Wife's sexual history before marriage...ouch!

[TiredFamilyGuy]

After sixteen years of marriage and two children, only in the last six weeks has my wife opened up to actually talk with me about anything except everyday stuff. Should you be curious about what prevented communication and what I did to make it happen, there's another thread about that.

 

The talking has been going well. I always wanted it and now it's going feel I have no choice but to try to know her mind on everything under the sun, else risk being blindsided again.

 

Better yet, all this sharing has helped create intimacy, and as a by-product we've been having a lot more sex. That's good, and I've been wanting to make it even better by asking my wife what she really truly likes best in bed, as up until recently it's all been straight vanilla missionary.

 

To get to the point, in my humble quest for knowledge, I asked my wife how many partners she had before marriage, and who was her first. The answers to both were ... quite a surprise. I am trying to take it on the chin here but quite honestly I am having a bit of difficulty with the answers.

 

As for number of partners: fifty. And two threesomes.

 

My reaction to that? Well partly to damn myself for a fool for asking. But mostly kind of, oh ****. Of course I knew she'd had relationships - we married at 32 - but I had somehow assumed that hers were somehow like my relatively mere eight (which bar two were serial serious relationships). Well, she was young and attractive and getting hit on, and it was before I knew her, so it would be ridiculous to feel hard done by. But it does rather bother me that our histories are so different.

 

I realize, the surprise is entirely my fault for not having asked before we were married, or for asking at all without being better prepared for the answer. I'm also thinking, at least I should have asked for her number first then, I don't know, tripled my number or just winked mysteriously at her when it was my turn to fess up. What a dope.

 

But the more I think about this, the less it bothers me: she was young and hot. Considering her basket of other emotional issues, I even suppose a period of promiscuity should not surprise. I responded "Gee, that's ...quite a lot. But thank you for being honest with me." and we had sex again. So, I am telling myself, get over it.

 

The answer to the other question bothers me much, much more. Turns out her first was the guy who introduced us, - we have met regularly socially throughout our marriage, and he is now married himself. Now, I knew that he was a former boyfriend. But I also remember asking way back, feeling a bit uncomfortable for some reason around him, asking whether he was her first, and she said no. Turns out he is. Now he is a fine fellow, I owe him for the introduction, and he lives far away. But we recently met up and formed vague plans to go, as two married couples, on vacation together. Can't see that happening, the way I'm feeling now.

 

I really don't want to beat her up about it, especially as what I want to do is get her to talk to me honestly about stuff, and she is doing it. But I mind about the lie, feel a loss of intimacy and want to make it clear to her, that it is the lie that bothers me rather than anything else. She says, she just did not want to cause upset and appears to regard it as no big deal.

 

Any advice people? To help me process this stuff and also make my point.

 

I understand the reaction of women to this issue is different - so what do you think ladies?

 

BTW I think I need to lighten up so feel free, make some fun also, I feel like a prize idiot here.

[denise_xo]

I understand the reaction of women to this issue is different - so what do you think ladies?

 

I don't know if I have a particular 'female' reaction to this, but as you say yourself I would be more worried about the lies than about her sexual past. It's not good that she views that as 'no big deal'. On the other hand, with the kind of situation you are describing, I doubt that there have been any feelings between the two of them for a very long time.

 

For what it's worth, I guess I've been in a somewhat similar situation - I had a lot more sexual experience than my H when we got married. He had close to zero and while my so called number isn't as high as your wife's, it's probably high enough to scare a good chunk of men. Unlike the two of you, we had this conversation before marriage rather than after and he was at first very uncomfortable with it. I let him talk through his discomfort and answered all his questions, and this went on for a good while - then I eventually got to a point where I kind of said 'either you need to be able to accept this as part of who I am, or we need to part'. He got over it and we moved on.

 

I briefly read your other threads in the past although I did not respond. It seems like the two of you have made a breakthrough with regard to meaningful communication. I would focus on continuing that work, and let her know that it's really important that she is honest with you, and that the discovery of this lie makes you wonder whether there have been other things she has been hiding from you. Tell her, at the same time, what you have said here: that you feel that this process of the two of you opening more up to each other has been really helpful in different ways and so on, so that she understands that opening up and her being honest is a crucial step in rebuilding your relationship.

 

About her past 'numbers', etc - it kind of is what it is. She can't go back and redo it, and you can't go back and discover that information prior to marriage rather than after 16 years. I don't really know that else to say about that.

[karnak]

I would be more bothered about the 3'somes really.

[todreaminblue]

After sixteen years of marriage and two children, only in the last six weeks has my wife opened up to actually talk with me about anything except everyday stuff. Should you be curious about what prevented communication and what I did to make it happen, there's another thread about that.

 

The talking has been going well. I always wanted it and now it's going feel I have no choice but to try to know her mind on everything under the sun, else risk being blindsided again.

 

Better yet, all this sharing has helped create intimacy, and as a by-product we've been having a lot more sex. That's good, and I've been wanting to make it even better by asking my wife what she really truly likes best in bed, as up until recently it's all been straight vanilla missionary.

 

To get to the point, in my humble quest for knowledge, I asked my wife how many partners she had before marriage, and who was her first. The answers to both were ... quite a surprise. I am trying to take it on the chin here but quite honestly I am having a bit of difficulty with the answers.

 

As for number of partners: fifty. And two threesomes.

 

My reaction to that? Well partly to damn myself for a fool for asking. But mostly kind of, oh ****. Of course I knew she'd had relationships - we married at 32 - but I had somehow assumed that hers were somehow like my relatively mere eight (which bar two were serial serious relationships). Well, she was young and attractive and getting hit on, and it was before I knew her, so it would be ridiculous to feel hard done by. But it does rather bother me that our histories are so different.

 

I realize, the surprise is entirely my fault for not having asked before we were married, or for asking at all without being better prepared for the answer. I'm also thinking, at least I should have asked for her number first then, I don't know, tripled my number or just winked mysteriously at her when it was my turn to fess up. What a dope.

 

But the more I think about this, the less it bothers me: she was young and hot. Considering her basket of other emotional issues, I even suppose a period of promiscuity should not surprise. I responded "Gee, that's ...quite a lot. But thank you for being honest with me." and we had sex again. So, I am telling myself, get over it.

 

The answer to the other question bothers me much, much more. Turns out her first was the guy who introduced us, - we have met regularly socially throughout our marriage, and he is now married himself. Now, I knew that he was a former boyfriend. But I also remember asking way back, feeling a bit uncomfortable for some reason around him, asking whether he was her first, and she said no. Turns out he is. Now he is a fine fellow, I owe him for the introduction, and he lives far away. But we recently met up and formed vague plans to go, as two married couples, on vacation together. Can't see that happening, the way I'm feeling now.

 

I really don't want to beat her up about it, especially as what I want to do is get her to talk to me honestly about stuff, and she is doing it. But I mind about the lie, feel a loss of intimacy and want to make it clear to her, that it is the lie that bothers me rather than anything else. She says, she just did not want to cause upset and appears to regard it as no big deal.

 

Any advice people? To help me process this stuff and also make my point.

 

I understand the reaction of women to this issue is different - so what do you think ladies?

 

BTW I think I need to lighten up so feel free, make some fun also, I feel like a prize idiot here.

 

 

I dotn think you need to lighten up if you say ouch that means it hurt.....I would fully disclose before intimacy occurred.I think that is fair....in saying that I dont know how i would be perceived.....i would take it on the chin if the guy didn't want to see me again or continue a relationship.I would and will find it difficult to bring up but its required.I think a serious partner who desired more than sex would struggle with extensive sexual history.Its not a comfortable topic but one that is necessary to eb discussed before intimacy occurs to give the guy the chance to decide if he wants to move forward or not......as far as i go......this topic is almost a reason fro me not to pursue a relationship.......it is something i struggle with...i do believe in honesty with sexual history and would take it on the chin if it ended a budding relationship.....my ex knew my past.......it was a series of circumstances......and not a reflection of who i am.......if someone were to judge me on this after i explained fully and disclosed everything....then they obviously were not right for me....and i would wish them well.......sexual history is that history.......deb

[sally4sara]

I think its sad that there was a lie in the mix but, after 16 years of a marriage you seem content in, it is odd that the long dead past would have you reevaluating the character of your wife. She is obviously someone you saw fit to spend at least 16 years together with and it sounds like you have a healthy sex life. I believe when people find someone they really value its pretty common for them to fear losing that person enough to hide things. People should be brave in the face of judgement but I get it as to why it can take longer for someone to find it in them to be brave.

 

Honesty is as much about trusting others as it is about wanting to be trustworthy. It sounds like when the two of you got together, she had yet to find the level of trust in you to feel comfortable in being honest about everything. My husband and I both come from households where we had to learn to lie to avoid beatings. I came to honesty faster than he did while he, when we began, still had fear in him and hid a few things from me. He had to grow to trust I wouldn't reject him before he got over that fear. Maybe this is similar to your wife's circumstances?

 

And in one way, she was right to reserve some of her history. Here it is 16 years later and NOW it occurred to you to want to know all? And what do you do with this new knowledge? You jump right in to judgments. So maybe back then you were very vocal about judging people and it added to her fears? She got over it at some point or you would have never learned otherwise.

Is she not the same person you've been knowing all this time? Does this long ago omittion erase all she is and has been for you? I think it does because look - you've practically rewritten the entire character of the guy who introduced the two of you from one you'd share a vacation with to one you'd avoid being around. On some level, your reaction to him is fueled by the impulse to do the same to your wife - someone you cannot so easily avoid or write off. Part of you wants to so he gets the full brunt of that.

 

Look, your past is made up of two parts - what you chose and what life's circumstances offered you. As an example: the choices of someone born into a tumultuous and impoverished land will not be comparable to those of someone born into a family with monetary ease in a free land; get it? You cannot now act pious and say all that you experienced was a complete manifestation of your control. You were not in the same situations she was to know what choices you would have made or how they would have differed from hers. Unless you were always swarmed with women falling at your feet and calling for you to climb into bed with them (and on occasion with another woman in tow) and you chose differently, its pretty convenient to judge others for their choices so many years after the fact.

[Sauron]

If the 3somes were MFF, then maybe you have a shot at getting her to consider it again with you. She probably didn't want to freak you out because you were "the one" and scare you off because she is sexually uninhibited. Some men are very intimadated by highly sexual women because we aren't sure if we can satisfy them, and we like to take the lead . I would consider you a lucky man if you can channel it in the right direction. Good luck.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Thank you, posters.

 

denise_xo : wise advice and I will try to do, pretty much that.

 

karnak: No idea about what kind of threesome. And no idea what would be worst.

 

sally4sara: You are bringing your own issues here and are no help. "Here it is 16 years later and NOW it occurred to you to want to know all? And what do you do with this new knowledge? You jump right in to judgments." Well, no, I have been trying to get her to talk for over a decade. Now that she is, and that I - not without cause - am having a hard time with the answers, I am trying to process the information and so am asking for help. No recriminations have come from me, I am gingerly picking my way.

 

Sauron: it seems MFF threesomes exert a fascination on the mind! I will let you know when I learn more, but unless my wife now reveals this is the only thing that will make her happy, I won't pursue. To be honest, I've never considered being kinky that way and am more concerned with keeping her on the rails than getting some, er, strange.

[Hawaii50]

Never ever-ever talk sexual history. I will chat about what I like, dis-like, fantasize about etc.. but I will not talk history precisely for this reason. It's ALWAYS a loaded topic. I've never witnessed it end awesomely. So I just explain-that, when the topic comes up and it usually skirts the entire issue.

 

Edit: Sometimes I will even call it "childish" as to taint the topic with immaturity.

[Hawaii50]

I would also like to point out to the OP that her numbers are probably skewed to what she thought was a conservative number. Your woman's odometer is probably over a 100ft.

[GoodOnPaper]

the fact that she limited your marital sex life to plain vanilla for so long is SIMPLY OUTRAGEOUS.

 

Agree -- I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want the intimacy with their life partner to be the deepest and most uninhibited of all. OP, do you feel that your wife is giving you 100% in terms of attraction, intimacy, and commitment? If so, I think there is hope going forward; but if not, that's a big issue the two of you need to resolve.

[karnak]

Tired Peter Griffin (j/k), I may be bringing my own issues to my response (I am a married guy by the way) but please accept this for what if any it is worth--

 

One, if she told you 50 guys the reality is it was probably significantly more. "50" is probably because she literally just lost count. I'm not trying to be hurtful at all, but the reality is women like your wife who rode the so-called "c8ck carousel" before marriage would have no reason to limit it to just 50. Just as you stated you should have lied and tripled your number, women frequently DO lie and 1/3 their numbers. She is in minimizing/damage limiting mode even though now she is trying to be "truthful."

 

An attractive woman like your wife could basically have sex with a different, new guy every single day. Every single day. I'm not saying she did--but she could have. 50 is nothing, just nothing, for a woman so inclined.

 

Second, perhaps most importantly, the fact that she limited your marital sex life to plain vanilla for so long is SIMPLY OUTRAGEOUS. It is a guarantee that she had every different kind of sex (as you are finding out about threesomes)--anal, oral, bondage, whatever. She did it ALL before marrying you.

 

And for her to deliberately withhold that highly sexualized aspect of herself from YOU, her husband--while very common with women like your wife--also means she feels she "settled" for you. She got her sexual kicks with the alpha males and when she suddenly felt herself to be totally degraded she decided she needed a nice safe beta "provider" male to have the family, raise kids etc.

 

Her highly sexualized past, including a couple of threesomes, also suggest she was game for anything including having cheated on one or more past partners--or on YOU. Women like your wife simply don't have very good boundaries with this stuff.

 

The shared vacation with her "first" and his wife? FORGET ABOUT IT. She would end up having an affair with him, assuming that hasn't already happened. Old flame love affairs are the worst kind.

 

If this guy has been in your circle from the beginning, I would find it very hard to believe they haven't been in some kind of on and off long term affair from the very beginning.

 

I would be very worried if I were you. Very worried.

 

It is NOT unusual for the kind of scenario you have described--promiscuous woman who "settles" for beta/provider husband, introduced by "family friend/ex boy friend," who hangs around for the entire marriage, for the promiscuous woman and her "ex" boyfriend to maintain a very long term affair behind the backs of their respective spouses.

 

The attraction between old flames/"firsts", especially if there is a past history of promiscuity and the wife is withholding sexually and feels she has "settled"--is almost irresistible.

 

If you haven't done so already, it's time for you to go into deep cover "snoop" mode. Play your cards very close to the vest, and DON'T let your wife know you are snooping on her. You may need to get professional assistance such as a private investigator.

 

I feel very bad for you because I feel you are on the road to getting severely blind sided by all of what I fear to be true on your behalf. I'm sorry if this is making you paranoid but everything you've said about your relationship is almost identical to other guys who have posted here only to find out about their wives cheating on them during the marriage, often long term affairs, often with the "ex" boyfriend/lover who has been "orbiting" the marriage for the entire length of it.

 

Also be prepared for some of the posters to attempt to dissaude you from the above possibilities by saying I am bitter, it would be paranoid, it's all in the past, (you know like sally tried to do but you were onto that tactic).

 

You are headed into the Mother of All Sh*tstorms.

 

I hope I am wrong but consider my post your Early Warning Alert as to said sh*tstorm.

 

Some relevant stuff from your post:

 

 

 

 

She lied about her relationship with her ex not just when first introduced, but for your entire marriage. And obviously HE has been lying about it too. That's "cheating behavior." You have no idea that she's suddenly telling you the WHOLE truth at this time, and it's very unlikely she is.

 

It's great that the guy lives far away limiting the contact, but that doesn't mean they haven't been cheating on you. What is the reason for the periodic "social contact" if he lives far away? Also people can have emotional affairs long distance using cell phones and the internet. That's cheating, too. And people who have these kind of affairs will buy plane tickets across the country just to meet for a two hour tryst every year or so at the airport hotel.

 

Whose idea was this "vacation" anyway, with the wife's ex and his spouse?

 

I can't imagine it was YOUR idea.

 

Some would, in fact, call Abelincoln paranoid. But the fact is that he's right in so many spots.

 

Women are, by nature, more sexually unhinibited than men. The fact that she had such a "colourful" lifestyle with others and then turned it to "vanilla" with you... well: that's not good news.

 

Women get wild with guys they feel passion with. I mean really wild.

 

Yes: I true believe she has settled for you. After living the whore lifestyle for a time she then wanted to try the "perfect housewife fantasy".

 

Alas: fantasy never lasts long. Her wild sexual nature is probably her core nature. In fact, the way we live our sexuality and intimacy can say a lot about our nature.

 

I too think she sometimes had to let her wild side go free again.

 

Besides, your gut is telling you something, isn't it? Or maybe I'm just paranoid, too.

[KungFuJoe]

Tough situation, op. I didn't know you had other problems in your marriage other than what you mentioned here. But I did want to say one thing.

 

50 is most likely...around 50. That whole "women 1/3 and men triple their numbers is complete bs". She may have lost count somewhere but I'm pretty sure her number is close to what she said. Simply because NO WOMAN would lie and say 50. She would have lied and said 10 or 20 or some lower number.

[sally4sara]

sally4sara: You are bringing your own issues here and are no help. "Here it is 16 years later and NOW it occurred to you to want to know all? And what do you do with this new knowledge? You jump right in to judgments." Well, no, I have been trying to get her to talk for over a decade. Now that she is, and that I - not without cause - am having a hard time with the answers, I am trying to process the information and so am asking for help. No recriminations have come from me, I am gingerly picking my way.

 

Eh no. I have not been in a relationship where I hid things from who I was seeing nor spent 16 years with someone and found out something hidden after so long. You story is not similar to my life in any way other than I've been lied to. Have we not all been lied to at some point? But for me, the experience of knowing someone for 16 year or similar length of time only to then find truth or being the person to hide a secret so long is not one I have been through.

But you can ignore what I suggested and believe otherwise. I just know the nature of what motivates different people to lie. Its often a power struggle. Lying to someone is to recognize they have a power over you and you fear it. I don't give that power to or recognize my peers as people who have power over me. The cops or an employer? Sure. But if your wife had to learn to lie as a child to have some sense of control over what might happen to her it can be a hard thing to get over till you realize you're GIVING power over yourself away when you lie to people in personal relationships. Just something to think about was all I offered. Sorry it offended you so deeply.

[2sunny]

I think you're tired because you keep chasing HEAr truth and she keeps changing it.

 

That would be exhausting for anyone - especially 16 years of it.

 

Does she state now why sex has been so boring over the past years? Is she open to change now?

[sally4sara]

I might have the wrong poster, but I believe you've posted elsewhere about a fairly promiscuous past and also that you don't believe it's your h's business what you did or who you did it with, and you tend to mock anyone who believes that their partner's sexual history (in a marriage or serious relationship) is any of their business.

 

Yeah you must have the wrong poster because I never had to hide anything from my husband or any of my relationship partners. I don't believe everything someone does is the full business of everyone they start dating but yeah I do think its important to have free exchange with someone you intend to build a life with. Big difference between refraining from telling your life's story on the second date and refraining from telling your life's story to someone who intends to through their lot in with yours.

 

A bunch of irrelevant words based on false assumption about who I am

 

I didn't bother with the rest as it was all based on you either confusing me with someone else or making assumptions my level of integrity wouldn't have happening. I have not one single secret kept about my past from my husband and never have. I wouldn't get married to someone if I had to hide myself from them. That's all the clarification you deserve out of me.

 

If you can read, most of what I initially wrote to the OP was questions. A question mark is a symbol kind of like an s left unfinished with a dot under it and it is used to gather information rather than make accusation or dish out criticism. It would be nice if you could deal with people without making so many accusations of your own. Now if you don't mind, I didn't address you and don't intend to again. It is clear you don't get what I was saying about what motivates some people to lie. They might have adult education classes in your area to help you brush up on reading and sentence structure.

Edited September 10, 2012 by sally4sara

[carhill]

Frankly, I'd find the confluence of this new-found 'intimacy', renewed 'libido' and sexual 'revelation' to be alarming. You and she are 48. Something's afoot. Try this: 'I'd like to explore my feelings about your recent revelations and continue to build more intimacy and enjoy more sex. I'd like to get some professional help with that. Will you join me?' Honestly, considering my marital and divorce experiences, my first response to such a surprise on all fronts would be to contact our old MC.

 

IMO, what you are sharing, in totality, is a huge change in your marriage. A starting point. Where the ball rolls depends on next steps. Once each step is taken it is difficult to erase it. Good luck.

[2sunny]

Frankly, I'd find the confluence of this new-found 'intimacy', renewed 'libido' and sexual 'revelation' to be alarming. You and she are 48. Something's afoot. Try this: 'I'd like to explore my feelings about your recent revelations and continue to build more intimacy and enjoy more sex. I'd like to get some professional help with that. Will you join me?' Honestly, considering my marital and divorce experiences, my first response to such a surprise on all fronts would be to contact our old MC.

 

IMO, what you are sharing, in totality, is a huge change in your marriage. A starting point. Where the ball rolls depends on next steps. Once each step is taken it is difficult to erase it. Good luck.

 

I would find all the new info suspicious - given the history of the W with holding info AND intimacy AND sex within the M.

 

On his other thread I found it EXTREMELY alarming that his W was clinging to her therapist as one would when having an affair and trying to end it... Looked much as she was ending her affair with GREAT reluctance.

 

Maybe you've never REALLY known your wife?

 

It's time to ask her to reveal her authentic self with more of her truth.

[sally4sara]

OP, in reading your other thread about your wife being in therapy for so long - do you think maybe she was using it to put in work on being able to be more forthcoming? Or do you think it is only now, due to having no therapist for her outlet that she is sharing more of who she is with you?

 

I read she was often insulting and would undermine you in front of the kids. Is this possibly due to not feeling like you would be receptive to what she might share and it breeding some level of resentment towards you? It in of itself would be of no justification for her doing so, only that you repeatedly mentioned that she would talk to you about only surfacy things rather than anything with real meat to it. Combine that with the on going therapy where she no doubt had to talk about more than the weather - it just speaks to me of her perceiving you to not be someone she could trust with what she might share. I do not know if this would be an earned perception or not; it could easily be due to childhood scars leaving her fearful of anyone who could have a great effect on her day to day life.

 

It is a sad thing but often it is who we rely on the most and who has the largest role in our life ending up the one outside looking in while others with less capability for the same get included for being seen as less of a threat.

[sally4sara]

So the idea is that his wife thought he wouldn't be receptive to her telling the OP the real truth about how she felt about him; yet she thought he would be receptive to being insulted and demeaned by her for the entire marriage? And somehow that would be his fault, because in her mind, she resented him for possibly not reacting like a complete doormat to being told whatever the truth really is?

 

Nice how you cut out that I said it would not serve as justification for her behavior.

Are you really so afraid of the OP being his own man while looking though other people's posts? You seem worried that he might not become your little cyber puppet so you can feel important if you don't attack less vengeful and suspicious input. It is his life you know. You can puff yourself up selfishly and trash up the thread and then walk away but he is living this so he has much more to consider and much more at stake than you.

[Sauron]

50 is promiscous? I read the average female has 9 partners and I question that as well. What do the numbers mean, someone had lots of sex, drugs and rock and roll. Big deal, I like expierenced women that know what to do in bed. They didn't get that way by reading cosmo and listening to Dr. Ruth, who cares about numbers. Sheesh!

[2sunny]

50 is promiscous? I read the average female has 9 partners and I question that as well. What do the numbers mean, someone had lots of sex, drugs and rock and roll. Big deal, I like expierenced women that know what to do in bed. They didn't get that way by reading cosmo and listening to Dr. Ruth, who cares about numbers. Sheesh!

 

Yes, while that may be true for some women - HIS wife only seemed to serve up 'vanilla sex' to him over their years together. That is concerning...

[2sure]

My number is no ones business. I would not be interested in the type of man who would want an answer, husband or not.

 

There is nowhere good for that conversation to go. Someone always feels bad or slighted, or judgmental, etc.

 

Women lie about that number more than anything else.

But now that you know the truth..she sounds freer.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

After sixteen years of marriage and two children, only in the last six weeks has my wife opened up to actually talk with me about anything except everyday stuff. Should you be curious about what prevented communication and what I did to make it happen, there's another thread about that.

 

The talking has been going well. I always wanted it and now it's going feel I have no choice but to try to know her mind on everything under the sun, else risk being blindsided again.

 

Better yet, all this sharing has helped create intimacy, and as a by-product we've been having a lot more sex. That's good, and I've been wanting to make it even better by asking my wife what she really truly likes best in bed, as up until recently it's all been straight vanilla missionary.

 

To get to the point, in my humble quest for knowledge, I asked my wife how many partners she had before marriage, and who was her first. The answers to both were ... quite a surprise. I am trying to take it on the chin here but quite honestly I am having a bit of difficulty with the answers.

 

As for number of partners: fifty. And two threesomes.

 

My reaction to that? Well partly to damn myself for a fool for asking. But mostly kind of, oh ****. Of course I knew she'd had relationships - we married at 32 - but I had somehow assumed that hers were somehow like my relatively mere eight (which bar two were serial serious relationships). Well, she was young and attractive and getting hit on, and it was before I knew her, so it would be ridiculous to feel hard done by. But it does rather bother me that our histories are so different.

 

I realize, the surprise is entirely my fault for not having asked before we were married, or for asking at all without being better prepared for the answer. I'm also thinking, at least I should have asked for her number first then, I don't know, tripled my number or just winked mysteriously at her when it was my turn to fess up. What a dope.

 

But the more I think about this, the less it bothers me: she was young and hot. Considering her basket of other emotional issues, I even suppose a period of promiscuity should not surprise. I responded "Gee, that's ...quite a lot. But thank you for being honest with me." and we had sex again. So, I am telling myself, get over it.

 

The answer to the other question bothers me much, much more. Turns out her first was the guy who introduced us, - we have met regularly socially throughout our marriage, and he is now married himself. Now, I knew that he was a former boyfriend. But I also remember asking way back, feeling a bit uncomfortable for some reason around him, asking whether he was her first, and she said no. Turns out he is. Now he is a fine fellow, I owe him for the introduction, and he lives far away. But we recently met up and formed vague plans to go, as two married couples, on vacation together. Can't see that happening, the way I'm feeling now.

 

I really don't want to beat her up about it, especially as what I want to do is get her to talk to me honestly about stuff, and she is doing it. But I mind about the lie, feel a loss of intimacy and want to make it clear to her, that it is the lie that bothers me rather than anything else. She says, she just did not want to cause upset and appears to regard it as no big deal.

 

Any advice people? To help me process this stuff and also make my point.

 

I understand the reaction of women to this issue is different - so what do you think ladies?

 

BTW I think I need to lighten up so feel free, make some fun also, I feel like a prize idiot here.

 

 

Firstly, I missed the cause for why you directed your interest here at "ladies" where it concerns opinions and thoughts.

 

I was most moved by some of your sincere consideration in light of how society seems to apply ONE standard to everyone, making zero allowances for "hot" women who get scores more invitations than do any other subset of humanity. And for such a woman, TWO threesomes amid 50 partners is NOTHING, and shouldn't even be reflected upon, particularly since other couples would tend to favor a "hot woman" for a third.

 

As for who was her "first"... I don't even think the specifics of THAT really matter beyond whether somebody in the present had been with her sexually, at any point in the order.

 

IF you can recreate the distant past AND see that she was clearly trying to arrange something with him, outside of your marriage, when she lied about him (or avoided the truth)... then OK, continue down this no-win path that is trying to call her out for the past. Otherwise, let the lie fade away as the next-to-nothing it really might have been.

 

No matter the case, 50% of the blame for SIXTEEN YEARS of minimal communication with a spouse falls on your shoulders. That you are making serious progress now comes as no surprise, AND seems further reason to just minimalize the present-day effects of the past.

 

I HOPE that you can and will arrive at a place in your mind where the reality that had 'HIM' her first partner, and their still passing through one another's lives now and again, will be on par with a stepfather who shares his step-children with a wife whose ex-husband is still a steady presence in the lives of his children, and consequently in the stepfather's life too. Clearly whether the biological father was the wife's "first (sexual partner)" means absolutely nothing in such scenarios.

 

Your number relative to hers means exactly NOTHING, so stop trying to compare the two while thinking you're figuring out the "right" number you should have offered (you were gonna lie, yet you want to condemn her for lying).

 

All in all, you have some great momentum going forward, and you should really continue on with the communication, and that means RESISTING being a critic or a pouting husband at every opportunity.

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[SoMovinOn]

My rule is never ask a question to which you may not want to know the answer. The past is gone. It's best left in the past.

[2sunny]

My rule is never ask a question to which you may not want to know the answer. The past is gone. It's best left in the past.

 

There's nothing wrong with expecting truth from his wife.

 

Suggesting he should betray himself by not asking for her truth isn't a healthy suggestion.