How long does it take to get over your affair partner?

[s1421]

I've started a relationship online with a married man while I was in a relationship as well. We got along extremely well at first, having many similar interests and feelings about things. And then it turned sexual. I spent a weekend with him and had a wonderful time: going out, wonderful sex, and talking endlessly.

We both had bad sex lives back at home and were looking to each other to fulfill that desire.

 

But, we both agreed to not break each other's relationships up. He has kids and I understand how its difficult.

 

But now, after parting, I feel so miserable and low. I cried after he finally left. He wants to stay married and I was in a position where I was contemplating leaving my boyfriend of many years. I thought the affair would give me a sexual boost but it didn't at all. I not only feel guilty for cheating. I also miss my affair partner so much that I cry thinking that we will never see each other again and not emailing him is driving me crazy.

 

I knew getting into this that we would not be together and I had absolutely no idea that I would miss him this much. I am truly not the type to have sex with no strings attached. How long did it take you guys to get over the loss of your affair partner?

 

The bad part also is that I want to break up with my boyfriend, but I know it will break his heart. He is kind of emotionally dependent on me and I know it will crush him if I try to break up with. I think it will hurt me a lot more trying to break up with him then him with me. We had our problems for sure and I don't think we're right for each other. I realize now I've just been unhappy with him. Also, I don't think I deserve to be with him after cheating on him. I'm so worried about what will happen to him if I leave. .

[whichwayisup]

You need to break up with your bf either way. It isn't working and the fact is, you're not in love with him anymore. Staying is hurting him just as much, he just isn't aware of it. You've also already hurt him by having sex with someone else.

 

He's a grown man. Sure he'll hurt but he'll work through it and get support from family, friends and possibly counselling.

 

As for your xMM - Grieve that loss. It was fantasy and you each built eachother up (you really didn't know him too well, only saw the 'good parts' of him and happy stuff) had sex and it was fun while it lasted but it did a lot of damage..To you.

 

Don't be afraid of feeling that pain and grieving. This has to happen so you can get on with your life, so you can heal.

 

Get counselling to help you cope if you cant' do it on your own.

[veryhappy]

Were your expectations of the affair matching? Have you discussed this? I think you were looking for a long term emotionally involved affair, and you got a relative short affair that ended abruptly? Is it long distance?

 

How old are you? Chances are your boyfriend will survive you dumping him.

[s1421]

Were your expectations of the affair matching? Have you discussed this? I think you were looking for a long term emotionally involved affair, and you got a relative short affair that ended abruptly? Is it long distance?

 

How old are you? Chances are your boyfriend will survive you dumping him.

 

Well I think at first both of us were looking for a sexual affair. However, I was kind of on the fence about having a sexual affair at first. I also just wanted someone to talk to. I wasn't expecting anything long term and this guy does live too far from me to see often.

 

I had absolutely no idea that I would start falling for him. We talked everyday through email prior and we got along so well in person. Afterwards, I think I realized that I really actually wanted a man like this guy but it broke my heart that I can't have him. Him and I went from conversing everyday to nothing and it is kind of driving me crazy. I don't want to feel like this.

 

I've been with my fiancee for almost 7 years. And I feel like it would crush him if I left. We've been through so much but it feels like a friendship mostly.

[veryhappy]

How likely is it that your fiance won't survive without you?

 

Why did your affair end? Did he end it? How long did it last?

[HisGraceisSufficient]

s1421,

 

You sound very much like me. I got very attached, surprisingly, to a married man and when it ended abruptly (he ended it), I was devastated. I was addicted to the attention and ego boost. To the excitement.

 

I missed him for months and months. And, I wondered when it would stop. Well, its been 6 months and after I have forgiven him and myself, I feel 99% free of my feelings toward the affair.

 

It is my opinion that a lot of affair partners are liked for the feelings illicited from the affair. I was SURE it was something else...that our common interests were the glue. No..it was selfishness and need for excitement;variety.

 

It is also my opinion that your 7 year relationship turned into a friendship due to both you and him allowing it to be that way. And, most likely, the next relationship (if you chose to end this one) will turn out the same way.

 

I have stayed with my husband. It would have been easier to leave. Most of our family and friends said it was for the best. But, it was both my husband and I's fallacy of inadequate intimacy and connectedness that soured the relationship. And, this type of relating would follow us to our next relationship.

 

But, you are dating and I am married. So, it is different. Although, the principle of changing ourselves and our relationships before bailing is essential to live by.

[s1421]

How likely is it that your fiance won't survive without you?

 

Why did your affair end? Did he end it? How long did it last?

 

Well we are like practically married. We live together and invested a lot into each other's lives. He adores me and I've brought up breaking up before and he would say how much he loves me. He is also the type who was really lonely before I came into his life. He always thinks people don't really care or love him. So if I leave, I know he's going to feel so unlovable and I really regret not breaking it off earlier. I guess I thought we should make it work since we've spent so much time on each other. Now he wants to get married and have kids and I don't believe I love him.

 

My emotional affair lasted maybe only a month, but we spent a weekend together, going out and making love. It wasn't long but I believe what hurt me was the realization that this guy is someone that I really would want in my life. But he is unattainable. We both agreed not to break up each other's relationships before anything got sexual. I thought I could just get over it and see it as a good memory. But now I miss him so much and I feel like he may not miss me as much. And it hurts a lot.

[s1421]

s1421,

 

You sound very much like me. I got very attached, surprisingly, to a married man and when it ended abruptly (he ended it), I was devastated. I was addicted to the attention and ego boost. To the excitement.

 

I missed him for months and months. And, I wondered when it would stop. Well, its been 6 months and after I have forgiven him and myself, I feel 99% free of my feelings toward the affair.

 

It is my opinion that a lot of affair partners are liked for the feelings illicited from the affair. I was SURE it was something else...that our common interests were the glue. No..it was selfishness and need for excitement;variety.

 

It is also my opinion that your 7 year relationship turned into a friendship due to both you and him allowing it to be that way. And, most likely, the next relationship (if you chose to end this one) will turn out the same way.

 

I have stayed with my husband. It would have been easier to leave. Most of our family and friends said it was for the best. But, it was both my husband and I's fallacy of inadequate intimacy and connectedness that soured the relationship. And, this type of relating would follow us to our next relationship.

 

But, you are dating and I am married. So, it is different. Although, the principle of changing ourselves and our relationships before bailing is essential to live by.

Thank you for sharing. I think my relationship with him has always kind of been a friendship. I think I realize I don't really love him. Our relationship has always been difficult. I've tried hard to boost our sex life, and work on his anger management issues and I guess I turned to another guy to escape it. I regret getting attached to this new guy.

 

6 months... How long did you have an affair with this guy? 6 months seems like an awfully long time to get over this.

 

I'm trying to stick it out for a while to see what will happen for now. So far, I'm just not feeling it. I'm not even feeling any connection during sex or when I look at him...

[HisGraceisSufficient]

Thank you for sharing. I think my relationship with him has always kind of been a friendship. I think I realize I don't really love him. Our relationship has always been difficult. I've tried hard to boost our sex life, and work on his anger management issues and I guess I turned to another guy to escape it. I regret getting attached to this new guy.

 

6 months... How long did you have an affair with this guy? 6 months seems like an awfully long time to get over this.

 

I'm trying to stick it out for a while to see what will happen for now. So far, I'm just not feeling it. I'm not even feeling any connection during sex or when I look at him...

 

Affair was for about 2 1/2 months. I got attached very quickly and easily. 6 months seemed like a long time back in March. But, it passes by nicely if one is busy and holding onto something good (letting go of the bad..aka affair).

 

I had little connection with my husband during sex, too. Especially when the affair was kept a secret. True intimacy will not be found in dishonesty and deceit. I thought the same thing about my husband...it was always a friendship and I didn't love him. But, through counseling and communication, we are realizing that we both contributed to a lack of intimacy in our marriage. We were stuck in a dysfunctional dynamic and it wasn't fully realized until the affair dust settled.

 

One usually doesn't stay in a 7 year relationship if it wasn't somewhat satisfactory. Most often, the problem lies within ourselves and our past wounds permeate our outlook and relating to others.

 

Questions: Do you have fulfilling female relationships? Hobbies? Would you say your boyfriend is passive and is neglectful? What is your relationship like with your father/mother?

[veryhappy]

I suggest you go to a couple counselor, because I see your relationship as doomed. The only worse thing you can do is marry and have kids with this guy.

 

So you're still having trouble after double the length of the time spent in the affair passed? That's not good at all, especially for such a short one. I think it speaks about how unhappy you are in your R. Become single and then you'll be able to find the right guy who'll tick the boxes exMM did. You need to realize thatknowing him for such a short time, means he's unlikely to be the one you want, so leave him alone. But you can find his traits in other people.

[HisGraceisSufficient]

Here is a question: What was it about your current boyfriend that you liked that kept you around for 7 years? And, here is something I've learned about marriage (if you decide on this in the future..current beau or another man): it isn't so much about being happy as being committed. When there is commitment, there is a way.

[veryhappy]

When there's commintment and unhappiness, there's a way to...misery.

[s1421]

Here is a question: What was it about your current boyfriend that you liked that kept you around for 7 years? ...........

it isn't so much about being happy as being committed. When there is commitment, there is a way.

Well, we have been through a lot together. I sacrificed a lot and moved to another state for him in the early stages of our relationship and he moved to be with me after college. He took care of me and I helped him get organized with his life. We are very comfortable with each other. But part of why we've stayed around is because we think its the right thing to do. He was my first relationship and first sexual one. He feels obligated to me because of that and I with him. I partially stayed around because I was worried of what would happen to his self esteem if I left. I still do care about him. And he is worried about me.

 

But when it comes to marriage and kids, we do disagree about too many things. And that is where I'm most worried about when it comes to the future. We do have completely different personalities and handle things differently. Having kids with him may be difficult. ANd he thinks he is too old to have kids soon even though he is only in his early thirties.

 

And that is a thought provoking statement about commitment. I know the guilt and the lack of commitment on my part is not fair to him. I'm not sure if I can get over the guilt myself. I realize I am just not happy having an affair.

 

 

So you're still having trouble after double the length of the time spent in the affair passed? That's not good at all, especially for such a short one. I think it speaks about how unhappy you are in your R. Become single and then you'll be able to find the right guy who'll tick the boxes exMM did. You need to realize thatknowing him for such a short time, means he's unlikely to be the one you want, so leave him alone. But you can find his traits in other people.

It hasn't been double the time yet but is that what is typically a rule of thumb on these things? I know it just shows me how unhappy I am. I feel like I'm not in the right place to date anyone now, honestly.

 

 

I had little connection with my husband during sex, too. Especially when the affair was kept a secret. True intimacy will not be found in dishonesty and deceit. I thought the same thing about my husband...it was always a friendship and I didn't love him. But, through counseling and communication, we are realizing that we both contributed to a lack of intimacy in our marriage. We were stuck in a dysfunctional dynamic and it wasn't fully realized until the affair dust settled.

 

One usually doesn't stay in a 7 year relationship if it wasn't somewhat satisfactory. Most often, the problem lies within ourselves and our past wounds permeate our outlook and relating to others.

 

Questions: Do you have fulfilling female relationships? Hobbies? Would you say your boyfriend is passive and is neglectful? What is your relationship like with your father/mother?

Yes I am understanding your feelings about true intimacy not being found with deceit. It is absolutely why I have no feelings about sex right now with him. Guilt, confusion. Strangely enough, since I came back from the affair, he has been more up for sex. But I haven't been feeling anything, probably due to guilt and feeling sad about the affair partner. I'm trying to stick through it for a while but my feelings haven't gone away yet.

 

I am trying really hard to keep busy. Going to the gym, working, investing in stocks (lol), anything to keep my mind off things. My boyfriend isn't passive or neglectful but yet he is hot or cold. He can be very sweet or pretty mean. He is never just chill. He is always stressed from work and doesn't take criticism very well. Thus, why its been kind of hard to work things out with him.

 

I have a great relationship with my mother but a nonexistent one with my father. Haven't seen him for a couple decades.

[HisGraceisSufficient]

In my opinion, you need to be open and honest about what has happened. I held out for 71 days and it was the worst time of my 28 years on Earth. I tremble just thinking back to those miserable hours, days, weeks and months.

 

Non existent relationship with your dad may be playing out here. I know it was a factor in my marriage and why I chose to have an affair (although, the real reason was simple selfishness).

 

It sounds like you need your man to be more stable and consistent. Have you tried counseling? Are you able to sit down with him and be open with how you are feeling?

[s1421]

In my opinion, you need to be open and honest about what has happened. I held out for 71 days and it was the worst time of my 28 years on Earth. I tremble just thinking back to those miserable hours, days, weeks and months.

 

Non existent relationship with your dad may be playing out here. I know it was a factor in my marriage and why I chose to have an affair (although, the real reason was simple selfishness).

 

It sounds like you need your man to be more stable and consistent. Have you tried counseling? Are you able to sit down with him and be open with how you are feeling?

Oh gosh. I know I've hurt him indirectly by cheating on him but the thought of him being crushed after telling him about the affair will make him feel so unloved. He has issues as well of not believing anyone truly loves him. Thus why its been so hard for me to break up with him. I didn't want him to lose hope....

 

Counseling. No, we haven't tried. I don't think he's the type to go to counseling and thinks its a waste of time. He thinks nothing is really wrong and it will all be remedied when we get married and have kids.. He has a hard time opening up to people.

[AnotherRound]

Oh gosh. I know I've hurt him indirectly by cheating on him but the thought of him being crushed after telling him about the affair will make him feel so unloved. He has issues as well of not believing anyone truly loves him. Thus why its been so hard for me to break up with him. I didn't want him to lose hope....

 

Counseling. No, we haven't tried. I don't think he's the type to go to counseling and thinks its a waste of time. He thinks nothing is really wrong and it will all be remedied when we get married and have kids.. He has a hard time opening up to people.

 

It sounds to me like you are staying with your bf/fiance out of obligation - or a feeling of it's your "job" to love him. But, when it comes down to it, if you don't love him like a woman intimately loves a man, then a relationship built on that is probably not going to be very productive or fulfilling. I had a friend once that told me that it's not my job to love the "unloveable" people in the world. It hit home bc that is exactly what I was doing back then - staying in relationships out of feeling sorry for my partners (to an extent). I felt like I owed them me staying, even if I didn't love them. I found out that just doesn't work, maybe short term, but it's not a relationship that I want to be in, and it's really not fair to you or to him.

 

And, I can say with almost 100% conviction that marrying and having kids will NOT make it better. It won't cause you to miraculously fall in love with him in the way that is needed for a couple to be intimately connected. If anything, it will just add more complications to the getting out of the relationship when you finally decide to do so. Bc then, you will be legally bound AND have children in the mix.

 

I understand you caring about him and your feelings, but I think the short affair you had has shown you that you are not where you are "supposed" to be, nor with someone that is very compatible with you. You could choose to just continue with your fiance and kind of "settle" for the things he offers besides the intimate love you seem to be craving - but I think you might regret that down the line. Depending on how important it is to you to be in a relationship that is based on that intimate love and not based on simply security, familiarity, and convenience. That's a choice that only you can make for yourself.

 

As far as the affair partner, you're going to have to grieve it, that's natural. It's not easy, it doesn't feel great, but it's not insurmountable. With time, it will hurt less and fade quite a bit, but you have to give it that time. I was in an affair with a MM for 7 years, and it took me about 6 months after I walked away to feel pretty good about it all. I started dating about that time again too, and was able to really invest in those relationships (although none worked out, as I'm super aware now of the need to be compatible). So, it just depends on you and your coping skills and your resilience level when it comes to emotional pains on how long it will take you. As long as your life isn't on hold, or you aren't unable to function, you are doing fine. If it gets to the point where you are consumed by the grief, and unable to work, or get out of bed, etc., ,that would be a sign of clinical symptoms that you would need to visit with a professional about.

 

Good luck... it sounds like a pretty unhappy situation. I hope that you are able to make some healthy choices soon, and that you can find some peace and satisfaction.

Edited September 27, 2012 by AnotherRound

[Ladydrib]

Well we are like practically married. We live together and invested a lot into each other's lives. He adores me and I've brought up breaking up before and he would say how much he loves me. He is also the type who was really lonely before I came into his life. He always thinks people don't really care or love him. So if I leave, I know he's going to feel so unlovable and I really regret not breaking it off earlier. I guess I thought we should make it work since we've spent so much time on each other. Now he wants to get married and have kids and I don't believe I love him.

 

My emotional affair lasted maybe only a month, but we spent a weekend together, going out and making love. It wasn't long but I believe what hurt me was the realization that this guy is someone that I really would want in my life. But he is unattainable. We both agreed not to break up each other's relationships before anything got sexual. I thought I could just get over it and see it as a good memory. But now I miss him so much and I feel like he may not miss me as much. And it hurts a lot.

 

You think you've wasted time now? Wait until 7 more years pass and you're even more unhappy, but further obligated, and even less available men out there (should you finally realize leaving is the right thing at that point. I know all too well your feelings about your boyfriend situation. What I didn't know is

 

- the boyfriend loving you is not enough.

- you can't life your life out of sympathy for someone else

- whatever it is that you think you can change, or he can change, that would make you happy in the relationship, is ever going to happen. You both want to make it work, so if it were something that could change, it would have changed.

 

This is the problem. You want out but you're scared that maybe you'll regret it. You also know your worried about hurting him. You also doubt your feelings of not loving him, you question how you could possibly not be in love with a guy who is so great and loves you so much. The answer is clear but you're complicating it. You are not happy with him and haven't been for a long time.

 

Read this book, maybe it will help you to stop being so confused. Too good to Leave, Too bad to Stay.

 

Forget about the mm. He is searching for affairs online. Perfect tool for cheating. He got bored and was ready for the next. Just like you don't have "in love" feelings for your husband, this mm probably didn't have those feelings for you. He is not a man that would make you happy even if you had him. You'd probably get cheated on repeatedly and eventually even left.

 

Get out of your relationship. Heal from the affair. Stand strong on your own. Meet a guy who is both in love with you AND you are in love with him.

[Minka333]

You should not live your life trying to please somebody. Think about your own happiness coz' in the long run it will affect your well-being. It is not your obligation in this world to carry the weight of your partner's misery. Your relationship is like one big illusion. It is not fair to both sides.

 

Better to come clean once and for all rather than prolong your agony. You will eventually find the happiness you deserve elsewhere. It ain't gonna be easy now but you gotta start somewhere.

[HisGraceisSufficient]

Oh gosh. I know I've hurt him indirectly by cheating on him but the thought of him being crushed after telling him about the affair will make him feel so unloved. He has issues as well of not believing anyone truly loves him. Thus why its been so hard for me to break up with him. I didn't want him to lose hope....

 

Counseling. No, we haven't tried. I don't think he's the type to go to counseling and thinks its a waste of time. He thinks nothing is really wrong and it will all be remedied when we get married and have kids.. He has a hard time opening up to people.

 

Here is a quote I have held on to passionately since may:

 

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

 

My husband was devastated by my honesty but now we are sowing seeds of true intimacy.

[s1421]

I felt like I owed them me staying, even if I didn't love them. I found out that just doesn't work, maybe short term, but it's not a relationship that I want to be in, and it's really not fair to you or to him.

...................

And, I can say with almost 100% conviction that marrying and having kids will NOT make it better. It won't cause you to miraculously fall in love with him in the way that is needed for a couple to be intimately connected.

....................

With time, it will hurt less and fade quite a bit, but you have to give it that time. I was in an affair with a MM for 7 years, and it took me about 6 months after I walked away to feel pretty good about it all.

Yes. I know we both kind of feel like that with each other. The need to take care of each other and do the right thing. I'm actually worried that he may even take his own life. I'm trying to get him to the gym and get him feeling good about himself so that its not as hard when I bring it up. It is the hardest thing I've had to do.

 

And I know that kids and marriage won't solve any issues. I think he thinks the problem with us is no commitment on my part (to actually marry him, etc). He adores me and thinks there isn't really a problem. I have to try to break it to him that we are not compatible and I'm not happy.

 

It only took you 6 months to get over your exMM after 7 years? That's quite a short time. Were you deeply emotionally involved with this guy or not really?

 

This is the problem. You want out but you're scared that maybe you'll regret it. You also know your worried about hurting him. You also doubt your feelings of not loving him, you question how you could possibly not be in love with a guy who is so great and loves you so much. The answer is clear but you're complicating it. You are not happy with him and haven't been for a long time.

 

.......................

 

Forget about the mm. He is searching for affairs online. Perfect tool for cheating. He got bored and was ready for the next. Just like you don't have "in love" feelings for your husband, this mm probably didn't have those feelings for you. He is not a man that would make you happy even if you had him. You'd probably get cheated on repeatedly and eventually even left.

THat is exactly what I'm feeling. I am scared that I will regret it down the line.

 

As for the other man, you may all get on me for this, but I emailed him recently. Obviously my willpower is not strong. I was so hurt that we cut everything off so abruptly that I wanted closure. I told him an update on my situation and he told me he is working out things with his wife. I was a bit jealous but I know I have no right to be. I absolutely hate it that I had an affair. That this guy was such a gentlemen to me yet so unattainable. If the good thing this has taught me was to absolutely never have sex with anybody unless I'm in the right mind.

 

Better to come clean once and for all rather than prolong your agony. You will eventually find the happiness you deserve elsewhere. It ain't gonna be easy now but you gotta start somewhere.

Yes. I know its got to be sooner than later. I'm trying to work up the courage to bring it up. Wish/pray for me.

 

Here is a quote I have held on to passionately since may:

 

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

 

My husband was devastated by my honesty but now we are sowing seeds of true intimacy.

I will think about that during this time. I need to be honest, I agree.

[AnotherRound]

Yes. I know we both kind of feel like that with each other. The need to take care of each other and do the right thing. I'm actually worried that he may even take his own life. I'm trying to get him to the gym and get him feeling good about himself so that its not as hard when I bring it up. It is the hardest thing I've had to do.

 

And I know that kids and marriage won't solve any issues. I think he thinks the problem with us is no commitment on my part (to actually marry him, etc). He adores me and thinks there isn't really a problem. I have to try to break it to him that we are not compatible and I'm not happy.

 

It only took you 6 months to get over your exMM after 7 years? That's quite a short time. Were you deeply emotionally involved with this guy or not really?

 

I can understand the obligation, honestly, I can. But imo, this is a BIG reason that so many people stay in such unhappy circumstances for so long - and from what I've seen, it only breeds resentment. And then, that resentment gets to such a high level, that it literally becomes insurmountable for a lot of couples. That is VERY hard to come back from and rebuild, imo.

 

I would be VERY honest with him that the issue is not your lack of commitment to the relationship. That your lack of commitment to the relationship stems from your knowledge that he is not the right one for you. If you are truly concerned that he will become suicidal, then before you tell him, have all of the crisis numbers ready to call and know the procedure for having him committed (against his will if necessary) if he does become suicidal. That's a tough position to be in, but I'm going to be honest with you. If he is mentally unstable enough to consider suicide, then there is nothing that you are going to be able to do to stop him. But that is NOT a reason to stay in a relationship with him. Sometimes, people with personality disorders (not saying he has one) manipulate relationships in this way - threatening suicide if the other party attempts to end the relationship. It NEVER ends well, I've seen it hundreds of times. I would look into what you can do if he becomes suicidal, and then after that, he is going to do what he is going to do - it really has nothing to do with you at that point, but far much more to do with his own emotional instability. I know, easier said than done...

 

No, it didn't take me 6 months to "get over" exMM, lol, I kind of wish! It took me 6 months of having walked away from the affair to get to a place where I really began to come back into my own. That was my active grieving period. I still grieved beyond that, at times, but it wasn't an all day every day thing, it started to fade at that point. Yes, he and I were/are extremely emotionally connected. That will NEVER be "gotten over", but sometimes, when things just don't work out, you just HAVE to move on - and that's what I was doing. We never went NC, so I never was completely cut off from him emotionally, so I never felt the need to grieve that loss. I basically was just grieving the loss of the physical part of the relationship.

[s1421]

Yes. I know. The instability of his emotional state is a red flag too. I'm just worried I'll never forgive myself for hurting him.

 

As for the other man, i actually believe I'm mourning the emotional part. I used to email him everyday. And for it to be cold turkey after the affair surprised and hurt me. I wish i can continue talking to him as a friend but he seems to think its not a good idea. I was half expecting this but i guess i feel rejected. I am composing my last farewell and good luck email to him. And it tears me up knowing that we will never talk again. Not to mention hurt and wondering if he doesn't see me in the light he may have previously. I didn't want to sound desperate to him so i know its best to just state it will probably be the last time we talk. I want to tell him how i missed him but that's probably not going to go well. Sigh

[veryhappy]

Do yourself a favor and do not send that last email. Draft it, but don't send it. Post it here if you want.

 

I'm on the side of denying friendship after the A

ended. He didn't understand. There's no way we can be friends. Maybe in five years. Maybe. How can i go from wanting a full life to friends? That request was frankly insulting.

Edited September 27, 2012 by cutedragon

[s1421]

Hey. I already sent it. It wasn't asking to be friends with him. It simply stated that i think he's a great guy but i wish him the best. I had good memories but it can't be real so its best to stop talking to each other. I told him about my plans to leave my relationship but wished him well in his.

 

It really hurt to send him this especially because i don't think he was as attached to me. I feel low, unattractive, and depressed. I thought i was depressed before. But now its finalized. Just counting down the days when my hurt is over... I do hate feeling like this. Especially since I used to be confident in myself before. I will never have an affair again. That is for certain...

[Ladydrib]

Yes. I know. The instability of his emotional state is a red flag too. I'm just worried I'll never forgive myself for hurting him.

 

As for the other man, i actually believe I'm mourning the emotional part. I used to email him everyday. And for it to be cold turkey after the affair surprised and hurt me. I wish i can continue talking to him as a friend but he seems to think its not a good idea. I was half expecting this but i guess i feel rejected. I am composing my last farewell and good luck email to him. And it tears me up knowing that we will never talk again. Not to mention hurt and wondering if he doesn't see me in the light he may have previously. I didn't want to sound desperate to him so i know its best to just state it will probably be the last time we talk. I want to tell him how i missed him but that's probably not going to go well. Sigh

 

He sounds like a total liar who actually seeks out affairs. I believe he told you what he knew you would connect with him if he said it. You don't have a lack of willpower. You are mixed up because he mixed you up. He was lieing to you and that's what lies do, they confuse you and make you doubt yourself. I don't believe for a second that he's "working on things" with his wife. He just plans to keep her, as is, forever, while he jumps around from new experience to new experience behind her back. "working on things" is a lame excuse. Just another lie. But convenient because he's ready for the next bit of newness and excitement. Forget about him and be so thankful that you are not married to him. Can you imagine?

 

You need to read that book I recommended. I think I know exactly why this is so hard for you. You're boyfriend is great but you are not getting pleasure from being with him. You get pleasure from that a** because he had to be pleasurable to gain your interest. Either way, you are having trouble letting go of the mm because you have been starved of pleasure for so long and you think you'll never find it again. Wrong. But it does not appear you've found it with your boyfriend. However, you need to dig deep and answer that for yourself, because you are not even trusting your own feelings about your boyfriend.

 

I'm telling you, read that book. And set yourself free from all dysfunctional or dissatisfying relationships. You are torturing yourself.