Am I Overreacting?

[andreth]

I don't want to rehash everything I posted previously, so you can take a look at what I've already said about my marriage here. Unfortunately, things just aren't getting better. But now part of me is wondering if I'm just being unreasonable and overreacting, or if this stuff really is a big deal, like it seems to be to me.

 

DH is working a job that pays the bills but isn't his "dream job" - his dream is to perform (he's a talented musician - not wanting to be a 'rock star;' more along the lines of orchestras). I am currently in nursing school and intend to complete a CRNA degree - this should take me about 7 years to finish (though I will be working most of the time, once I get my RN). DH's plan once I start working is to go back to school for his master's degree in performance and then I guess try to make it as a musician. So essentially I am going to be working my butt off for my degrees, only to then have to support both him and our family while he goes after his dream. But his dreams aren't realistic to me. Yes, I will have a good salary, but that doesn't seem fair to me to have all of the responsibility and burden of providing placed on me so he can chase white rabbits. Also, the school he wants to go to is in another town, but as we have discussed many, many times, I don't want to move. My school is here, my family (aka support system is here), our kids go to school here... it is just not what I want. So now he has the idea that my salary can also pay for an apartment for him to live in in this other city for him to go to school.And again, that just doesn't seem fair to me. But he gets angry that I don't seem to be completely on board with his plans. He says he's worked out the financial aspects and thinks it would be doable, but if I dare question him, he gets mad.

 

Am I being unreasonable here? I know he sees me as a total b*tch, but I really don't feel like I'm being one. I don't want to be a "dream crusher," but I also have to be realistic. And I don't think he is. But I also know that eventually, he WILL resent me for not letting him do this.

 

Another thing that is causing major problems lately: he works from 1PM-10PM. I am a student, and I stay home with our children. When I say I do everything, I mean it. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, feeding/bathing kids, getting them to bed at a decent hour, etc. 100% by myself. A couple of days a week, DH will take our oldest son to school, but even then, I have to get up and make his lunch and pick out his clothes, because DH can't seem to do anything by himself.

 

If DH needs clothes for work, he looks at me - "I need pants washed." It's clear: this is my job as a woman to him, though he'll deny that. His actions say differently.

 

But then days like today occur. After only 3 hours of sleep last night, I'm obviously exhausted. I can't nap - but he certainly can! (even though he got more than twice the amount of sleep as me) The reasoning, to him, is that he has to go to work, so he needs rest. But according to him, it's not as important for me, because since I'm a stay-at-home-mom, I have "plenty of opportunities" to nap throughout the day. It's like he clearly has no idea how busy I am all day. And he refuses to see it or acknowledge me when I try to tell him.

 

I feel like he doesn't see me as his equal. What I do at home, you know, keeping our kids alive and making sure HE has clean clothes to wear and lunch to eat, isn't important. I feel completely second-rate. But if I try to discuss this with him, he acts like I'm an idiot and that I'm just blowing things out of proportion.

 

So again I ask: is it me? Am I being unreasonable??

[shiftman]

I don't think that you get to determine how realistic somebody else's dreams are. Obviously, you have an opinion. But so does he.

 

Case in point: Years ago, I used to play high school golf with a guy who had aspirations of playing on the PGA tour. He was a good local golfer, but had multiple flaws in his golf game. Despite me pointing out his obvious golf flaws, he persisted. We lost contact after he went on to a small college (on a golf schoilarship), but the last time that I checked, he had made over 40 MILLION dollars on the PGA tour.

 

Obviously, there is nothing ability wise to prohibit him from obtaining his master's degree in music. Now, whether it is practical to pursue that course it is another matter entirely.

[andreth]

It's not about him having big dreams. It's about responsibility and practicality to me. More than once in the past, all of the burden has been put on me. The reason I'm 29 and just now in nursing school is because I've already had to put everything old hold numerous times and get just "any job" so support our family while he "went after his dream."

 

Even as recently as about five months ago, when I was a full time student and had just had a baby in January, DH quit his job. I had no job, was a new mom, and he didn't have a job lined up or anything. He was just "sure something would come along" that he liked better. Even then, he made me feel like the bad guy for being mad, but come on! That's ridiculous behavior to me.

 

So you see, I'm not trying to be a "dream crusher," but our history with this isn't that pleasant to begin with. And now, as it turns out, he's just waiting for me to finish school so he can do it again! And I'm just expected to be ok with that and not cast any doubt whatsoever.

[Gaprofitt]

It's not about him having big dreams. It's about responsibility and practicality to me. More than once in the past, all of the burden has been put on me. The reason I'm 29 and just now in nursing school is because I've already had to put everything old hold numerous times and get just "any job" so support our family while he "went after his dream."

 

Even as recently as about five months ago, when I was a full time student and had just had a baby in January, DH quit his job. I had no job, was a new mom, and he didn't have a job lined up or anything. He was just "sure something would come along" that he liked better. Even then, he made me feel like the bad guy for being mad, but come on! That's ridiculous behavior to me.

 

So you see, I'm not trying to be a "dream crusher," but our history with this isn't that pleasant to begin with. And now, as it turns out, he's just waiting for me to finish school so he can do it again! And I'm just expected to be ok with that and not cast any doubt whatsoever.

 

It sounds like to me he needs to just buck up and help out more. My wife would do a great job with our son but would never cook or clean, it sounds like you are doing it all and need some help.

 

Greg

[shiftman]

I'm having difficulty getting my arms around this. Somebody who wants to go back to school to complete an advanced degree has to have some significant level of motivation. Conversely, somebody who will not help with the household "chores" and quits a job - to wait for a better one - does not. I have never encountered any individual who was both at the same time.

 

Relocating to further one's education does occur. I had a former co-worker who did this to attend law school (no law schools around here) and made it work. His wife was able to find a comparable job, and his kids adjusted to the move. Once he completed school, he moved back here to practice. that said, to me, the apartment option is a bit unrealistic.

 

With regard to the other issue, he should be contributing to the upkeep of the house. Period.

[pteromom]

I absolutely think he should follow his dream. I support him in that 100%. If he doesn't, he will regret it for the rest of his life.

 

However -

 

He has a responsibility as a husband and father to pursue his dream in a way where he can 1. stay plugged into the family and help out, and 2. Not put any huge financial strains on his family.

 

So...

 

He needs to look at other options outside going to this school out of town and having an apartment there. Aren't there ANY schools in your town where he can start getting his education? Even if he can take his basic classes there for now, and make a plan for the rest later. Are there any online schools he can attend for some of it? Are there any private tutors who are certified?

 

He needs to research ALL options, and find the one that fits your lives the best, even if that means he doesn't get his degree as quickly.

 

It seems he has a certain rigid plan in his head and isn't willing to consider any other options, and he simply can't do that with a family.

[andreth]

I guess it's just hard to be very supportive because this just seems like a repeat of the past all over again. It feels reminiscent to me of the expression "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."

 

I've been the only one with a job supporting our home twice since we've been married (only 7 years) while he did what he said he felt God was leading him to. And even now, six years later he still isn't even working in his field! I guess all I see is him getting a master's in something he already can't get a job in, after six years of looking, applying, interviewing, etc., and therefore accumulating more debt while not securing any kind of future for himself. I've been supportive of the dream in the past. But nearly our entire marriage so far has been him going after this goal that so far has not produced not one single thing.

 

We've argued countless times, and I told him once that if he felt like it's what he needed to do, then he should just go do it. His response was that he couldn't afford it. He didn't say anything about not wanting to leave me, nothing about not wanting to leave his children. It was just that he couldn't afford to do it on his own. So now that he's revealed his plan to once again quit his job when I'm done with school... it makes me feel very used. Like all I am to him is a meal ticket. But if I bring up my concerns, I'm met with a brick wall. I'm working very hard for my career so that I can work 60+ hours a week while he stays home and plays his drums. It's not fair to expect me to not have any say in what happens, but I never do. And I get made to feel like the bad guy for wanting some say in our family's future.

 

No, there are no schools with music programs in our town. And to even get into grad school, he'd have to quit his job and either move himself or us, because he doesn't have the instruments to practice on to even prepare for an audition.

[pteromom]

I think you are within your rights to say that you support his dream but he absolutely must do it while contributing financially to your household in some way. He needs to be more creative in looking for other options.

 

No, there are no schools with music programs in our town. And to even get into grad school, he'd have to quit his job and either move himself or us, because he doesn't have the instruments to practice on to even prepare for an audition.

 

So he's not even prepared anyway? Sound to me like the first move would be for him to KEEP his job, and save up a small portion of each paycheck until he can buy the instruments he needs to practice.

[shiftman]

I wish that I could say something that would make you feel better about your situation.

 

I can only suggest that you continue to talk about your situation in whatever arena that you feel comfortable with.

[andreth]

So he's not even prepared anyway? Sound to me like the first move would be for him to KEEP his job, and save up a small portion of each paycheck until he can buy the instruments he needs to practice.

 

No, and the really unfortunate thing is that percussion instruments like timpani and marimbas would cost tens of thousands of dollars, and there is absolutely no way we could even dream of saving for that right now. It might would be a little more doable after I've finished my CRNA, but he's made it clear that he doesn't want to have to wait that long.

[pteromom]

It might would be a little more doable after I've finished my CRNA, but he's made it clear that he doesn't want to have to wait that long.

 

Too bad. Patience is part of maturity, and if it is something he really wants, it is worth waiting for and working toward.

 

I am really sorry you are dealing with this. Sounds incredibly frustrating.

[GuyInLimbo]

I say this coming from someone who used to have rock star dreams and as one who never finished grad school: he needs to grow up. I think pursuing dreams like this are ok when you don't have kids to support. Since you guys do, he needs to be a dad first and performer later. I mean, really, he wants his own APARTMENT so he can go to grad school AND you pay for it? That bull****.

 

In my example, I would LOVE to finish my degree. But, I'm exhausted between work and the kids and other things I got going on. I don't see any possible way it will happen until, maybe, the kids are teenagers. And by then, I'll be in my 50s, so what's the point? I digress.

 

And, yeah, dude needs to start pulling his load around the house. I don't think your husband sounds very mature. And I'm an immature 40-something myself. But at least I take care of things around the house!

[shiftman]

In my example, I would LOVE to finish my degree. But, I'm exhausted between work and the kids and other things I got going on. I don't see any possible way it will happen until, maybe, the kids are teenagers. And by then, I'll be in my 50s, so what's the point? I digress.

 

I finished my degree last month at the age of 52. I enrolled in a four year adult advantage program, which met one night a week. At my age, I doubt that I use my degree, but I do get a great deal of personal satisfaction for finishing what I started so many years ago. I did wait until my son was in high school to return to school, so you can possible try my approach as well.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Ugh....Ok....I share a lot in common with your husband. Basically I made a living as a ghost writer and music editor for TV right out of college(I have a degree in music theory). The music industry is fun and if you are lucky you can work on some really cool projects....but it's really hard to get anywhere where you make decent money consistently.

 

I eventually transitioned to programming(C++/C#) audio related products. I could never think of going back to my dream job now (which is writing for video games). Even the best music jobs wouldn't make as much money as I make now...and they aren't stable...require tons of overtime, etc. The later you get in life, the more the time for cowboy careers like music is past. You have two kids. That's the priority. I had to suck it up and do the best I can. I still write and record on my spare time...I make pocket change that way but I can write what I want, when I want, on my own schedule. I've released 4 albums and scored various videos\movies that I want to do. he doesn't have to give it up...but as life goes on and responsilibities build, you have to do what it takes.

 

But then again you can't control anyone, you can only control you and what situation you put yourself in. sigh.... I'm not sure what to tell you to do, only my perspective. I felt like there might be something in my story given I feel a bond with you guys being so musical.

 

I commend you for putting your family first.

 

Hmm...so if your H didn't pursue a music career, would you still be pursuing nursing? What would change? That's a thought down the other path. Are you resentful because you are being held back from doing what you want? Or are you doing that anyway?

 

Probably a difference between your H and myself is I kinda lived my dream. I'm actually lucky that I got to do some of the stuff I've done early in my career.

Edited August 24, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[standtall]

No Andreth, IMHO, you are not overreacting. You didn't mention how many kids you have together, but when I had my 3, my dreams got put on a hold..by myself..to fulfill my family obligations. He choose to get married..he choose to have kids.. now he has to own up to his responsibilities.