PausedExcitement Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 Hey everyone. You know I've actually read this site a lot the past few years and never signed up for help. Guess it's time. Situation: In maybe 2 weeks me and my quasi-ex girlfriend (I'll explain later) broke up 2 years ago. Time for backstory: Around senior year of high school I met this girl. Wasn't interested in her. Then we got to talking for hours on end towards graduation. Eventually it just got to the point where we couldn't go through the day without talking to each other or saying goodnight to each other. Problem was that she was going out of town for university and I was staying there. We stayed cool during the summer. In fact we talked a lot more. Freshmen years for both of us and communication kinda died down. She was busy and I was busy. Not that I didn't miss her I made time she ultimate didn't. Jumping a bit forward cause I don't like talking about it she was raped and I helped take care of her. In fact, without me she couldn't sleep without crying. So she kept me on the phone while she slept to feel safe. Was a span of about 30 days where she'd just cry nonstop. A few months go by and after she was better I told her how I felt. A little bit later she told me she felt the same way. I was cautious cause I'm fing Bruce Wayne thinking of a million ways things could go wrong. And cause of what happened I told her I'm taking things slow so she doesn't go into a depression and I knew she wanted to save herself for marriage so what happened bothered her. In a week she lost feelings for me so my Batman thinking was right with my worst case. She starts liking another guy and I get jealous. Power through it, got depressed. She disappeared for a while and ignored me, she came back crying. She got raped again. In addition the guy she was dating (I wasn't aware she was dating a guy for 2 weeks cause conversation stopped around June of Freshmen year) basically left her and used her for sex after promising it wouldn't happen again. So I took care of her again, nearly moved to her university to keep an eye on her but my family's money situation didn't work out. She called me 2 days left to go into the summer and told me she was dating someone after saying she would finally give me a chance. At that point we argued. Eventually I just broke down and she said was tired of baby sitting me and to either accept she's found someone who could make her feel better than I ever could or leave. So I left. This was Sept 2010. She would apologise in Nov 2010 via text. I called her, basically asked her why she was saying sorry she said she wanted things to go back to normal. I asked if her she was still dating the guy she said yes. She sent me 3-5 texts since then. All apologizing saying I was right. Sorry for the wall of text. Things have gotten much better in hindsight. But often I feel like I'm walking with a limp emotionally. It's like whenever I see a girl similar to her it hurts. I hear someone tell a joke I think of something inside referenced between us. She was my best friend and I did love her even though she became a complete b**** to me. She claims to have changed (according to what she's told my friends). But what's really bothering me is that I've maintained no contact for about 2.5 years. Yet she's texted me 6-7 times since then. To no reply. On my birthday a few weeks ago, texted me 5 minutes after midnight and offer to talk again. A few days ago I was checking my email and I saw her again, after all this time still trying to get into contact with me. Latest email: "I know I was extremely rude to you, and I want to apologize and make up for it. I am really sorry for what happened, and I wanna make things right between us. Please, just give me some sort of reply, so at least I know whether or not you want to even see me again/talk to me again. I am really sorry, your someone I regret losing in my life, and I am really sorry for everything I've done to you and all the wrong things I said to you." If you notice she hasn't played her hand at all if she's romantically interested. In fact, she hasn't in any of the texts. But then again, would you? I've been debating for a few days if I should talk to her or not but some people have said that because of what happened to her, she's just trying to use me again. My friends are conflicted if I should talk to her. Some say give her another shot, others who might be a little less informed say stay away. If you ask me, I want it to work out between us. I don't want a friendship. I think about her daily and have tried to find what's out there. There's a weird connection between me and her and I don't quite understand it. I don't want to be bed ridden from depression and rejection for a week, in fact at this point in my life I can't cause of work. I miss her a lot more than perhaps words can describe. No one can tell what's in her heart then her I guess. Please give me your thoughts it's really depressing right now to keep thinking about how much I still love her but I can't figure this out. I'm sorry if this is confusing or I'm giving conflicting messages. I weigh the pros and cons so much. This is how I truly feel and I guess I've been through a lot.
Am313 Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 (edited) Well, she was never actually your girlfriend...... Honestly, I would definitely not try to do anything with her. You were there for her every single night, always helped her, you were her like her knight in shining armor, and then she has the audacity to tell you that she found someone who makes her feel better than you do and that you better accept it or leave her alone? Bitch, GTFO. I doubt she was raped, too. Got drunk and slept with someone and then regretted it, sure. She sounds like she wanted attention desperately. The biggest red flag? That she found someone who made her feel better about herself than you did. Don't ever date a woman whose self-worth and self-esteem is directly dependent on another person. But what do I know, I could be wrong. If you must, reply with something simple "I was always there for you and I always cared. I wanted to be with you and then you screwed me over. Why the hell would I want anything to do with you?" Then see her reaction. Once she replies, ignore it. Even if she says she wants a relationship with you, ignore it. Let her prove it. But seriously, I would just stay away. Edited August 27, 2012 by Am313 1
Author PausedExcitement Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 Well, she was never actually your girlfriend...... Honestly, I would definitely not try to do anything with her. You were there for her every single night, always helped her, you were her like her knight in shining armor, and then she has the audacity to tell you that she found someone who makes her feel better than you do and that you better accept it or leave her alone? Bitch, GTFO. I doubt she was raped, too. Got drunk and slept with someone and then regretted it, sure. She sounds like she wanted attention desperately. The biggest red flag? That she found someone who made her feel better about herself than you did. Don't ever date a woman whose self-worth and self-esteem is directly dependent on another person. But what do I know, I could be wrong. If you must, reply with something simple "I was always there for you and I always cared. I wanted to be with you and then you screwed me over. Why the hell would I want anything to do with you?" Then see her reaction. Once she replies, ignore it. Even if she says she wants a relationship with you, ignore it. Let her prove it. But seriously, I would just stay away. About the sexual assault. I can confirm the first instance was painfully the truth, having seen the police report. I never went to confirm the second one, that's always been up in the air for me.
penguin23 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Latest email: "I know I was extremely rude to you, and I want to apologize and make up for it. I am really sorry for what happened, and I wanna make things right between us. Please, just give me some sort of reply, so at least I know whether or not you want to even see me again/talk to me again. I am really sorry, your someone I regret losing in my life, and I am really sorry for everything I've done to you and all the wrong things I said to you." Crumbs. That's all this is. And it's been crumbs the other times too. It sounds like you're a really great, caring guy and she wants to know that you're there "just in case." Don't be someone else's "just in case." Ok, so she's gone through some horrible things. And you were there for her-but every time she felt like she could stand on her own she walked away. She didn't stand by you. She hasn't been there for you at all. She's already done the same thing 2x (or was it 3?) and she's going to do the same thing. The reason she didn't make it clear whether or not she's interested in you romantically is because she wants to rope you in...but I can almost guarantee that the same thing is going to happen again. Save yourself the misery and don't contact her back. You deserve someone that makes you a priority. 1
IST Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I wouldn't go looking for a relationship or anything with her, but I really don't see the harm in accepting the apology.
penguin23 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I think that accepting the apology would be great if he didn't still have feelings for her. But he's hoping that this becomes a romantic relationship and I just don't see that happening. 1
CC12 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I think that accepting the apology would be great if he didn't still have feelings for her. But he's hoping that this becomes a romantic relationship and I just don't see that happening. Yeah, this. I don't think she wants a romantic relationship with you, OP, and even if she did, it wouldn't be a good idea to reconnect after 2.5 years with the express intent of getting into a relationship with her. Start as friends, maybe, but you said you didn't want to be her friend so that's out. And even if you did want to have a friendship with her, I can see it quickly turning into the one-sided, somewhat parasitic friendship that it was before. Your previous friendship seems like it was a lot of her taking, taking, taking from you, and you doing a whole lot of giving, giving, giving. It's unhealthy for both of you. I wouldn't even reply. Don't put yourself in the position to get dragged back into it by her. Also: "Please, just give me some sort of reply, so at least I know whether or not you want to even see me again/talk to me again." Ignore this emotional manipulation. It's a huge load of bull****. She knows you don't want to talk to her. If you did, you would have responded to any of the 6-7 messages she's sent you over the years. She doesn't need "some sort of reply" to figure out you don't want to talk to her. She's just trying to get some kind of response out of you, probably to get a hook in you or for her own sense of closure, or whatever. Like, asking someone who doesn't speak to you anymore to actually contact you to tell you "I do not want to speak to you anymore" just doesn't make any god damn sense, and it's really annoying that she tried to pull that on you. You owe her nothing. 1
shayla Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Ignore that girl, she is trying to suck you back in to satisfy her personal agenda. As soon as you respond to her, you go back to the role of being her security blanket until she decides she doesn't want to "babysit you" anymore, what a joke. That statement alone would be enough to never speak to her again. Let her get her ego strokes wherever she's been getting them for 2 years and save your energy and your love for someone that isn't playing stupid games and who is mature enough to be in a real relationship with you. 1
Ruby65 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I don't think any harm could come from at least asking her if she's interested in you romantically at this point. I'm guessing you're both pretty young and people can be flaky and selfish sometimes, but if she's reaching out to you after all this time of NC maybe she's grown up a bit and has come to appreciate you more? I don't know..... I might be totally wrong but I think if you still have strong feelings for her you could at least find out how she feels about you at this point. Just ask her and see what she says! You can always walk away again if you don't like her answer.
Author PausedExcitement Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Crumbs. That's all this is. And it's been crumbs the other times too. It sounds like you're a really great, caring guy and she wants to know that you're there "just in case." Don't be someone else's "just in case." Ok, so she's gone through some horrible things. And you were there for her-but every time she felt like she could stand on her own she walked away. She didn't stand by you. She hasn't been there for you at all. She's already done the same thing 2x (or was it 3?) and she's going to do the same thing. The reason she didn't make it clear whether or not she's interested in you romantically is because she wants to rope you in...but I can almost guarantee that the same thing is going to happen again. Save yourself the misery and don't contact her back. You deserve someone that makes you a priority. Maybe. I've debating if she's just feeling guilty about how it ended like she said and nothing more. But why would anyone go to such lengths to find my old email and send me a message? Maybe I just miss her too much. I'm frustrated/frustrating.
Dblock10 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Maybe. I've debating if she's just feeling guilty about how it ended like she said and nothing more. But why would anyone go to such lengths to find my old email and send me a message? Maybe I just miss her too much. I'm frustrated/frustrating. well that is a tough one man! i was going to say, i think she feels very guilty about it and its eating at her. so she probably wants to clear the air. it doesnt sound like she wants a relationship. but probably wants your friendship. thats up to you to decide if you reply to her or not. id say since you still think about her and miss her, it might be a good idea to reply and see what happens. but if you feel you could happily just leave it be and think that the dust settled with this one a long time ago then just leave it. the past is the past.
IST Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 I really really doubt she wants a relationship. And even if she did pursuing one with her is a bad idea. I say accept the apology then go back to ignoring her.
shayla Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 I don't think any harm could come from at least asking her if she's interested in you romantically at this point. I'm guessing you're both pretty young and people can be flaky and selfish sometimes, but if she's reaching out to you after all this time of NC maybe she's grown up a bit and has come to appreciate you more? I don't know..... I might be totally wrong but I think if you still have strong feelings for her you could at least find out how she feels about you at this point. Just ask her and see what she says! You can always walk away again if you don't like her answer. Doing this puts the power back into her hands, it allows her to alleviate her well deserved guilt and then drop the hammer....again by telling you that she does not want a relationship. Is it worth it to you, and how far will that set you back? Do you really want the 2 years of healing to go down the tubes? And what if she does want a relationship? Do you really want more of what you have already suffered? Because you are signing on for more of the same if you show her by your actions that what she did was okay. She's guilty and wants you to make her feel better....too bad. When you do messed up things, there are messed up consequences. Living with the guilt is one of those consequences. It needs to eat her alive, and you are not serving yourself at all by making it all better for her. Leave her in the past where she belongs and do not rescue her anymore. Rescue yourself by steering clear of her. 1
Author PausedExcitement Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 (edited) I wouldn't go looking for a relationship or anything with her, but I really don't see the harm in accepting the apology. I guess it's because I would still be miserable, whereas she ends up potentially happy. Edited September 1, 2012 by PausedExcitement
Joaquin Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 (edited) Find someone who actually gives a **** about you. You can be her tampon and be used and abused if you want, but she ain't the one for you. Dude, get some standards. Edited September 1, 2012 by Joaquin 1
Author PausedExcitement Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 If anyone's curious. I made the decision to talk to her again in November 2012. As of last week, we've been together for a year.
organizedchaos Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 If anyone's curious. I made the decision to talk to her again in November 2012. As of last week, we've been together for a year. Wow, please ggive more details as to what happened and how things have been. while reading I was going to say it can't hurt to talk and see what she really wants before pursuing anything. 2.5 years is a lot of time for someone to change.
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