harnold Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 Ok, some background. Im a 24 y/o male, she's a 22 y/o female, we're both in school. I've known her since October and I was always trying to make moves to stay out of friendzone territory. This girl has always been extremely difficult to plan stuff with, shes very busy and has alotta friends (girls and guys, which is cool with me). But, we went on a couple dates in December during break, then intermittent nonsexual hookups for a few months, then almost had sex in March one day after class (I went limp), and finally had sex in July. We hung out again last weekend (beach + food) then came back and had sex again. I'll probably see her again sometime this next week, and I anticipate it will go similarly. Let me say that I like this girl a lot and find the prospect of a relationship with her attractive. Since we've had sex, communication has gotten slightly better, but it is still far from what I would expect from a couple who is 'dating'. We only see each other once a week or every other week. That being said, I have no problems with the pace which we are proceeding at... we are both very busy with school currently which might make a full relationship a bit tricky, but I would still like to have potential for that in the future. I would like to bring this up to her, but how would you even call such an arrangement? A casual relationship? I told her after our first time having sex that I would like to see her more often and see where this goes, and while she seemed receptive, it hasn't really panned out as I'd imagined. That being said, it's very tough to read her. Part of me fears that, although I have avoided the 'friendzone', that I may have put myself in the 'FWB' zone instead. Which may be partly my own doing. I always make her aware of the sexual attraction I have for her when I'm with her. In my general past, I have always tried to quickly escalate towards sex, because I believe it represents a barrier that, once breached, acts as a platform for you to have more intimate relationships with your partner. In fact, all my past relationships, we started as 'friends' who were having sex and eventually established a romantic relationship.. it is just that it is so different and so much more lengthy this time around with this girl that it makes me question my roadmap. There are certain ways we behave towards each other. I want you guys to do your best to interpret them and see if you can draw an assessment on how you think they illustrate her attitude towards me (i.e. if shes just looking for a FWB or a relationship). We text only sporadically... every other day, every few days, etc, and the responses are very untimely. And yet, every now and then we will call each other and spend long amounts of time on the phone with each other (1-2 hours or so). We will introduce each other to each others friends when we run into them, but never ask each other to hang out with each others friends (mostly just hang out us two together). We are kinda affectionate in public, moreso than I'd imagine FWB to be (i.e. we hold hands, cuddle, are very touchy, all that stuff). We have no qualms talking about exes or past flings... neither of us are sensitive about that stuff. I say much more sexual things to her then she does to me, but she will reciprocate it when it is initiated for the most part. A few other things I might add. Before me, she said she hadn't had sex in over a year (seems like she's gotten over her 'promiscuous phase', which ended about at that time)... so she's not really a sleaze, which leads me to think shes not really in it for a FWB type situation... in the past she has even spoken very lowly of '**** buddy' type relationships. And yet, she hasn't been in a relationship for 2-3 years or so either... she's an attractive and smart girl with a great personality, so this decision is entirely of her own volition. She's very flirty with me. As a guy, you notice certain things about the way a girl behaves when she likes you, and many people have noticed that about her behavior towards me as well. One of the things you notice as a guy is that way a girls eyes open up when shes sees you if she likes you... sounds faggy but its true lol. Thats the way she acts with me. She remembers the exact date we met, talks about our similar personalities, how long we've known each other, how she wants me to see other sides of her, etc. Sometimes she'll seem disappointed when I don't hit her up for a while. She got offended once when I joked about another girl in front of her. She seemed upset when I told her I might not be attending the same school in the Fall. These are all things that make me question her detachment. One thing I remember. We were talking after our first time we had sex, and she told me that she hope that it 'doesnt change anything between us'. What does that mean? It was in response to a comment I made about how when I stop seeing a girl, I cut off all contact with her. To recap, there are a bunch of signs that she likes me... but then why is it so difficult to communicate/hang out with her! It makes me feel as if she doesnt know what she wants. Again, this situation is strange for me so I'd like some input. Is there a name for this type of situation? How do you read her attitude towards me? And, how do I bring up the notion of some sort of 'non-clingy'/casual (but exclusive) relationship with her without scaring her off? If anything is unclear please let me know and I will do my best to explain. Thanks for your advice!
my body is a cage Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 this sounds a lot like a relationship that i was in, in which i believe we both had feelings for each other but we never had a "title" as such. i would try not to try to categorize it that much if i were you, but if you have to know you never will unless you bring it up. try saying something like "hey i really like you, and i like hooking up with you, and i don't really want to hook up with anyone but you. are you still seeing other people?" it should come naturally from there.
Author harnold Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 Lol, sneaky! I like that and I will probably use something like that Nah I really don't need an official "label", but that being said I do still feel it is appropriate to have at least some sort of grasp regarding what exactly is going on. Just to comment on what you said, she has told me that no, she is not seeing anyone or hooking up with anyone... How exactly did your 'relationship' unfold?
Author harnold Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 Bump anyone else? In what particular setting do you advise I pop the question? In private? Or, in a nice public place where we're out having fun...?
unsqueegees Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Just say something in private like "I don't really like casual sex and hookups because they have no meaning and I've always been a deep person and I wouldn't want you to feel like I was just going to forget about you. I do like you and want to keep seeing you and it would be great if we found out there was something between us after all"
my body is a cage Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 How exactly did your 'relationship' unfold? i would definitely "pop the question" so to speak in private. i understand the allure of public but that could be read as inappropriate. by stating how you feel first you are being confident enough to put yourself out there, which people generally respect. if you were to just ask her without explaining herself, she might respond defensively as in "oh this is just for fun right?" i know i might do that in that scenario because i tend to assume a lot of guys are afraid of commitment. to be honest, my "relationship" kind of crashed and burned, but not because of the label or lack therefor, but rather due to lack of honesty on the guys part that led to resentment on my part and i felt i could no longer continue seeing him (sad part is i still really like him though, but we are not speaking at the moment) ... the situation sounds different in key ways though that she has stated she doesnt like sleeping around, etc... so i feel like you have a good shot. maybe she is just trying to play it cool. anyway, i have a different boyfriend now, but the truth is i actually felt more compatible with the other guy. my current boyfriend just sort of started calling me his girlfriend without giving me much say in the matter ha - at first it made me a little wary because i wasn't sure how it felt, but i liked him enough that i didn't want to write him off immediately so i went with it. after a while he kept calling me his girlfriend so i was like i'm your girlfriend huh? and he was like yup. and i don't know, even though i don't think we're perfectly compatible i've grown pretty fond of him. also, it was sort of refreshing to have a guy communicate clearly and be assertive in expressing interest - maybe thats just me though, i like assertive confident guys. anyway, one way my current relationship blows away my last one is * COMMUNICATION *
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