All are welcome RE: evidence

[Emme]

Background:

Me BS 34

SO WH 37

her MOW 34

 

EA online via facebook, videos, pics and emails. Lasting a total of 1 yr. With multiple attempts to go NC prior to being caught. I found all evidence about 8 months after the last conversation. WH's Dday was a little over two months ago.

 

I have confronted my WH. We are reconciling. I cannot find any contact between him the the OW since 09/11. I have talked with the OW's BS and so has my WH. Lots of information was gathered and all of it sorted through. Here is where you guys come in, both BS and WS. I have been asked by OW's BH to delete all the videos and pics she sent him. There are multiple videos of her masturbating. The pics are of breasts and Vjay with toys. All confirmed by her BH to be her body parts. I have placed them in a folder to never be accessed unless they break NC. I did tell her that I will use them to my advantage should she ever call, text or email my WH again.

 

So do I delete as requested or keep them until I feel we are beyond the affair?

 

The husband made a request to you directly. I am not aware if her face are in the videos. What I don't understand is what is the purpose of keeping them. When you say the word advantage are you only referring to using them in the event of a divorce. Are they needed is the question. He committed adultery use what you can now to have something written up that if he cheats on you again you will gain what you think you deserve.

 

The way that your thinking those media formats will protect you to recovering your marriage says a lot. You holding on to those images is you holding on to the a past. You have to move forward and let it go. Your statement is as though you plan on keeping them forever.

 

If by any chance you are thinking of using those images other than for your divorce be careful. For every action there is a reaction. If you are not prepared to lose your life as a result of destroying her image... don't go there. All your doing is throwing gas on a dim flame.

[Summer Breeze]

I'm assuming nothing shows her face. That's what it sounds like from the posts. What good is that going to do you in a D? I doubt any judge is going to say well those look like your boobs, or maybe ask her to drop her pants to check her vagina. I'm sorry but from what you've said I can't see where the video or photos are going to do you any good at all. The texts and emails probably because you could tie in specific details but I don't see where some ambiguous vids and pics are going to give you much leverage.

 

Now to the next thing on my mind. If you feel you need to go to those lengths that you want to have some sort of leverage that NC stays in place then what on earth are you doing with him still?

 

And the last thing is the BS on the other side. He's the one who asked you to destroy the stuff. Someone said something about he's looking out for his M and you need to look out for yours. Sorry but you're holding onto the power to destroy not only his M but his own dignity as well. That is if anyone can identify her in photos and videos.

 

I agree with the poster that says if you ever release the stuff and it can be identified you'll be the one who looks like a lunatic. If you let it loose 2 years down the line because NC has been broken you'll look bad and most people would wonder why you'd stayed with him if you trusted him so little to hold onto that stuff. It's a no win situation for you in my eyes.

 

I am really sorry you're hurting and I do hope your WH is sincere and you make it through.

[SidLyon]

Re the latest posts.

 

I was assuming it was some sort "insurance" against the OW if she breaches NC rather than against the WH for his breaches of NC. How could publishing the photos damage him anyway. I agree it's not much use against him.

 

Surely it's to keep the OW in line not him.

 

Perhaps the last couple of posts are from OW or FOW who are misinterpreting or misunderstanding?

[Summer Breeze]

Re the latest posts.

 

I was assuming it was some sort "insurance" against the OW if she breaches NC rather than against the WH for his breaches of NC. How could publishing the photos damage him anyway. I agree it's not much use against him.

 

Surely it's to keep the OW in line not him.

 

Perhaps the last couple of posts are from OW or FOW who are misinterpreting or misunderstanding?

 

My response was from a BS who left her WH because I never wanted to live in a world where I had to collect evidence to keep anyone in line whether it be WH or his OW. If she trusts her WH and is sure he's done with the OW then what does it matter what she does? If the OWs face isn't in any of the photos or videos what good does it do anyway? At the end of the day if you're sure your WH isn't going to start things up then you shouldn't be worried about anything she does.

[LadyElaine]

Two questions: do you think people would wonder why you have those videos and why you are posting them? Also, what punishment has your husband received?

 

Who cares? What a reconciling spouse is subject to and an unrepentant OW are not remotely the same. She deserves way more punishment just on that contrast.

 

In my experience no one but an OW or AP will fault a BS for any action that's within the law. All bets are off and they deserve far worse than they will ever get.

 

The only people with an interest in deletion are affair partners and those they dupe. Keep the evidence forever. Dont look at it as it will make you ill, but always keep it.

 

I will always keep it and if he cheats again or I get sick of reconciling then she doesn't get my discretion anymore and her emails, texts and photos go in a local paper with an article fashioned for maximum value. It could be 20 years from now, doesn't matter. I could decide to send them to her friends, family, new partner, kids, kids partners. Who knows what I might want to do. No option that's legal is off the table.

[LadyElaine]

And the last thing is the BS on the other side. He's the one who asked you to destroy the stuff. Someone said something about he's looking out for his M and you need to look out for yours. Sorry but you're holding onto the power to destroy not only his M but his own dignity as well. That is if anyone can identify her in photos and videos.

 

I agree with the poster that says if you ever release the stuff and it can be identified you'll be the one who looks like a lunatic. If you let it loose 2 years down the line because NC has been broken you'll look bad and most people would wonder why you'd stayed with him if you trusted him so little to hold onto that stuff. It's a no win situation for you in my eyes.

 

I am really sorry you're hurting and I do hope your WH is sincere and you make it through.

 

Spoken like a true other woman. I have humiliated Hs ex OW to people who didn't previously know me, people I approached and said "you are hiring this woman and you should know" or "you work with her and may be her next target". They were all shocked and disgusted with her behavior. She did not get 2 jobs as a result and the one she got she is on the outer. Now of course I can't say what they really think of me privately but they were very lovely to me and supportive and their actions spoke volumes. In the end I don't care if they take a negative view, they're nothing to me.

 

In my view a BS acting legally will never be judged badly when there's an affair.

[Summer Breeze]

Spoken like a true other woman. I have humiliated Hs ex OW to people who didn't previously know me, people I approached and said "you are hiring this woman and you should know" or "you work with her and may be her next target". They were all shocked and disgusted with her behavior. She did not get 2 jobs as a result and the one she got she is on the outer. Now of course I can't say what they really think of me privately but they were very lovely to me and supportive and their actions spoke volumes. In the end I don't care if they take a negative view, they're nothing to me.

 

In my view a BS acting legally will never be judged badly when there's an affair.

 

I'll refrain saying that your post was spoken like a true BS because in my mind there is no true anything. Every story is individual and it's not for me to tar anyone with any brush. I don't mind being tarred with brushes though because it normally makes the person doing the brushing feel more powerful or better about themselves.

 

I will stand by what I said. I personally wouldn't resort to humiliating anyone because in my mind it only humiliates you to be stooping to it. To me it looks no better than 2 teenage girls having a playground fight over a boy.

 

I was a BS years and years before I became a OW and I never gave my xHs OW any consideration. He cheated and it didn't matter who with. We all worked closely and I never said a word about it to anyone unless asked and then it was only about how I was doing. I had no need to badmouth either of them and I didn't. We all have different opinions and different ways of going about things though so what worked for me wouldn't for everyone else.

 

By the way. I would judge some things badly. I don't think being a BS gives cart blanch to do anything at any time for the rest of their natural life. My 2P.

Edited August 31, 2012 by Summer Breeze
Added

[losingmyground]

No they do not show her face. But for court purposes, they are still in the email format which was sent via her phone. That was how I found her phone number. There is one with her in lingerie which clearly shows her face. I do not want to keep them forever. Just until I feel safe. And I would never release them if my husband was to make contact with her. It was to keep her from contacting him. While I know that he did take part in the EA, I can see a pattern of her trying to get him to come back. Her husband did portray her a predator. The other BS even said she admitted to using her sexuality to entice multiple men at the same time. To the point that she was confused at to what she did with what person. The good news is she is a monogamous sexual intercourse affair partner. The bad news is she a serial "talker" and carries an STD. Again the information was given to me by her BS.

[GLDheart]

I agree with the others that are presenting the images as questionably useful.

 

Here's a good plan. CALL (do not do this in writing) the Other Woman (or her husband if you think he is more receptive). Tell her (again verbally only) that:

 

"I have had a change of heart and no longer want to keep these images. HOWEVER, I will only destroy these if you, grab a pen and take notes, write and sign me a letter stating that you are very sorry that you sent my husband videos of you masturbating and other pornographic images. Sign it. Date it. Mail it to me. Once I have that letter I will destroy ALL of the evidence. I want to move forward and put this aweful chapter behind me. I no longer want to be in posession of this foul images. The letter will replace them. This is not up for negotiation. I offer this option to destroy incriminating images to you only once. I am mailing either your letter or these images to my lawyer for safe keeping at the end of the week. Make your choice. Goodbye."

 

That signed/dated postmarked letter is FAR more useful in a court if push comes to shove.

[Summer Breeze]

I agree with the others that are presenting the images as questionably useful.

 

Here's a good plan. CALL (do not do this in writing) the Other Woman (or her husband if you think he is more receptive). Tell her (again verbally only) that:

 

"I have had a change of heart and no longer want to keep these images. HOWEVER, I will only destroy these if you, grab a pen and take notes, write and sign me a letter stating that you are very sorry that you sent my husband videos of you masturbating and other pornographic images. Sign it. Date it. Mail it to me. Once I have that letter I will destroy ALL of the evidence. I want to move forward and put this aweful chapter behind me. I no longer want to be in posession of this foul images. The letter will replace them. This is not up for negotiation. I offer this option to destroy incriminating images to you only once. I am mailing either your letter or these images to my lawyer for safe keeping at the end of the week. Make your choice. Goodbye."

 

That signed/dated postmarked letter is FAR more useful in a court if push comes to shove.

 

No offense but if I were the OW I'd tell her to keep them. In essence they're useless (photos and videos) if only 1 of them shows her face. If anyone comes at me with any sort of threat I meet it head on. I'd tell her to do her best and then see how it all goes. I'd probably tell her that once her H had supplied me with a similar letter then I might just give it a second thought.

[Emme]

I do not want to keep them forever. Just until I feel safe.

 

You not feeling safe now is the issue you should be focusing on more than those pictures. What if your until never comes. Then what. I see a lot of BS concerning themselves with the OW and I'm going to tell you that is not where you put your energy. You put your energy into making your marriage whole again. The more time you spend wondering and worrying you are distancing yourself from recovery. Rebuilding your marriage is your only focus. It's a choice you made.

 

It was to keep her from contacting him.

 

Here are the facts of life. You can not control anyone but yourself. People will do what they choose to do.

 

You can not control the OW

 

You can not control your H.

 

The only person you can control is yourself.

 

You have to accept those facts. If your husband wants a one way ticket to STD heaven call him a cab. You've made your demands the rest is up to him. This is his battle, let him fight. You don't fight for him.

[PhoenixRise]

Former investigative journalist here.....

 

NEVER throw out the evidence....NEVER.

 

You NEVER have to admit you NEVER threw it out, but DON't DO IT.

 

If wondering what you have or do not have keeps NC in place for life, let them all wonder.

 

Her BS is an innocent. I understand why a kind person would consider his request. He didn't masturbate and send pics and video to a MM. I get it.

 

But their marriage is their business. Your marriage is your business.

 

Tell him you never intend to use it as long as there is NC between them and you decide to keep reconciling, which after two months, you very well may be unsure of.

 

BUT NO, you are not throwing it out. Store it in a very safe spot. Tell no one.

 

Protect yourself first, your marriage second, your divorce third.

 

It IS all about you now and your future.

 

 

Keep the Pics and Vids.

 

KEEP THEM

 

I can understand why the other BH would want you to destroy the pics but your obligation right now is to yourself and to your marriage.

 

Don't give a second thought to what anybody thinks about where your state of mind should be.

 

Don't give a second thought to what anybody else thinks about what you keeping the Pics says about the state of your marriage.

 

What matters right now is that you are a mere 2 months past your dday and you feel that you should keep the Pics.

 

Nothing is more important right now than that you relearn how to trust your own feelings and instincts. Nothing.

 

Don't let anybody: Not her BH, not your WH, not people posting here..... talk/guilt you into doing something that you feel instinctively is not in your best interest.

[LadyElaine]

 

I was a BS years and years before I became a OW and I never gave my xHs OW any consideration. He cheated and it didn't matter who with. We all worked closely and I never said a word about it to anyone unless asked and then it was only about how I was doing. I had no need to badmouth either of them and I didn't. We all have different opinions and different ways of going about things though so what worked for me wouldn't for everyone else.

 

By the way. I would judge some things badly. I don't think being a BS gives cart blanch to do anything at any time for the rest of their natural life. My 2P.

 

I think that BS who let the OW off in their mind its sometimes because they unconsciously give themselves the option to be one. Why keep her secret? The Bs is never to blame, it makes one look ashamed they had a cheating spouse and the BS has nothing to be ashamed of.

 

We will just have to agree to disagree about carte blanche. I think we have that. We deserve it. They deserve the consequences. Of course people who deserve consequences never think they do.

 

I don't mind being told I speak like I true BS. That's the honorable role in this triangle. I wouldn't choose to be in an affair triangle but f I have to be then I'm proud I could only be a BS an never a WS or OW. Speaking like a true BS means that I speak with honor and morality that an unrepentent OW and WS can only aspire to one day. Thank you for the compliment.

[SidLyon]

One last thought for you,

Depending on where you live, posting those pictures anywhere without her expression written consent giving you the right to distribute them is illegal. You could face criminal, not to mention civil penalties.

It may be seen as libel, defamation of character and/or invasion of privacy to name a few.

Additionally you could be sued for damages in civil court. If the OW in your situation has half a brain in her head (and she may not who knows) or her BS does, you could find yourself in a LOT of trouble.

 

Either way, you have them... but I really think it's in your best interest to decide very carefully what you want to do with them. In some areas, it's actually against the law for you to even have them unless he actually handed them over to you, because that would be information that you obtained illegally. (Yes, in some areas spouses can be charged for hacking their partners email)

 

This may be true in some jurisdictions but it's worthless supposed "legal" advice for the OP as we don't know where she is and what legal rules might apply. I should know as I am legally qualified (admitted to the bar). I would suggest the OP does get some genuine legal advice is she's at all concerned about her possible future use of the material.

[SidLyon]

Absolutely, and that's why I suggested she be careful before she make any rash moves with it. I'm sure it would only be more complicated for her if she suddenly ended up in legal trouble because of something she may not have thought through. People that are hurting can make choices without research so I thought it was worth mentioning as no one else had done so.

 

Ok all's good.

 

I must admit I kinda like Abe's idea, get her to admit in some sort of legally admissible form, before destroying the images. Seek legal advice first though.

[SidLyon]

did you just eat your color tv?

 

No why?..............

[losingmyground]

Print them out and make a dartboard out of them, after all, she did like getting poked.

 

Thank you for making me laugh. I so needed that. They actually make me want to vomit, but that could be just because of the situation.

[Athena]

BS here, and I am a little shocked and horrified at all the advice which says for you to keep those pictures! What for?! There's nothing honorable nor moral about doing so. Ugh!

 

I found compromising photos of my h's OW and I did NOT keep the pics nor try threaten her with doing so... how shameful of you all to think crazy factor... I find it morally wrong to keep those private sexual pictures of her and try threaten her with them. It's weak. It's sick. It's wrong.

 

Seriously, I am taken aback by the responses.... there's NOTHING Lady-like about advice which says keep it to use it against her.

 

I hope, if you do keep them, that it bites you in the arse.

[losingmyground]

I am glad to hear such an unusual perspective. I

 

BS here, and I am a little shocked and horrified at all the advice which says for you to keep those pictures! What for?! There's nothing honorable nor moral about doing so. Ugh!

 

I did not tell her BS that I would delete the pictures therefore I have nothing to honor him about. As far as moral...I am not the one who took them and sent them. There was also nothing honorable or moral about her sending them to a MM. Right now, keeping them is my reminder to keep my eyes and ears peeled. I was blindsided by the affair. It will not happen to me again.

 

I found compromising photos of my h's OW and I did NOT keep the pics nor try threaten her with doing so... how shameful of you all to think crazy factor... I find it morally wrong to keep those private sexual pictures of her and try threaten her with them. It's weak. It's sick. It's wrong.

 

While I admit that I was weak when I threatened her, again I have stated that I was very angry at that point. The fact is, I have not used them in anyway or fashion against her, her BS or my WH. It might have been wrong, but so far it has worked. I am sure some would think it wrong that I told her BS after she said he knew, but guess what the truth is that he did not know. I also sent him everything. I did not take telling him lightly as they also have 3 young kids. In the end, we all needed the information.

 

Seriously, I am taken aback by the responses.... there's NOTHING Lady-like about advice which says keep it to use it against her.

 

There is also nothing lady like about recording your vagina and send it to MM or trying to hook up with him while your kids are home (her idea per email). Also, majority of the advice is to only keep the evidence in case of divorce on my part. Not to punish her.

 

I hope, if you do keep them, that it bites you in the arse.

 

The whole affair be me in the arse. Truth is I don't feel it was fair, but don't we always say life isn't fair.

[BetrayedH]

Sounds to me like you have chosen to keep them until you feel you don't need them and have also decided not to use them in a threatening fashion. Or are you still wrestling with it? The other suggestions (such as Abe's) where you get an admission from her are interesting but something tells me you don't want to increase your involvement/drama with them. Do you owe a response to the other BS? I guess I am asking what you have decided.

[losingmyground]

They are being kept, but not looked at. I am sure I will keep them until I spend at least 6 months not thinking about his affair. I will not take this forum or any other into account in the time frame, as this is to help me and others. I have not spoken with the OBS in about 2 weeks. We decided that no contact for everyone was best to work on both relationships.

[BetrayedH]

They are being kept, but not looked at. I am sure I will keep them until I spend at least 6 months not thinking about his affair. I will not take this forum or any other into account in the time frame, as this is to help me and others. I have not spoken with the OBS in about 2 weeks. We decided that no contact for everyone was best to work on both relationships.

 

Sounds healthy and balanced to me. Good luck with your healing and reconciliation.

[Summer Breeze]

I think that BS who let the OW off in their mind its sometimes because they unconsciously give themselves the option to be one. Why keep her secret? The Bs is never to blame, it makes one look ashamed they had a cheating spouse and the BS has nothing to be ashamed of.

That has to be it. More than 25 years ago when I took my preschooler and broke up our home and left behind my whole extended family because I wasn't going to put up with him having an A -- it must have been me laying the groundwork for my own A all those years later. I'm sure my choice to end the madness and get on with my life wasn't what I was really doing deep down. I didn't keep her secret, I kept my privacy and dignity. I made a choice to leave and what was left behind wasn't a concern. I have never once said a BS it so blame nor have they anything to be ashamed of.

 

We will just have to agree to disagree about carte blanche. I think we have that. We deserve it. They deserve the consequences. Of course people who deserve consequences never think they do.

And if a BS who waits a couple of years down the road to poke the hornets nest, she's going to have some consequences to her actions too. Anyone is able to do anything they want but since this is a public forum I put down my thoughts. I'm good to agree to disagree with you on just about everything.

 

I don't mind being told I speak like I true BS. That's the honorable role in this triangle. I wouldn't choose to be in an affair triangle but f I have to be then I'm proud I could only be a BS an never a WS or OW. Speaking like a true BS means that I speak with honor and morality that an unrepentent OW and WS can only aspire to one day. Thank you for the compliment.

I didn't tell you you spoke like a true BS. My point was that there is no 'true' anything. Every story and every person is different and in my opinion it's best not to tar people with any brushes.

By the way being a BS does not mean you are honorable or moral. It means you are betrayed. Just because someone has been cheated on doesn't elevate them to any exalted position. It means they were treated like dirt by the person who was supposed to love them most. Being a BS doesn't make you a better person.

 

Responses in bold.

 

By the way I don't know where you twisted out a compliment but trust me, there was no compliment intended for you.