The other side of NC

[dp421685]

Some may be familiar with my situation, some may not. Here is my original post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/345228-when-both-sides-feel-time-hope-slipping-during-nc

 

I found something interesting on another forum. There is a another NC guide but more so the reasons against it - it's by Yangki Christine Akiteng.

 

Anyways, the poster gives a high level on what the guide says:

 

As I say, the book is long, too long to easily summarise here, but let me just quickly focus on her specific arguments against NC. She has many, the first argument is that NC does not comunicate positive change to your ex. It does not prevent your ex seeing you as controlling, clingy, needy, smothering, jealous or overly dependant because it’s just another example of a behaviour done for you. NC can send the message that you don’t need to change and your ex is wrong for not wanting to be with you and so you will punish them. NC does not say “I can control myself”, NC actually says I don’t have the mental and emotional stability to properly communicate with you, so I won’t bother. Instead of NC, what you should do is work on whatever it was that made your communication immature, needy, attention-seeking and overly dependant in the first place.

 

Second, NC is cruel, selfish and disrespectful. We don’t just ignore the people we care about and doing it as a strategy to make someone care about you is mean.

 

Third, NC delays the time when your ex can see you as a changed person and when you can both talk, begin to solve your problems, share your feelings and begin to create new positive memories.

 

Fourth, cutting off all contact opens the door for someone else to come in with a sympathetic ear. If your ex does respond by feeling physically and emotionally vulnerable and they cannot turn to you for comfort then no surprise that they turn to someone else (that might have happened in my case). You allow someone else to be there for your ex when you were needed.

 

Fifth, you want your ex back because they miss you, they miss your conversation, your good times and your intimacy. You don’t want them back because they feel insecure and threatened or because they are lonely and bored. Do you?

 

Sixth, it is much harder to resestablish contact after you have been absent from someone’s life for a protracted period. Your ex may reject you because they got used to life without you. Strong and emotionally secure ex’s (the ones we really want to keep around), in particular, will have gotten through the pain, picked themselves up and moved on. Your sudden reappearance may well be hugely underwhelming.

 

I have had these thoughts and internal battles with myself during my NC phase. The key thing is I think to myself, what kind of person am I if I said I love someone and totally walk away for a period of time.

 

I probably can predict what everyone will say however this is how I feel now and can't help it - i feel a sense of regret now and maybe NC was not the way for my particular situation. The author does make valid points and it just puts me in a situation where I may have ruined any chances of reconciliation. Like she says, no communication = no relationship.

 

It's been 35 days of NC...about 9 days since she "attempted" to reach out to me (see my post above)...

[jayy23]

After reading that It kinda opens your eyes to the negative side of NC I've been in NC for 69 days now but my ex has not tried to contact me in that time as much as I would love to speak to her I would rather it was her that reached out to me first but I'm not sure that will happen now.

[Sameold]

I think much of it depends on if you dumped or were dumped. If you got dumped nc is effective as you shouldn't chase someone when they pushed you away, the onus has to be on them, your job is not to persuade them.

 

Also, remember nc is a tool for healing and not for getting them back.

[Calico]

All of those points assume that you are using NC in an attempt to get your ex back. That's not how people here recommend to use NC. NC is about YOUR healing, not about hope, or about what your ex may or may not think, feel or do. It's NOT about getting back the ex. If you want that, NC is self-deception and you're setting yourself up for more pain. (Arguably that's still better than sticking around and watching your ex slip away more and more, while you wait, wait, and wait, getting stuck while the ex moves on.)

 

"Your ex may reject you because they got used to life without you." -- Good, hopefully by that time you have gotten used to a life without your ex, too!

[LoveHurts88]

This also makes me wonder should i have went nc? She contacted me 4 days ago and i told her that we shouldnt talk not now .... after reading that was that the right choice? I want her back but im not gonna beg and plead for her back. Im lost now

[ponette]

yeah...now i'm even more frustrated and confused than before. i don't know what to do now.

[Calico]

Guys, come on, don't let your "junkie brains" deceive you into hope so that you can get a "fix". Most of us have TRIED "being friends", we've tried "hanging around", we've tried "being there". Remember how it felt, what it did to you? Don't leave that out of sight.

 

The future is ahead of you, it can't be found behind you. Let go of that old relationship. You may get them back in the future, but it's very, very unlikely to happen before you have let go. Really let go. Letting go means you don't sit there and wait and hope and question your every decision and thought. Move on!

 

And if you ask yourself, "What have I got to lose?". You've to lose more dignity. Doesn't matter, because you'd "do everything to get them back"? Okay, so what have you got to gain? More pain, more despair, more hurt, more confusion, and more wasted days and weeks and months and years of your life filled with misery and heartache that you could spend feeling a lot better than you do right now.

Edited September 13, 2012 by Calico

[Hindsight_is_20_20]

Calico is right. It's not the dumpee's responsibility to reach out to their ex... but that's neither here nor there. You don't really want to reach out to them. You want to reach out to the idea of them, the one you still think cares. They don't. That doesn't mean you're not worth having someone care about you. You are. You most definitely are, and when you find someone that trumps your ex, you'll cringe when you thin of how much time you wasted groveling over your ex.

 

Don't contact your dumper. Try to put yourselves in their shoes. If you dumped someone, wouldn't you reach out if you wanted to rekindle a relationship with them? I plead to say you would. It's up to them. Any contact you make is going to push them farther away.

[suladas]

Being on the other side of NC, it really hurts. I mean if you have no intention of ever getting back together, why wouldn't you just respond to the person reaching out with something like "I have no intention of ever getting back together" just to send a clear message and stop them from guessing? It's much better to them then just being ignored. I mean is it going to effect your healing to just send someone that? Chances are they will stop, and wouldn't that help more then them still sending messages? I mean if they are blowing up your phone contacting you non stop I can see it, but being on the other side it honestly really hurts when you are just trying to find out what they are feeling. NC makes you think maybe they are just unsure and thinking about things? Did the text actually go through? Maybe I just said the wrong thing? Maybe they want more to be said? Etc etc.

 

I mean you have to think about yourself first, but at the same time you obviously cared for them at one time, and if they did nothing horrible to hurt the relationship in my opinion why wouldn't you look out for their feelings a bit, especially if it's not going to affect yours?

[suladas]

I guess I just think if either person wants to get back together they should make the move, because you have no idea what the other person is thinking, and for all you know they are thinking the same thing and neither of you ever make the move. In my experience, I think being the dumpee I had to make the first contact because of the way the break up went.

[Calico]

In my experience, I think being the dumpee I had to make the first contact ...

 

Why? You were thrown away, why do the Windows thing and ask, "Did you really mean to throw me away?"

[suladas]

Why? You were thrown away, why do the Windows thing and ask, "Did you really mean to throw me away?"

 

Ya I guess. I figure the way I seen it, she left and hurt me so she would have a tough time trying to contact me and say she made a mistake. I was also trying to rationalize it by she put in a ton of effort getting us together in the first place, so I should put in effort trying to get her back. I know you can't convince someone to take you back and if you could it's not a good thing they have to want it. It's just the way I was thinking. And i'd rather contact them and get shut down even if it's more pain, then not contact them and maybe always wonder what if?

 

But with NC would you not agree a simple message to the person telling them there is no hope would not be a nice, simple, gesture?

Edited September 13, 2012 by suladas

[dp421685]

I get it. NC is for you. However, truth is, if you did love your significant other, whether you got "thrown away" or you did the "throwing away" you probably would fight to mend the relationship if you truely believed that you guys were meant to be. This would be the hard way, emotionally, and NC, an "easier" way.

 

Bottom line is, every situation is different and calls for different actions. It's ultimately up to you what you want to do. You can take all the advice that is here but do whatever feels right for you. You know your ex better than anyone in this forum so take all the helpful advice and come to your own conclusion.

 

It's tough because everyone has a different mind set. Some might be bitter, resentful and others are more empathetic. This is why there are conflicting views on this. Again, both sides of NC have very valid points but in the end, it's up to you what you do and what you think is the right thing to do, because it's your life and you have the free will to do so.

[Sugarkane]

Even if you do contact, most of the time they ignore us dumpees anyway. What's the point? Or just blame 100% on us.

[Calico]

I get it. NC is for you. However, truth is, if you did love your significant other, whether you got "thrown away" or you did the "throwing away" you probably would fight to mend the relationship if you truely believed that you guys were meant to be. This would be the hard way, emotionally, and NC, an "easier" way.

 

No, you don't get it. NC is not the tool to get your ex back. If you use it for that purpose, you are doing it wrong. It's like using a toilet brush to clean your teeth: It may work a bit, but mostly you're just stuck with the bad taste. That doesn't make the toilet brush a bad tool for the purpose its meant for: cleaning toilets. So, it's only another "trick", another mind game. Using NC that way means that you don't want to let go and you do mental acrobatics to justify why you don't accept or respect the wish of your ex: that it is over.

 

When you love someone, you respect their decision, even if it's one you don't agree with or that hurts you. "Fight to mend" usually means "I beg and annoy my ex until they eventually get mad, so I can feel a little bit worse and beat myself up a bit more."

 

By all means, do that. I'm not even saying anyone should use NC before they want to let go and try to move on. As long as you think you can "mend" it and don't mind the torture, NC probably isn't what you should do. I absolutely agree that every situation is different and that you should do what you think is best.

 

There is no "other side of NC". There is only using the NC correctly to heal, and using NC to get your ex back (and frequently making it worse). Personally, I am not using NC to get my partner back and I would never recommend using it for that purpose.

[dp421685]

i recently found text your ex back by Micheal fiore. Pretty interesting actually. He calls for 30 days NC and then opening up the lines of communication, slowly.

 

worth checking out.