Wanting Out, But Struggling

[andreth]

Some quick background info: my husband and I have been married for almost seven years. We have two children, ages 6 months and 4 years. Things have always been rocky for us. But lately, we fight on top of fighting. We've grown a lot individually over the past seven years, but not really together.

 

The majority of our problems stem from just a few factors (I could go into more detail, but I don't want to seem like I'm bashing him, so I will keep it as simple as possible). #1: He is deeply religious and devout to Christianity. I no longer am, though I never, EVER give him grief about his faith. I would never do that. But it causes major issues. He believes in praying about everything. I don't. He makes huge life decisions based on faith alone, and then gets very upset when I don't agree (I'll go into more detail on this later). I know that he envisioned being married to a woman who shared his values, someone he could worship and pray with, etc., but unfortunately, that's just not who I am now.

 

#2: He is EXTREMELY critical. I work from home, keep our kids, and am also a full-time nursing student. I manage to keep up the home with little to no help, while he works a desk job (but is still always too exhausted to help me). But he still micromanages my life, quick to point out all the things he thinks I am doing wrong. Laundry, dishes, the way I discipline our kids, etc. It's never good enough, it seems.

 

#3: We want different things in life. We currently live in a small town, the town where I grew up and half an hour away from his hometown. I am happy. I love my life here. Our families (aka support systems) are very close by, which is great with small kids and school. However, he has aspirations of becoming a musician (this goes back to my first point - he believes he has been called to do this and is wanting to step out in faith) so he wants to move to a larger city and pursue his dreams. I don't. At all. I can't get him to see my point of view, and I can't seem to get on board with his.

 

#4: I get little affection from him. I have never felt like a priority in his life, which I have told him on several occasions. The only time I get any affection or feel genuinely loved is when he wants sex.

 

We are unhappy nearly all of the time now. I dread coming home if he is here, and I dread him coming home from work every night, because I know he is going to be in a bad mood. He always is. He lives under a cloud of negativity everywhere he goes. Over the past week, every member of my family has approached me and asked how things are going because they're all noticing a change in me. I'm turning bitter and depressed, and it's making me a bad mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc.

 

I do love him, but sometimes that just doesn't seem like enough. It seems like we are standing in each others' way, and I know over time we are both going to grow to resent each other, even more than we already do whether we'll admit it or not. I don't want to hurt him, but staying would mean being miserable.

 

His parents have been married for 45 years, and they despise each other. Early on, we promised each other that we'd never let it get to that point. We'd never reach the place where we just didn't like each other anymore. He himself will attest to the fact that their dysfunctional relationship did irreparable damage on he and his siblings. And we would never, ever want that for his kids.

 

I left, only overnight, a couple of months ago, after yet another huge argument. That night, I suggested MC (for the second time), and he said no, once again, because he didn't think it would help us at all, since we clearly don't have the same goals in life.

 

There are some good days. But lately, the bad far outweighs the good. Even so, I know he's oblivious to how much I really am hurting, and suggesting a separation would absolutely blindside him. But it feels like every day, I lose more and more of myself, and I find myself wondering when I will reach the point where I won't be able to get myself back.

 

Any advice or encouragement would be great. I don't really know what to do, but I do know that I don't want to live a life that makes me this unhappy. I just don't know where to go next.

 

 

ETA: I also wanted to mention that he has a horrible temper. He's never been physically violent, but he does scare me, which I've told him. He always tries to justify his meanness, but later (the next day, usually) he apologizes. On more than one occasion, my dad has told me I act like a battered woman.

 

And for what it's worth, we talk about these problems of our all the time, but nothing ever changes. I just can't see waiting around for the rest of my life, hoping something will change. When is enough enough?

Edited July 7, 2012 by andreth

[pteromom]

Your first step is reclaiming your own power. He cannot micro-manage you if you do not let him. You do not have to accept verbal abuse or criticism.

 

Start reading everything you can about codependency, assertiveness, and responding to verbal abuse.

 

Doing this is going to wake you up. You are responsible for the quality of your life. Once you get to a point where you trust your own judgment and are happy with yourself, you will be in a better place to determine whether your marriage is adding to your life or taking away from it.

 

Of course, none of this solves problems like where you are going to live or the amount of affection in your relationship. But it will put you in a better place to be able to work on those issues.

[Tallblueyed]

I dread coming home if he is here, and I dread him coming home

This is a huge sign that things are horribly wrong. Your house is no longer a home - it has lost the sanctity that homes are suppose to have.

I do love him, but sometimes that just doesn't seem like enough.

I am going through some very tough stuff myself; one thing I am realizing is that love is not enough. You need a balance of love, respect, friendship, and compromise. I know it sounds idealistic, but the currency of 'love' does not equate to living in misery.

I suggested MC (for the second time), and he said no

He is being very passive agressive in telling you, 'no'. He needs to get busy fixing or get busy leaving - he can't expect you to hang around and 'want' to fix things only to have him tell you 'no'.

I lose more and more of myself, and I find myself wondering when I will reach the point where I won't be able to get myself back.

This is the most eye-opening statement you can make. This is exactly what I am facing. After 14 years I look back and realize that I have become a different person, and that I have been living in denial that I have changed (and lost myself). Speaking for myself, I have lost my self-esteem and self-worth; no more, I am taking my life back now and am extremely excited and proud that I am standing up for my life. It is my responsibility to make my life better, I am not a passenger in my own life - I am the driver. {end rant}

 

Good luck, keep posting here. It has helped me to read and engage in discussions.

[YellowShark]

So "god" wants him to be a musician huh? It's his calling he claims. That's hilarious.

 

I would have no problem leaving because of the religion thingy alone. Why? I know beyond any reasonable doubt the Earth is more than 6000 years old and wasn't created by some dude in a toga. I can hold dinosaur bones in my own hand which disprove what the bible claims. It's no different than believing in space alien souls inhabiting volcanoes... like Scientologists do.

 

It scares me that someone could reject all common sense and believe in a crazy dogma that guides their every move. It's a dealbreaker for me personally. I require a woman who uses her brain, rather than someone who blindly follows medieval scriptures and thinks god wants them to do things.

Edited July 7, 2012 by YellowShark

[andreth]

Thank you for your replies!

 

What drives me absolutely insane is that I will have made up my mind that it's just over, I need to tell him, etc. I get to the point where every single time he even opens his mouth, all I can think is, "I am so done with this..."

 

But then it gets better. He starts acting caring, loving... like the person I fell in love with. For example, I've had a horrible cold all week. So the other night, he literally tucked me into bed, told me how much he misses me these days, let me sleep in the next day... actually cared for me! And thus, the cycle repeats. Unfortunately, I know it's just a matter of days before we're at it again, but when it's good, it really is good and I'm able to forget about all the crap.

[Tallblueyed]

Thank you for your replies!

 

What drives me absolutely insane is that I will have made up my mind that it's just over, I need to tell him, etc. I get to the point where every single time he even opens his mouth, all I can think is, "I am so done with this..."

 

But then it gets better. He starts acting caring, loving... like the person I fell in love with. For example, I've had a horrible cold all week. So the other night, he literally tucked me into bed, told me how much he misses me these days, let me sleep in the next day... actually cared for me! And thus, the cycle repeats. Unfortunately, I know it's just a matter of days before we're at it again, but when it's good, it really is good and I'm able to forget about all the crap.

 

Yo-yo.

You can have the highs, because I can't handle the lows. I prefer nice consistent love.

Sounds like you have made up your mind, now you just need to follow through with actions.

[andreth]

Sounds like you have made up your mind, now you just need to follow through with actions.

 

You'd think so, but I honestly have no idea. I think I want out, but then when I realize the reality of it, I start to doubt. And yes, it is very much a yo-yo, which absolutely sucks.

 

This time last week, I was absolutely certain I wanted to just be done with it. But since then, it's been fine. He's been attentive and affectionate, which is great. Those behaviors don't solve all of our problems, of course, but it's a step in the right direction. Unfortunately, it most likely won't last.

 

I can't seem to muster the courage to bring it up during peaceful times because #1, I'm much more doubtful of my decisions when we're getting along, and #2, I know I'm much more likely to cause a world of pain for him during those times. But I think it's more cowardly and insincere to announce I want out when we're at each others' throats. Thoughts?

[Alban]

You'd think so, but I honestly have no idea. I think I want out, but then when I realize the reality of it, I start to doubt. And yes, it is very much a yo-yo, which absolutely sucks.

 

This time last week, I was absolutely certain I wanted to just be done with it. But since then, it's been fine. He's been attentive and affectionate, which is great. Those behaviors don't solve all of our problems, of course, but it's a step in the right direction. Unfortunately, it most likely won't last.

 

I can't seem to muster the courage to bring it up during peaceful times because #1, I'm much more doubtful of my decisions when we're getting along, and #2, I know I'm much more likely to cause a world of pain for him during those times. But I think it's more cowardly and insincere to announce I want out when we're at each others' throats. Thoughts?

 

You both should give each other time.. NC for a time should give both of you time to think..go at your parents house and give yourself a break. Honestly, in my opinion religious people are **** and just live in a imagination of that religion bull**** for the ignorant people whom I really feel bad for.

 

Maybe you both will get better.

Maybe you both will see that it's over.

Think of it, make a choice, you seem to be a intelligent girl, so you should overcome this situation. I believe in love and that love can overcome everything, tell your husband that it's over, tell him he needs to change or you will never return, IGNORE HIM, NC at anyway possible.

IF he LOVES you he will come back, a new men who changed for the women he love's.

I hope you will solve your problem, I wish you happiness

[evryrozhasitsthorn]

Andreth, if you feel inclined, I'd be interested in how you moved away from Christianity. Not to try to lure you back! I have also transitioned out of the box and I'm just wondering if our experiences are similar. Of course this might be best in another category so if you start one in religion, will you let me know?

 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation. I don't have any answers. I'm caught right now trying to figure out what is best for my kids. I know leaving my marriage would be best for me, but I don't feel confident that divorce is best for them. If you do pursue counseling, just be very careful. There are "proffesionals" out there who will do a whole lot more damage than good. And if he isn't totally committed to working hard at his past baggage, there's no chance it will do any good.

[andreth]

Andreth, if you feel inclined, I'd be interested in how you moved away from Christianity. Not to try to lure you back! I have also transitioned out of the box and I'm just wondering if our experiences are similar. Of course this might be best in another category so if you start one in religion, will you let me know?

 

It was actually a little odd, how I first started being more doubtful and questioning. I may start a new thread about it at some point. I'm not atheist, but I'd say more agnostic. And it honestly makes me feel bad. I know he feels deceived - he's basically said so at one point - and let down by who I've turned out to be.

 

He doesn't really like to talk about my beliefs, and it causes all sorts of problems. He says he's 'over' the idea of moving and becoming a musician (Which, btw, is not as ridiculous at it sounds. We both have music degrees. He's not wanting to be a rock star or anything, he wants to play with an orchestra.) or possibly going back to grad school (another idea he's toyed with, which would require us moving away). He can deny it all he wants, but I know that deep down he's still upset and angry about it. He still brings up the idea of moving all the time, I guess thinking that I will have suddenly changed my mind, and then gets aggravated with me when he, once again, realizes that I haven't.

 

I'm a full-time nursing student right now, which will be a great thing. I'm very good at what I do, I have solid long-term goals, and it will be a wonderful thing for our family. But he actually got mad at me for going to school - and he continues to make snide comments here and there about it. He was initially mad because, in his words, he felt God had called him to school or music or whatever, and he wasn't able to follow-through (thanks to me), but I could just jump into school and a career without praying about it, and he was just supposed to go along.

 

It's the source of most of our arguments these days. I don't support what I feel like are far-fetched goals. He expects me to just move my entire family and life hundreds of miles away for the hope and chance to do something, without the security of knowing our bills will be paid and our kids will be taken care of. I'm just supposed to have faith like him, I guess. But he also doesn't support me, when I have very solid goals, and thanks to a great scholarship from our local hospital, I have job security when I'm done with school (they've paid for my college in exchange for signing a 3-year, post-grad contract. He was completely against this, since it would tie us down here longer, thus preventing us from moving like he wants to).

 

Sorry, I'm just not inclined to choose faith, hope, and longing over security (especially where my family is concerned), a good career, and logic. I wish he'd figured this all out sooner, because chasing huge, life-altering dreams is much easier when you're not tied down with a family. But we have responsibilities now, and my children will ALWAYS come first. It's part of being a grown up and a parent. But for some reason, that just doesn't seem to get through to him!

 

He can say he's "over it," all he wants. But I know he's not. I know that he will continue to resent me. And I'm absolutely certain that resentment will be exponentially worse when I'm done with school and succeeding at a career that I love. How is living with that fair to either of us?

 

I was mad at him when he said no to MC the second time (when he said it wouldn't do any good because we want different things in life). But I guess he was right in a way. If neither of us is willing to concede, what's the point??

Edited July 9, 2012 by andreth

[jwi71]

Are you looking to save your M or end it?

 

Obviously, if you are truly "done". simply hire a lawyer, file for D and off you go.

 

If not...well, there are some things we can try.

 

1) Sit him down and directly tell him what you write here. Secretly record this conversation. Play it back for him two days later (its not likely to go well). Sometimes, when people hear themselves it can "shake them and wake them up". Its worth a shot.

 

2) Talk to your parents AND his separately about the state of your M. Maybe you can get help in reaching your H. Expand these to include anyone else you feel may be beneficial in helping the M.

 

3) Have a marital intervention. Invite all the people from (2) above over and tell him, in their presence, what you say here. Consider playing the tape.

 

4) Trial separation. One of you moves out for a pre-determined amount of time. Establish rules for this time frame (no dating others, no unannounced visits and so on).

 

5) Stand up for yourself. Simply draw the line and do not cross it. Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that praying is no longer the sole decision making process.

 

If he is utterly unyielding then you have a choice: accept him as his or D.

 

(and sometimes being served D papers wakes people up too)

[muzik_lvr]

So "god" wants him to be a musician huh? It's his calling he claims. That's hilarious.

 

I would have no problem leaving because of the religion thingy alone. Why? I know beyond any reasonable doubt the Earth is more than 6000 years old and wasn't created by some dude in a toga. I can hold dinosaur bones in my own hand which disprove what the bible claims. It's no different than believing in space alien souls inhabiting volcanoes... like Scientologists do.

 

It scares me that someone could reject all common sense and believe in a crazy dogma that guides their every move. It's a dealbreaker for me personally. I require a woman who uses her brain, rather than someone who blindly follows medieval scriptures and thinks god wants them to do things.

 

Yeah, especially all that crazy stuff the Bible says about a husband loving his wife, serving his wife, putting her needs before his own, providing for and protecting his family, being accountable to other men to make sure he is treating his wife the way she is supposed to be loved and cared for, etc. Yeah, I am pretty sure most women are glad their husbands don't follow that crazy stuff.

Edited July 9, 2012 by muzik_lvr

[andreth]

Ok, definitely don't want this turning into a stone-throwing religious debate! Let's keep it civil and respectful, please!

 

Are you looking to save your M or end it?

 

 

In a perfect world, I'd like to save it. But I think something like religion is so fundamental, especially to DH, that it might be a deal-breaker, no matter how hard we try. I'm not willing to live a life and make major decisions based on prayer alone, and he will NEVER compromise on faith and prayer.

 

Part of me feels really selfish for contemplating leaving because I'm unhappy. But when I think about it, I also feel selfish for staying, knowing that at the end of the day, I'm really not everything he imagined in a wife, and he could possibly find her out there somewhere. Though, I'm certain he'd never see it that way.

[muzik_lvr]

Ok, definitely don't want this turning into a stone-throwing religious debate! Let's keep it civil and respectful, please!

 

For sure. I apologize for interjecting that in your thread, but I wanted to respond to the fellow's comment.

 

I also wanted to say that I am sorry to hear of your current situation and I do wish the best for and your family going forward.

[Tallblueyed]

I'm a full-time nursing student right now, which will be a great thing. I'm very good at what I do, I have solid long-term goals, and it will be a wonderful thing for our family. But he actually got mad at me for going to school - and he continues to make snide comments here and there about it. He was initially mad because, in his words, he felt God had called him to school or music or whatever, and he wasn't able to follow-through (thanks to me), but I could just jump into school and a career without praying about it, and he was just supposed to go along.

 

It's the source of most of our arguments these days. I don't support what I feel like are far-fetched goals. He expects me to just move my entire family and life hundreds of miles away for the hope and chance to do something, without the security of knowing our bills will be paid and our kids will be taken care of. I'm just supposed to have faith like him, I guess. But he also doesn't support me, when I have very solid goals, and thanks to a great scholarship from our local hospital, I have job security when I'm done with school (they've paid for my college in exchange for signing a 3-year, post-grad contract. He was completely against this, since it would tie us down here longer, thus preventing us from moving like he wants to).

 

Sorry, I'm just not inclined to choose faith, hope, and longing over security (especially where my family is concerned), a good career, and logic. I wish he'd figured this all out sooner, because chasing huge, life-altering dreams is much easier when you're not tied down with a family. But we have responsibilities now, and my children will ALWAYS come first. It's part of being a grown up and a parent. But for some reason, that just doesn't seem to get through to him!

 

You have your feet firmly planted in reality (professionally speaking). Do not throw away a tangible life game plan for a pie-in-the-sky pipe dream. His ignorance to this is a sign that he is only thinking of himself - justifying it under 'blind faith' is a cowards plea.

[andreth]

It's actually been a bearable week so far. But even though we're not at each others' throats right now, I'm still not entirely sure what I want. And for me, it's a little difficult to be able to look at things clearly when I'm still here. I don't think it would be a bad thing just to spend some time apart, mainly so I can have a clearer head to think things through.

 

But I know even suggesting that would absolutely devastate him, and he'd see it as coming from nowhere. I'm just not sure how to go about pulling that trigger. If our marriage is salvageable or even worth saving, then I really would fight for it. But I think a little distance would help. Advice?