Staying Married for money

[Sauron]

Ok, I am staying in my marriage of 30 plus years because I don't want to split half of everything I worked my ass off for. Shallow, perhaps. We get along OK, but its never been great. I have not been a perfect husband but excelled in all other areas, provider, father, etc. I have some relationships on the side, my story is over in the infidelity section if anyone cares to read it. So is there anybody else staying for money or some other reason? Just curious, thank you in advance.

[Furious]

Ok, I am staying in my marriage of 30 plus years because I don't want to split half of everything I worked my ass off for. Shallow, perhaps. We get along OK, but its never been great. I have not been a perfect husband but excelled in all other areas, provider, father, etc. I have some relationships on the side, my story is over in the infidelity section if anyone cares to read it. So is there anybody else staying for money or some other reason? Just curious, thank you in advance.

 

 

Hi Sauron

 

Would your standard of living drop substantially if you were to divorce?

[Sauron]

Hi Sauron

 

Would your standard of living drop substantially if you were to divorce?

 

Yes. Not that she doesn't deserve it, the whole works better than the half.

[Gunny376]

As is commonly known ~ approximately half of all first time marriages end in divorce. What of the other half?

 

Only about thirteen percent of those attest to being happliy married. The other thrity-seven percent? They're staying married because of the status quo, because of the children, because of what would the family and friends think or say? And yes because of finances.

 

Per my experience in living in Japan for four years, its expected that "Papa San" is going to go out and party, have his women friends on the side (For the record Geshia girls ARE NOT prostitutes! Thank you very much! Some no doubt are ~ but most are more akin to professional entertainers / hostesses) Mama San understands this as a given ~ just as long as Papa San brings home the Yen and takes care of and provides for the family. (I apoligize in advance for my use of words ~ I don't mean to be degrading nor insulting to anyone. I have a VERY HIGH admiration to the Japanesse people, their culture, history, and traditons)

 

The key element and difference is "Openess" and honesty about what is going on. Its the lies, deception, dishonesty etc that ruins marriages.

[Furious]

Yes. Not that she doesn't deserve it, the whole works better than the half.

 

I would think that your freedom would be priceless, if you were to live comfortably with half, wouldn't that be preferable to being unhappy in your marriage.

[CarrieT]

Wouldn't that be preferable to being unhappy in your marriage.

 

From what I read, he is not unhappy. They "get along ok" and he is having his cake and eating it too. I've known lots of men like him, I'm sorry to say.

[William]

Hello from moderation. Stage three. If a poster has stayed in a marriage, for money or another reason, which would customarily would or one felt a desire to end in divorce , feel free to add your own experiences. Avoid off-topic and inflammatory comments about other members. Thanks.

[Mount]

Sauron - don't beat up yourself, I remembered your previous post that your OW is aware that you don't intend to leave marriage as well and she is fine with that. Guess it is both of your choices so it is the status and where you want to be. So be it.

 

[Sauron]

From what I read, he is not unhappy. They "get along ok" and he is having his cake and eating it too. I've known lots of men like him, I'm sorry to say.

 

Look, you think I am doing something despicable, fine I never said otherwise, it works for me. Apparently I have not articulated very well. My wife is the happiest she has been in 30 years, does she stick her head in the sand, yes. That is her way of dealing with everything. I have a 30 plus year marriage with her, and while you all probably don't get it, I love her for a lot of reasons, does she meet all my needs, no way. I have OW, that is the perfect OW, she pretty much meets all the sex and companionship needs, doesn't want a full time realtionship, nor do I want one with her. I take care of her and I am fortunate that I can. I ended up at LS through a Google search about the psychology of the OW out my own intellectual curiosity.

 

You can be critical of me, but it is not an all or nothing deal. The other issue is where we all are in out lives, plus 50. So getting divorced right now is not an option, so I manage things very carefully, I mean its been almost 7 years. So I am curious if there are other people in the same boat. Hanging in their and making do however they can.

 

I also lurked around LS for the better part of a year. Some THE club of women posters and some men are very black and white, I would call them traditionalists, and they think they have all the answers. They do not and they are taking very complex relationship issues and speaking like their is only one way, there is not only one way.

[Greznog]

I've never understood why so many people have a problem with this, for example while I look decent and work out regularly i, quite simply, am not a Greek God. Likewise the best wife/mother material women aren't always the hottest. Why do people have this major issue with having people on the side? I could bang my secretary and she could get herself serviced by a sexual stallion.

 

Meanwhile she could enjoy the financial stability to raise a dynasty with and I could enjoy some nice cooking and a good mother for my children. I'd say most relationships would fare perfectly fine long term if people didn't stubbornly hold on to this idea that one person has to check every single box.

[SandRat]

Hi, I'm new to the forum and interestingly enough just last night I told my wife of over 30 years that I want a divorce.

 

We have two wonderful adult daughters that are almost total successes and we have done fairly well for the past 30 years.

 

We've just grown apart and I have other "interests" that I want to pursue but I'm not willing to be a cheater at this point. I've done it in the past and not only was it not fair to my wife but it was very unsatisfying. I want to do the honorable thing. I told her as much.

 

When I told her last night her only worry was "the bills". Funny, she wasn't all broken up about it but she was only worried about the bills. Any way, I had to explain to her why the money issues were not reason enough for us to stay together. I don't care how many bills you pay off you're still not going to be happy with your spouse.

 

For her, it is her only way of keeping us together now. We don't have children to keep us together, we don't love each other any more, at least not like we used to or should.

 

So really, the bills are not a good enough reason to stay together. I recommend against it.

[carhill]

I did this for a few years and one can gather the gist of my perspective exiting that process in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/181623-getting-married-staying-married-todays-economy

 

Would I do it again? Nope. One, I discharged my responsibility to the focus of why I remained. Two, I'll have a pre-nup.

[so_difficult]

I don't know if it's so wrong. Throughout history all over the world marriage is a financial arrangement. If you're ok with it and she's ok with it, then what does it matter what anyone here thinks?

 

Although it sounds like you have a life on the side she doesn't know about. If that's the case then she may have her head in the sand but I'd bet you're doing your best to keep her head there, and the whole thing may very well blow up one day. Then two partners are agreeing to completely different things. (not that I've read your story so I could be off-base)

[Sauron]

Thank you all for your replies.

[Kelemvor]

Sauron,

 

I appreciate your honesty and candor. It's not an easy question to answer and likely depends on many variables as well as what equates to your own personal happiness. For some... the major variable is financial comfort and security, for others... there are more psychological and emotional components.

 

For myself... I'm getting a divorce early, as I didn't want to end up in the position that you now find yourself in. Sure, splitting the finances after 30 years of marriage will be difficult and painful, but then again, if you aren't near retirement and your kids are mostly grown, then you stand to lose less than you would otherwise.

 

The reality is that you are looking at lifetime alimony if your wife were to never find anyone else, or decided not to marry again. However, plenty of men are willing to deal with that to "start over" so to speak.

 

If you care about her... you probably should consider other things such as... what would happen if she were to ever find out about your woman or women on the side over the years. If she found out say... right after retirement. That's a bit cruel as she will likely feel as if she deserved to know this information a long time ago to give her time to find someone else and you've robbed that from her. I'm ending my short marriage for various reasons but not mentioning the infidelity because it wasn't the cause, and would likely only add to an already painful situation for her, and she would likely blame herself for the affair back when it happened. If I had decided to stay in the marriage and give it a shot... I would have told her as I would think that she deserved full disclosure in order to make an informed decision.

 

Either way, you're really not living a marriage, or rather... you're only living a legal marriage. If you're fine with that, and have no desire to find someone else or ever get married again, and don't care taking the risk that your wife will find out and divorce you for adultery vs irreconcilable differences, then go for it. However, that's what also could happen. If she found out, suing you for adultery would probably end up in a bigger payout. You take a risk either way. She can also sue your OW for alienation of affairs in some states.

 

My advice? The statistics show more than enough people divorce after lengthy marriages and do just fine. Yes, you'll have less money, but if you need the freedom, have a relatively good and stable income, and don't like the idea of taking on legal risk by continuing your affairs, along with being unnecessarily cruel to your wife by maintaining the veneer of a true marriage, then you should probably seek divorce or at least discuss it with your wife.

 

30 years is a long time. You never know.. she might feel exactly the same way that you do.

 

Pick both scenarios and imagine where you want to be in 10 years.

[Sauron]

Sauron,

 

I appreciate your honesty and candor. It's not an easy question to answer and likely depends on many variables as well as what equates to your own personal happiness. For some... the major variable is financial comfort and security, for others... there are more psychological and emotional components.

 

For myself... I'm getting a divorce early, as I didn't want to end up in the position that you now find yourself in. Sure, splitting the finances after 30 years of marriage will be difficult and painful, but then again, if you aren't near retirement and your kids are mostly grown, then you stand to lose less than you would otherwise.

 

The reality is that you are looking at lifetime alimony if your wife were to never find anyone else, or decided not to marry again. However, plenty of men are willing to deal with that to "start over" so to speak.

 

If you care about her... you probably should consider other things such as... what would happen if she were to ever find out about your woman or women on the side over the years. If she found out say... right after retirement. That's a bit cruel as she will likely feel as if she deserved to know this information a long time ago to give her time to find someone else and you've robbed that from her. I'm ending my short marriage for various reasons but not mentioning the infidelity because it wasn't the cause, and would likely only add to an already painful situation for her, and she would likely blame herself for the affair back when it happened. If I had decided to stay in the marriage and give it a shot... I would have told her as I would think that she deserved full disclosure in order to make an informed decision.

 

Either way, you're really not living a marriage, or rather... you're only living a legal marriage. If you're fine with that, and have no desire to find someone else or ever get married again, and don't care taking the risk that your wife will find out and divorce you for adultery vs irreconcilable differences, then go for it. However, that's what also could happen. If she found out, suing you for adultery would probably end up in a bigger payout. You take a risk either way. She can also sue your OW for alienation of affairs in some states.

 

My advice? The statistics show more than enough people divorce after lengthy marriages and do just fine. Yes, you'll have less money, but if you need the freedom, have a relatively good and stable income, and don't like the idea of taking on legal risk by continuing your affairs, along with being unnecessarily cruel to your wife by maintaining the veneer of a true marriage, then you should probably seek divorce or at least discuss it with your wife.

 

30 years is a long time. You never know.. she might feel exactly the same way that you do.

 

Pick both scenarios and imagine where you want to be in 10 years.

 

Thanks. I have done a bit of research and talked with some lawyer buddies in my state. The most I am looking at is half regardless of the circumstances. My wife is happy so unless it surfaces it is what it for now. I have strategy and plan to deal with it. I am playing the odds a bit, and I know it could blow up any moment (which is a small elelment that adds to it for me), however I am very detailed oriented and manage the process actively.

[standtall]

 

Per my experience in living in Japan for four years, its expected that "Papa San" is going to go out and party, have his women friends on the side (For the record Geshia girls ARE NOT prostitutes! Thank you very much! Some no doubt are ~ but most are more akin to professional entertainers / hostesses)

 

 

Wow..that part of the paragraph completely contradicts itself. As to the rest of your post gunny, what you are describing is "marriage" in the loosest sense. Not exactly what is going on with the OP as it is not an expected part of his culture.

[amaysngrace]

You have to do what works for you. It's your life and you only have one. If you're okay with yourself at the end of the day then who am I to judge?

 

But if you aren't okay with it on some level, then you're going to need to fix that.

[strongnrelaxed]

As is commonly known ~ approximately half of all first time marriages end in divorce. What of the other half?

 

Only about thirteen percent of those attest to being happliy married. The other thrity-seven percent? They're staying married because of the status quo, because of the children, because of what would the family and friends think or say? And yes because of finances.

 

Per my experience in living in Japan for four years, its expected that "Papa San" is going to go out and party, have his women friends on the side (For the record Geshia girls ARE NOT prostitutes! Thank you very much! Some no doubt are ~ but most are more akin to professional entertainers / hostesses) Mama San understands this as a given ~ just as long as Papa San brings home the Yen and takes care of and provides for the family. (I apoligize in advance for my use of words ~ I don't mean to be degrading nor insulting to anyone. I have a VERY HIGH admiration to the Japanesse people, their culture, history, and traditons)

 

The key element and difference is "Openess" and honesty about what is going on. Its the lies, deception, dishonesty etc that ruins marriages.

 

Gunny! You salty bastard. I was in from 1985-1989 got out as a Corporal. I also spent a year in Camp Hansen in Kinville. Yes, there are different norms there. But also in other cultures.

 

Staying married seems like hell to me. My wife could not just let me be. I don't mean let me cheat, but she was on my ass 24x7 stalking me, etc. It was a bizarre situation. I would up leaving when she started showing signs of "changing". I can let a few things slide, but she went over the line.

 

OP - I am an old school man and feel strongly that you have to give each other a F-ing break. If your woman cannot do this you should bail. If she gives you as much space as it appears that she does, then you are in good shape and you might be ok. But keep this in mind. If you are cheating then I can guarantee you with nearly 100% cetainty that she knows about it. And the day that this becomes unbearable to her, she will take YOUR a$$ to court and you will lose everything.

 

I would recommend that you speak with a lawyer secretly to map out what that would look like. I can tell you it ain't pretty Mr.

 

Better to be the steamroller than the pavement.

[strongnrelaxed]

can you be even more conceited about yourself? but at the same time.... asking for help on a divorce forum?

 

 

Condratiction is doing my head in right now.

 

One of my testicles agree`s with you ..as in as...you should carry on regardless

 

The other`s saying... where the f**k has my better half gone???

 

 

You really need ANY of us to tell you what to do when you already know yourself??

 

 

You keep eating your (wedding) cake and enjoying it..

 

 

jeeeez

 

This is the sort of response that makes such adult conversations difficult. I am not saying that one should hold back dissenting opinions, but calling the OP conceited is against the community guidelines. It is also very unmanly in my opinion.

 

Men sometimes need to get the advice of other men. They do not always have a house with a white picket fence and a wise dad there for them. Or maybe they do, but they want another perspective.

 

But either way, shaming language is a very female thing to do and makes it more likely that other men will remain silent and not reach out for the advice they need.

 

Are you really proud of your comment Coop? Are you not a better man that this?

[Sauron]

I agree about being the steam roller rather than the pavement. I have a plan and resources in the appropriate places. I am used to the deragatory comments here, not many women and/or men like my lifestyle. Not sure if my wife knows or not, if she does she probably rationalizied it away.

[Sauron]

can you be even more conceited about yourself? but at the same time.... asking for help on a divorce forum?

 

 

Condratiction is doing my head in right now.

 

One of my testicles agree`s with you ..as in as...you should carry on regardless

 

The other`s saying... where the f**k has my better half gone???

 

 

You really need ANY of us to tell you what to do when you already know yourself??

 

 

You keep eating your (wedding) cake and enjoying it..

 

 

jeeeez

 

 

Uh not asking for help, just curious if anyone is styaing in a marriage for material reasons. Well, I am selfish, shallow and I suppose conceited too, but all the women in my life are happy, plus me too. No wedding cake, just a civil ceremony.

[CptSaveAho]

Sauron,

 

It's almost like you're playing a game of chess and have different moves planned ahead for her possible moves.

 

Deep down it seems like you know what you're doing is wrong but you don't want to come out a loser, so you stay in the game trying for a stalemate instead of just knocking over your king and resetting the board for a whole new game.

 

You're not satisfied with your marriage but you continue to stay in it because you dont want to lose. It's irrational and narcissistic. Emotionally healthy people do not do this. You say you love your wife, most emotionally healthy people would let them go but you don't because you dont want to lose money when you're the one partaking in the crimes.

 

This thread is proof that you are seeking validation for something you know is wrong so you are looking for other irrational people to validate it. Most people that pull the "black and white" line are the people that are DEEEEEEEEP in the black and trying to find a way to make it more grey.

 

If I wasn't satisfied in a relationship/marriage, I would walk at whatever cost and I have done it before.

 

You have validated the saying "having your cake and eating it too"

[CarrieT]

Not sure if my wife knows or not, if she does she probably rationalizied it away.

 

This is what is sad for me. You won't even tell her the honesty of your actions and let her make the decision if she would want to stay with you or not.

 

Why is that?

[Sauron]

Sauron,

 

It's almost like you're playing a game of chess and have different moves planned ahead for her possible moves.

 

Deep down it seems like you know what you're doing is wrong but you don't want to come out a loser, so you stay in the game trying for a stalemate instead of just knocking over your king and resetting the board for a whole new game.

 

You're not satisfied with your marriage but you continue to stay in it because you dont want to lose. It's irrational and narcissistic. Emotionally healthy people do not do this. You say you love your wife, most emotionally healthy people would let them go but you don't because you dont want to lose money when you're the one partaking in the crimes.

 

 

 

 

 

This thread is proof that you are seeking validation for something you know is wrong so you are looking for other irrational people to validate it. Most people that pull the "black and white" line are the people that are DEEEEEEEEP in the black and trying to find a way to make it more grey.

 

If I wasn't satisfied in a relationship/marriage, I would walk at whatever cost and I have done it before.

 

You have validated the saying "having your cake and eating it too"

 

 

Another one. Uhhh you must have no issue walking away from half your assets for your happiness, I have my happiness just wanted to see if anyone here was doing the same, apparently you are all broke from getting divorced, why I am avoiding as long as I can. It is not a trivial amount of money, not to mention she had zero to do with building it.