rockinhenck Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I don't know where else I can express my frustrations, but here we go. I've been married for nearly a year now, although we've been together for 9 years. Our relationship is good. Although there has always been some issues that have caused friction. Lately, I've met a new woman in my life and she seems to be everything that I've always been looking for. So far, we've flirted and there is mutual attraction. I also have amazing conversations with her, the type I have never had with my wife. I am also extremely sexually attracted to this new woman and she is a bombshell. I feel very guilty because my mind is racked with images of cheating or breaking up my marriage. I sometimes feel like I settled and although my wife and I usually get along and we've been through a lot together, there are many aspects of our relationship I have never been satisfied with. I feel so torn right now because there is a great temptation within myself to pursue something with this new woman, yet I also feel that I shouldn't be so quick to fall into the "grass is greener" mentality I often do. Confused and Torn on the West Coast.
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 You have already cheated. You're in what's known as an EA. And 'Emotional Affair'. You've done pretty much everything (in your head) bar actually get your dick out and plant it where it shouldn't go. Decide what you want: Do you want to stay married and try to make a go of it?Do you want to stay married and have an affair?Do you want to divorce, and pursue other 'options'? Those are your choices. You'd better determine which of them would be best and wisest - and let me tell you - number 2 is so far off the scale, it really would be better to not go down that road.... 1
beenburned Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Many people are tempted by others all along life's journey. It is what you do about it that counts. If you haven't been happy in your marriage, go see a marriage counselor to help fix the problems before you commit adultery! If you see divorce as the only option, please divorce before committing adultery! An affair only complicates the problems in your marriage and doesn't solve anything. 2
BetrayedH Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Tara is right about the three choices. Having an affair is the equivalent of dropping a nuke on your marriage. Play the scenario out in your head like 1-5 years down the road after it begins. What good outcome do you envision? Short answer...there isn't one. Either your wife gets hurt, the OW gets hurt, or you all get hurt (the most likely scenario). Make a healthy and ethical choice. Having an affair is neither. Either fix your marriage or leave it. Keep reading here about affairs before you move one step forward. I think you'll see that it's just not a remotely decent option. This is all besides the fact that your wife deserves better. Give her the same informed choice about staying in her broken marriage or leaving. You don't deserve to keep her committed to you while you are unfaithful to her. It is her life and she only has one. She has dedicated hers to you. If you don't want it, release her. Good luck.
Bittersweetie Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 As someone who made Tara's choice #2, let me advise you: DON'T. It was the worst decision I ever made. All it did is bring pain and hurt on my H, myself, and our relationship. At the time I thought "it will all be fine" but the reality is that was just me trying to selfishly justify things in my head. Once you lose that personal integrity, it is a long and hard road to get any of it back. If there are problems in your current relationship, then address those directly. And if they can't be addressed, then maybe it's not meant to be. But to look for something outside the relationship is the fast track to disaster, not happiness. It's not fair to your wife, or to you. I would also recommend to stop talking to/seeing this woman you're attracted to immediately so you can focus on yourself and your marriage. Having her in the mix will just continue to keep you confused. 2
BetrayedH Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 As someone who made Tara's choice #2, let me advise you: DON'T. It was the worst decision I ever made. All it did is bring pain and hurt on my H, myself, and our relationship. At the time I thought "it will all be fine" but the reality is that was just me trying to selfishly justify things in my head. Once you lose that personal integrity, it is a long and hard road to get any of it back. If there are problems in your current relationship, then address those directly. And if they can't be addressed, then maybe it's not meant to be. But to look for something outside the relationship is the fast track to disaster, not happiness. It's not fair to your wife, or to you. I would also recommend to stop talking to/seeing this woman you're attracted to immediately so you can focus on yourself and your marriage. Having her in the mix will just continue to keep you confused. Not to be off-topic but I want to applaud you for this post. People make mistakes, sometimes tragic ones. I have, too. It doesn't have to define us if we continue to make positive improvements. I hope life is happy and healthy for you. End threadjack.
Steadfast Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 As Tara said, you're already having an affair. I'm certain the wife doesn't know how you feel about this other woman, does she? The basis of any affair is self-centered deception. You're living a lie that's feeding on truth. No matter how it's going down, the situation is all bad. If this OW doesn't know you're married, you're deceiving her too. That's a critical mistake in building the foundation of any relationship. If she does know you're married and welcomes your advancements, she's a cheater who has no problem sacrificing the feelings of others for her own gain. If she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you. This fact has been proven time and time again. Be a real man and stop lying. The rest will sort itself out.
CarrieT Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Let me guess = based on your original post to this site, the woman you are attracted to is not Asian - perhaps a blonde or a redhead? Listen to Tara. Her advice is spot-on and the repercussions of cheating are horrendous. You live for the moment and pay for it forever.
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Aaaah..... This is what CarrieT is referring to.....
BetrayedH Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Yep, blonde white girls are hot. So, what to do? Hmm. Go sleep with one! Great idea! Oh wait, I'm married. Damn. Stay married or don't, dude. 1
nofool4u Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I don't know where else I can express my frustrations, but here we go. I've been married for nearly a year now, although we've been together for 9 years. Our relationship is good. Although there has always been some issues that have caused friction. Lately, I've met a new woman in my life and she seems to be everything that I've always been looking for. But of course she does, you haven't been with her for 9 years for starters. So far, we've flirted and there is mutual attraction. I also have amazing conversations with her, the type I have never had with my wife. I am also extremely sexually attracted to this new woman and she is a bombshell. I feel very guilty because my mind is racked with images of cheating or breaking up my marriage. Only a year married? If this is how you are, I think you should break up your marriage. Let your wife find someone who won't disrespect her like this and canoodle with another woman, and yes, cheat sooner or later. I feel so torn right now because there is a great temptation within myself to pursue something with this new woman, yet I also feel that I shouldn't be so quick to fall into the "grass is greener" mentality I often do. But you said it yourself, you settled. So get an annulment while you still can,set your wife free, and get your kicks while living the life of a single man.
Author rockinhenck Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 (edited) Yep, blonde white girls are hot. So, what to do? Hmm. Go sleep with one! Great idea! Oh wait, I'm married. Damn. Stay married or don't, dude. Well, race isn't really playing a factor here, although the other woman is Blonde. The last time I was seriously tempted, the other woman was Asian, but I never acted on it and I pretty much stopped interacting with her. The reason why I feel very torn is because I do realize that I often fall into the "grass is greener" mentality which is very dangerous, it also explains my first post which was pretty stupid looking back. One of my first long term relationships was with a redhead, and there were times I seriously wanted to get with an Asian or Latina girl instead just to be with someone different. I do realize that it's part of a personality flaw of mine to never be satisfied with what I do have. I do realize that marriage is a strong commitment and you will be tested many times throughout a relationship and we have been tested many times before and still made it. And no, I do not want to get involved in an affair, I just seeing that blowing up really ugly and it would really mar everyone involved. Edited August 24, 2012 by rockinhenck
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Right, ok, that's dealt with then. So - what do you intend to do - if realistically, (thank goodness!) cheating is off the cards?
M30USA Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 You think you know this girl at work. You don't. It's all fun and exciting. But it's a different story when you're stuck with her because your current wife leaves you due to an affair. 1
Author rockinhenck Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 Right, ok, that's dealt with then. So - what do you intend to do - if realistically, (thank goodness!) cheating is off the cards? Well, first off, I've never cheated on any of my past relationships ever. So I'm proud of that fact. At the same time, I feel really torn here because the attraction to this girl is so strong. I think the best plan of action at this point is to try to keep it from going over to anything inappropriate while trying to find out more of what her personality is like because that's the major problem with initial attractions, you dont really see their flaws until you're dealing with them on a constant basis. I do want to stay commited in my relationship and do not want to cheat, but at the same time, I really wonder if I'm missing out on someone that would really be amazingly compatible.
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 Well, first off, I've never cheated on any of my past relationships ever. So I'm proud of that fact. At the same time, I feel really torn here because the attraction to this girl is so strong. I think the best plan of action at this point is to try to keep it from going over to anything inappropriate while trying to find out more of what her personality is like because that's the major problem with initial attractions, you dont really see their flaws until you're dealing with them on a constant basis. I do want to stay commited in my relationship and do not want to cheat, but at the same time, I really wonder if I'm missing out on someone that would really be amazingly compatible. You idiot. 7
2long Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 I feel really torn here because the attraction to this girl is so strong. I think the best plan of action at this point is to try to keep it from going over to anything inappropriate while trying to find out more of what her personality is like because that's the major problem with initial attractions, you dont really see their flaws until you're dealing with them on a constant basis. WRONG!!! The best plan of action is 2 STOP FLIRTING with her, because you have such a hard time controlling your attraction. You have NO BUSINESS finding out more of what her personality is like because you are MARRIED. In short, you need 2 protect your marriage from your own weaknesses. I do want to stay commited in my relationship and do not want to cheat, but at the same time, I really wonder if I'm missing out on someone that would really be amazingly compatible. Let me tell you right now that you ARE missing out on other possibilities. Maybe even people you'd be more or less compatible with. So what?? Life is full of either/or choices. Marriage is one of those choices that, if you're ma2re enough 2 make, you'd better be ma2re enough 2 keep. I doubt very much that you said "so long as we both may feel like it", or "in sickness and in health, for better or until I can find something better, because I don't like that 'for worse' part". Be a man of integrity. Show some backbone. Leave the other women alone. You've made your choice. -ol' 2long 2
Furious Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 The reason why I feel very torn is because I do realize that I often fall into the "grass is greener" mentality which is very dangerous, it also explains my first post which was pretty stupid looking back. One of my first long term relationships was with a redhead, and there were times I seriously wanted to get with an Asian or Latina girl instead just to be with someone different. I do realize that it's part of a personality flaw of mine to never be satisfied with what I and still made it. If you don't get serious with your issues and get some individual counseling I predict the grass on your lawn with always be brown. 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 At the same time, I feel really torn here because the attraction to this girl is so strong. I think the best plan of action at this point is to try to keep it from going over to anything inappropriate while trying to find out more of what her personality is like because that's the major problem with initial attractions, you dont really see their flaws until you're dealing with them on a constant basis. I do want to stay commited in my relationship and do not want to cheat, but at the same time, I really wonder if I'm missing out on someone that would really be amazingly compatible. #1 - Why even try to keep it from being inappropriate? Just stop. You realize that you're playing with fire, but you're still lighting matches. #2 - Seems as though you have a habit of projecting on other women. You prop them up on a pedestal while wearing rosy glasses, but won't do that for your wife. If you want to be amazingly compatible with someone, then make your wife the object of your efforts, not every pretty white girl you encounter. #3 - You're a big boy now (30's, married). Act like it. To quote one of my favorite songs: The journey from your mind to your hands Is shorter than you're thinking Be careful if you think you stand You just might be sinking
aanderson088 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 DON'T DO IT. Talk to your spouse. Seriously. Communicate with her. Really try to remember what made you love her to begin with. Discuss with her, openly and honestly. Just give it another chance. I cheated for the same reason and I am incredibly remorseful. I can't tell her enough how much I wish I never did what I did. You need to NOT DO IT. You will only regret it. 1
Bittersweetie Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 WRONG!!! The best plan of action is 2 STOP FLIRTING with her, because you have such a hard time controlling your attraction. You have NO BUSINESS finding out more of what her personality is like because you are MARRIED. Be a man of integrity. Show some backbone. Leave the other women alone. You've made your choice. Agree with this...you absolutely cannot "stay committed to the relationship" while you're "trying to find out more of what her personality is like." If you choose the find out more option, you're choosing an affair, regardless of whether it ends up going physical or not. Not to be off-topic but I want to applaud you for this post. People make mistakes, sometimes tragic ones. I have, too. It doesn't have to define us if we continue to make positive improvements. I hope life is happy and healthy for you. End threadjack. Thanks Betrayed. Every single day I work on being a better person for myself, my H, and (in four weeks!) my baby. 1
Author rockinhenck Posted August 24, 2012 Author Posted August 24, 2012 DON'T DO IT. Talk to your spouse. Seriously. Communicate with her. Really try to remember what made you love her to begin with. Discuss with her, openly and honestly. Just give it another chance. I cheated for the same reason and I am incredibly remorseful. I can't tell her enough how much I wish I never did what I did. You need to NOT DO IT. You will only regret it. Do you mind telling me what happened?
TaraMaiden Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Do you mind telling me what happened? Jeezu-sheck, you really need a painting-by-numbers picture?? Are you really this dense - ?! What are you not getting here? What the hell is it with you? 1
96nole Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Well, first off, I've never cheated on any of my past relationships ever. So I'm proud of that fact. At the same time, I feel really torn here because the attraction to this girl is so strong. I think the best plan of action at this point is to try to keep it from going over to anything inappropriate while trying to find out more of what her personality is like because that's the major problem with initial attractions, you dont really see their flaws until you're dealing with them on a constant basis. I do want to stay commited in my relationship and do not want to cheat, but at the same time, I really wonder if I'm missing out on someone that would really be amazingly compatible. The bolded part tells me that it's over. You're never going to be happy with what you have. You'll always be wondering if there is someone or something better. You may go to this new girl thinking everything is wonderful and "amazingly compatible". Then it becomes a normal day to day relationship. The amazing part has worn off. You'll be back to wondering if you're missing out on someone else "amazing". It sounds like you need to do your wife a favor and end it with her. The pain for her will be deep and sharp. But it will spare her the years of looking over her shoulder. 1
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