from new experience to new experience behind her back. "working on things" is a lame excuse.

He has been honest with me about everything else up to this point. He told me exactly the problems he's been having with his wife and also said before anything turned sexual that he was not going to leave his wife because of his kids. He told me honestly that an affair is not fulfilling because its not real. Which I agree with. I never told him that I wanted to be friends with him (although I wish he would). I asked him after we made love last what he thinks we should do after this and said that having an affair put things into perspective that an affair is not satisfying because its just a fantasy. (which again, i totally agree with). I do think he is trying to work things with his wife just because he's been honest with me about everything else prior to this.

 

He won't give a crap about your email. Now, when you'll get itchy fingers to send another one, stop yourself. This guy just used you for a temporary high.

 

How long ago did the A end? I'm still confused on the timeline.

 

You are not unattractive. It's the effect of being rejected, which is a given when getting involved with an unavailable guy.

 

It will get better. Wait for the anger to hit you soon that he used you and he's a ....fill in the blanks. Anger is amazing.

Well he did respond to it and wished me well too. Saying that he'll have good memories of us. And that he's really sorry that things isn't working with my fiancee and I. However, I complimented him and was a bit hurt he didn't compliment me back but maybe he could tell I was getting attached and didn't want to lead me on.

 

The affair literally ended last Friday. and it was a short one. But the EA was about a month prior.

 

I don't know if i want to feel anger. To mix up depression with anger at this point might not be good for me..

 

sigh. never ever again with an unavailable guy. Never thought I would even get this attached until he left.

 

You will get your confidence back. I promise. And it starts with how great it feels to be so in control that you let go of your feelings for him. You can't feel good about yourself again until you rid yourself of the poison of that situation. Once you start, all your confidence and control will come back to you.

Did you end an affair as well? How long did it take you to get over it? I'm counting down the days!

[frenchdoll]

I've started a relationship online with a married man while I was in a relationship as well. We got along extremely well at first, having many similar interests and feelings about things. And then it turned sexual. I spent a weekend with him and had a wonderful time: going out, wonderful sex, and talking endlessly.

We both had bad sex lives back at home and were looking to each other to fulfill that desire.

 

But, we both agreed to not break each other's relationships up. He has kids and I understand how its difficult.

 

But now, after parting, I feel so miserable and low. I cried after he finally left. He wants to stay married and I was in a position where I was contemplating leaving my boyfriend of many years. I thought the affair would give me a sexual boost but it didn't at all. I not only feel guilty for cheating. I also miss my affair partner so much that I cry thinking that we will never see each other again and not emailing him is driving me crazy.

 

I knew getting into this that we would not be together and I had absolutely no idea that I would miss him this much. I am truly not the type to have sex with no strings attached. How long did it take you guys to get over the loss of your affair partner?

 

The bad part also is that I want to break up with my boyfriend, but I know it will break his heart. He is kind of emotionally dependent on me and I know it will crush him if I try to break up with. I think it will hurt me a lot more trying to break up with him then him with me. We had our problems for sure and I don't think we're right for each other. I realize now I've just been unhappy with him. Also, I don't think I deserve to be with him after cheating on him. I'm so worried about what will happen to him if I leave. .

 

Hi s1421, I feel for you... I remember those emotional lows and missing my AP so much it hurt. Unfortunately these feelings will never get any better if you continue the A. Your MM has been clear that he doesn't want out of his marriage, you would do best to believe him. Be careful not to confuse the A feelings and your ambivalence towards ending your relationship with your boyfriend, keep them separate. You can't be responsible for what will happen to your BF if you end the relationship - he is an adult. Do you have someone you can talk to, like a counselor or therapist? I've found this to be very helpful when I had difficult live events to go through. Hang in there. FD xo

[veryhappy]

Did you end an affair as well? How long did it take you to get over it? I'm counting down the days!

 

Give yourself a month to feel better, and see where you are then.

 

It must be hurtful, but this guy might be a serial cheater. One month of smoke, one weekend of sex. Do not make him more than he is. Yeah, he'll think of your memories, along with the other ten OW. I'm sorry, but as much as this experience has been important to you, I doubt he cared or cares much. For that lifespan of the A, he's not interested in the person, he's into the challenge and the high of the conquest.

[s1421]

Hi s1421, I feel for you... I remember those emotional lows and missing my AP so much it hurt. Unfortunately these feelings will never get any better if you continue the A. Your MM has been clear that he doesn't want out of his marriage, you would do best to believe him. Be careful not to confuse the A feelings and your ambivalence towards ending your relationship with your boyfriend, keep them separate. You can't be responsible for what will happen to your BF if you end the relationship - he is an adult. Do you have someone you can talk to, like a counselor or therapist? I've found this to be very helpful when I had difficult live events to go through. Hang in there. FD xo

Thank you so much for your sentiments. Actually last night, my bf actually told me he had a dream about me cheating. For the first time in days, the predominant feeling of depression from feeling rejected is now replaced with guilt of cheating. I kind of do want to tell my bf because it is tearing me up inside.

 

I've talked to him about what his thoughts were about suicide. And he said that although he's had thoughts, he's not going to do it. So that is good at least.

 

Give yourself a month to feel better, and see where you are then.

 

It must be hurtful, but this guy might be a serial cheater. One month of smoke, one weekend of sex. Do not make him more than he is. Yeah, he'll think of your memories, along with the other ten OW. I'm sorry, but as much as this experience has been important to you, I doubt he cared or cares much. For that lifespan of the A, he's not interested in the person, he's into the challenge and the high of the conquest.

You know the funny thing is that I wanted the trip to be more about sex than him. I didn't want to talk to him as much as him and be romantic with him too much because I was afraid of being attached to him. I actually initiated the first time we had sex. But why did this guy have to try to be romantic and talk about our families, our childhoods, walk on the beach. It would have been easier for me to get over this if he didn't try to also be romantic... He was such a gentlemen and I don't think I would have been attracted to him if he wasn't but that is what is tripping me up now. That I'll miss that.

 

Now I'm at a place where I was so low last night after sending the email, that I cried to my fiancee, didn't tell him the reason other then some excuse I made up. And felt really connected to my bf... Its going to be harder for me to leave him on my part...

[s1421]

I am also starting to go into the anger mode. I don't really look back at my time with this other guy and think about the great conversations and sex we had. I'm now just thinking about how hurt and angry I am. Its not a better feeling that sadness I think...

[s1421]

It takes as long to get over an AP as it does to get over anyone you feel that same level of feeling for.

 

Someone that it was casual will be less than someone that was deeply invested.

 

Unfortunately there is no "magic formula" for how long it will hurt.

I hope you are doing ok.

 

Yes. I've been going through an emotional rollercoaster. Feeling a little better, but then back to depressed, guilty, sad, angry. I am in such a vulnerable state that it is hard for me to leave my current bf but knows it should probably need to be dealt with soon.

 

Like I've said, I'm counting down the days...

How long did it take you?

[HisGraceisSufficient]

Yes. I know. The instability of his emotional state is a red flag too. I'm just worried I'll never forgive myself for hurting him.

 

As for the other man, i actually believe I'm mourning the emotional part. I used to email him everyday. And for it to be cold turkey after the affair surprised and hurt me. I wish i can continue talking to him as a friend but he seems to think its not a good idea. I was half expecting this but i guess i feel rejected. I am composing my last farewell and good luck email to him. And it tears me up knowing that we will never talk again. Not to mention hurt and wondering if he doesn't see me in the light he may have previously. I didn't want to sound desperate to him so i know its best to just state it will probably be the last time we talk. I want to tell him how i missed him but that's probably not going to go well. Sigh

 

This is natural. Not only was it emotional but it was positive attention. You miss the excitement, the emails, the investment. Now, there is seemingly nothing and you may feel empty, depressed and lonely.

 

Grieve the loss. Forgive what you believe you need to forgive. These feelings will fade in time, trust me. As you stay busy and invest in good things, you will let go.

 

I was able to let go when I recommitted my life to God and invest in the opposite of selfishness and pride. Your ego was increased during this time and now it has turned on you (like it does with us all)..thus creating some of these negative thoughts. Your ego wants to feel special and wanted again. The ego makes it about US and thus we become self centered and depressed. Starve the ego and exchange it for humility.

 

I was rejected and my ego simply hated and obsessed over it. But, I was rejected due to context...it wasn't personal. And its probably not personal with you, either. but the ego makes it about us. Always about us. Even if we were not rejected, do we want to invest in a person whose already shown they are capable of deceit, disloyalty and the ultimate act of selfishness?

Edited September 28, 2012 by HisGraceisSufficient

[HisGraceisSufficient]

Give yourself a month to feel better, and see where you are then.

 

It must be hurtful, but this guy might be a serial cheater. One month of smoke, one weekend of sex. Do not make him more than he is. Yeah, he'll think of your memories, along with the other ten OW. I'm sorry, but as much as this experience has been important to you, I doubt he cared or cares much. For that lifespan of the A, he's not interested in the person, he's into the challenge and the high of the conquest.

 

I agree with this. Women, especially, get more attached and sex does not emotionally attach married men like it does with women.

 

More often than not, its what the man says and how we feel with him that makes us attached. The married man is already attached to his wife and most of the time, wants something extra on the side.

 

The married man I was involved with was a serial cheater and this is why it was so easy for him to break it off.

 

When the high and excitement dies down, most men (including what happened with me) want nothing more to do with the women who become emotionally attached.

 

Only the foolish learn from experience — the wise learn from the experience of others." Romanian Proverb

[s1421]

 

Read this book, maybe it will help you to stop being so confused. Too good to Leave, Too bad to Stay.

 

Yes. I think I will try to read this book. Thank you.

 

Also, surprisingly the exMM and I emailed back and forth about our feelings after the affair. It has been somewhat of a healing process since I'm getting it all out of me.

[HisGraceisSufficient]

Yes. I think I will try to read this book. Thank you.

 

Also, surprisingly the exMM and I emailed back and forth about our feelings after the affair. It has been somewhat of a healing process since I'm getting it all out of me.

 

Your situation is so strikingly similar to mine. I know that for me, he and I exchanged our feelings about the affair but after this exchange, I was still left with anger, depression and loneliness.

 

You can understand his feelings and all the whys. But, at least for me, it didn't take away the pain once it was actually and finally over.

 

We are both different and your healing process will be different. Forgive. Freedom is found in forgiveness.

[s1421]

I was able to let go when I recommitted my life to God and invest in the opposite of selfishness and pride. Your ego was increased during this time and now it has turned on you (like it does with us all)..thus creating some of these negative thoughts. Your ego wants to feel special and wanted again. The ego makes it about US and thus we become self centered and depressed. Starve the ego and exchange it for humility.

 

I was rejected and my ego simply hated and obsessed over it. But, I was rejected due to context...it wasn't personal. And its probably not personal with you, either. but the ego makes it about us. Always about us. Even if we were not rejected, do we want to invest in a person whose already shown they are capable of deceit, disloyalty and the ultimate act of selfishness?

Yes. I too was really far away from God. I was saved years ago but have really fallen off the path for years. Last night, I felt more compelled than ever to cling closer to God, saying sorry for everything I've done. I know God knows how to pull you back to him and this was the way to wake me up.

 

Yes I need to shelve my ego. It is a hard process but I'm trying. Please pray for me.

 

I agree with this. Women, especially, get more attached and sex does not emotionally attach married men like it does with women.

 

More often than not, its what the man says and how we feel with him that makes us attached.

Yes it is definitely what he said. I wanted it to be more about sex but when he tried to slow it down and make it more personal and romantic, that is what got me.

 

He has been emailing me back and forth about our feelings of remorse. It has been helping me get through this. As it is totally solidified that I look back on the time with bad memories and that he is sorry that he feels like he was a catalyst in me possibly breaking up in my relationship.

[HisGraceisSufficient]

Yes. I too was really far away from God. I was saved years ago but have really fallen off the path for years. Last night, I felt more compelled than ever to cling closer to God, saying sorry for everything I've done. I know God knows how to pull you back to him and this was the way to wake me up.

 

Yes I need to shelve my ego. It is a hard process but I'm trying. Please pray for me.

 

 

Yes it is definitely what he said. I wanted it to be more about sex but when he tried to slow it down and make it more personal and romantic, that is what got me.

 

He has been emailing me back and forth about our feelings of remorse. It has been helping me get through this. As it is totally solidified that I look back on the time with bad memories and that he is sorry that he feels like he was a catalyst in me possibly breaking up in my relationship.

 

I am praying for you right now!

 

Words will hook us women and I know it did for me. No doubt you would be less attached if he never spoke! For this reason, I have made it a point to avoid prolonged conversations with ALL men. A tall order but an extreme that is necessary for me.

 

Whatever he says or does not say, healing will depend on you. The man I knew said all the right things but, at least in my case, it didn't satisfy. From this day forward, you will have a choice to forgive and I recommend meditating on this...it has seen me through many rough days:

 

 

Isaiah 43:18-25

“Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland."

[Barrsitter]

Great question OP....how long does it take?

 

As long as it takes for you to open a door and then slam it in his face.

 

As long as it takes you to say....bye bye now.

 

As long as it takes you decide in your mind that you are done with accepting scraps from another woman's table.

 

As long as it takes for you to decide that you will not make a man your priority when he is making you an option.

[Barrsitter]

OP....

 

One day you will wake up and say to yourself "wtf was I thinking being involved with that guy"!

 

Pretty soon you won't even remember his name. Love it when that happens! Yup. Anger is amazing but indifference is nirvana.

[s1421]

Your situation is so strikingly similar to mine. I know that for me, he and I exchanged our feelings about the affair but after this exchange, I was still left with anger, depression and loneliness.

 

You can understand his feelings and all the whys. But, at least for me, it didn't take away the pain once it was actually and finally over.

 

We are both different and your healing process will be different. Forgive. Freedom is found in forgiveness.

Well I'm not sure what exactly is healing for me. It could be the fact that at least i think he feels somewhat bad about my situation at home. That or at least I'm not completely cut off from talking to him. We exchanged some emails but i'm trying to assume that he won't respond to my last one (which was kind of emotional). I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

) I'll say that the initial pain I felt from leaving him is down by almost 40-50%. Which is mostly due to the fact I'm ridden with guilt and worry about potentially breaking up with my bf. I'm really at a loss for words. I don't think i deserve him and he adores me. I'm having such a hard time trying to think of a way to break up...

 

I kept thinking about how hard its going to be for me to be without him.

I am praying for you right now!

 

Words will hook us women and I know it did for me. No doubt you would be less attached if he never spoke! For this reason, I have made it a point to avoid prolonged conversations with ALL men. A tall order but an extreme that is necessary for me.

 

Whatever he says or does not say, healing will depend on you. The man I knew said all the right things but, at least in my case, it didn't satisfy. From this day forward, you will have a choice to forgive and I recommend meditating on this...it has seen me through many rough days:

 

 

Isaiah 43:18-25

“Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland."

Thank you for the prayer and you trying to talk me through this. Yes i don't think I'll fully be satisfied with answers from this man...

OP....

 

One day you will wake up and say to yourself "wtf was I thinking being involved with that guy"!

 

Pretty soon you won't even remember his name. Love it when that happens! Yup. Anger is amazing but indifference is nirvana.

I really hope so! Right now, I'm still kind of remembering us talking and making love. This is also the bad part of having an affair because now it is so hard to get those images out if my head.

[s1421]

I think we may have sent our last emails to each other. I cried thinking this will be the last I'll hear from him. Reminds me of bridges of Madison county in the way that although i actually want a man like this other guy, it may just be better to be with the guy i have. We will see...

[HisGraceisSufficient]

Well I'm not sure what exactly is healing for me. It could be the fact that at least i think he feels somewhat bad about my situation at home. That or at least I'm not completely cut off from talking to him. We exchanged some emails but i'm trying to assume that he won't respond to my last one (which was kind of emotional). I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

) I'll say that the initial pain I felt from leaving him is down by almost 40-50%. Which is mostly due to the fact I'm ridden with guilt and worry about potentially breaking up with my bf. I'm really at a loss for words. I don't think i deserve him and he adores me. I'm having such a hard time trying to think of a way to break up...

 

I kept thinking about how hard its going to be for me to be without him.

 

Since you are a believer, I will say that God will be your source of healing and growth. I didn't believe this for years. I do now. My marriage was all but over in May. This man's family was about to get devastating news. I had to quit my job and return home to my mom. No words can express such pain, loss and destruction. But, God has raised me up and given me a new job, back my marriage and this man's family is still intact.

 

If you are serious about healing and growth, ask God for forgiveness, grieve your vices and cling to Him. He will bring you through and cultivate virtue and redeem you! Trade in your vices for virtues! Virtues like longsuffering, love, prudence, good judgement, self control, selflessness, patience...etc.

 

The day will arrive when all contact will cease. And, yes--it will be difficult. But difficult will fade with time. The faster no contact begins, the sooner healing arrives. The guilt and pain will continue until you are open and honest. Pray that God will give you the courage to do what is right. It's scary and painful to be honest but remember that you will gain some self respect back when you are brave:

 

“Self-control is the chief element in self-respect, and self-respect is the chief element in courage.”

― Thucydides

 

I don't know if your boyfriend is right for you. But, God does. Trust in this and surrender this situation to Him. If you do, God will turn what was meant for harm, to good. What was nothing, He will make something. What was old, He will make new.

 

 

I wrote this after God literally saved me from myself and I wanted to share:

 

"As pride my companion, I was on journey until I hit the wall of self. There was no where to go. But God broke through, in His mercy and love, and only then-in the brokenness of self, did I find my salvation."

 

If you would like to speak via email, I would like to help you through this process since I know how extremely hard it can be, especially when you are holding it back from others. My email is [email protected] Feel free to email me!

[HisGraceisSufficient]

I think we may have sent our last emails to each other. I cried thinking this will be the last I'll hear from him. Reminds me of bridges of Madison county in the way that although i actually want a man like this other guy, it may just be better to be with the guy i have. We will see...

 

It's sad (and hard!) to say goodbye when you know you will never say hello again. When you know nothing can stop it from happening and maybe you know its for the best?

 

Grieve. Cry. Write. Pray. Go for a walk. Keep talking to us. Know that this grief will not last forever. It will get easier. Better.

 

 

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”

― C.S. Lewis

 

Some of this grief may be fear: what if I don't feel as good as I did with this person? What if I don't find what I am looking for? What if I can never truly be happy like that?

 

In the end, it will be God that makes new, redeems and will give you the desires of your heart:

 

1 Peter 2:24

He personally carried away our sins in his own body on the cross so we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. You have been healed by his wounds!

[s1421]

Thank you so much. Its been helping a lot to post in this forum. I'm still upset about the thought of no contact. I won't hear his voice again, ask each other how we're doing, etc. Honestly, if I could just be friends with him and not even have sex with him, I would have preferred that... I've learned through this I am definitely not an emotionally strong person. Only God can give me that kind of strength. I'll admit that I am so far from God and had been for years. Our emails kind of ended on a good note. Saying good bye, good luck, and we will miss each other. That was a really hard one to say...

 

Now I have to see if staying with my boyfriend is the right thing to do. I guess I'll have to post in another thread!

[s1421]

Would you guys say you're at a place where you barely think of your ex affair partner. I keep on thinking of him. It hasn't let up at all. Before it was distraught. Now i really miss him.

[Trinichica]

sometimes something is just over, unfortunately. Frankly, I think people just go back to the spouse out of guilt, kids, money...all of the above. You must know inside yourself if something is 'over.'

 

I was in a very unhappy relationship for a while...then it turned into a marriage and got even worse. I never loved my partner in the way I felt you should love a partner. So, when things got bad, they were unbearable. I was willing to go to IC and MC at the start.

 

Then I hit one point where I said, time to get an exit strategy. Throughout that exit planning period, I met someone who was doing the whole trial separation thing. At the time, he was married 23yrs, and they were separated for 1.5yrs. I guess for us both it was an 'emotional affair.' It hurt real, real, real, bad when I ended it. I knew I was leaving my spouse, but was he EVER leaving his?

 

I found myself driving past our lunch spot to see if he's there and often saw him driving past there as well. Fast Forward, his marriage did end and we are slowly, slowly, getting together.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

I'm so glad this thread was bumped up today. I needed it. Thanks to everyone who chimed in. And OP, I hope you're doing a lot better today!