Standing_Firm Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 right now anyway. My wife of 20 years and I have been separated for a little over eight weeks. The divorce proceedings have started and unfortunately, there are kids involved. Over the last eight months, I have really let my emotions get the better of me. I have said some horrible things, all of which were not true. I have lied, I have been deceitful, I have been jealous, just overall a pretty tough person to live with. I can't blame her for wanting to end it, but it appears that she does not want to rush the process so maybe that leaves the door open for some reconciliation. If I am not in the home, how do I go about that? Over the last several days, I have communicated with her via e-mail and text an have been kind and courteous. This is basically the ONLY communcation that I have with her. I have not physically seen or spoken to her in 4 weeks. Anyone have any suggestions? I would like to work to get back into her life, I really would. Or should I just know that my mistakes have cost me my marriage and that I should move on?
madjac74 Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Sometimes the more you press the harder you make things. You need to start working on your self now...not only for you but your children. Be strong my man! I've been through this so feel free to ask me anything 2
Author Standing_Firm Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 Sometimes the more you press the harder you make things. You need to start working on your self now...not only for you but your children. Be strong my man! I've been through this so feel free to ask me anything I have heard of guys doing the 180. What does that entail? Is it completely ignoring her and moving on with your own life for the time being? I could use your guidance if you don't mind...........
madjac74 Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I'm not the best guidance really but I'm here. Divorce is hard. You are going to lose sleep, weight and money...I nearly lost my job...you will most certainly lose your mind. Unfortunately you can't ignore her when you have kids together. Most importantly ...get a lawyer!! They will have balls when yours have been cut off... 1
GuyInLimbo Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Are you guys in counseling at all? MC? IC? If not, pick up the phone now.
Author Standing_Firm Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 I'm not the best guidance really but I'm here. Divorce is hard. You are going to lose sleep, weight and money...I nearly lost my job...you will most certainly lose your mind. Unfortunately you can't ignore her when you have kids together. Most importantly ...get a lawyer!! They will have balls when yours have been cut off... We both have lawyers and have made our initial court appearance. That is how I am losing 3K a month right now. Thankfully, she does know exactly how much I make so that is a good thing. And YES, I have lost my mind! I am currently in therapy to deal with the anxiety and anger..............
Author Standing_Firm Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 If you want to work on getting her back in your life you are going to have to do a few things 1st. #1 is working on yourself. This is your top priority. You need to ask yourself why you treated her the way you did, what with the lying, being deceitful, jealous etc. Until you address these issues and face them head on and correct them, then and only then, can you think about seeing if you can have a chance of saving your marriage. I understand what you are going through and i know that you want to get back with her as soon as possible but i`m afraid it`s going to take time. The 180 you spoke about... see here.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/314882-180 But as you have children together this does not apply to you. One more bit of advice i`ll give is stop the texting, emails etc, . She needs time to miss you and she can`t to that if you are contacting her all the time. Take a step back and start concentrating on you. Good luck. keep posting I might add that SHE is initiating the texting and e-mailing. Primarily has to do with the kids and her accusing me of something I did or did not do Lol!! I will start ignoring those.........thanks for the advice.
GuyInLimbo Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 And don't let your attorney drag things out. $3k/month? Sounds suspicious to me.
worldgonewrong Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 And don't let your attorney drag things out. $3k/month? Sounds suspicious to me. Yeah, holy smoke, that's an insane amount of money being paid out to lawyers per month.
Author Standing_Firm Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 And don't let your attorney drag things out. $3k/month? Sounds suspicious to me. The attorneys have been paid. This is what I owe her in child support and alimony (did I mention I have seven kids??). Hence the reason I am getting hammered right now. She wanted more!!! I have plenty to live on...........but she does not know that! And I hope to keep it that way.
Author Standing_Firm Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 Are you guys in counseling at all? MC? IC? If not, pick up the phone now. She refused to go to counseling in that this was all 'my fault'. Did not matter to her that she announced at the beginning of the year "I am having a MLC". Then came the texting, e-mailing, flirting with men half her age, etc., etc. Did I get anxious and angry?? You bet I did. Probably could have handled it better, but it is what it is. Maybe I should just pick up the pieces in my OWN life and move on. If I were to go back, nothing would probably change. I am in therapy right now to work on my anxiety and anger issues and am looking forward to doing some things for myself for a change.
CarrieT Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 The attorneys have been paid. This is what I owe her in child support and alimony (did I mention I have seven kids??). Hence the reason I am getting hammered right now. She wanted more!!! I have plenty to live on...........but she does not know that! And I hope to keep it that way. I see a huge disconnect here. You want to get back with her but are happy she doesn't know how much you make (which you are happy about!) shows a tremendous lack of communication in your relationship. This is a giant red flag towards reconciliation. And, if you do the numbers, $3,000 a month is barely $14 a day for raising each child - which is not a lot of money to house, cloth and feed so I can understand why she would need more. I have a feeling there is more to your story...
Author Standing_Firm Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 Really good that you are having therapy One point you made thou .` if i were to go back, nothing would probably change` The change you are looking for comes from within. In you. Not her. You. So if she were to continue the behavior that she is STILL engaging in, I would have to accept that and move on?? How on God's green earth can I do that? Not sure that I understand. Would SHE not have to change some things as well?? Can you explain further?? Bottom line, I will get me squared away, and if reconcilliation happens, I'll take it one day at a time.
Author Standing_Firm Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 it doesn`t matter `How` she is `engaging`. It`s what YOU do or react that counts. you said`Would SHE not have to change some things as well?? `... i dont know...would she?? If there`s things she does that piss you off than you both have a communication problem? You, or her, or both of you? There`s always some deep rooted problem , from one or sometimes both parties than needs to be addressed, and fixed, before you can even think about being happy together. Usually it`s this problem , that tears the marriage apart. So why did you think you lied to her , was deceitful, got jealous? Okay, I see your point. I think that we both have things to work of *if* we get back together. And that is a big if right now. There has been a lot of damage done on both sides. As I said earlier, maybe I just pick up the pieces in my life and try to move on the best that I can. I have been told, and forcefully, that she likes what she is doing and is not going to change for anyone, including me!
DuckSoup Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Mid life crisis, flirting/texting + who knows what? w/other men.... I'm going to suggest something which might run contrary to all of your principles, but.... ...you should start dating other women. Don't rub your wife's face in it....but--if it's her wish to move on, then she needs to know you're movin' on. If she objects to your dating other women, tell her "As long as we are separated and you wish to terminate the marriage, I can't stop you, as I can't stop you from flirting/texting w/other men. On the other hand, if that's what you wish, then we both need to move on. And I will do so." Her attitude towards you might change when she realizes that hey, you're a desirable man, and you have options. A lot more options than a middle aged woman with seven children probably actually has out there on the "dating market."
DuckSoup Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Okay, I see your point. I think that we both have things to work of *if* we get back together. And that is a big if right now. There has been a lot of damage done on both sides. As I said earlier, maybe I just pick up the pieces in my life and try to move on the best that I can. I have been told, and forcefully, that she likes what she is doing and is not going to change for anyone, including me! Then you have your answer. She is not interested in reconciling. Accept it and move on as best and as quickly as you can from this dead marriage.
Author Standing_Firm Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 You are hurting? yes or no? That is a question that your therapist asked you from day 1? From your posts here. ( and yeah i`ve read your ealier thread starts) Why SHOULD she change for you?? It`s down to you and you know what i`m saying. Yes, I am hurting. I have been with this woman for 22 years, 20 of it married. It has been really hard for me to let go but maybe I need to. Maybe she won't change for anyone, including me? That is her prerogative I guess. All I know is that today, right now, I am not happy and I need to do something about it!!
Author Standing_Firm Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 So stop replying on a forum, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!! Nuff said. Thanks for the advice!!
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