dp421685 Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 See my current situation here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/344569-first-time-saw-ex-since-nc Anyways, has anyone thought or felt that while in NC that your ex (in my case, ex girl - dumper) may feel that you have moved on and won't contact you? I bring this up because I told one of my girl friends about what happened to me recently, and she brought up that I should think about reaching out because she feels that my ex may have made her move and me not responding, it may signal the white flag for her and is waiting for me to make my move. She also mentioned that she thinks that my ex wants to get back together but me not responding is telling her that she is losing hope in the relationship. I know NC is about me, but I like to look at this strategy from all angles. Now, this depends on what I want however I just was wondering if anyone else has thought this. What if both parties are stubborn and will not reach out? And what if part of the reason of breaking up was due to lack of communication? Is NC still the way to go?
lovehurts5 Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I think that ALL the time. I haven't spoken to my ex since May 29th, he called me June 29th in the middle of the night but I didn't answer because he had hurt me and I figured if he really wanted to talk he'd text or call me at another time... He hasn't. He texted his friend (my good friends bf) pages worth of text the same night he had called me about how he really screwed it up with me, how he had only wanted to be broken up for a month, and how I deserve to be.happy. I always wonder if he still feels that way and just doesnt contact me because he tried once and is stubborn. And I dont call or text him because hes the one who hurt me and I feel like he's the one that needs to do the.chasing. but he's on my mind every minute everyday. I always wonder if he's doing the same hoping I'm going to reach out.
Calico Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 That's one of the delicious and logical sounding thoughts that your brain offers you when you look for a reason to break the NC. It's like when you are going through alcohol or drug withdrawal and suddenly feel strongly that if you could just get a bit of the substance, you could go on much more easily. And in that moment, it looks like a perfectly sound idea. But it's just self-deception. Sure, there is a small chance that what you describe is happening, but the odds are hugely in favor of you only trying to find an excuse to get your "fix". This doesn't mean you shouldn't try, just that you need to at least prepare yourself to possibly sacrifice a large chunk of your progress.
Author dp421685 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 I always wonder if he still feels that way and just doesnt contact me because he tried once and is stubborn. And I dont call or text him because hes the one who hurt me and I feel like he's the one that needs to do the.chasing. but he's on my mind every minute everyday. I always wonder if he's doing the same hoping I'm going to reach out. Now, I know NC is about self-healing but what if you are ready to reconcile? Are there instances that both parties are stubborn? I feel like this is what's happening with my current situation... I know its been like 4 days since she made an attempt to contact me but if she wanted to talk, it shouldn't of been at 430 in the morning when I am pretty certain she was drunk. But the thing is, she probably would of apologized if it was a mistake...hence there is my dilemma, she is giving up...
TaraMaiden Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Now, I know NC is about self-healing but what if you are ready to reconcile? Are there instances that both parties are stubborn? I feel like this is what's happening with my current situation... NC isn't only about self-healing. It's about self-preservation. I hate to be blunt, but you are sooo grasping at straws. If she really - but REALLY - wanted to get back with you, wild horses wouldn't stop her. I know its been like 4 days since she made an attempt to contact me but if she wanted to talk, it shouldn't of been at 430 in the morning when I am pretty certain she was drunk. But the thing is, she probably would of apologized if it was a mistake...hence there is my dilemma, she is giving up... No. The reason she hasn't been back in touch to apologise for her mistake is two-fold: One, she doesn't want to break contact because it would give you hope, and there is none, and Two - she's frankly, embarrassed. I would be mortified, once sober, if I remembered getting in touch with my ex... The last thing I would want to do, is to call them up again, to clarify, explain and apologise. That would put me in a 'weaker, beholden' position. And to be honest, "Least said, soonest mended"... Just keep my head low, say nothing and 'this too shall pass'..... Read the "All new Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature. It explains everything - and why, For sure for sure - you should never, ever think about breaking NC!!
Author dp421685 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 (edited) but she already broke contact...that's what i don't get. and isn't she weaker already by doing so? I was doing good until she pulled this move. Now my mind is flooded with what if's again... is she trying to play games? Edited September 6, 2012 by dp421685
bluefairy812 Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Read the "All new Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature. It explains everything - and why, For sure for sure - you should never, ever think about breaking NC!! so true
bluefairy812 Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 but she already broke contact...that's what i don't get. and isn't she weaker already by doing so? I was doing good until she pulled this move. Now my mind is flooded with what if's again... is she trying to play games? my ex is doing the same and he says everything BUT wanting to get back with me... it's hopeless and only puts you back in square 1! i would say to leave it alone unless she is on her knees asking you to come back
TaraMaiden Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 but she already broke contact...that's what i don't get. and isn't she weaker already by doing so? That's why she hasn't been back in touch, Because she was sufficiently weakened by alcohol. She's not going to 'weaken' herself still further, by contacting you again. That would be just great, wouldn't it? "Sorry 'bout that.... I was drunk, just babbling, I didn't mean anything by it, I was just pissed-talking...." Oh yeah.... That would make you feel so much better, wouldn't it? I was doing good until she pulled this move. Now my mind is flooded with what if's again... is she trying to play games? No. She's trying not to. Pulling these kind of stunts does f.uc.k with your mind. And she knows it might well have done that with you. That's why she hasn't re-contacted you. You really should be grateful for that. Carry on keeping on - and stay No Contact.
TaraMaiden Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Oh and - your thread title is at best, misleading, and at worst - you lying to yourself. The perspective of time and hope slipping away - is yours alone - not hers. You're in NC to move on and heal. It's a self-preservation process. You really should look forward, because she slipped up - but she's not worried about time doing the same.
Author dp421685 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 @tara - it was more of a theoretical title but i see how it is misleading. i am very analytical in nature which make this that much harder...i analyze every possible permutation, outcomes, and the why's and what they mean. And when you mix in real emotions to this equation, man does my mind get all out of whack. thats why this whole "drunk" text/call is driving me nuts. why did she do it when she did it [when she saw me] and not every time she got "drunk" and went out. sorry, im just venting a little here, just frustrated and confused.
TaraMaiden Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 You must have therefore heard the phrase; "Hyper~analysis causes paralysis". You're over-thinking this. Stop it. Stop going over it time and again. if she knows you try to work things out to the 'Nth' degree, that's also probably another reason she hasn't contacted you. Just more fuel to the Mind F.uc.k. I'm going to tell you something I always tell my clients, which actually works absolutely perfectly in situations like this: "It really isn't a question of wondering "What are they doing? Why are they doing it?" You can't climb into their heads and ascertain those answers for sure - and it's really not important, because - The question you should be asking YOURSELF at this point is, rather - "What do I do, now?" It's really very simple: You were doing fine before, with NC. So do the same now. Fine, with NC. It's preferable to driving yourself batty - and what's more, you know it makes sense.
Dblock10 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 If she wanted you back you would know. this is why I don't go into nc until I accept it's over in my head. how u get to that point is up to u also Men try and rationalize everything. You can turn every scenario over in your mind and try and figure out what would have happened differently if you did this or did that. But it is what it is. It has happened, the decision has been made. Cease the rationalization and accept the facts. Getting over a relationship is much easier when you spare yourself the mental hula hoops.
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